Those with high pressure jobs, what was worse, maternity leave or the job?

[Desupi]

First time mum here due in March and very clueless! I work as an Executive Assistant to a high profile indivudual. Don't get me wrong I do like my job most of the time, but it can be highly stressful too.

I keep seeing all these posts on social media about how being a new mum is depressing, exhausting, you lose your identity etc, and it is making the whole thing quite daunting. However, I will have 9 months off work and think to myself how nice it will be to spend time with my baby and not have to think about work at all.

I appreciate that as I have never had children before I likely have no idea what is coming. But i guess what I am looking for is for some opinions on how you found maternity leave?

I had my mat leave during Covid so that coloured things a bit but even then my job is far more difficult and gruelling. Being just responsible for baby / feeds / cooking was a holiday in comparison.

I would say they are on a par.

I love my job but it's highly demanding emotionally. I think the need to be constantly emotionally regulated helped me prepare for maternity because the things I find hard about mat leave sometimes overlap with the things I find hard about work for example the demand, the intensity, the constant pressure of being needed and responsible.

I would say mat leave has changed a lot the more time has gone on. Initially it was tough because I was physically recovering with a newborn and no sleep and battling infections. After that I had to manage ppa and intrusive thoughts and a genuine fear of being in the car incase of an accident. I'd say I was in a real fog of hormones until about 7 months in which really affected my emotional regulation and my memory and executive functioning.

We kind of found our groove and it was really nice but then when ds got bigger weaning I found a big demand on my time and at that point a lot of my mum friends went back to work and kind of disappeared while they got used to that so it got very lonely and that was tough. Now I'm fast approaching going back to work and I'm feeling really gutted that my time with ds is coming to an end and I'll have so much less time with him in the week as I've no option but to work full time plus a commute. So it's been a bit rough emotionally even though logically I know it'll be OK.

I have pretty good support networks and dh is very hands on which helped a lot.

All these people who say they hated being at home with their babies, why did you have children in the first place

What a short-sighted view. You have children for life, yet if someone isn’t enamoured with the baby phase ‘why did you have children’? That phase is a hell of a lot shorter than the rest.

What an incredibly ignorant post.

I'm going to guess you are a parent who had an easier ride in the first year and still believes this is due to their superior parenting.

The idea that you only options are skipping uncomplaining through sleep deprivation, infected nipple, baby health scares etc or otherwise "you don't love you child" is actually a misogynist trope. You are basically saying that the only good mother is one who is obliged to be uncomplaining and self-sacrificing no matter what they face. It's rubbish.

Job is harder than maternity leave, absolutely, definitely, 100%.

They're both different!
May leave is hard because it's so very different to my usual job (senior academic management / researcher)
It is much slower pace, but more full on as you can't step away from the crazy. However it's so rewarding getting to milestones and just enjoying time with bonding and precious moments

I look back now (mine are 11&15) and love those precious moments, albeit they were challenging, but my two ate both ND, and wouldn't change it for the world! EA is transient, babies are for life 💕

I loved it so much I used to just marvel at not having to go to work but getting to be with my little beings and get out in the world doing lovely things, meeting new people. They were just special days and recently I have felt so sad they are in the past. Maybe people who are more introverted find it harder as you have less social contact? I got out and met so many new friends it was lovely seeing a variety of mums over the week. Napped every afternoon with my baby, gosh it was just golden days.

I was a teacher and worked 10 hour days pre mum and it was relentless and I was euphoric when I got the opportunity to then take 6 years off and I still miss the stay home days, Work feels repetitive and mundane often in comparison and I resent I had to go back with a 4 and 6 year old and even put my child in nursery for one year as she hated it and cried every day. She told me recently when I asked why she cried at drop off every single morning, she did not feel safe as there were so many kids at the nursery and she just wanted to be at home with me and it felt so dreadful to hear that from her it made me feel very guilty and I wish I had found a way to wait till she went to school as for her, nursery was not an enjoyable environment for long school days. I will have regret over that always I think. It made me cry when she shared the sense of not being safe, that tiny little girl being dropped and feeling like that from 8 till 6 every day, urrrghhhh I wish I had found a way to just stay home another year.

I thought I loved my busy high pressure job, but my goodness maternity leave changed everything - best year of my life and went part time to hold onto a tiny bit of how wonderful it was.

Don’t dread things. People tell you all sorts of nonsense about terrible births, terrible sleep everything negative about having children etc etc. Just take it as it comes you’ll figure it out.

I took advantage of doing loads in my mat leave. After the initial 6 weeks of just been thankful that we were all alive at the end of the day then things settled down and we took advantage of getting some UK breaks in. Flying to see family while we didn’t have to pay for extra seats and being outside loads. By 12 months I was ready to go back.

@Stompythedinosaur no I did not have an easy time. Actually I was in a DV relationship and fled with my baby.
Obvious factors such MMH, breastfeeding problems, sleep deprivation etc contribute to mothers feeling stressed and overwhelmed during the first year and of course beyond. However, my point was aimed at those saying they hated being at home and couldn’t wait to return to work. I can’t relate. Everyone has their own journey with parenthood, and I was simply replying to the original question posed…

Saying you can't relate is very different to questioning why mothers who didn't enjoy a very short stage of their child's life had children at all, especially as it is impossible for anyone to know how they will feel or what kind of baby they will have.

I still can't understand why some posters translate maternity leave with "being stuck at home all day with a baby" or sticking to baby groups if you hate them?

