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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

352 replies

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:05

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

OP posts:
Forgotmylogindetails · 11/10/2023 07:52

@Marnie1818

this answer tells you everything,

im not one of those “oh it’s so soon to be around the kids people “ and I’m not here to judge you.

i did pretty much the same as you with his kids and stayed 9 years … don’t do it . Find someone who treats you and your kids as equal. be happy being single until you find that person.

it’s hard because I expect spending so much time with his kids , you probably feel guilt to them if you go BUT ultimately your kids are your priority and as harsh as it sounds from experience his kids will be happy with anyone who gives them time.

our life is too short to be a maybe or “your getting there”.

know your worth xxx

emmylousings · 11/10/2023 07:53

Personally I don't agree that 4 months is too early, there's lots of variations on love obviously...but when people have the sense of 'falling in love', the heady phase, I think people feel and want to express it in 4 months. Especially if lots of time spent together
I'd be pissed off with that response.

HowToSaveAWife · 11/10/2023 07:57

What's that old saying...

"Right now someone is with your ex, thinking they're lucky to have found them..."

@Marnie1818 run.

Circularargument · 11/10/2023 07:58

Vand · 11/10/2023 02:42

Dating since February he should know if he loves you. Genuine love doesn’t take 9 months to figure out. You know pretty quickly once you make things romantic with someone.

get rid of him

Rubbish. Genuine love takes longer ime. Flash in the pan Hallmark card "romance" isn't love, it's just hormones. No wonder relationships these days are so shallow.
Otoh he does seem bit of a user, but I'm going by deeds not words.

emmylousings · 11/10/2023 08:02

anareen · 11/10/2023 04:11

On top of educating yourself on toxic relationships, abusive relationships, narcissistic relationships and trauma bonds, please educate yourself on self awareness as well! 💜

Massively patronising. Romantic relationships are just complicated, doesn't mean it's any of this therapy language stuff. OP doesn't come across as lacking self awareness at all, she's just got swept up in a relationship which is er, normal.

itsmyp4rty · 11/10/2023 08:02

You are someone to dump his kids on.

The fact that he wanted you to be around them so much after so little time would be a huge red flag to me, it must only have been a couple of months after you got into a relationship. He sounds awful and is clearly just saying what he thinks you want to hear because you're very convenient to him. I have no idea why you've stuck around so long. No doubt he'll have a string of women after you. in and out those poor kids lives.

Topsyturvy33 · 11/10/2023 08:02

This would give me the ick. Does not sound like a nice person rather someone that is out for all he can get!

My advice would be to pull back. Be unavailable for the weekend. Make more plans for when he has his children and do not babysit.

Look back critically at your ‘relationship’ from what you’ve posted it seems very own sided and centred around what he wants to do. Bring it back to an even keel and see how he responds.

Or save yourself the hassle and end things now

Booklover40 · 11/10/2023 08:03

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

well he just sounds quite shit all round really OP.

Youre obviously having second thoughts - listen to your gut. At least you haven't wasted too much time on this loser.

rainbowstardrops · 11/10/2023 08:04

After your first post, I was ready to say back off a bit because it's a bit full on but after your updates I've changed my mind!

He is literally using you @Marnie1818!
Of course he's desperate to see you at the weekend because he wants childcare and a shag!

Tell him you've already made plans and see how he reacts when you say you really don't want to break the plans this time because it's your child free weekend and you haven't seen/done xyz for ages. I'd love to see his face drop when the penny drops that he's got to sort his own childcare out!

Sidge · 11/10/2023 08:04

Mate, wake up and smell the cappuccino.

He’s a cheating, using, selfish twat. You just facilitate his life. You could be any woman, any mug that looks after his kids so he doesn’t have to.

Run like the bloody wind.

1month · 11/10/2023 08:07

It’s my kid free weekend!

So neither of you have your kids 100% of the time, yet you still introduced them really early and you spend loads of time with them and babysit??

Starseeking · 11/10/2023 08:08

You sound a bit desperate asking him this question. Your BF sounds like he had a woman-shaped hole in his life, and you were too eager to fill it.

He doesn't love or value you, he just doesn't want to say it. I would move on if I were you.

Emotionalsupportviper · 11/10/2023 08:10

You are being used - for sex and for childcare.

What you decide to do with this revelation is up to you, but personally I'd end it.

