AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

[RomaniIteDomum]

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

I can’t believe the level of your parents’ disrespect. It doesn’t matter if they/we think you’re being ridiculous or over the top (I don’t think that, btw). This is your baby and you get to decide how things are done. Also you’re mere days post-birth and they’re calling you all these names and stressing you out. Unbelievable. I’m really sorry for you Op.

All babies look similar. You'll end up with them showing no interest in your child at all if you keep being rude when they show an interest.

Support OP 100%.

You'll look back on all this one day and cringe op

Just enjoy your baby

Well she hasn't mentioned that so that's just extrapolation. I'm also extrapolating by saying that she doesn't sound particularly close to her parents from her phrasing in her OP. Maybe she's not expecting any support? If my dm couldn't even abide by my wish to keep my dc off social media, I certainly wouldn't trust her to look after them. What else might they ignore?

Look meeeeeee…. But not too much!!

brilliant 🤣

Yes

The excitement of the GPs suggests at least a decent relationship.

if not then just bin them - that's what so many posters want isn't it???

Don't you think the OP has shot herself in the foot, if she expects support or childcare?

Well for various reasons neither has ever done either so not sure why I'd expect them to now

Couldn't agree more!!

But most will simply say that they don't know the sex. Whereas OP let her parents know that she knew the sex, but she wasn't going to tell them. Why would anyone did that?

'I know something you don't know and I'm not going to tell you', is the stuff of primary school playgrounds

I assumed this was your first child?

If you're not happy with how they are as grandparents, then grey rock them.

I think we agree on the issues by the sound of it.

My grandparents were fine (so I hear). My parents had a sense of adventure so decided to take us and leave the country ensuring we never knew any aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc. Some people talk about the right of the grandchildren to know their grandparents, and the other way around, but sometimes it just doesn't happen.

This whole way of growing up made me very self-sufficient. My ILs did not like this one bit. Combine a MIl who wants to be needed (take over really) with a self-sufficient DIL who never had GP relationships and it just didn't work out. I should add, not for lack of trying on my part to involve them. I just wasn't prepared to involve them on their terms at the expense of my parenting.

Your attitude will have seriously deflated your parents' excitement about your newborn.

My kids were born before Facebook became widespread, and you'll be shocked to know that not being able to post photos of them all over the internet didn't in any way diminish their grandparents' happiness.

if you’re honest is this primarily about asserting your control?

Even if it was, which it's not, it's weird that people think it shouldn't be the parent's that are the ones in control 🙄

I don't consider this social media, I'm talking about Facebook, Instagram, X etc

TBH you sound a bit precious. A foot photo honestly? Are you famous?

All this silly secrecy. You sound like very hard work.

New parents' prerogative to be precious, I guess?

Hi Granny!

Nothing more annoying than a MIL who still wants to be the ‘main lady.’ And if she cared that much about seeing her GC she would’ve worked around your needs as her mum.

It’s lucky that now people can kind of have the best of both worlds though, be adventurous and take your kids wherever you like, but still help them to keep in contact with family left behind if it’s important enough to them.

If cyber criminals know you why would you have any identifiable social media? 😵‍💫

Complete overreaction. YABU.

YANBU