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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...about my mum leaving my daughter in a creche?

159 replies

keyhole · 07/03/2008 10:51

My mum looks after my 3 yo dd once a week whilst I work (my eldest is now in school). To be brief,my mum recently married a man 10 years younger and is on a quest to be 25 again - hence obsessive gym attendance. The other day she took my youngest to go to a session and left her in the creche. She had previously mentioned she might do it and I had said I wasn't keen.

So when I returned from work on Tuesday to find she had left dd at the creche I was fuming(inwardly). Spoke to dd about it afterwards and she said she 'cried when nanny left her with the ladies, that's cos she wanted nanny'.

So am I being unreasonable to think that my mum should devote her child care time to my dd and put my foot down or leave her to pursue her quest to be 30 years younger? Inicdentally she refuses to see/have children on weekends due to her devotion to her husband who is not keen on children .. or me really! Am on dodgy ground as have temperamental relationship with mum as it is.

Would appreciate any thoughts - am i being unreasonble?

OP posts:
alfiesbabe · 08/03/2008 20:13

Good post beanie. There does seem to be a feeling from some posts that somehow the OP's mother owes it to her daughter to live life in a certain way. I hope my children accept me as I am when I'm 60, 70 or whatever. And much as I'd like to be a caring and supportive granny, I don't particularly want to be an unpaid childcarer!

DarthVader · 08/03/2008 20:22

I think that if you trust your mum to look after your child, then although it can be hard on you not being in complete control, you have to let her make decisions like this. If you need to control how she spends her day then you should find paid childcare...but tbh that would probably give you even less control.

I think this is about the emotions that are coming up about feeling that your mum doesn't prioritise spending time with you or your child as much as you would like. This is clearly hurtful as an idea, but it would be better for you to accept the current reality than to constantly rail against it. It is taking up a lot of your emotional energy by the sounds of it.

Taking care of your grandchild, unpaid, for a day a week, even if you take a 1 hour break using a creche (looking after kids is TIRING for an old person) is far more than most grandparents do for their grandchildren. A lot of people would think you are fortunate. I think you need to stop wishing for what will never happen with your mum and spend more time with the other people who matter with you. And try to appreciate what you mum actually does do for you.

DoodleToYou · 08/03/2008 20:28

Message withdrawn

DarthVader · 08/03/2008 20:29

But this is the choice of the OP's mother, even if we think it is a poor choice

Ineedacleaner · 08/03/2008 20:30

s'ok Keyhole I am not confrontational in an aggresive way I just have a big mouth and cannot keep it shut, I am nice really. I just didn't want you to think I was being judgy or anything just trying to see all angles.

DoodleToYou · 08/03/2008 20:32

Message withdrawn

beaniesteve · 08/03/2008 20:35

Sorry Doodle, I probably need to read back because I hadn't seen the stuff about the new Husband.

So long as the OP is not just assuming it's all the husband's doing just because she disapproves of the relationship?

I know I am lucky because my mum has got together with a man we have known all our lives and I've not had to face having real issues with my mum's partne. On teh other hand my dad was with someone who was only a year older than me (Before he died) and it was a strange situation to get my head round. I managed it though, because I realised that my dad was free to fall in love with whoever he wanted and she was actually very good for him.

I just think as kids we should try not to be disapproving of our parents choices, unless of course those choices are in some way damaging to the people we love.

alfiesbabe · 08/03/2008 20:38

Doodle, the woman is an ADULT. Maybe she's not behaving how her daughter wants her to, maybe she's even being a bit stupid, but for heavens sake, she's a grown up! It's so patronising to assume that she isnt making her own decisions.

DarthVader · 08/03/2008 20:41

doodle, the OP's mum is agreeing to go along with her new dh and this is her decision and her choice - that's what I meant.

DoodleToYou · 08/03/2008 20:49

Message withdrawn

onebatmother · 08/03/2008 20:54

well nearly said doodle!

DoodleToYou · 08/03/2008 20:56

Message withdrawn

Upsidedowncake · 08/03/2008 20:57

Keyhole, just a thought and possibly irrelevant , and possibly upsetting. Sorry.

I wonder how happy your mum actually is, and whether she has had to make a point with her DH to spend time with her grandchildren. He sounds potentially rather controlling.

Ignoring your views like that to go to the gym sounds like she has a desperate need to go to the gym to me. Why?

Aitch · 08/03/2008 21:08

i think that if the OP said she wasn't keen then the mum should have been totally up-front about the fact she was going to ignore her wishes and go to the gym.
as she's completely entitled to do, it's her life. but it's sneaky to listen to someone say 'hhhm, i'd rather you didn't' and then just bugger off and do it.
better she'd said 'sorry dear i can't look after your dd unless i get to put her in the creche, you'll have to make your mind up about that'. the fact that she didn't rings alarm bells for me, that she's not taking her own dd seriously.
(although if my mum said that she was going to drop dd off in a creche i personally wouldn't have an issue with it as yes, i'd assume that she'd have scoped the place and would be happy with it.)

bohemianbint · 09/03/2008 06:48

"YABU to dictate how your free childcare is used"

Really? So because someone does you a favour they can do whatever they like and you can't have a problem with it?

tatt · 09/03/2008 07:24

keyhole children often cry when left in new places but it rarely lasts more than a minute or two. If it does then you need to think about training your child to meet new people so she'll be Ok when she goes to school.

