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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...about my mum leaving my daughter in a creche?

159 replies

keyhole · 07/03/2008 10:51

My mum looks after my 3 yo dd once a week whilst I work (my eldest is now in school). To be brief,my mum recently married a man 10 years younger and is on a quest to be 25 again - hence obsessive gym attendance. The other day she took my youngest to go to a session and left her in the creche. She had previously mentioned she might do it and I had said I wasn't keen.

So when I returned from work on Tuesday to find she had left dd at the creche I was fuming(inwardly). Spoke to dd about it afterwards and she said she 'cried when nanny left her with the ladies, that's cos she wanted nanny'.

So am I being unreasonable to think that my mum should devote her child care time to my dd and put my foot down or leave her to pursue her quest to be 30 years younger? Inicdentally she refuses to see/have children on weekends due to her devotion to her husband who is not keen on children .. or me really! Am on dodgy ground as have temperamental relationship with mum as it is.

Would appreciate any thoughts - am i being unreasonble?

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 07/03/2008 10:54

would you object less if she was doing a course on the history of art and leaving her in a creche at the college?

or are you just pissed off with her lifestyle and looking for an apple-cheeked old granny

YABU I think

alicet · 07/03/2008 10:54

YANBU as you had expressly said to your mum you did not want her to do this and she did it despite this.

However YABU to expect she will not do this again as she has told you that is what she wants to do. And presumably you are not paying her for childcare. So if you are unhappy about it I think you will need to make alternative arrangements for your dd

Wisteria · 07/03/2008 10:54

Did you explain your reasons for not liking the creche idea to your Mum when you said you weren't keen?
I can't really see the problem in creche usage and presumably your Mum is doing you a favour by taking care of your dd whilst you work.

I think you may be a little unreasonable to be honest but not if you have very good reasons for not wanting the creche used and explained them in advance to your Mum.

I think you are very lucky to have a mum who will take care of your daughter, leaving you to work - presumably it saves you quite a lot in childcare fees.

Chequers · 07/03/2008 10:54

Message withdrawn

alicet · 07/03/2008 10:55

Why do you not want her to do this by the way? Have to say I wouldn't have a problem with her doing this at all.

soapbox · 07/03/2008 10:55

DO you pay your mother to look after DD?

If so that makes a difference I think.

If she's doing it as a favour to you, then I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I think the words 'devote her child care time' speak volumes. Your mother is the grandmother - she doesn't have any obligation to 'devote childcare time' she does it to help you out.

WallOfSilence · 07/03/2008 10:56

Get a childminder & let your mum enjoy herself.

Her days of child rearing are over, surely?

although I do appreciate that you told her you'd rather she didn't leave dd in a creche.

alarkaspree · 07/03/2008 10:57

I don't think your mum should leave your daughter with other people if you have said you're not happy about it.

But you sound a bit ungrateful. Your mum is doing you a favour looking after your daughter. So I think you should either make alternative arrangements for childcare, or accept your dd spending an hour in the creche at the gym once in a while.

Unless you are paying her, in which case she has to do it your way.

Original poster
keyhole · 07/03/2008 11:00

I just feel that she has very limited time with her grand children as it is and feel disappointed she doesn't want to take advantage of that. She NEVER sees them during weekends and has told me she doesn't want to see us as her husband needs quiet time and doesn't want the children in the house.

I also don't feel comfortable with her being left in a setting I haven't seen.

OP posts:
Chequers · 07/03/2008 11:01

Message withdrawn

PortAndLemon · 07/03/2008 11:02

Did you say you "weren't keen", or did you say specifically that you didn't want your DD left in the creche?

Wisteria · 07/03/2008 11:03

In that case sorry but I do think YABU.

You trust your Mum to care for your child in your absence so should also trust her to make decent judgements about what she does with her. You feel she has limited time with her grandchildren but maybe that's all she wants?

There's no rule that as soon as our children have offspring then we should devote our time to their care and upbringing - good on your Mum that she's keeping fit and healthy. She probably devoted the last however many years to caring for you, so now it is her time, for her. great that she helps you out with childcare but she has no obligation to do this.

Original poster
keyhole · 07/03/2008 11:05

I said I would rather she wasn't. I have a very tricky relationship with my mum. Used to be a very close knit family before she left my dad and I really miss the relationship we used to have.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 07/03/2008 11:07

It's hard to come to terms with that I think but maybe talking to her about your feelings would be the best way forward.

