To be sad about tomboy?

[NC4Obvs]

NC obviously

Just wanting an anonymous space as I'd never voice my feelings aloud and won't. But also want to ask the question.

10 year old DD for the last couple of years has wanted hair increasingly shorter and not wanted or worn any feminine clothes.

Bright, funny, healthy, happy child who is fully loved and no resistance met to these requests.

The last couple of months when seeing photos or catching a glance from a distance I realise that there's nothing other than if you heard her name that would make you think she is a girl. Assumption would 100% be boy.

She's not said anything about being mistaken for a boy, again she's chosen this look and so I don't think would be upset if she was, and her happiness is paramount so I'm not going to bring it up. She's popular and loves her sports and friends etc.

But. If you've been in the same boat. Did it make you feel a little sad? I know it's unreasonable. It's only hair and clothes. But it's when I see photos of her when she was little it feels like that child is a totally different person.

Again, her happiness is above others' opinions of her hair/clothes/hobbies and I'm very proud of anyone who has the courage to be their authentic self, I never did.

So I know it's my issue that my preference is girls to be girly.

But would to hear from mums of similar kids to say if they've felt the same.

talking of sterotyping… 😆

YANBU however on MN you will need to don your hard hat when admitting what you have.

As PP said, this may be a phase and she may change, also she may not. It is not worng to feel a bit sad.

OP, I completely understand how you feel. Ignore the people piling on you.

My DD was always so girly - she loved dresses, long hair and other stereotypically girly things- then at around 11, she suddenly started wanting to wear black, grey, sludge green and brown all the time, she would only wear jogging bottoms and hoodies and she had these horrible black trainers. Then she asked to get her hair cut short and it wasn’t long after that, that she told us she felt uncomfortable being a girl and that she wanted to be a boy.

We were completely thrown by this but of course didn’t say anything. We did so much research and discovered the best thing to do at the time was be supportive but not affirm anything. I’m so glad that we took this approach because 6 months later she started wanting to do her nails and wanted some skirts, 9 months later pink was back to being her favourite colour and she regretted having her hair cut short. She had wanted all black furniture in her bedroom, which we didn’t get because it’s a small room plus she didn’t need new furniture at the time but a year down the line she wanted it all to be white and pink with floral curtains and bedding. We have gone with that now because a time came when she needed a new bed and her chest of drawers and wardrobe were too small. She regretted getting her hair cut short and she thanked me recently for not getting the black furniture.

Now, her hair is long again, she’s back to calling herself a girl (her friends had been referring to her as he/him and she had a boy name that they used - she never asked us to use it though). We’re pretty sure that in her case she was scared of puberty. Now she’s almost 14 and her periods started a few months ago, and she’s taken it in her stride.

sorry this has ended up so long. I just came here to say I understand your feelings - it’s like the child you used to have just isn’t there any more, they’re so different and there is definitely a huge feeling of sadness. I know you’ve not said that your DD has mentioned wanting to be a boy, I’m just remembering how we felt when DD started wearing all the boyish clothes and trainers and had her hair cut.

It was most definitely just a phase with DD and we honestly strongly believe she didn’t think through the reality of it all, didn’t realise how long it would take or what she’d have to go through but just thought if she was a boy she wouldn’t have to deal with periods etc.

I know our cases are different if your daughter hasn’t mentioned actually wanting to be a boy but I wanted to let you know that I truly understand your feelings because I went through all the exact same ones.

Ignore all of the nasty posters op; surely we all wish things were different sometimes. I have a daughter with Sn so it’s unlikely she will marry and have children. Yes I’m sad I will probably never be a grandmother, does that make me a bad person?
On a lighter note I am sure DH would prefer that I look like Angelina Jolie; it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me.

