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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces teenage coffee habit is costing ME money!

313 replies

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:41

AIBU... we live with my MIL and whenever my SIL and her husband come to visit, they bring their nightmare of a 13 year old daughter. My SIL and BIL are TIGHT, but stinking RICH. BUT, when they come to ours the daughter always wants to go Starbucks, Costa, fancy coffee shops etc etccc. And the parents sit there while she asks me if we can go.

Sometimes I've said yes (if i want a coffee too) but when I try to make an excuse she doesnt stop. She is never told no. But the thing that IRKS me is when i do agree to take her they never offer to give me money to pay for her coffee habit. Not being funny but in a cost of living crisis, im not happy to pay £5 for her snapchat coffee.

On the flip side, whenever it his her birthday my BIL always puts on a huge birthday, everything paid for (he is generous when it comes to pleasing her and showing off), but AIBU to not want to pay for her coffee habit? I don't mind to take her in the car to Starbucks (obv she doesnt drive) but a little gratitude would be nice! And also the fact that they can defintely afford it, while me and DH are not in the best place financially. We do not have kids yet either.

How do I say no or ask them to give me the money to take THEIR daughter without sounding like a Scrooge or complete B*tch.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 10/10/2023 14:31

You could say that like every good coffee shop has it's loyalty rewards, you are expecting the 6th cup of coffee bought to be paid for by her for you!

She has to treat you every now and again.

SamPoodle123 · 10/10/2023 14:32

Newmama67 · 10/10/2023 14:02

But this one only works for one visit.

Show quote history

Lol, true. But perhaps eventually they would get the hint when making excuses.

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 14:32

Ugh, this is really bratty.

Just keep saying, "No. I don't want to go to Starbucks."

And repeat.

Or if you do actually fancy going to Starbucks, say, "OK, we'll go for coffee, but I'm not paying for it. Do you have money to pay for your own coffee? If not, go and ask your dad for some cash and if he gives you some, we'll go."

Then when you get there, let her order her own and pay for it.

You need to be prepared for the eventuality that you find yourself in a coffee shop with her wanting to order coffee and not having the means to pay for it. In which case you say, "Why did you make me bring you to Starbucks if you don't have any money to pay for your coffee? I made it very clear that I wasn't willing to pay for it."

And then you go home, sans coffee.

piccola15 · 10/10/2023 14:33

You are not being unreasonable. I have kids of 11 and 8 and I have never heard them ask my siblings & their partners to get them things. They do like to play with them a lot which I think probably does get annoying! So I am very conscious of that and step in when I sense my siblings need some time alone! If they did ask for a treat like that then I would give my siblings the money to take them. They may say no but I would definitely offer, especially as one of them doesn't have much spare cash. So yeah all round, I think the other family are taking advantage or just being thoughtless x

ThinWomansBrain · 10/10/2023 14:35

well if its starbucks or costa, it's hardly about the quality of the coffee.
Make her one at home.
Incredibly rude and entitled, visiting someone at their home and demanding to be taken out - she may as well stay at home with her parents and tell them to take her.

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 14:36

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:59

I wouldnt mind if she wasnt such a brat; she doesnt stop until she gets what she wants and throws a tantrum. This is why im probably resisting so much. I might add it isnt solely fixed to coffee; if she hears me and DH have gone for dinner the next time she comes round she will say can we go to that restaurant? or she asked me to buy her Chanel make up for Christmas after she saw mine!

Show quote history

If she throws a tantrum I would call her out on it.

"DNiece, why would I take you out for coffee when you are having a tantrum like a small child? Coffee is a treat, it's quite expensive, and you expect me to pay for it. I wouldn't mind so much if I enjoyed your company, but nobody enjoys the company of someone who stamps her foot and shouts until she gets her own way. We're not going."

I'd also call her parents out on it.

"DBIL and DSIL, are you really going to sit there and let your daughter speak to me like this? Are you not embarrassed by this behaviour?"

LookItsMeAgain · 10/10/2023 14:38

In relation to this comment you made @crossroads1 :
"I wouldnt mind if she wasnt such a brat; she doesnt stop until she gets what she wants and throws a tantrum."

So if she throws a tantrum, you say "Oh my! I never pegged you for a toddler there X" and stand there looking shocked but don't give in. Or you could say "Looks like someone here has never heard the word 'No' before. Goodness gracious!" again with a shocked look on your face. Or something like that.

Cherrysoup · 10/10/2023 14:38

Tell her to get her parents to take her on the way home. Why on earth are you paying?

cartagenagina · 10/10/2023 14:39

I’m struggling to understand how you can’t deal with this. Are you quite a downtrodden person in general?

You don’t like DN, so surely you can arrange to not be at home for at least half her visits to her grandmother? Then if you are there and she says let’s go for coffee, just say “no thanks DN, I don’t feel like going/am cutting back on coffee/just had one/have to go and make a long phone call/whatever “

If she moans, just shrug and say ask your parents, and walk off. She’s not your responsibility.

