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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

388 replies

Littlewhitedoves · 12/10/2023 10:08

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

OP posts:
StillWantingADog · 12/10/2023 12:09

Voted yanbu however i think you were daft to spend so much money in the first place especially if you had your doubts on the whole thing.

SalmonBelongInTheWater · 12/10/2023 12:09

YABU. You were an absolute mug to spend that amount of cash on an occasion that wasn't even for you, it was for someone else! You don't go around spending that amount of money unless you can easily afford it.

So YABU. You shouldn't have spent all that. Especially not with the strings that the marriage should have lasted a certain amount of time for it to feel okay for you. Unfortunately this is your own fault.

1983Louise · 12/10/2023 12:09

She sounds spoilt and it was up to you to say no to some of the things she suggested. I don't get the madness that goes into weddings these days and find it embarrassing that women want to be a princess for the day. I gave up that thought when I was about 8 🙄

millymog11 · 12/10/2023 12:10

how did they meet, why were they together in the first place, how long were they together before this big fairytale wedding (beyond the actual time it took for everyone to save up for said fairytale wedding i mean)

Meeting · 12/10/2023 12:16

I think unfortunately the more fool you responses are harsh but true.

Why on earth did you spend thousands of pounds on someone else's wedding? That's insane.

Beezknees · 12/10/2023 12:20

I'm with the YABU because I would never spend that much on someone else's wedding. Insane. 3 hen dos? Ridiculous.

User1789 · 12/10/2023 12:21

I think the OP is getting a hard time here, these couples are often oblivious and have no self-awareness.

The situation often expands from the original presented to you when you are invited to be a wedding party member. I was a maid of honour for a friend who hadn't been planning to have bridesmaids at her 'non-traditional wedding', but then decided 'it would be nice to have some friends up there with me'. What followed made the wedding and pre-events in the Bridesmaid film look reserved.

My poor BIL was asked by his brother to be his best man. He agreed. Then COVID hit and the wedding was cancelled and they were mucked around by the venue. We were all very sad and sympathetic about how unfair it all was.

Then they announced they were going to get married on a faraway island. Everybody else needed to pay for their own flights and accommodation. Plus siblings needed to chip in to pay for the Groom-to-be's mum, as she couldn't afford it. For a week. So they could have the stag do and hen do before the wedding while they were there.

The bride's parents and some other relatives were unable to come due to health problems.

So after everybody had paid for their flights and accommodation for a week on a Greek island they announced they would... have another wedding reception on their return to Scotland. It involved dressing up, cakes, hotels, taxis etc. On the same day as his GF's birthday. They had forgotten about that.

But what was poor BIL supposed to do, to his brother and family that he is very loyal to and loves very much?

My DH and I have turned down invitations to weddings and hens and stag dos abroad, some of the friendships remain, but some don't. I think it is tough having to stand up to a valued friend when they are planning their wedding and point out that your values don't align with theirs over how to mark this important life stage and therefore you won't be attending their wedding. I know. I did it. And completely understand why others feel unable to.

SugarHiccups · 12/10/2023 12:22

I'm a bit baffled that you spent several thousand pounds on your friend's wedding. No one spent that much on me or my DH at our wedding and I can't imagine expecting them to or accepting it if they did.

SacAMain · 12/10/2023 12:22

For some people, and this is not directed to the OP at all, this is a general comment, it's a badge of honour to be invited to as many hen nights as possible, and fill social media with the glamorous get-aways, the fancy parties, and the excessive tarting up on the wedding itself.

No need to try to emulate these people.

CherryMaDeara · 12/10/2023 12:24

We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her

More fool you for spending so much.

Hopefully this thread is a cautionary tale for others.

Againstmachine · 12/10/2023 12:25

Multiple hens days aout with bottomless brunch etc, she sounds very self indulgent, 3 hens is taking the piss and is proper bridezilla everything is about me territory, and as a fried I'd have told her she was taking the piss.

But you all indulged her and spent the money, and that is your own fault. If you weren't happy to spend this much then you shouldn't have.