Those people saying posters are 'vipers' piling in, I don't see that. And no one has said you're a monstrous person. Most people are giving advice along the lines of "ok that's not great is it which you've acknowledged so why don't you work out what the hell this is about/why is girliness so important and being a tomboy disappointing?"
I disagree with the blanket 'you can't help what you think/feel' . You can't help the thoughts or feelings popping up but you can work to understand them, where they've come from and make active choices whether you want to continue to live your life by then. Most of us 'rules' or 'scripts' we live our lives by without even noticing or wondering where they've come from. They usually come to use through social and family backgrounds, but if we noticed them more then we could choose if we wanted to operate by other people's rules or make our own active different choice.

You're not a terrible person. In fact, I think it's quite brave to voice your "disappointment" in the expectations you had vs reality.

She may well forever be a tomboy, she might one day decide she wants to grow her hair and wear pretty, sparkly things. Who knows? She might even be a tomboy who enjoys going to get her nails done but chooses less girlie colours than you expect.

I used to be a tomboy, I grew up with an older male cousin and wore his hand me downs and I even remember at one point thinking "should I have been a boy?"
I am now 37, with 2 little girls, I love handbags and shoes and sparkles and I'm so intrigued as to how my girls grow into themselves, just as your daughter is doing

YABVU.
She is an individual, it is up to her (within age appropriate reason) what she wears, how she has her hair, her hobbies and so on.
Presuming she is healthy and happy, then you really do need to focus on loving who she is becoming and not who you wanted her to become.

I also meant to add, admitting your feelings is the first place to start in dealing with them!

My daughter was very into pink and dresses as a little girl and then from about 10-12 changed her look completely. She had short hair, wore comfortable sporty clothes and had not started puberty so absolutely looked like a boy and was frequently mistaken for one. She got the lead role in the school show- playing the part of a boy. Many in the audience thought she was a boy.

I wasn’t sad at all. She had a short hair cut which really suited her and she wore comfortable, practical clothing. There’s nothing at all to feel sad about there.

She is 18 now, has long hair, wears dresses and skirts often and is unmistakably female. She looks great now and she looked great as a young teen too.

I’m not a ‘girly’ girl myself. I don’t particularly go in for performing femininity and never had any particular notions that my DD would or should look a certain way. 🤷🏼‍♀️

She's ten and she will most likely choose other styles too before she reaches thirty.
Do you have a dog?
Would she love to have pony riding lessons?
My little sister loved her animal phase at about ten and she loved being outdoors, short hair and unfussy clothes.

I was the same at that age and had a complete u turn a few years later!

My daughter cut all her hair off and was a tomboy age 9/10 - I think she was just experimenting with different styles and starting to rebel against expectations.
She's 18 now and still quite "edgy" - dyes her hair, quite extreme styles, likes a dramatic make up "look".

I think its really healthy to learn hair grows back and that you can use hair/clothes to express yourself. Be proud of your DD for being confident in herself! It's better than feeling she needs to comply to fit in.

As long as she is clear that she is actually a girl, and isn’t going in for any of that GC nonsense, she is fine. It’s just a question of style preference which is healthy. And as many PP have said it is probably a phase.
If she’s healthy, happy, is doing well at school and has interests and friends, she’s doing ok.

You're being given a ridiculously hard time OP. I totally understand how you feel. My DD hasn't worn anything feminine since she was 3. Even if we go to a wedding she wears masculine clothes. Everyone said it was a phase. And to go with it. She's now 14 and more masculine than ever. Presents completely as a boy. Gets constantly asked if she's trans at school. I've been worried sick she'd go down the trans route that's being pushed down our children's throats at the moment. Thankfully she hasn't. She knows she's a girl.

She won't be doing prom when it comes (already talking about it). No interest in hair, make up, clothes, handbags... I love her to the depth of my being but yes, I'm sad and disappointed. I'd looked forward to spa days and shopping days, choosing prom dress and doing all the things that other young girls do with their moms. She also insists she will never have children (and I believe her) so that is a huge sadness to me that I won't ever be a grandma.

I've never once expressed my disappointment to her. And never would. She is who she is. But I completely understand what you mean OP. It's not how you expected it to be. It's ok to feel sad.

Haha so far from true.

