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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

388 replies

Littlewhitedoves · 12/10/2023 10:08

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

OP posts:
Justneedagirlname · 12/10/2023 13:11

She is a selfish cow

KingsHeath53 · 12/10/2023 13:13

Soubriquet · 12/10/2023 10:09

More fool you for spending that much money on something that wasn’t for you

that's a bit mean. I've spent loads on attending my mates weddings and never regretted it at all - it's supposed to be a one off very special event in a person's life and their friends and family are expected to show up, travel as necessary, put on a frock etc.

Mamatolittleboy · 12/10/2023 13:13

She’s most likely putting on a brave face

It’s your money but I kinda do agree with the comments that you’re a fool for spending that much… sorry.

Mamatolittleboy · 12/10/2023 13:14

However if she’s a close friend I would literally just tell her how you’re feeling. You feel like you’ve spent thousands of pounds for her wedding when she knew it most likely wasn’t going to last and now she’s acting like it’s funny.

Nanny0gg · 12/10/2023 13:15

Cosyblankets · 12/10/2023 11:27

No way would i have spent that amount of money in the first place but if my friend's marriage fell apart due to DV after such a short time, or any time for that matter, i would be looking after my friend.

It wasn't DV

usernother · 12/10/2023 13:16

I can understand you being annoyed but nothing you can do now. She should however return the presents. Lesson learned, don't go on 3 hen parties again. One is enough.

Cowlover89 · 12/10/2023 13:16

Yanbu

Cowlover89 · 12/10/2023 13:16

Yanbu

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 13:17

Mamatolittleboy · 12/10/2023 13:14

However if she’s a close friend I would literally just tell her how you’re feeling. You feel like you’ve spent thousands of pounds for her wedding when she knew it most likely wasn’t going to last and now she’s acting like it’s funny.

If she's a close friend, I'd not centre myself in the situation and just put it down to face saving and a stress response.

Alconleigh · 12/10/2023 13:21

Moveoverdarlin · 12/10/2023 11:28

Later this year I have to attend my friend’s third wedding in 12 years. It’ll be the third hen do, third outfit, third gift, second time of sorting childcare, annual leave, third lot of hotels, third lot of clapping and cheering. She cheated on her 2nd husband with her current fiancé. So I hear you OP, there’s just no thought for the guests who go to so much effort. I’d love not to go and say ‘I came to the first two’ but it’ll create drama.

I wouldn't if I were you. What do people even say at a third wedding. "Well, here we are again. Thanks for coming out. We've got a nicer champagne and it's lamb this time, so that's a bit different". No thanks. Obviously someone is going to come along with a case of 2 tragic widowings and how you can't judge, but that's clearly not the case here.

Bigcat25 · 12/10/2023 13:23

Yanba at all! In the situation you are expected to return wedding gifts. She should be embarrassed but she doesn't seem to have any shame.

Shelby2010 · 12/10/2023 13:24

I agree she’s probably putting on a brave face.

Give her the benefit of the doubt & offer to help her with returning the presents - starting with the one you gave her…

GoodlifeGlow · 12/10/2023 13:25

Most people are happy to spend money celebrating a friends wedding but then to find out it was a complete sham a couple of weeks later would make me furious too. presents should be returned.

towriteyoumustlive · 12/10/2023 13:27

I'd be annoyed at her blasé attitude!

At the very least they should return all the wedding gifts!!! (otherwise it will look like they did it just to have a few free holidays and nights out and some gifts!)

User57632678374 · 12/10/2023 13:29

I understand why you feel some frustration however if you are close and she’s never given you indication of problems in the relationship then I’d bet that she was unaware there was any, has actually been caught off guard, and her blasé laugh-it-off approach is her way of coping with a situation she is actually mortified over.

A far lesser scale but I have had friends who have been left or ghosted by someone who I know they were infatuated with who have immediately in the aftermath said “oh I didn’t really like him much anyway”, “I was thinking about ending it anyway”. I go along with it to make them feel better as it can be so embarrassing. Maybe try and offer some support and take it as a lesson learned to not get so invested in other peoples weddings.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 12/10/2023 13:34

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 10:48

Big weddings aren't a new thing.

They might not always be the smart thing but you can't blame them on Love Island or Instagram. They existed long before those things did.

I blame the Beckhams personally.

