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Original poster

Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

352 replies

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:05

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

OP posts:
Takeabreather23 · 11/10/2023 08:30

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

Is this my ex !
I learned the hard way .

Od leave and regain your life back it will
be harder with a split of you leave it any longer .
Doesn’t love you but your ok to help with his kids . I also think he would be a manipulator .

Stravaig · 11/10/2023 08:30

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 03:37

I asked him because he wants me to stay over again this weekend and have his daughter for 3 hours on Sunday! I don’t want to do this! It’s my kid free weekend! I don’t want to do this for someone who wants to play house one minute but I’m not good enough to be in love with - he can't have both! If he isn’t ready yo be in love fine, but stop acting like it

I don’t want to do this! It’s my kid free weekend!

Here's the problem, and it's your problem, not his.

You don't want to do something, and that should be the beginning and end of it.

However if he loves you, if he says he loves you, if he's able to respond to your question with he loves you .... then your brains and boundaries and self-respect dribble out of your ears, and you would do what you don't want to do, because ... that's love. Wtf?!

Look at how warped your thought process are. I think you need to take some time away from men and relationships, and do some work on yourself and your ideas about love and boundaries.

You barely know this guy; neither of you are in a good place to start a new relationship; and it is much too soon to be intermingling children and homes.

Rasell · 11/10/2023 08:31

Well then you've got to finish it. You're clearly unhappy and you've got to go with your gut. You're obviously a lovely, caring person...good luck to you xx

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/10/2023 08:34

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2023 01:33

He wanted to rush the bits that facilitated his life. Easy divorce, babysitting, company. He had a woman-shaped hole in his life and he filled it with you.

Dump and run.

Show quote history

I agrée - he rushed the bits that suit him, didn’t he.

I’d generally think 4 months in to being in a relationship is too soon to be meeting his kids, staying over when they are there etc

Often it would be too soon for “I love you” too - but bearing in mind the things he is ready for, these have come the wrong way around. Don’t introduce someone to your kids if love isn’t there yet.

His response is horribly manipulative and suggests tou need to work and earn his love. That’s no way to go about things. I agree he’ll be like this forever if you stay with him.

DriftingDora · 11/10/2023 08:34

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

Why aren't you telling him all this? What have you got to lose by being honest with him and telling him how he made you feel? If he's really interested he'll listen and take notice, if he isn't he'll let you know quick enough by the sound of him!

But if (as seems likely) it's all give on one side and all take on the other, then you've got your answer. Why waste more time on this bloke if that's how he makes you feel?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/10/2023 08:35

Have your kid free weekend to yourself Op for starters.

JFDIYOLO · 11/10/2023 08:42

You're the live-in cook, cleaner, housekeeper and nanny.

And you do it all for FREE!

Imagine what he'd have to pay if he hired all these people.

You're not his love. You're the help.

Wanttobekind · 11/10/2023 08:44

You’re free babysitting, therapy, and a guaranteed shag. He’s be mad to lose you which is why he’s keeping you dangling and you’d be absolutely bonkers to stay.

He sounds ghastly.

ActDottie · 11/10/2023 08:44

You’ve been together four months and already introduced kids etc. sorry but that’s way too soon…

WashableVelvet · 11/10/2023 08:45

Did he say he’s not there yet but he’s on the way to loving you? (If so I think that was fine and honest)

Or did he say that you aren’t there yet but you’re on the way to be worth loving? (If so I think that was grim)

Separately, it does sound like you’re doing a lot of free childcare for someone who only talks about themselves and is willing to introduce people they barely know to their kids. I wouldn’t be at all keen on that myself.

CatMattress · 11/10/2023 08:46

lettingtheforumdown · 11/10/2023 08:27

You are 40 and seriously referring to someone as your "boyf"?

And you're asking him if he loves you?

This is all very teenage.

If you're genuinely 40 and have had relationships before (which you clearly have, as you have children), you should know that romantic "love" isn't a thing. How would you even define loving someone? Loving your children is very clear cut - parents viscerally love their children and would die for them. Love between two unrelated adults is a very different thing, not least as a partner can always be replaced (unlike a child).

If you don't agree with the way he is using you for childcare, then either tell him this and see where it takes you, or end the relationship.

What else is she supposed to call him? I mean he's obviously not a 'partner' - he's doing bugger all for her and she's facilitating his life for him. Hardly a team.

