To be sad about tomboy?

[NC4Obvs]

NC obviously

Just wanting an anonymous space as I'd never voice my feelings aloud and won't. But also want to ask the question.

10 year old DD for the last couple of years has wanted hair increasingly shorter and not wanted or worn any feminine clothes.

Bright, funny, healthy, happy child who is fully loved and no resistance met to these requests.

The last couple of months when seeing photos or catching a glance from a distance I realise that there's nothing other than if you heard her name that would make you think she is a girl. Assumption would 100% be boy.

She's not said anything about being mistaken for a boy, again she's chosen this look and so I don't think would be upset if she was, and her happiness is paramount so I'm not going to bring it up. She's popular and loves her sports and friends etc.

But. If you've been in the same boat. Did it make you feel a little sad? I know it's unreasonable. It's only hair and clothes. But it's when I see photos of her when she was little it feels like that child is a totally different person.

Again, her happiness is above others' opinions of her hair/clothes/hobbies and I'm very proud of anyone who has the courage to be their authentic self, I never did.

So I know it's my issue that my preference is girls to be girly.

But would to hear from mums of similar kids to say if they've felt the same.

You’re not a bad person at all, OP, your feelings are completely valid. It’s OK to feel sad about stuff like this. It’s good to vent, alas MN is not a safe space. There’s a real vitriol from posters sometimes.

I was quite a tomboy in primary school. I played football with the boys, had short hair. Went to high school and by the 2nd year I’d grown my hair long and was very girly. Complete change! I’m still quite lad-ish, I like sports and get on well with boys and have good banter. But I also can be very girly! I wouldn’t worry.

OP is only voicing her feelings that is all

I don't have a problem with 'tomboy' at all. I was never a girly girl and I am not a feminine woman. I am definitely female but not feminine and that's fine. To me feminine and masculine are about stereotypes associated with the female and male sexes.

i doubt you're terrible but you put this in AIBU and you have been answered.

So the question is really: why are you letting it bother you? Do you think that gender stereotypes are harmless?

I'd also be aware of the whole Gender Thing in schools though - that must be a minefield for gender non-conforming children. Please don't call her a "tomboy" in real life.

Is this maybe about your emotional reaction to (the prospect of) your baby growing up and being more separate and independent from you?

She’s 10, so possibly she’s in Y6 and the prospect of (and talk about!) going to secondary next year is a clear indication of this. There may be aspects of puberty starting too, or at least the prospect of it.

This may make her choices about dress and hair - which are so different from the choices you’d make, and how you’d imagined your daughter to be - take on a greater importance in your mind. It might just be the focus for a broader set of fears.

Have a think about whether your sadness is just about this superficial stuff, or it’s about bigger things. A bit of counselling might be really helpful for you.

Sorry, but you are being completely unreasonable.

You have a healthy, and it sounds like happy, child.

The word 'tomboy' is also pretty outdated. It doesn't make her a boy just because she has short hair and possibly isn't into certain things that a lot of girls are. Girls can like whatever they want and still be girls. She's a girl. Don't call her a tomboy, it's confusing.

I used to be like your daughter and my mum wanted me to be more 'girly'. I was often called 'tomboy'. It really messed me up. I riled against her pushing me to be more 'girly' by going more and more in the other direction. For example, even when I wanted to experiment with make up etc in my teens, I would do it secretly away from my mum because I didn't want her to think I was becoming what she wanted. It was just a huge amount of pressure.

Please just accept her for who she is. Your hangups are frankly ridiculous.

Hi OP, that was one of my BFs and soon as she started secondary school decided to wear hair down and skirt etc. But at home still tomboyish I kind of felt sad she couldn’t be herself at school.

I was a tomboy at that age. When I reached 14/15 I became very girly. Almost the opposite.

It sounds like she has an accepting and loving home. Just keep letting her experiment with who she is 🙂

That's great but also, even if you were never 'girly', it wouldn't be a worry!

Personally I'd be very worried and concerned if I had a child of either sex who believed in and conformed to gender stereotypes as I think they're harmful.

But (I have a boy who wears school uniform or t-shirt and joggers and who prefers long hair, but recently decided to have it medium-short due to comments from neighbours) I do get the nostalgic pang of not having that delight in adornment, pretty, sparkly clothes and things. My son was into nail polish and glitter until he was about 8 and that was fun.

So yes, I empathise and I think it's great you can express your feelings here while letting your daughter do what suits her.

Tbh none of my children conform to gender norms I've a short haired girl and long haired boys they are criticised daily by adults for there life choices its not the life I would have chosen for them because they are being bullied for valid choices I was always taught to conform don't stand out hide away make small ripples and you will pass unnoticed my children were allowed way more freedom than me and now I see why it can be problematic I support them 100% but it's scary times when your child is punched over a fucking HAIRSTYLE

Y’all are piling on very unnecessarily here. OP repeatedly states she knows her daughters’ happiness is paramount!

its ok to feel a bit of grief about the difference between the fantasy and the reality - even if it’s small and silly. I never insist on my boys wearing what I want but always hopefully buy them matching PJs and feel irrationally sad in my soul (never expressed to them) that they chose to wear mad T-shirts and joggers to bed instead.

its ok + normal to feel sad about something not being how you imagined, even when the reality of how it is actually makes you very happy.