I've not worn make up in at least 2 months. Maybe longer. Never wear heels etc.

Also - just incase my OP wasn't clear enough I've never negatively commented on her clothes/hair. At age 10 I don't know any kids who pay for their own clothes/haircuts so I don't know why people are making the assumption this is a rebellion.

Surely if parents of 10 year olds are against certain clothes/hair cuts then they'd refuse them?

What I'm saying is in spite of supporting all decisions it makes me a little sad inside.

I recognise that's a total me issue, and writing this post actually has already helped a lot in me working through it and seeing how much it doesn't matter.

I hadn't made any assumptions about gender etc. 10 is far too young for all of that. I also don't say the word 'tomboy' in real life. Just was a succinct title.

Thanks for those who understood where I was coming from.

I don't think there is anything wrong in you expressing your feelings here at least you are not bothering your child with them and making your daughter feel that she is somehow wrong for being who she is right now at 10 yrs old. You come across as a lovely Mum, and I'm sure as she gets into her teens your daughter will continue to change/experience/ experiment with how she looks, what she wears and how she feels about life, as long as you give her your unwavering support she will flourish. For anyone on this thread accusing you of not wanting your daughter to be who she is right now, ignore them.

It might make you a little sad and you recognise that is not important.

However mostly you should be proud your dd is happy to be herself and not pressured to be more sterotypically girly. And proud of yourself as you must have given her the choice to dress how she likes.

My dd only wears sports clothes and while i wish she would dress up for a party/restaurant occasionally i do prefer her natural and sporty look to being very glam at 12 years old. So if i have to choose one extreme over the other tomboy definitely wins.

(Not meaning to criticse the young girls who enjoy dressing up it just feels a bit much too young in some cases no real harm in it if they like it and arent just trying to fit in/copy older girls).

Excuse my being pedantic @Mariposista, but GC stands for Gender Critical. People who hold GC views absolutely believe that girls in boys clothes are- and always will be- female.

Sorry for the stick youre getting on this thread.
This was me at that age! Maybe not the short hair but the clothes and rejection of most things stereotypically girly. I'm now in my 30s and am absolutely a makeup and pink dress girl now, still love my football though 🤣

Sorry, what now, 'nonsense'? Some people do actually genuinely question their gender and writing it off as 'nonsense' is of no help to anyone. I wouldn't jump to suggest that's what this child is doing, but even if she was, calling it 'nonsense' would not be how to deal with it sensitively.

It's great she has the strength of mind to wear what she wants to wear, and to look how she wants to look. Make the most of this self-confidence of hers now because the peer pressure will massively amp up in the next few years. The extreme pressures put on teenage girls might sadly result in her wonderful confidence waning.

I wish I had had that level of resilience and sense of self at that age.

I was exactly the same as your daughter OP from the ages of 9 until about 13. I think it is such a hard age as certainly for me it was when I started trying to really work out who I was plus your body starts to change around then and I just wanted it to stop and to cover it up. By 18 I had gone completely the other way!

I don’t think you are even remotely a bad person for feeling the way you are feeling. As she is working out who she is and leaving her old self behind you are also working out who she is and leaving her old self behind. It must be really hard.

No you are not! At all! 🌼

The child would be a completely different person for as long as they grow. I am very different now than who I was at 3 y/o and at 15y/o and then again at 25 y/o. As much as I appreciate my mother struggling at times emotionally, it is part of human development.
No, it doesn't make you a terrible person to feel this way but these feelings are unreasonable. She will go through many more changes over the years.
For the record, I was the same at her age, then went through hyperfeminine stage from 14 (I don't even remember ever wearing flat shoes outside of school, only had high heels between the age of 15 until about 20), then slowly morphed into my current style which is a combination of athleisure and 50s rockabilly dresses. Mum stopped making comments long time ago, thankfully.

What's with all the comments along the lines of 'its fine, it's just a phase. My daughter was like that at that age but is ultra feminine now'. She might stay 'Tom boyish' and I personally don't see a problem with that!