Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad about tomboy?

129 replies

NC4Obvs · 12/10/2023 07:01

NC obviously

Just wanting an anonymous space as I'd never voice my feelings aloud and won't. But also want to ask the question.

10 year old DD for the last couple of years has wanted hair increasingly shorter and not wanted or worn any feminine clothes.

Bright, funny, healthy, happy child who is fully loved and no resistance met to these requests.

The last couple of months when seeing photos or catching a glance from a distance I realise that there's nothing other than if you heard her name that would make you think she is a girl. Assumption would 100% be boy.

She's not said anything about being mistaken for a boy, again she's chosen this look and so I don't think would be upset if she was, and her happiness is paramount so I'm not going to bring it up. She's popular and loves her sports and friends etc.

But. If you've been in the same boat. Did it make you feel a little sad? I know it's unreasonable. It's only hair and clothes. But it's when I see photos of her when she was little it feels like that child is a totally different person.

Again, her happiness is above others' opinions of her hair/clothes/hobbies and I'm very proud of anyone who has the courage to be their authentic self, I never did.

So I know it's my issue that my preference is girls to be girly.

But would to hear from mums of similar kids to say if they've felt the same.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 12/10/2023 07:04

She’s only 10 ! She’s got so many changes to go through.

Brefugee · 12/10/2023 07:05

YABU. Did you want a doll or a child?

need2findwork · 12/10/2023 07:07

Bright, funny, healthy, happy child

and you are what? Sad???? what the actual fuck!

Labradoodlie · 12/10/2023 07:08

How deeply unpleasant of you.

Foxesandsquirrels · 12/10/2023 07:08

This was me until I hit puberty to be honest. However, I wasn't surrounded by all the stuff these kids are now so I sort of don't blame you for worrying.

Sigmama · 12/10/2023 07:09

Firstly, she's only 10, plenty of time to go through different looks or stages, secondly, the boyish look is cool - imo

Basilton · 12/10/2023 07:10

OMG what have I just read. I went through a tomboy stage myself, when I was that age or a little younger. It was in the 70s and I used to read the Famous Five books and fancied myself as being like George. It was just a phase, I wasn’t “being my authentic self”. 🙄

Toohotrightnow · 12/10/2023 07:12

I think your feelings are yours and you have a right to feel them. Feeling guilty about it compounds it.
we can all feel a little disappointed in things, it’s important how we deal with this and how we portray it to our children.
I would be lying if I said I had never thought it would be easier if my child didn’t have additional needs, although these are far less severe than some and they are otherwise healthy.
I desperately wished I were a boy and was a complete Tomboy until about 19, although could ever be called a ‘girly girl’!

VerticalSausages · 12/10/2023 07:12

It’s brave of you to be honest on here and you can’t help how you feel! I don’t think you are being unreasonable, or deeply unpleasant, and hope you find others who can empathise.

PictureFrameWindow · 12/10/2023 07:12

I was the tomboy daughter and my Mumwas endlessly critical " don't you want to be pretty" she said to me one day. I will never forget it. It's great you're having a vent here, instead of saying those things to her.

BalletBob · 12/10/2023 07:15

This is quite shocking and I can't fathom it at all. You have a "bright, funny, healthy, happy child" but you are sad and feel as though she's a completely different person to when she was little because she likes short hair and hobbies that are stereotypically associated with boys.

Were all your hopes and dreams and wishes for your daughter just centred around her presenting herself to the world in a stereotypically "girly" way?

I hope she continues to feel confident enough to reject regressive gender stereotypes throughout her life. It's a deep shame that her own mother feels sad about this.

redblonde · 12/10/2023 07:15

I think it's ok to feel a bit sad, I'm guessing you might have imagined fairy princesses, pretty dresses etc. I can see in your post that you absolutely are happy for your daughter to be who she is, it's just a bit a sadness for something you may not get to experience. And that doesn't make you a bad person. No different, in my mind, from those who say they feel a bit sad when their baby becomes a toddler, or toddler goes to school, or teenager emerges!

But to echo what others have said, she may change, so don't write off the girly stage just yet.

BuffaloBelinda · 12/10/2023 07:16

I used to like my girls to be wearing clothes you could climb a tree in when they were that age. Particularly shoes. Like a PP I think it might have been famous five related!

They are older teenagers now and neither of them dresses like that now. Although one was at a university formal last night and FaceTimed me before she left to show me the 'achievement' of managing to borrow a flatmates dress that was long enough to cover her Doctor Martens. Grin

The rest of her was spectacular though.

fearfuloffluff · 12/10/2023 07:17

You have a picture in your head of what your child is like, it's natural to feel a bit wrong footed when your child has other ideas.