Zanatdy · 12/10/2023 12:35

Someone I knew split 6wks after the wedding. She met someone else on a work trip. She’s still with the guy she met 10yrs on. I wasn’t annoyed about the money, but I think a few were

YouJustDoYou · 12/10/2023 12:36

No one forced the money out of you.

SummerDawn2000 · 12/10/2023 12:37

Support your friend

Heyhoherewegoagain · 12/10/2023 12:38

Soubriquet · 12/10/2023 10:09

More fool you for spending that much money on something that wasn’t for you

This! Is your annoyance as much directed to yourself as her?

Being a veteran of a 10 minute marriage when I was a lot younger, and knew I shouldn’t have gone ahead with it, it’s really hard to jump off that juggernaut….and this was in the 90s when a hen night was a night out with your pals and not the madness it is now.

I bet her laughing and joking about it is to cover her embarrassment

ohdamnitjanet · 12/10/2023 12:40

Frabbits · 12/10/2023 10:32

People can say that it was your choice to spend the money, but people attend things like this in good faith.

If the person did know that the marriage was over before it started, it's a dick move to allow people to spend all that money on the event. Can well understand why you would be annoyed.

Edited

Exactly, granted I wouldn’t spend anything on someone else’s wedding other than a decent gift, but that’s personal as I hate all this princess shit, but even if I was invested in it I’d be furious.

Cakeandcardio · 12/10/2023 12:47

I would expect her to return the gifts. It's despicable of her if she doesn't.

Bunnycat101 · 12/10/2023 12:48

I think you have to separate the two issues of the hen do expense and the very short wedding and expenses around it. On the first, if you weren’t happy you shouldn’t have joined in. You still had the holidays etc.

on the latter, you never really know what goes on. One of my friends had her husband leave her the day after while on honeymoon. She was horrified and they had annulment rather than divorce. My suspicion was always that he was actually gay and suppressing it and had some sort of meltdown post wedding. I honestly can’t remember what happened with the wedding presents as it was really the least of my concerns at the time. Even if your friend is showing a brave face she will probably be feeling humiliated etc.

Sparklesocks · 12/10/2023 12:51

Three hen dos AND bottomless brunches is super excessive but as others say, maybe she’s trying to cover up her true feelings about her marriage breaking down so quickly and might be a mess behind the scenes. Maybe she knew subconsciously the relationship was on shaky ground so kept throwing more at the wedding to try and distract from that or make it seem better than it was (we’re having a big wedding with loads of parties in the lead up so it must be real and strong, etc), maybe she wanted to jump ship but was too ashamed to break it off beforehand and hoped it would be okay, maybe it came out that he cheated - who knows.

All you can really do is be there for her. Maybe more info will come out and if she did have selfish motives then that may become clear. Presumably though if you’re close enough to spend so much cash for her then you think highly of her, and think she’s inherently a good person, and so she likely wouldn’t go through with a marriage her heart wasn’t in just to get gifts/be the centre of attention. I would give my close friend the benefit of the doubt unless I have reason to believe otherwise.

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 12/10/2023 12:53

Why would you spend all that money on someone else's celebrations?

Whattheflipflap · 12/10/2023 12:54

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/10/2023 10:15

I’d imagine she’s trying to put on a brave face and laughing it off because she’s upset, embarrassed, all the other emotions anyone feels when their marriage ends. Even looking at it from the purely financial perspective you are, do you really think she wanted to spend tens of thousands of pounds of her dream wedding and then break up a fortnight later?

Surely it’s this

JANEY205 · 12/10/2023 12:54

Never EVER spend so much on someone else OP! Never! I would be mightily pissed odd too in your shoes and I’d distance myself from someone being so blasé about it all. She’s a cheeky fuck!

mummymeister · 12/10/2023 12:58

Is someone this shallow and immature still your friend?

whynotwhatknot · 12/10/2023 13:00

she sounds shallow going on about her princess wedding

but i wouldnt have spent that on someone elses wedding in the first place

BarbieKew · 12/10/2023 13:10

I’d be pissed off too, but write off Tenerife as a holiday, and some of the lunches / brunches as things you’d have done anyway.

I’d be most irritated by the hotel cost and the actual present. If I were the bride, I’d be returning all gifts to senders, it’s pretty rude to keep them in this situation.

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