AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

[RomaniIteDomum]

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

@Bex5490, well look at the grandmother's behaviour. I can certainly believe that the OP has good reason to be wary around her mother.

Your Mother needs to wind her neck. Tell her that if she wants another photo of your child between now and your child 16th birthday she better remove the one that is on there and seriously promise she will never post a photo again. I am so proud of all my Grandchildren and would love to show them off but i have never have and never will post a photo of them online.

You sound insufferable

If social media didn’t exist then these grandparents wouldn’t be throwing a hissy fit

rarely upload photos of my grandchild online, in 20 years time they can creat their own privacy or not

You have a point…

But either they’re so bad you don’t want them involved or not. I don’t think waiting to reveal the sex is going to protect the baby from them.

The boys can’t hear you

How on earth is it sucking any joy out of being a grandparent if you're asked not to plaster your grandchild's image all over social media? How the hell do you think people coped before social media? (and wtf is a boasting book? Neither of my grannies had one in the 'old days') If you think this is true then you need to get yourself a life outside of social media platforms.

Why is it 'controlling' for a parent to ask that photos are not put on social media? It's a parent's job to ensure the safety of their child. If the OP feels that these measures are necessary for her child's safety, then they should be adhered to. It's not for anyone else to go against those wishes. If you think it's ok for grandparents/cousins/next-door-neighbours to deliberately ignore reasonable requests such as these, then you've got a problem and probably overstep boundaries yourself.

This bloody obsession for plastering all the minutiae of your life on social media is both ridiculous and pathetic.

OP I suggest you don't share any more photos with your mother. Or, if she doesn't own a scanner you could give her old-fashioned hard copy photos, if you were feeling generous.

I’m going to be an arse and tell you what hormones do not let us see on the first few weeks of the baby’s life:

They all look like potatoes and are hardly recognisable a month later so believe me, your baby is safe, nobody will remember how it looks tomorrow (it will look different anyway they grow so quickly at the beginning you may not recognise them yourself!)

I don't post pics of my children on SM but honestly your attitude seems extreme. And the foot pic, wtf is that all about? My baby has arrived friends and family but you're not allowed to see it?

You don't have the right to see them or be in their lives. If you were a toxic person, constantly undermined the parents, made their lives more difficult, treated the GC from the same family unequally, or were not a positive part of their lives, why would they involve you?

This ^^

The foot pic was a load of old attention seeking nonsense.

YANBU

Set the rules now. There is no reason to share baby's face online.

And I agree that it feels weird, when people would know about your baby only sex and rough date of birth and try to speculate/buy things based on that.

Your attitude will have seriously deflated your parents' excitement about your newborn. I hope you aren't expecting childcare or babysitting down the line.

As lots of posters have said, babies aren't that identifiable as newborns. You could post a photo of any baby and no-one would be any the wiser.

You are fortunate that your parents are so invested! If not posting photos online was such a huge issue, you should have made that abundantly clear before the baby was born, and explained why. I can only imagine how hurt your mum and dad must be feeling. You could have handled this better.

However, you must be full of hormones and hopefully euphoria after the birth.

Please make things up with your parents. This argument has soured what is a really special time. It must feel like a slap in the face to them. Couldn't you just allow them ONE photo?

I agree that if you are an awful person you shouldn’t have the rights to be a grandparent in the same way that awful people shouldn’t have rights as parents.

But if you’re not saying this and you do want the GPS in your kids lives then I think they should have rights as grandparents. Like access to to them.

Just my opinion.

Well, they’ve shot themselves in the foot, haven’t they? Forgive the pun. You just don’t send them anymore pictures and they don’t get to take any when (if) they see her. A family member has deleted social media and never puts photos of her dc up anywhere. Everyone respects the no pictures rule. There is no need to plaster a child’s photo all over Facebook and a parent’s decision regarding this ought to be respected. As for not telling them the sex, isn’t that quite standard these days?

That would be the last picture they'd ever get from me. Even without the fact of your job.
And 'pissing people off' by not revealing the sex - who does he think he is!

Fucking hell social media has a lot to answer for, I am so glad I have nothing to do with it.

sorry to point the obvious but you just posted in social media 😁

I don't disagree with that but I think talking about 'rights' needs to be done carefully. The 'right' to see a grandchild doesn't stop with seeing them as suits the parents with some grandparents. For some once a week isn't enough, for some every second day isn't enough. Do grandparents fit with the parents lives or do they get to demand the amount of contact that they think they are entitled to, even if it makes the parents' lives more difficult? Grandparent 'rights' doesn't mean they get to do or have whatever they want in relation to the grandchildren.

😂excellent point!!!

We set similar boundaries early on (also work in Tech) with our child who was the first grandchild in the family. Both sets of relatives were very respectful and understanding of our decision and subsequent new parents in both families have followed our lead in this. Of course pictures are shared privately in messages just not publicly on social media. I think on the whole folk are much more savvy about this kind of thing and aware of weirdos on the dark web but others still need educating.

How would allowing one photo help? The OP doesn't want the baby's face online. Allowing one would be just more confusing (if one is ok, why would the second one matter?)

All this drama. Jeez. Facebook is not the law. Nobody actually ‘needs’ to use it or announce anything on it. 🙄

Agreed. Grandparents should generally work around what’s convenient for parents.

But it’s about compromise though like sometimes if DS hasn’t seen his GPS for a while I’ll take him round even if I can’t think of anything worse that spending the day with my in-laws because they love each other and why wouldn’t I want to help facilitate a loving relationship for my child 🤷🏽‍♀️

Clearly you know nothing about cyber security if you think posting your baby's full name and DOB linked to all the other info on your own and family members pages is risk free. And even more so that you think facebook is ever "locked down" or secure.. it isn't. It's only as secure as any of your contacts i.e. not very

As long as your ILs are kind to you and you have no reason not to take your son to visit, of course you would. The sticking point there would be if they start to complain about how often you go to visit and demand more. Nothing I ever did was good enough for my ILs, so I just stopped trying. They are their GC but they are my children first.

As for me, I never knew any grandparents. My parents dragged us far away when we were tiny. If they had a right to know us and be involved, how does that work?

I think a request to not post photos on social media should be respected. It's not a huge thing.