She may feel that now you are happy and settled in your own life she can have a bit of freedom and isn't aware that you are feeling this way.

She may well have been unhappy with your Dad for years and stayed with him for your sake so now feels that she needs some time to herself.

WallOfSilence · 07/03/2008 11:07

I don't blame her for not wanting to see you at weekends, especially as she has recently remarried & is trying to get used to a different style of life.

Perhaps the weekend is when she has a lie in with her new husband, then they relax on a Saturday (as she has been minding your little on during the week) & make long lazy love on Saturday afternoon & Sunday mornings (eeeeeekkkkkk.... but why the hell not!!)

I don't think you're that annoyed about the creche thing... it's your mum having a new man & a new hunger for life, isn't it?

WigWamBam · 07/03/2008 11:10

If you're paying her, you have the right to dictate how she spends her time.

If you're using her as free childcare, you don't.

Am gobsmacked that you think that her having your daughter all day once a week isn't enough ... although I suspect this is more about you not liking your mum's new life than it is about anything else.

JingleyJen · 07/03/2008 11:10

I dont think you are being unreasonable.. this is one day in the week not 5 days a week, she could go to the gym at another time.

Sh disregarded your wishes.. I would not be happy.

Cam · 07/03/2008 11:12

My mother used to look after my dd1 on a fairly regular basis, not so much once a week but for a week or a couple of weeks relatively often.

It wouldn't have occurred to me not to trust her judgment about what she did. For example she would take her with her to church on Sundays and put her in the Sunday school creche.

If she is looking after your dd it really does have be on her terms, otherwise you should find alternative childcare.

PatsyCline · 07/03/2008 11:13

Does your mum have your DD all day or just for a couple of hours? If if it is all day then I'm sorry but I think you are being a little unreasonable as lots of mums do what she is doing (including myself). However, if she only has your DD for a couple of hours and leaves her for a large portion of that time then I could see why that might upset you.

Could you visit the creche to put your mind at rest? My DD goes to a gym-based creche twice a week and I have been very impressed by the level of care she receives. She loves going there. By contrast, the one I used for my older daughter when we lived in the big city was more like a holding pen!

Patsy

Lazylou · 07/03/2008 11:13

Sorry, but as much as I agree with the comments that your mum is not under any obligation to provide childcare for you, and that her lifestyle choices are none of your business, I do not think you are being unreasonable about this.

Your mum has agreed to take care of your child so you can work, which I'm not sure is something a lot of grandparents would do (although there are lots that do). You have previously expressed that you would be unhappy with your DD being left in a creche whilst she attends the gym. If your mum has a problem with looking after her because it gets in the way of her doing the things she wants, then it is really up to her to say so and to allow you to find alternative childcare.

I don't think it is on for her to make the decision to put your DD in a creche, regardless of how long it is for or for what reason without firstly discussing it with you properly. It's out of order for her to announce after the event that that is what she has done especially when you have already said you are not keen on the idea. I would take a very dim view of somebody who made those kinds of decisions about my DD with little regard for my thoughts, feelings or opinions on the matter. She needs to realise that you are the child's mother, irrespective of what favours she is doing for you in terms of childcare. If she doesn't like the arrangement, she should say so.

As for the time that your mum spends with your children, that ultimately is a decision that she must make. As someone else pointed out, some families don't have the 'luxury' of seeing family members regularly.

beaniesteve · 07/03/2008 11:14

Do you pay your mum?

kslatts · 07/03/2008 11:16

I think YABU a bit, if your mum is looking after your dd you should trust her to make decisions.

Could you arrange to spend some time with your mum during the week, maybe meet up for lunch once a week.

Original poster
keyhole · 07/03/2008 11:18

No I don't pay my mum. I am grateful that she looks after her - which is why I haven't made an issue of this and was asking mnetters what they thought. I realise I sound childish about all this ... but my mum has sent me to hell and back these last few years - don't want to go into it now as that is not the issue.

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 07/03/2008 11:20

Hmmmm.... maybe you have a lot of resentment towards your mum and the choices she has made? So this is effecting how you deal with the little things that annoy you?

Do you object to Creches per se, or is it the fact that you told your mum you would rather she didn't put her in the creche and she ignored you

Wisteria · 07/03/2008 11:20

Maybe that is the issue though keyhole? If you had a great relationship with your Mum would you be more understanding about the creche thing?