MCOut · 12/10/2023 13:35

Give your friend, the benefit of the doubt and seriously it is not about you. If you didn’t know that they had problems the likelihood is that you do not know why they have broken up. For all you know it could be a DV or cheating situation that she is covering up. You don’t need to understand and privy to everything to be there for your friend.

She’s probably very hurt, embarrassed and guilty and is trying to put on a brave face. Have a little empathy and definitely do not bring this up.

MysteryBelle · 12/10/2023 13:36

She must be very embarrassed. She didn’t really have her fairytale or the wedding of her dreams when the marriage is over in 2 weeks.

If you’re this upset, imagine how she feels. She is putting up a facade. No one gets that much into the pre wedding celebrations and planning knowing that the marriage is a complete sham and will be over in 14 days afterward. She was hoping it would work. It’s not all one-sided, there is another person on whom the success of this marriage depended.

A big part of the fairytale and dream wedding is the knight in shining armor, the devoted groom, the man who will be faithful and true, and the living together happily ever after.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 13:37

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 12/10/2023 13:34

I blame the Beckhams personally.

Show quote history

Or Charles and Diana.

"You have to go through with it. Your face is on the tea towels!"

babyswinging · 12/10/2023 13:39

I’d imagine her laughing and making jokes is to try and hide that she’s actually hurting.

Nowherenew · 12/10/2023 13:42

I would never spend more than I could afford on a wedding.
I’ve never accepted a destination wedding or hen do abroad, as I find them really selfish.

She was stupid and selfish to go ahead with a wedding that she knew wouldn’t last, just because she wanted the party (and I find a lot of women want to get married just to have the actual wedding).

But my friend separated the day after her wedding, literally the next day before they even went on their honeymoon.

They’d been together over 10 years and she found out the morning after her wedding day that he’d been having an affair for years.

So I wouldn’t judge your friend too harshly, in case there’s something she’s not told you.

I assume you had fun at her wedding/hen do and so just chalk it up to experience and wear your dress again or sell it.

Thebigblueballoon · 12/10/2023 13:54

I’d ask her outright if she needed any help to organise the return of the wedding presents. Her response will tell you all you need to know.

Another vote for: you’re a bit daft for paying to attend three hen dos. I’d have gone to the one I best liked the sound of.

Curious to know what you gave her for the pressie.

If the blasé attitude is a front, it sounds like you’re perhaps not close enough friends for her to confide in you? Which again begs the question as to why spend so much money.

Monkspath · 12/10/2023 13:56

MargotBamborough · 12/10/2023 11:29

On a deposit for a shitty rented flat and legal fees for her divorce, probably. She'd be welcome to it as far as I'm concerned.

Show quote history

Did you not read that she went through with it knowing she didn't want to marry him? The divorce costs are on her. Tack to have 3 hen dos as well.

Thebigblueballoon · 12/10/2023 13:57

Nowherenew · 12/10/2023 13:42

I would never spend more than I could afford on a wedding.
I’ve never accepted a destination wedding or hen do abroad, as I find them really selfish.

She was stupid and selfish to go ahead with a wedding that she knew wouldn’t last, just because she wanted the party (and I find a lot of women want to get married just to have the actual wedding).

But my friend separated the day after her wedding, literally the next day before they even went on their honeymoon.

They’d been together over 10 years and she found out the morning after her wedding day that he’d been having an affair for years.

So I wouldn’t judge your friend too harshly, in case there’s something she’s not told you.

I assume you had fun at her wedding/hen do and so just chalk it up to experience and wear your dress again or sell it.

Yikes. That is harsh. How did she find out? His guilty conscience or the other woman? What a cowardly bastard he was for going through with the wedding.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 13:57

Thebigblueballoon · 12/10/2023 13:54

I’d ask her outright if she needed any help to organise the return of the wedding presents. Her response will tell you all you need to know.

Another vote for: you’re a bit daft for paying to attend three hen dos. I’d have gone to the one I best liked the sound of.

Curious to know what you gave her for the pressie.

If the blasé attitude is a front, it sounds like you’re perhaps not close enough friends for her to confide in you? Which again begs the question as to why spend so much money.

Not really outright, though, is it? It's a loaded question. You're not trying to find out if she wants help, you're trying to find out whether she plans to do it and apply pressure on her to do so.