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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

388 replies

Littlewhitedoves · 12/10/2023 10:08

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

OP posts:
PottedPlantsObsess · 12/10/2023 23:37

Littlewhitedoves · 12/10/2023 10:08

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

She’s probably in shock.
if she gave you no indication before the wedding perhaps this has caught her as off guard Too and she’s putting on a brave face. She’s probs feeling humiliated.

PollyPut · 12/10/2023 23:55

Did she say why it's ended? Whose fault it is? Doesn't that matter in the divorce process?

SurprisedWithAHorse · 13/10/2023 07:28

When something collapses, it's easy to say you always knew something was up.

You might have been, but probably not with the same full awareness and certainty that you have now. I'll be very surprised if she really did feel exactly the same before the wedding as she does now.

Littlegreene82 · 13/10/2023 08:29

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Littlegreene82 · 13/10/2023 08:30

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lechatnoir · 13/10/2023 08:38

Ouch yes can see why this would smart but I can't imagine she's honestly happy about it this is surely her putting on a brave face.

Give her a buzz and tell her you're coming over (I'd be rallying round the others if you're part of a group) with a bottle of wine so she can be herself and cry about it and you'll help her sort and pack up presents to return to the guests.

Bowbobobo · 13/10/2023 08:50

OP only posted the once, so clearly this is bollocks. Grrrr

Firebug007 · 13/10/2023 08:59

This happened to a friend of mine, 2 weeks after her wedding she found out her DH had been shagging someone else for a year. She didn't tell most people what happened, she was too embarrassed. I hope your friend is ok, it's unlikely she's feeling as blasé as she's making out.

Original poster
Littlewhitedoves · 13/10/2023 10:49

Sorry I didn't realise I had to reply to everyone....

OP posts:
Salacia · 13/10/2023 11:04

I had a couple in my acquaintance who a similar thing happened to. Big wedding, quite expensive for guests re venue/logistics, weekend away for the hen etc. Separated within a month (wasn’t close enough to them so didn’t really hear the reason etc). Fair bit of moaning amongst my friends who had attended re wasted money etc (and I do understand the impulse). Eventually came out some time later that the reason they’d separated was he’d hit her on the honeymoon. None of us know what’s really going on in somebody else’s relationship. I’d hate to think that she would have felt like she had to stay in an abusive marriage in order to not disappoint her hen party guests.

Acornsoup · 13/10/2023 11:21

I think you should be more angry with yourself OP.

Mummytotheboy · 13/10/2023 11:26

My friends still get arsey about my wedding. I got engaged Christmas 2013, booked everything February 2014. The wedding was for Sept 2016. They paid a tiny deposit of £20 to secure rooms at the venue as it was a multiple wedding venue but obviously didn't have an unlimited amount of rooms. I cancelled the wedding in October 2014 when I left my then partner. If weddings ever come in conversation it gets dropped in about these deposits!

Heyhoherewegoagain · 13/10/2023 11:30

Mummytotheboy · 13/10/2023 11:26

My friends still get arsey about my wedding. I got engaged Christmas 2013, booked everything February 2014. The wedding was for Sept 2016. They paid a tiny deposit of £20 to secure rooms at the venue as it was a multiple wedding venue but obviously didn't have an unlimited amount of rooms. I cancelled the wedding in October 2014 when I left my then partner. If weddings ever come in conversation it gets dropped in about these deposits!

Depending on how many people lost their deposit, I’d be tempted to just give them the £20…and if they decline tell them you don’t want to hear another word on the subject!

SurprisedWithAHorse · 13/10/2023 11:38

I'm a bit uncomfortable with the idea that it's only ok to end your marriage early if you've been hit or cheated on.

I can see the case for returning gifts (although we'd need to know what the cut off point is for marriage length at which you no longer have to), although I don't think it's something guests should expect, since gifts don't have conditions attached. But I don't like the idea that a woman has to stay married when she knows she doesn't want to because you threw some money at it.

As PPs have said, you got the experience and night out or whatever that you paid for and gifts shouldn't be conditional.

Carmargo · 13/10/2023 12:46

Selfish bitch. Did she not realise how much f-ing hassle a wedding is for those not directly involved?
I'd defined her pronto.

Reminds me of the time my dh's sister made us ALL trek the other side of the UK for her wedding (yeah yeah could hardly say no) . Fair enough she lived there at the time but then a few years later held her 2nd wedding in the same place even though she no longer lived anywhere near there anymore!! I flat out refused. Cost me close to £600 last time.

I often wonder how long the second marriage will last given she wanted to get married in the same place as her first. Poor second husband.