However, it's her life and as she goes towards teenage you'll probably find she does lots of things that out your nose or of joint. You just have to let her be what she wants to be.

Tbh this is why I never get all the stuff about gender disappointment or reveals etc - it always suggests people are expecting that could to be a certain way, not a rugby playing butch lesbian daughter or the male equivalent.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 12/10/2023 07:18

PictureFrameWindow · 12/10/2023 07:12

I was the tomboy daughter and my Mumwas endlessly critical " don't you want to be pretty" she said to me one day. I will never forget it. It's great you're having a vent here, instead of saying those things to her.

Yes I'm one too. Sounds like we've both got the scars to prove it 😔.

ActDottie · 12/10/2023 07:18

Brefugee · 12/10/2023 07:05

YABU. Did you want a doll or a child?

This

Your priority seems to be her looks not her happiness

disappearingfish · 12/10/2023 07:22

Good old vipers, twisting the knife into the OP who is doing nothing wrong, just shared her feelings with us - not forcing ballgowns and disappointment on her daughter.

You really must have such unhappy lives to want to make everyone one else as unhappy.

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 12/10/2023 07:22

OP you've described my 10 year old. She is mistaken for a boy daily. She either let's it go or corrects them with no issue. It doesn't bother her. She's who she is and likes what she likes. So far this week she's played cricket after school, gone to karate class and tonight is rugby. But last night she had an hour long giggly video chat with her best friend, and earlier in the week watched makeup videos with me (a fave past time when I'm scrolling). None of us are all one thing, and the best we can do is provide the environment and opportunities for our kids to figure out what they enjoy.
For the record at 10 I had short hair and was mistaken for a boy. I'm still casual day to day in my dress but love a proper girl's night out and at uni I was very much short skirts, clubs and snogging boys so I wouldn't stress about it meaning anything more than this is what your daughter likes now.

MaryMcI · 12/10/2023 07:23

My DD went off dresses when she was about ten and didn’t wear one again until she was 17 or 18. She has short hair and a very ‘academia’ style. She looks great. She is and always has been amazing. She owns her look, it is her. Still very rarely wears dresses but does have skirts, mainly trousers though.
I don’t think I ever felt sad about her external appearance- I do remember being concerned when she was early teens and spent a LOT of time in her room listening to music and seemed to retreat into herself a bit. She came out of that, and to be honest, how she is mentally and that she has a good circles of friends has always seemed more important to me.

Original poster
NC4Obvs · 12/10/2023 07:24

"Your priority seems to be her looks not her happiness"

It really really isn't. I tried as hard as I could to get that across in my OP.

Also, she's 10, she can hardly get herself to a hairdressers or clothes shop.

But I don't know why I was expecting anything else from MN replies.

I get it. I'm a terrible person. Obviously my feelings are totally monstrous and I shouldn't feel them.

OP posts:
ORYX99 · 12/10/2023 07:24

We need to stop using the term tomboy. It's a reinforcement of outdated expectations of women abd girls. There should be nothing shocking or upsetting about a girl wearing what traditionally would be considered 'boy's clothes' or wanting to do things like climb trees and play with toy cars, or not wanting to wear makeup. That doesn't make her a -tom-boy. As long as a child is content, loved, fed, watered and healthy, it really doesn't matter.

AfterWeights · 12/10/2023 07:25

This is a really common phase for girls this age. I was like this. Puberty comes along and changes everything. Just let your daughter dress how she likes, whatever you do NOT fill her head with stupid ideas that it makes her any less of a girl if she has short hair and wears trousers.

FancyFanny · 12/10/2023 07:25

YANBU and I would feel the same. However, she's 10. It could just be a phase. Look at Shiloh Pitt!

MrsRachelDanvers · 12/10/2023 07:25

My DD was like that-short curly hair, hung around with boys, mistaken for a boy. Didn’t like dolls-liked investigating bugs and snakes. But I honestly didn’t mind-she was happy and lively and loved being a tomboy. FF to 24, she’s total glam. Dresses up for the races, loves her make up and hair and is a real girly girl-far more than I was! She still likes to hang out with boys-and has many women friends. Point is-let her enjoy and accept being what she is.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 12/10/2023 07:27

That was me OP - hair super short, never in dresses, always out on my bike, mistaken for a boy

and then puberty hit!

she’s happy & healthy that’s all the matters

personally I’d be glad she’s clear she’s a girl

Swipe left for the next trending thread