I started using a gym a few months Ok and you can get hooked on exercise and really miss it. Your mum needs to keep fit if she is going to cope with a lively child all day and she probably needs a break. She was wrong to take your child when you'd said you weren't happy with it but YABU in being unhappy about your mum getting a break from a days childcare. If you want her to spend more time with you - and one day a week sound pretty generous - make it in smaller sessions so your mum isn't tired.

You obviously do have other issues with your mum. I can see that this would be very hard but you are both adults and you need to form a different relationship. Do you invite your mum + husband over for a meal or do you just want to see her and not him? Your mother has chosen this man and you have to try and get on with him. You don't have the right to sulk because your mother choses to live with someone you resent.

Meandmyjoe · 09/03/2008 07:34

Whether it's resentment or not- I would be fuming if someone did this with my ds (however, he's only 7 months old!). Either way though- you specifically said you weren't keen on the idea and I'm sorry if people don't agree but you are her mother and what you say should be respected. You have every reason to be disappointed and angry in my opinion.

Even if your mum looks after her without getting paid, the fact is that she is her grandmother and if she doesn't want to take care of her then she should have told you she had plans that day so YOU could have made other arrangements. At the end of the day your child is the most precious thing in the world to you and I would be heartbroken if one of my family members put my son in a creche which I or dh hadn't even seen. I would want to meet the people who were going to be caring for him and see the facillities. I'm sure the creche was fine and the workers treated her wel but the fact remains that it should be your decision!

Sorry to rant and it seems that most of you disagree with me but I would be upset! It's almost like she completely disregarded your feelings and took her there anyway. However, it's probably not worth arguing with her over it. She obviously thought she was doing the right thing and what's done is done but I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I'd be livid!

foofi · 09/03/2008 07:41

Haven't read the whole thread, but I think you're lucky to have a mother who is prepared to help you out with childcare, and short spells in a creche situation aren't going to harm the child in any way (will actually be good for them). It's not as though your mother left you dd on a park bench or anything.

LIZS · 09/03/2008 07:49

Agree foofi and it isn't as if it were say some random shopping centre creche and she went off to shop and sip coffee.

NumberSix · 09/03/2008 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

agnesnitt · 09/03/2008 08:56

Can I ask why people are so concerned about payment? Whether re-numeration happens or not, the crux of the matter is that the mother of a child had her wishes disregarded. That is unacceptable from anybody, even if they are doing a favour.

Agnes

LIZS · 09/03/2008 09:03

If you are paying then you normally have a contract so arrangements are more formally agreed and you can expect childcare to be the priority . Where a relative is involved the lines are more blurred and it is often harder to discuss. When someone is doing a favour it is their time to spend as they choose , that may be 1 to 1 childcare but they may not see it like that and want/need incorporate other things into the day.

agnesnitt · 09/03/2008 09:33

Favour or otherwise, a line should not be crossed. I don't get this 'blurry' theory. Be it child-minder, grandmother or best friend, if a mother or father says no, it means no. There is no argument that a caregiver could use to explain away such arrogance other than "well you know, I couldn't give a toss about your wishes if I tried, so I did it my way". It's utterly unacceptable.

Agnes

squilly · 09/03/2008 10:40

There's no concern about payment agnesnitt, but it's like anything...if you ask a mate to do you a favour and she doesn't do it quite the way you'd hope, you have no come back. If you pay someone to do something for you, you have more of a right to impose sanctions, dictate rules, etc.

In the case of childcare, you talk as if the grandmother in this case has no rights. Like someone said earlier, the child wasn't left on a bench or neglected. And we don't know whether the gm understood the request from the op.

In this case, I say that the op has choices. She trusts her mum to take her child and care for her, or she doesn't. If mum explains to GM that she really wasn't happy about the creche situation, it may be the gm didn't realise how serious she was. Parent/child relationships are full of assumptions and misunderstandings.

Personally, I might be unhappy at daughter being left in a creche, but I'd make sure my mum was made aware of this and I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

From the numerous posts from the OP it sounds like the relationship between these two adults isn't great. In my shoes, faced with a lack of trust in mum, I wouldn't trust her with my 3 year old...full stop.

As the OP she has, she has to live with the fact that her mum is an adult...she's not the childs parent, but whilst she's caring for the child, she has the right to do whatever she wants, as long as the child is safe.

End of....

alfiesbabe · 09/03/2008 10:45

Exactly LIZS. This is clearly not a formalised childcare arrangement. The OP says that she told her mother she wasnt keen on the creche idea, but that's NOT the same as having a proper agreement with someone where you can reasonably expect your wishes to be met. It's interesting that this type of issue crops up again and again on MN threads - where a grandparent is being used for free childcare and then the parent complains that things arent being done their way. If you choose this type of set up, you need to realise that the boundaries WILL be blurred. You are expecting someone to do you a favour (and free childcare one whole day a week is a MASSIVE favour) and therefore you need to realise that this type of thing may happen. Looking after a 3 year old all day is pretty demanding, particularly for a grandparent.I can completely see why she wanted to use the creche, so that she could fit other things into her day. She may even have thought it was in the child's interests, as I'm not sure being with a grandparent all day is necessarily that stimulating.