Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

[Marnie1818]

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

The relationship seems to be very much on his terms. He sounds like he is taking advantage of you for free childcare. I’m not quite sure what you get out of it. At this stage it should be more about dinner, dating and having fun rather than the drudgery of domestic life.

Did you tell him you loved him? Or did you just ask the question? If you wanted to know where the relationship is heading, why didn’t you just talk about that instead?
From what I am reading, he gave you an honest answer and you loaded it heavily with your own insecurity. It’s very normal to take things slowly at this age especially if there is history of previous relationship breaking down.

💯 normal to take things slowly, which is why I’m surprised about his actions with his children. You can’t pick and choose the things which you want to move fast and the things you’ll take your time on when children are involved. I’ve asked how he feels about me and me makes a joke about it or says he would be devastated if I ended things and he really misses me! He even sings my love songs as voice notes

And he hasn’t even asked if I love him. He put the answer and the. Asked why o was even asking

Maybe he could say "I love spending time with you"!

This relationship sound like classic man going through divorce finds sucker to provide moral support, childcare (and I bet housework!) and generally assure that he doesn’t have to experience the mundane reality of single fatherhood scenario.

what you need now, OP, is the woman wakes up, realises she’s being taken advantage of, puts some boundaries in place and puts herself (and her children) first phase of that scenario

Who cares if he loves you or not. This relationship is just drudgery to suit him.

You said "Do you love me?", and then, what did he say exactly?

"I'm not there yet but I'm headed that way"

               or

"You're not there yet but you're headed that way"

For some reason this matters to me - the first is terribly self-absorbed and already enough to put me off, but the second is unforgivable in that it focuses on how close you are to deserving his love... like getting a promotion.

Yep. Housekeeper, lover, pal, Step parent for their children is what 'they' look for in a new squeeze.
It happened to me (woman) with another woman. As she said. "I am not going to refuse help am I?" What you see is what my life is, that includes my children.

You do seem to have compressed time a bit OP.
Of course he is wary, he just got divorced. He needs to be sure. Sure it won't crumble away like before.
Slow things down and you can still enjoy time with him.

You have been dating since February and after 9 months you definitely know whether you love someone or not...

His answer is really a turn off.

I would worry that you are just 'convenient' for the time being (especially in term of helping him with his kids) but that he really is not sure about long term prospects.

To me this just does not sound good...I would take a step back, stop spending so much time with him and focus on your own life and make it clear you are not available for childcare support.

My feeling is that when you do that he will just start fading in the background because he is not that invested in the relationship and is just using you to have his needs met.

Genuine love doesn’t take 9 months to figure out.

I agree with the general sentiments but it took me six months to fall in love with DH. Different circumstances though, we were colleagues and I was just out of another LTR and definitely not looking for romance or another relationship. Once we were in a relationship, I knew. Or just before we got into one really.

This with bells on. I’d run a mile.

The 2 single dads I’ve known have taken it very slowly with new partners and not taken the piss with free childcare (eg not asked) from said new partner because they’re not using idiots.

OP I'm surprised you're still surprised after everyone has laid it out pretty bluntly on this thread.

Tell him you want a break from childcare this weekend and see what happens, if you're still unsure about your role in his life.

I'm actually quite angry at you OP (sorry). But the things that have happened here, none of them are great, and I can't believe you played such a big role in that and never saw it for what it was.

How did you not think it was way too much, way too soon!?!

I can't quite get that you don't see just how used you've been, how inappropriate this has been with regards to his children, how deliberately nasty this has been towards his ex-wife.

But hey, he got an ego boost, got to show everyone he is just fine after his divorce, he got to pretend looking after both kids is a doddle and he could do it easily (by offloading parts of it), etc. Run a mile, that guy is hideous.

He even sings my love songs as voice notes

Well of course he does! It's an easy two-minute solution to his childcare problem. Plus he gets free sex, company and a useful woman about the place. I'm guessing when you stay at his, you cook, clean, care for his children and generally make yourself useful? He knows which side his bread's buttered!

If he doesn’t love you and doesn’t see a future for you both, he shouldn’t have introduced you to his kids and expected free childcare. What sort of a person does that if they aren’t even sure about the relationship and it’s future? I’d tell him that you’re clearly not on the same page and that maybe you need to cool things off as you’re not willing to be a part of his family when he’s not even sure if he loves you.

Good points, thank you. I hadn't read the whole thread, and in light of the later updates I agree it doesn't sound good.

I do think it may be too early for some people to know (or feel) they are in love. But @Marnie1818 I do have to agree with this poster. ^ You do seem a bit convenient, as drudgery and childcare support. I'd be cooling off with him if it were me tbh. Seems like he should know by now if he feels strongly for you. And right now, it seems like you're just 'useful.' Sorry.

Such an easy thing to do, doesn't mean anything

'he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times.'

This is disgusting on his behalf. He should be spending this time with his children. How dare he bring another woman into their lives who he doesn't even love.

You are being used. Remember: if you have children with him and break up, this will be how your children are treated.

I agree

Why be in a relationship if you don’t love the person - that’s dating right?

Because you are free childcare, housework and blow jobs.

Actions speak louder than words. I wouldnt ask someone if they loved me I'd ask myself what they did for me.

Exactly. Step back. Say no. Enjoy your kid free weekend

@Marnie1818
Better check out of this thread now luvvie, they are about to 'pile-on' you. because you haven't admitted your error yet.

If he doesn’t know that he loves you after spending time with him since February( 8months) then he is never going to love you. It seems you are convenient for now regarding his divorce, childcare , house etc.

please find someone who loves you for being you.