Carmargo · 13/10/2023 13:01

I also am very much of the opinion that someone who has THREE hen do's is probably so selfish that she has no clue about how she affects others.

So she probably isn't breaking inside, just a selfish cow.

Carmargo · 13/10/2023 13:10

SurprisedWithAHorse · 13/10/2023 11:38

I'm a bit uncomfortable with the idea that it's only ok to end your marriage early if you've been hit or cheated on.

I can see the case for returning gifts (although we'd need to know what the cut off point is for marriage length at which you no longer have to), although I don't think it's something guests should expect, since gifts don't have conditions attached. But I don't like the idea that a woman has to stay married when she knows she doesn't want to because you threw some money at it.

As PPs have said, you got the experience and night out or whatever that you paid for and gifts shouldn't be conditional.

Well to be fair, with the exception of abuse and infidelity (and to be frank I even think that in the case of the second example they should try to solve it, though abuse is get the hell out now and I wouldn't begrudge a penny) I very much do think the lovely couple should try to make it last at least 5 seconds given the hoops, expense and hassle they (usually) put their guests through for their 'big day'.

ToadOnTheHill · 13/10/2023 13:14

I think yabu to feel like it was wasted money. All money is wasted when you've spent it. You shouldn't spend money on things that dont make you happy.

Did you enjoy the hen dos that you chose to go to? The the wedding day you chose to attend? Her getting divorced desnt change those memories and if you didnt want to spend the money you didnt have to. Hardly her fault you're having buyers remorse

Glitterblue · 13/10/2023 13:19

People say it’s on you if you choose to spend that much, but I know from experience that the bride often expects people to attend everything and can get quite huffy if you don’t! I couldn’t afford to go to one hen do at the other end of the country and got a really nasty email from the bride. Also, I understand why you’re so angry. I was the same after attending a wedding that I then found out hadn’t even been real - the couple had split up months before but kept up the pretence because the bride didn’t want to tell her mum 🤦🏻‍♀️ We’d spent money on the hotel, outfits, shoes, a gift, fuel to get there because it was a fair distance away….so I totally get it.

Carmargo · 13/10/2023 13:21

No no no no. I'm sorry but the idea that you can refuse to go to weddings or any other event such as a 'baby shower' or such modern shite is just not real without causing serious familial and friendship rifts.

I mean just try it, try telling a close relative that you can't be arsed to go to their daughter's wedding.

Of course you're obliged to go and endure the crap, cost and hassle.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 13/10/2023 13:25

Carmargo · 13/10/2023 13:10

Well to be fair, with the exception of abuse and infidelity (and to be frank I even think that in the case of the second example they should try to solve it, though abuse is get the hell out now and I wouldn't begrudge a penny) I very much do think the lovely couple should try to make it last at least 5 seconds given the hoops, expense and hassle they (usually) put their guests through for their 'big day'.

Show quote history

Well, you're free to make your own major life decisions based on whether other people gave you gifts along the way.

MargotBamborough · 13/10/2023 13:42

Glitterblue · 13/10/2023 13:19

People say it’s on you if you choose to spend that much, but I know from experience that the bride often expects people to attend everything and can get quite huffy if you don’t! I couldn’t afford to go to one hen do at the other end of the country and got a really nasty email from the bride. Also, I understand why you’re so angry. I was the same after attending a wedding that I then found out hadn’t even been real - the couple had split up months before but kept up the pretence because the bride didn’t want to tell her mum 🤦🏻‍♀️ We’d spent money on the hotel, outfits, shoes, a gift, fuel to get there because it was a fair distance away….so I totally get it.

The more huffy someone gets if you don't want to attend their three hen dos or stay at their wedding venue for 450 a night, the more advantageous it is to fall out with them now and escape further unreasonable demands in the future.

Glitterblue · 13/10/2023 13:45

@MargotBamborough this is so true, and something I’ve learnt with age and experience! The huffy bride saga was 17 years ago, and since then I have become very picky about who I have in my trusted circle of friends. A few fall outs along the way but I’m very happy now with my small circle!

lap90 · 13/10/2023 13:47

Two weeks? Did they even try?

Crikeyalmighty · 13/10/2023 13:51

@Carmargo Yep- we have had similar this week and after flying back from a long haul business trip are having to go straight from the airport to another town (not remotely on the way home) to go to a wedding. So have to pay £180 for 2 nights plus probably feeling a bit shitty and means we have to pay£200 for parking at airport rather than getting the train home. . It was made clear we are expected and bride sent texts saying she was upset if we didn't go. It isn't that I don't like the couple, I do, but it didn't really time ok and I feel miffed at being pressured to go