AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

[RomaniIteDomum]

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

The joy of being a grandparent is to actually be a grandparent and see the photo yourself. Not fucking post it online. When did we become such a bunch of bloody narcs. Fine if she wanted to text it to a couple of friends. But posting online, ugh, it is just so unnecessary and look at me.

The fact that you work in cyber security and told her not to should be enough for her to not post pictures.

Reply saying she's sucking the joy out of you becoming a parent.

But I will add, that if the sonographer told you the sex and dm wanted to know, it was weird not to tell her. When I was pregnant with my dd, the sonographer said, it's prob a girl but don't go and buy a load of girl stuff as I am only about 70% sure. So I told my dm this info, rather than withholding it.

All babies look the same, no one cares except you it makes no difference what so ever

And furthermore, most people's eyes glaze over when someone gets the baby pictures out anyway. My heart drops when someone produces a fistful.

Nobody who's not the parent is going to scrutinize it.

That’s awful OP and I feel you’re getting quite a hard time from some people. It’s your baby, your rules! I wouldn’t want photos of my children on social media and if I’d explained that to parents beforehand and they ignored my request I’d be really upset. A week in and they’ve shown they can’t be trusted to respect you already. I’d make sure to be strict going forward to ensure they realise how important your rules are. I fear older generations don’t understand SM and the dangers it poses for children by posting images of them online!

What does 'work adjacent to a number of spheres' even mean?

Balloon salesperson.

Just out of interest-does your mothers face book directly show she is your mother op? If putting baby pics up would be dangerous for your kid due to your work, is it not also a bit dangerous for your mother to be linked to you via social media? Genuine question.

Totally get it if your in-laws start demanding things.

I loved my grandma as a child and we were close so maybe that’s why I think of it as an important relationship.

Times are different now so I imagine that if your GPS were lovely people and in my opinion would have had ‘rights’ to see you then it would probably involve video calls, visits if possible…but it was harder back in the day to facilitate this I guess. Or maybe like you’ve explained with some other GPs your parents didn’t think they deserved to be in your life for good reason and I would respect their right to make that decision if that’s what was best for you.

I guess it really depends on the circumstances. But I defo think that nice GPs should have the right to see their GCs - but you’re right, not at the detriment of the parents.

Yanbu

What is wrong with people on this thread?! Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Your baby, your rules. And considering how boundary-trampling your DM’s been over FB, I’m not surprised you didn’t tell her which sex the baby was likely to be. That’s nobody’s business except the baby’s parents’.

I am granny to 2 DGS - I wouldnt have cared if my DCS wanted to keep the genders secret- none of my business. I also waited to post pics and still check with birthday photos being posted etc.

My sides😂

This. You will be a grandparent some day hopefully. Yes they are being annoying about the social media thing but you are really fortunate to have people who are excited about your new baby. Find a way to move on from this.

Me too. They all look like little cabbage patch children

This I am afraid 😱 Why put a picture of a foot 🤦‍♀️

I'm laughing at the idea of a newborn baby being identifiable

You're right. When I was on the maternity ward I struggled to find my own.

This ! I only recognise my children, now years later by their outfits they had in .

YANB at all U, OP - when my grandson was born, my son made it very clear that he didn’t want any pictures of his children on social media - fine for me to take pics and share them privately with my sisters, but nothing in the public domain. I have absolutely respected this - why on earth wouldn’t I? Their reasons were slightly different from yours: they want their children to have autonomy over their own images - which is absolutely fine. I take enormous pleasure in being a grandmother, but I feel very strongly that the parents’ wishes should be respected. I had my turn being a parent, and now it’s up to them to be parents and to set the boundaries. I don’t understand why your parents aren’t falling over themselves to do as you have asked: your baby is very young, and you should be enjoying this time, not stressing about what they’re up to!

Don't you think the OP has shot herself in the foot, if she expects support or childcare?

Though I imagine, if her parents are like most parents, they will overlook the slight.

Most people I know who found out the sex didn’t tell anyone at all - grandparents included. Some did of course - but they are in the minority.

I don’t think it’s weird to keep this information just for the parents.

but them a lot of people on mumsnet expect everyone to act and think exactly how they do - which is actually the really weird thing!

Better still, DH and I didn't find out the sex of our babies, so we didn't have to withhold the information from anyone else!!

Yes this. Totally guilt them with the danger factor. They are very very out of order and their dramatics smack of being very self absorbed. Suck the joy my arse.

I’m not sure what you think will happen with a picture of your baby and why it’s a risk in particular? Anyone looking will know you’ve had a baby from the announcement and foot photo, what additional risk does a newborn pic involve?
Surely if SM is a risk to you it’s better for you not to be on there at all, especially not with links to family and friends.
if you’re honest is this primarily about asserting your control?

I think what I meant is that if you are planning on withholding information, why would you inform people that you have that information. It's a very strange thing to do IMO.

Rubbish - they are excited grandparents who just wanted to share their new grandchild with people they know. They're not axe murderers ffs!