Grimchmas · 10/10/2023 14:39

Here are some options for being more assertive:

Straightforward: No.

Deflect: "Not today. Get your dad to take you," or "they're expensive, so only if you're paying!" (If you don't mind taking her and it's mainly the money that is the issue). "We went last week, I'll take you again next month but I'm not doing it more often."

Give a reason that it's not easy to argue about: "No I don't want to drive anywhere today." "No I don't have money for that today."

Softner: "No but we've got coffee and caramel syrup in the kitchen if you want one here."

Broken record: "No." (Repeat each time she asks. If necessarily add: "because I don't want to. " before going back to: "No." Be as dull and repetitive as it takes, ignore any scowls, strops, begging, pleading or looks.

End the conversation: "No and stop asking now." Paddington stare and allow awkward silence/ just stare at her while she kicks off or strops with no visible change in emotion from you.

Ignore: "No and stop asking now." Physically turn away from her and immediately start a conversation with somebody else. Speak softly. If she talks over you, carry on as if she isn't. If she calls out to you, asks a question, anything, ignore and pretend she's not even there.

Change the subject: "I've said no not today. Now, tell me about that thing you did recently [insert topic here]..."

Leave the room: "No, I'm not buying you coffee today/Chanel make up for Christmas/ the moon on a stick." Leave the room and ignore any follow up from her, and either go out of the property entirely, or go for a long bath or even just for a long sit in the loo whilst reading mumsnet.

crumpet · 10/10/2023 14:43

“I don’t want one, but I don’t mind giving you a lift to get yours. Have you got you pocket money with you? No? Oh, well maybe we’ll go next time when you do have it”

millymog11 · 10/10/2023 14:43

The more of this thread I read, if I have understood it correctly that the neice is on OP's husbands side of the family, I really think that OP's husband needs to take control of the situation in one way or another.

I am not convinced that OP is a doormat.
It is just as likely that compared with the other adults in the room OP is far younger and therefore there is disrespect/emotional bribery/pressure towards OP from several places and not just from the neice.

crumpet · 10/10/2023 14:43

And message her parents to say from now on you’re happy to take her but she needs to have money to buy her own so should come prepared

oksothisisusnow · 10/10/2023 14:44

I'll tell you to tell your niece what I tell my teenager. "£10 for two coffees! Not today, unless you're paying!"
The requests have slowed down...but she does also offer to pay sometimes (win win for everyone except starbucks really!)

EachandEveryone · 10/10/2023 14:44

Im more curious to know what is happening to grannys house when she pops her clogs, if you have paid her mortgage and looked after her all this time! That fall out will be spectacular I imagine.

ThisIsCharlotteYorkGoldenblatt · 10/10/2023 14:45

@crossroads1 listen darling , I would love to take you out for coffee but I cannot afford it right now .
Problem solved.

1month · 10/10/2023 14:45

Your DH needs to talk to his sibling and explain that you love taking her out but you just can’t afford it but you don’t know how to say it without upsetting her.

So either they give her money when she asks you to take her out or they step in when she asks and you say no and she keeps on.

Luckydog7 · 10/10/2023 14:45

@Est1990

THANK YOU! I've been reading through the thread in disbelief that no one has mentioned this! Coffee is a stimulant and isn't particularly good for adults let alone a 13 year old. It mucks up my sleep for days! Its too late to tell her you think she is too young for it so I guess that isn't an option.

M4J4 · 10/10/2023 14:46

5128gap · 10/10/2023 13:44

You need to try to be a little more authentic OP. You are clearly presenting in one way to this child (nice, fun, generous auntie) while inwardly disliking, resenting her and calling her names.
Thats actually no fairer on her than on you. It's two faced and hypocritical.
There is no rational reason for you being obliged to take this girl anywhere. She has parents, grandparents and your husband who come higher in the hierarchy of obligation towards her than you, so why not just back away and let them get on with it?
She asks you to take her out? You say, "Not today niece, perhaps dad/uncle/grandad will take you"

Oh give over. I have teenage nieces. I love them to bits but they have no concept of earning money and would expect me to take them out every week for meals out and coffess and Creams dessert if they had their own way.

Stop talking of what you don't understand.

Scirocco · 10/10/2023 14:46

You say "No". If she pushes, you clearly state to her and her parents that £5+ coffee shop drinks are not something you can justify in your budget. It's not a negotiation, you just say it's not happening with your money.

If her parents want to fund it, they can.

WitcheryDivine · 10/10/2023 14:47

I hate to say it but you need to learn to say no before you have your own kids.

If it were my niece I'd probably take her with me next time, and over our drinks I'd say something like "it's a shame but I won't be able to go out for expensive coffees like this as much from now on, money is really tight. What could we do instead next time you come round?" If she says "urgh nothing I just want to go for coffee" you can suggest that you take turns in paying - but you're happy to drive.

That can then mellow in her and next time she asks you remind her that unfortunately you can't afford it at the moment, like you said. Unless it's her round this time?

