AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

[RomaniIteDomum]

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

I wish grandparents would just do as they are asked. I’m a grandma, it’s not that difficult. I’m with you OP; it’s a matter of respect.

I hate foot photos of babies. I mean why even bother? Babies are very generic looking so I just don’t get the big deal with not sharing a proper picture.

Omigod, good try. There wouldn't be drama if people didn't deliberately go against the parents' wishes. It is not necessary to post photos of someone else's baby. Not posting photos doesn't hurt anyone. The drama-averse can choose not to post photos.

I don't get why you'd bother with Facebook if you wanted it v close friends & family. Just message individually or a WhatsApp if privacy is your priority. I don't post on FB at all for this very reason.

I don’t understand why you’d post anything on social media. I messaged the people I wanted to know that my baby arrived. I can’t believe there is much difference between the ‘bad cyber men’ seeing a newborn babies foot, elbow or face. It’s like you hate the risks of SM but can’t bare not having the validation and adoration that people love to lap up. Don’t post anything, it’s not compulsory and a picture of a foot just seems pointless and a bit precious.

You don't have to get it though if it's someone else's baby. I'd share a photo but if it's not my baby, it's none of my business.

😆

Whilst they should absolutely not have posted the pic when you’d asked them not to I really do think your argument would hold more weight if you posted nothing on social media yourself. Separately quite how you think your parents will influence the gender of your unborn baby does come across as a bit bonkers. You need to make it clear that no pics of your child on any social media are allowed at all and do the same yourself (even a foot!!).

This!

How dare they! We've never posted our DC faces online and it's no business of anyone else to do so. Children don't get a choice of having their faces plastered all over SM these days by grandparents the like, for all in sundry to see, and to be potentially available for anyone to see for the rest of their lives. And this is notwithstanding the dangers and criminals who'll exploit.

Put your foot down and point out the truth here. They are bang out of order. I'd not be sending them photos again.

I’m totally fine with people not wanting personal photos out there and I’m glad mine were babies before it all got going really.

I don’t use much SM, only fb, but it’s very locked down as my ex used to stalk me and I no longer post much anyway.

I do think your parents have been quite insensitive to your feelings. But I also think there are so many photos out there this photo will soon just be buried under a deluge of other new baby and everything else posts and will soon disappear.

Try not to worry too much. Enjoy your new baby and try to remain on good terms with your parents as much as you can. They already love their grandchild so much and can be a wonderful support to you if you allow it.

I think some of the posts on here are rather over the top for what has actually happened.

I don't disagree with not sharing baby pics but easier to say no social media than try and control which photos are shared, and to expect them to post a pic of a foot because you've decreed that must be the one they post.

Because my parents buy into gender roles and we don't. I didn't want her to be subjected to their sexism before she was even here

Oh lord, going to be a tough eighteen years for your parents.

Thanks as I didn’t know what “AITA” was.

I agree with you OP and you’ve given a good reason, are they aware of the risks with your work?

I think you have to continue to insist they take it down. If they can’t be trusted to respect the safety concerns, they shouldn’t have access to any photos that you aren’t comfortable being posted publicly.

Which is why @Moonwatcher1234 suggested not posting anything

This

Why are some of you poster so stupid. No-one has to reveal the gender of their baby if they don't want to, Grandparents aren't entitled to anything and certainly not posting pictures if they have been asked to and there is nothing wrong with posting a baby's foot - some of you are really weird!

Gender roles?

How have you managed to not buy into gender roles yourself then, if they're so bad?

It's sex not gender.

And of course you don't have to tell anyone.

But then why tell them that you know? Why not keep the whole aspect private?

What the hell?! (To the person who originally asked that) - of course she's entitled to not reveal the sex! Many many people choose to keep that private!! Ffs does everything have to be shared these days?!

Yanbu - I think it's very sensible not to put photos of your child on social media and I'd be concerned that this might be predictive of your parents lack of respect towards your boundaries going forward.

steady on. you've nearly used up an entire thread's quota of exclamation marks there.

Why? It’s nice to have something to yourself, and there’s always the chance what you’ve been told is wrong and then you have to deal with people making comments asking if you’re disappointed etc. I knew the sex of both mine and didn’t tell anyone. People aren’t entitled to everything, they’ll find out soon enough!

Wow - nice way to talk about the people that raised you.

I would hate the idea that my kids wouldn’t think I was ‘entitled’ to anything as a grandparent. Like the right to see them and be in their lives.

The photo thing I get but the gender thing? OP says she didn’t tell them to protect the baby (whilst in the womb) from her parents sexism. I mean god - imagine the damage done if grandma bought a pink cardigan that you could throw in the cupboard and never use…

Or even worse a doll? I genuinely can’t think how GPs could negatively affect an unborn child with their beliefs on gender roles…

Bit OTT…

I love it when people talk about being 'educated' in internet safety, try to give off an air of anonymity and authority, yet fail to see how much their own previous posts on a forum can give away about them

@Motnight

UndercoverCop · Today 21:07

Are you the receptionist OP?
Careful - your misogynistic views are peaking through.

Such a stretch, and actually I do work in this field and both my receptionist and diary managers are men! My point was that I think OP is exaggerating the security risk associated with her work. Those of us who actually work in these fields are subject to very stringent social media policies, which wouldn't include personal FB accounts, linked to family members, with baby feet pictures.
If she doesn't want pictures posted, I absolutely understand that, but what she says about her work doesn't make sense, like needing a personal FB for cyber security/crime related work, absolute nonsense. So my implication was when she says adjacent to cyber crime does she mean she answers the phones. I could equally have said caretaker/cleaner/car park attendant. Of course you realise this but it's easier to pretend otherwise.

I'm laughing at the idea of a newborn baby being identifiable.