As long as she has excellent self awareness and knows how her feelings could impact her child if she ever becomes aware, then of course it's fine to feel what you feel.

But the feelings are concerning because if they ever do come out then OP's daughter is at risk of all kinds of mental health issues. I was like OP's daughter and my mum felt like OP, but she made her feelings known, and it really messed me up and confused me. It impacts my relationship with my mum to this day.

Although feelings are feelings and we can't really help them, these kinds of feelings are based on deep-rooted stereotypes which it can be good to challenge for the sake of both OP and her daughter.

I sort of understand where you're coming from. My eldest largely presents in a way that means she's often mistaken for a boy - sometimes a transboy depending on how attentive people are being. She has short hair and a slight frame - wearing baggy hoodies, DC skate shoes loose jeans makes most people jump to 'boy'. Fortunately she doesn't care and doesn't buy into the fad that how you dress determines who you are.

It's sad that there's a default position that girls should look and act feminine with long hair and delicate fashion choices or basically wearing underwear as an outfit but that's another thread you're just responding to that default message that's hammered home to us through every possible media channel in an insidious way.

Giving your daughter the power to choose her hairstyles and clothing is good parenting. It'll probably change with time. My eldest has gone from sparkly princess style, dabbled with a sporty style for a while and is now alternating between the skater/goth look. She dresses decently, has good personal hygiene, seems happy and is well behaved. Having her hair shaved off is not a concern against all those positives.

personally I’d be glad she’s clear she’s a girl

Amen to this. Encourage her to wear what she likes, do what she likes and continue not to be swayed by gender stereotyping.

I was a total tomboy like your daughter and used to get a lot of crap for it outside of the family and my friends (teachers, even strangers in the 80s thought it was fine to comment). You can't choose your feelings but you can manage them. If my mum felt the way you do I would have been able to tell and it would have been very hurtful. She is healthy and happy! Be grateful and enjoy who she is. If she's anything like I was she will grow out of it soon, but if not, who cares?!

Yes. As a child (25 years ago) I actually wanted to be a boy because of my mum's narrative. If she'd have had the view that girls can be whatever they want, I would have been happy being a girl. But I had a lot of confusion.

If I was a child in the UK as it is today, I would have definitely been affected by the current gender/ trans stuff, mostly because of my mum's views about what a girl should be.

Keep your mouth shut OP and do not let her know how you feel.

My DD refused to wear dresses aged 3 and only liked boys clothes, she liked traditionally boys toys. She did have long hair so that was probably the only reason she wasn't mistaken for a boy. Now in her 20s she still very rarely wears skirts or dresses, doesn't wear makeup and has a job and hobby that are more unusual for a woman to do. I am proud that despite not being very confident she has always been herself and not conformed to the social norms.
I can understand that you might feel you are missing out on the child you were expecting to have and would have felt more comfortable with. You can't help how you feel and as long as your dd doesn't know it's fine. I would have struggled with a girly girl and would have found it difficult if my DD had been into dolls and pink dresses as that wasn't what I was like growing up!

I wonder if she's asserting her identity separate from yours - it sounds like you embrace gender stereotypes OP? So you wear make-up, probably filler, long flowing hair, shaved legs, manicure, girly dresses yourself? Be glad she's confident to do her own thing, and perhaps go easy on yourself and stop obsession with appearance.

She’s 10, there’s plenty time for her to figure out who she is. I went to school with the most Tom boyish girl ever, she’s know the Barbie -est glamazon on my instagram

I was that girl child and my mum was very much like you. For the record I grew into an amazing woman who never let gender stereotyping hold me back, holding very senior roles in competitive misogynistic cultures. DH and are also nurturing caring parents (just in case you are also worried about the ball breaker senior leader woman stereotype) and I rocked a Prada cocktail dress on my wedding day.
I have a crap relationship with my mother. I don't think I fit her rules of what a daughter should be. My advice please talk to someone (therapy) and when our why this "girly girl" thing is so important to you. Try to get past it and love your daughter for who she is rather than what she looks like or does.

You sound like a great mum, giving your daughter love and support, and your feelings are what they are, so if you're sad, that's ok too - you sound like you're being careful not to put your feelings on her, which is great.

As someone who was very "traditionally boyish" as a child/teen, it might well be a phase and she'll try on lots of options in the course of growing up. She might stick with this one, choose something else or it might become one of many ways of expressing herself.

You don't know how she'll eventually turn out, (I expect she doesn't either, yet) but you sound like you're giving her love and support with whatever she chooses regardless of your feelings, so you're doing a great job, and it's those things she'll remember.

It's fine to be disappointed that your expectations of having a daughter don't match who your daughter is but please never, never let let know. That is your issue and your disappointment and if you even let her think that she doesn't match your standards of what a girl should be, it will cause terrible damage to her self confidence. I was that tomboy and my mother always subtly let me know that she would prefer if I dressed and acted like her friend's pretty daughters and it took a lot of work to shake the feeling that I was inherently wrong. I took after my dad and work in the construction world now,as he did, so I'm more likely to be found in steel cap boots and a hard hat than a dress. There are many ways to be a girl and a woman and please support your daughter in whatever way she chooses.

What do you think having a ‘girl’ means? I have 2, they have long hair but neither wears make up and one wears mostly male clothes and the 1990s look that is fashionable at the moment.