I am constantly saying no to my niece and she LOVES me, it's weird.

LlynTegid · 10/10/2023 14:48

I refuse to go to Starbucks because of their tax avoidance. Which would be the reason I would use in the OPs shoes.

Grimchmas · 10/10/2023 14:50

Grimchmas · 10/10/2023 14:39

Here are some options for being more assertive:

Straightforward: No.

Deflect: "Not today. Get your dad to take you," or "they're expensive, so only if you're paying!" (If you don't mind taking her and it's mainly the money that is the issue). "We went last week, I'll take you again next month but I'm not doing it more often."

Give a reason that it's not easy to argue about: "No I don't want to drive anywhere today." "No I don't have money for that today."

Softner: "No but we've got coffee and caramel syrup in the kitchen if you want one here."

Broken record: "No." (Repeat each time she asks. If necessarily add: "because I don't want to. " before going back to: "No." Be as dull and repetitive as it takes, ignore any scowls, strops, begging, pleading or looks.

End the conversation: "No and stop asking now." Paddington stare and allow awkward silence/ just stare at her while she kicks off or strops with no visible change in emotion from you.

Ignore: "No and stop asking now." Physically turn away from her and immediately start a conversation with somebody else. Speak softly. If she talks over you, carry on as if she isn't. If she calls out to you, asks a question, anything, ignore and pretend she's not even there.

Change the subject: "I've said no not today. Now, tell me about that thing you did recently [insert topic here]..."

Leave the room: "No, I'm not buying you coffee today/Chanel make up for Christmas/ the moon on a stick." Leave the room and ignore any follow up from her, and either go out of the property entirely, or go for a long bath or even just for a long sit in the loo whilst reading mumsnet.

Edited

Worked through for Chanel make up:

Straightforward: No.

Deflect: "I'm not buying you Chanel make up. Get your dad to buy it for your for Christmas." or "I'm happy to buy you make up if you want it for your Xmas present but I'm not buying you Chanel level of make up. "

Give a reason that it's not easy to argue about: "No I'm not buying you Chanel. I don’t even buy it for myself usually, this was bought for the most special occasion of my life, my wedding day. If I don't buy it for myself I'm certainly not buying it for anybody else!"

Softner: "No I'm not buying you Chanel but I can give you a gift voucher to go towards some make up for your Christmas present if that's what you'd like."

Broken record: "No." (Repeat each time she asks. If necessarily add: "because I don't want to buy anybody Chanel make up." before going back to: "No." Be as dull and repetitive as it takes, ignore any scowls, strops, begging, pleading or looks.

End the conversation: "No and stop asking now." Paddington stare and allow awkward silence/ just stare at her while she kicks off or strops with no visible change in emotion from you.

Ignore: "No and stop asking now." Physically turn away from her and immediately start a conversation with somebody else. Speak softly. If she talks over you, carry on as if she isn't. If she calls out to you, asks a question, anything, ignore and pretend she's not even there.

Change the subject: "I've said no. Now, tell me about that thing you did recently [insert topic here]..."

Leave the room: "No, I'm not buying you Chanel make up." Leave the room.

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 14:54

Grimchmas · 10/10/2023 14:50

Worked through for Chanel make up:

Straightforward: No.

Deflect: "I'm not buying you Chanel make up. Get your dad to buy it for your for Christmas." or "I'm happy to buy you make up if you want it for your Xmas present but I'm not buying you Chanel level of make up. "

Give a reason that it's not easy to argue about: "No I'm not buying you Chanel. I don’t even buy it for myself usually, this was bought for the most special occasion of my life, my wedding day. If I don't buy it for myself I'm certainly not buying it for anybody else!"

Softner: "No I'm not buying you Chanel but I can give you a gift voucher to go towards some make up for your Christmas present if that's what you'd like."

Broken record: "No." (Repeat each time she asks. If necessarily add: "because I don't want to buy anybody Chanel make up." before going back to: "No." Be as dull and repetitive as it takes, ignore any scowls, strops, begging, pleading or looks.

End the conversation: "No and stop asking now." Paddington stare and allow awkward silence/ just stare at her while she kicks off or strops with no visible change in emotion from you.

Ignore: "No and stop asking now." Physically turn away from her and immediately start a conversation with somebody else. Speak softly. If she talks over you, carry on as if she isn't. If she calls out to you, asks a question, anything, ignore and pretend she's not even there.

Change the subject: "I've said no. Now, tell me about that thing you did recently [insert topic here]..."

Leave the room: "No, I'm not buying you Chanel make up." Leave the room.

Show quote history

Simpler solution.

Ignore, ignore, ignore, nod and smile.

Christmas Day/birthday rolls around.

"Here is some money which you can put towards Chanel makeup, or add to your Starbucks kitty if you prefer. Happy shopping!"

fearfuloffluff · 10/10/2023 14:55

There's something really depressing about driving somewhere just for a coffee from a multinational chain.

Anyway. Just say no to anything she asks for that you think is unreasonable.