Not sure what you're getting out of this 'relationship' OP, he must be amazing in bed to put up with this sort of dismissive using.

Worddance · 11/10/2023 08:47

His answer might be obnoxious or just clumsily put.

If you don't want to do childcare, don't.

If you like him enough to wait, do that. If you don't, split.

LadyLapsang · 11/10/2023 08:52

How old are your children? While you are spending five days per week with this fairly new boyfriend who doesn’t love you but wants you to look after his children, you are missing out on time with your own children.

billy1966 · 11/10/2023 08:53

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/10/2023 08:20

Say no I’m busy when he keeps asking you to be his free childcare. He’s taking you for a mug

This.

You are very convenient childcare.

OP, he has shown you who he is, a user who needs childcare.

You are very silly not to see this clearly.

Stop having ANYTHING to do with his children.

Be busy.

Have self respect for YOUR free time.

Only desperate woman mind the children of men in their free time.

I bet you will see a far more real him if you are no longer his free au pair.

You deserve better than allowing yourself to be used like this.

Goldbar · 11/10/2023 08:53

He might not love you but he seems to love the convenient, free childcare you provide.

neveradullard · 11/10/2023 08:54

If he wants you to look after his daughter for a few hours during time that you'd rather spend (and should give) to your own DC...or whatever you feel like doing tbh....then you tell him 'no, sorry, can't help'. It's his childcare problem not yours. You're being so helpful and available he's taking you for granted.

I would expect if you do that often enough and stop acting like his support staff then he will cool off and get arsey with you. Either that or he'll suddenly declare undying love for you to reel you back in.

GabriellaMontez · 11/10/2023 08:54

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 03:49

No he’ll make out he’s desperate to see me! He’s booked for us to go away for a weekend next month! I don’t get why he behaves this way

You don't get it?

His kids love you. You're free childcare. You make his life easier.

I'm sure he likes you too. But he's using you. I'd pull right back and resume dating.

I'd openly laugh at requests to babysit. Literally "ha ha 2 of my own is enough thanks ".

Carouselfish · 11/10/2023 08:56

So he divorced his wife and went straight from her presumably doing things for him to you doing them. He has never had to look after his house and children by himself? This has been rushed into OP. He had a job opening.
Smoothened has tickled me very much.

Melminiani · 11/10/2023 09:00

A wise person on here once shared something super helpful re relationships: if they like you, you’ll know, if they don’t, you’ll be confused.

I found this a bit of a game changer when I was dating, as once I’d met someone, if I was full of questions about what they’d actually meant when they’d said something that appeared to be the opposite of how they’d behaved, I would remember this and realise that they just didn’t like me in the way I was wanting/ready to be liked. And that I couldn’t change that, and it was a sign that it was time to move on.

OP, your posts are full of questions about what he or his behaviour is saying. I think that if he truly wanted to build a long-lasting relationship with you, you wouldn’t have all these questions, you would know that he wanted the same thing as you.

whattodo22222 · 11/10/2023 09:02

I suspect he has his kids 50 50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance, but doesn't want to care for them 50 50, so he needed to find another woman to do it asap

SeptemberSuns · 11/10/2023 09:02

If you needed to ask, he doesn't. He's using you. Go out and find someone else and let me deal with his own childcare.

StopStartStop · 11/10/2023 09:03

You are very convenient for him, aren't you? Does he love you? Does he love the washing machine or the vacuum cleaner? No, but they're handy to have around.

Goodadvice1980 · 11/10/2023 09:04

I think you are the place marker OP. All the benefits of being with someone (for him) but none of the commitment.

Four months is far too soon to be introducing children.

This one ain’t a keeper OP, but deep down I think you know that!

user1471538283 · 11/10/2023 09:05

Ooh goody lucky you - so if you do more and more he might love you!

You've been used to help him through and as soon as someone he does want to be with comes along he will drop you or even deny you were a couple.

Knock this right on the head

Catmuffin · 11/10/2023 09:06

Vand · 11/10/2023 02:42

Dating since February he should know if he loves you. Genuine love doesn’t take 9 months to figure out. You know pretty quickly once you make things romantic with someone.

get rid of him

Yes. I fell for late dh after 2 months.

He shouldn't have even introduced his kids until he was sure of his feelings for you. Sounds like you've been used. I'd take a big step back. It's not fair on the kids to be so involved if it might not last

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