AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

[Littlewhitedoves]

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

Your last para only applies if you're childish, naive and shallow.

My second marriage we annulled after a few days too, we had been together 8 years but it was stupid to get married. We returned gifts where we could and sold the house. It happens. Selfish to be thinking of yourself at this time though.

It's childish, naive and shallow to have a faithful, devoted man and a happy marriage as part of your dream wedding?

I'm referring to the fictitious description of the fairytale, but you know that don't you.

He got really drunk in the evening and left his phone on the side (he would have usually put it in his bag or something) and a number kept ringing, I think it was a man’s name.

My friend finally answered it because it had rang lots of times and she thought it might have been urgent and it was the woman who asked who she was speaking to and my friend said Xs wife and it blew up from there.

She is a teacher and got married over the summer and it was awkward because everyone knew her surname was going to change in September and everything was updated automatically and the students kept calling her by her new surname or they’d ask how the wedding and honeymoon etc went and she had to keep explaining.

I think she is incredible though because I think a lot of people may have stayed or given it a couple of weeks but she ended things straight away, which I thought was so strong of her.

About 20 years ago a good friend of my ex husband was getting married in America...it would have cost us at least £2K to attend. At the time we didn't have much spare cash and limited annual leave so we declined the invitation.

Found out a couple of years ago the couple had actually already married in the UK 6 months before the USA ceremony...the bride was laughing about how she'd accidentally let that slip to her mother who was extremely pissed off about it...she honestly couldn't understand why! (her parents paid for the wedding). I was just grateful we hadn't got ourselves in debt to attend (the couple have now split up).

I think you can feel both sad for your friend and also pissed off about the money.

Can I ask why you went through with the wedding?

I’ve never been married but I can imagine the weeks/days leading up to it must make you wonder whether you’re doing the right thing.

Did you think things might get better or did you not want to let family/friends down?

No, I'm reading what you're saying. The poster was saying that it isn't really a dream wedding unless it includes a faithful, devoted husband and a happy marriage (the language was a bit florid but that was the point being made). And that's the bit you took issue with. As in, when the union is shit, it's not actually a dream wedding so the bride isn't going to feel satisfied.

If you just didn't like the way the poster put it, that's something else.

I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope you're OK now but as hard as I try I can't muster up any sympathy for people like OP's friend - who make their wedding the centre of the universe and go over the top.

If this happened to me I'd be mortified and while heartbroken apologising to guests and returning gifts would be my first thought
But then if I was that considerate I wouldn't make my friends spend that much money in the first place

It was an overseas wedding as part of a holiday we had booked so we just went through with it. We didn't have any guests, the hotel provided witnesses, but when we got home nothing had changed, the cracks were still there so we decided to split.

For some it's all about the parties and being the centre of attention - the wedding for many is an expensive way to show off. The marriage was doomed with that over the top spending to show off.

People who love each other don't feel the need to show off the way some do in their sham marriages.

@Nowherenew Yep, kudos to your poor friend.
So, did the other woman not know about the wife?! What a long-winded and deceptive way to live your life. I hope he ended up alone and the other woman wasn’t a sucker to take him in.

I've heard this "truly in love couples don't have huge weddings" a lot on MN. I agree you don't need a massive wedding to prove your love, but the idea that only shit couples do it really doesn't square with my real world experience.

I'm really not quite sure why you're so invested as it wasn't even your post I was referring to. Bizarre. I stand what I said.

I'm following the discussion. What I thought was bizarre was you saying that what most people would consider the most important parts - the partner and the marriage - were things that actually only childish, naive and shallow people would care about.

But you stand by it, without being invested in it. Ok.

But these things are planned months/years in advance. If she'd have called off the wedding the night before, that money would still have been spent. Even 6 months before, even.

And the op would still have been pissed off so she was damned whatever she chose.

The OP's expenditure was excessive- maybe she also felt pressured and didn't know how to say no. It's really easy to say just say no on paper but the reality is often a lot less clear cut. Op is entitled to feel put out but if she didn't feel able to say no, she's got no right to expect the bride to do any different.

I will repeat, I said the fairytale notion, with the white Knight etc was childish. The description was naive. There was no substance to it. Your interpretation is the reason why people SHOULD get married. Unfortunately, as with the OP's friend, some just want to act like a princess for the day. Let's see if you can understand that.

I understand backpedalling extremely well.

It's OK. I know you stand by....something. And you're clearly not invested.

I understand that you're like a dog with a bone. You can. Keep it, if it means that much to you. I've not back peddled on anything. Go and find trouble elsewhere.

Sorry you're having a bad day.

Reminds me of my old friend's first wedding when I said to her alone right before the ceremony 'this is the man you're going to be with for the rest of your life, you will live and grow old with him, I'm so happy for you' and she replied eh, who knows if he's The One.

They split up six months later. At least I didn't spend a ton of money on her like you did OP!

Yet people find excuses for people who get married for fun.

"But you stand by it, without being invested in it. Ok"

Yep. Weird indeed. Nothing worse than a stubborn poster who knows they are wrong.

And great comment MysteryBelle.

Oh look, its another dog with a bone. The clique is here. Bore off.

You know not to do it again for her next dream wedding