It isn't fair on you and it certainly isn't fair on your children (or on his, for that matter).

Universalsnail · 11/10/2023 08:11

This would give me the ick. It was a manipulative answer designed to keep you stringing along and to be honest if you don't feel in love with someone after seeing each other since February and dating since May I'm not sure what the point is of the relationship. That's some rediculous slow burn I really couldn't be bothered with.

YoghurtCoatedMeerkats · 11/10/2023 08:11

He has his DC 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay child maintenance. He can't actually do 50/50% so he needs a childminder - cue you, the live in nanny.

Honestly OP he's done you a massive favour by being honest, if he had replied "yes I love you", you'd happily carry on being used as head housekeeper and nanny wouldn't you? Always go with actions, not the words. Perhaps do the Freedom Programme and focus a bit more on your own kids. Just because they're a bit older doesn't mean they don't need parenting.

Yourralphisonfiree · 11/10/2023 08:12

In some situations I wouldn’t think it was so bad, however, I question why he would introduce his kids to you and be spending five days a week with you if he doesn’t love you? This is irresponsible of him.

The fact he’d do this suggests an ‘anyone will do’ mentality.

Daisyblue77 · 11/10/2023 08:15

Hes using you. You are giving much more than him. If he had the children 50% of the time but you are looking after them on your own some of that time then hes not having them 50% of the time. Do you have to take your children with you when you babysit at his house? How do they feel about that. Not asking about you or your children shows he is self absorbed, hes using you as an unpaid babysitter and housekeeper,

Original poster
Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 08:18

No our children haven’t met and he hasn’t stayed at my house. My kids said they are not ready and I listen to them
he takes his oldest to football on a Sunday morning and the daughter hates to go which is why he asked me to have her
I don’t mind someone taking time to fall in love with me, they have all the time they want and need my problem is his kids being so close to me when this isn’t how he feels - I don’t agree with it.

OP posts:
LogicVoid · 11/10/2023 08:19

Saying 'no' to something you aren't happy about can be a good objective test of a relationship when you are having doubts. Try it. Observe the reaction and outcome.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/10/2023 08:20

Say no I’m busy when he keeps asking you to be his free childcare. He’s taking you for a mug

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/10/2023 08:21

And run 🚩

PottedPlantsObsess · 11/10/2023 08:21

Why would he introduce you to his kids so soon after getting divorced???

  1. he knows that your absolutely the one and there is zero risk of his children being messed up and hurt by a second relationship ending.
  2. he can’t cope with being a single dad and needs you to step into his ex-wife’s shoes.

I think you already know which is the likely reality here.

BardRelic · 11/10/2023 08:22

Dating since February he should know if he loves you. Genuine love doesn’t take 9 months to figure out. You know pretty quickly once you make things romantic with someone.

In your teens/ 20s maybe. By the time you're in your 40s you've usually figured out that 9 months isn't a long time. If you've been burned a few times before, you'll have learned to hold back and wait to let genuine, deeper feelings develop. Nine months is quite flash in the pan. It takes much longer than that to get to know someone, and how can you love someone you don't really know?

And I think part of the OP's problem is that she seems to regard this situation as some sort of switch. Date until you've decided you love someone, then declare it's a relationship and you're in love. Do 'in love' things like looking after the children. I'd say his response is in some ways reasonable. If directly asked after a few months with my now DP if I was in love, I'd have thought 'no, but I'm getting there'. I wouldn't have said it, but I'd have thought it. However, it also sounds like the OP's DP is just using her for childcare and to smooth his divorce. It's all very one way.

Gypsum5 · 11/10/2023 08:27

He could’ve lied, but he told you the truth. Tell him you can’t have his kids, see what happens.

lettingtheforumdown · 11/10/2023 08:27

You are 40 and seriously referring to someone as your "boyf"?

And you're asking him if he loves you?

This is all very teenage.

If you're genuinely 40 and have had relationships before (which you clearly have, as you have children), you should know that romantic "love" isn't a thing. How would you even define loving someone? Loving your children is very clear cut - parents viscerally love their children and would die for them. Love between two unrelated adults is a very different thing, not least as a partner can always be replaced (unlike a child).

If you don't agree with the way he is using you for childcare, then either tell him this and see where it takes you, or end the relationship.

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