I agree about the first weeks of recovery, but maternity leave is what you make of it. Being miserable and playing mummy martyr is not benefiting your child in any way. That time is crucial to bond, but how is forcing yourself to be stuck indoors, doing nothing, be bored out of your mind helping you to bond?

No one is telling you to go clubbing in Ibiza all night when on maternity leave, but surely there's a middle ground.

It's so strange to see it as a punishment and being put on house arrest. It's only boring if you make it boring.

Noticing a bit of a pattern here - lots of teachers saying they preferred Mat Leave, myself included. Maybe it depends on the pressure and pace of the job? For me, leaving my babies in order to look after other people's children really hurt, especially at morning drop off and home time when I saw my little class running out to their waiting mummies (I know I'm seeing this with rose tinted glasses but that's my abiding memory.) I was able to reduce my working days to 4 days which made a big difference.

Personally, I wasn't stuck at home all day and I avoided baby groups but I was still bored out of my mind and didn't enjoy it.

I just didn't find doing nothing but that fulfilling despite getting out and about, I needed the stimulation that I only get at work so I went back early although I had a feeling that I wouldn't want a long maternity leave even when I was pregnant.

I'm one of those who couldn't wait to go back to work. I went through a tremendous infertility battle to become mother and I adore the ground my child walks on but I absolutely did not enjoy maternity leave and was bored out of my mind. However, I had a covid baby - by the time we were ready to go out and about - we went into the first lockdown. To be completely honest - I don't think I'd enjoy it even if it was a bog standard maternity leave without these complicating factors - but lockdown on top of sleep deprivation (that prevented me from enjoying activities I'd normally enjoy - reading etc.) made my maternity leave completely and utterly boring. My husband took shared leave when I got back to work and he found it way more pleasant so I am sure this is down to personalities as well.

I think that you can't know how you'll react to it. And I believe it is all down to personality and circumstances - I don't think women who enjoy maternity leave are not amazing professionals and I don't think women who did not are not fit to be mothers.

My job 100%

Maternity leave has been nothing but amazing. Me and my little buddy spend our days however we want and I have never been so relaxed and happy in my whole life.

And we were out and about from day 3 despite emergency section. No house arrest…

@SouthLondonMum22

Theres a vast difference in saying you felt it was boring, monotonous etc which, at times is to be expected and I get that.
However, my comment was a reaction to people saying they hated being with their babies! To me that’s such an extreme thing to say. The emphasis on creating a bond and promoting development and healthy attachment in the early years is well documented, so those who state they hated being with their babies I’d be inclined to think they were missing the opportunity to do that which is a shame.

Perhaps many of them were suffering from unchecked PPA or PPD, which is sadly common.

Great advice!
Personally I found it very difficult but had been made redundant from my job of dealing with hundreds of people some days at events and lots of travel and variety.
I took a huge blow to my social life, intellectual challenge and status and would def have gone back to work if i could but took years to find another job. In the end I started my own business which turned out even better than imagined.
Being at home with no support from husband or family sucks and is never ending so get some friends in the same boat, make sure you get regular breaks and your partner does his share so he knows how hard it is.
Try to enjoy the time off as you can never get it back x

This completely.

I work for an investment bank in finance.

I also absolutely loved maternity leave.

I’m not sure these things should be mutually exclusive!

And whilst I love my work and am back full time, my family is my world and i find it puts into perspective how unimportant most of the shit at work actually is.

Most comments I saw were more about boredom and hating it due to that but it's possible I missed some.

Hate is a strong word and people do throw it about when I'm not so sure they actually mean more than dislike so I generally don't take it literally.

It also isn't about the baby or it wasn't for me anyway, it was about me and needing the mental stimulation I get from work with deadlines, pressure etc that makes me thrive. It's possible to have a bond with your baby, love your baby and enjoy spending time with your baby but just not 24/7.

This thread has been so interesting and really shows how different people view life. But also I think, how older posters (me included) forget how different life is now than 35+ years ago.
I remember feeling lucky when I wasn't working and feeling that my then DH had the short straw having to work. I didn't work till mine were older and realised then how peaceful it was working with adults and having a coffee in peace.
And yet, so many of my pre baby friends had babies around the same time as me, and so we had friendship and support from people who we already knew, and had things in common with, not just babies. So it was better for our mental health.
In my case I had plenty of support from my mum too, though looking back I realise that I was one of not very many who had that.

It does seem more difficult now with people often further from their families, maternity leaves often not coinciding with those of friends etc so loneliness is a huge problem and really ramps up stress for women on maternity leave.

Finances obviously play a big part too. One baby, local family and friends, a car and a few quid to spare makes it easier to enjoy maternity leave than many other less affluent scenarios. And of course a partner who pulls their weight. And those are just things I'm thinking of off the top of my head.

I find it really perplexing that people can't find interesting things to do or be mentally challenged except in the context of work. If someone does prefer being at work to being with their baby then I'd ask genuinely why they bothered to have a child. It's not compulsory. There's loads of ways to stop getting pregnant. If your previous life was so much better then honestly why bother...just carry on doing the things you enjoy without the burden of being a parent. That's an absolutely valid choice

@Comedycook because you can do both? It’s not an either/or. You can both work and look after your children. I did, DH and I worked opposite days/shifts so I was either working or looking after kids, and so was he. No family support as no one near but we made it work as it was just possible for us to swing it that way with our jobs (albeit serious lack of sleep for several years while tag teaming in/out door🤣). What would it have mattered if you replaced one of us with nursery though, nothing. We only did it that way because we could and it was a real opportunity to get ahead $$ wise.

Your philosophy of having to pick your favourite out of work/kids and only do that is …… odd.