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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...about my mum leaving my daughter in a creche?

159 replies

keyhole · 07/03/2008 10:51

My mum looks after my 3 yo dd once a week whilst I work (my eldest is now in school). To be brief,my mum recently married a man 10 years younger and is on a quest to be 25 again - hence obsessive gym attendance. The other day she took my youngest to go to a session and left her in the creche. She had previously mentioned she might do it and I had said I wasn't keen.

So when I returned from work on Tuesday to find she had left dd at the creche I was fuming(inwardly). Spoke to dd about it afterwards and she said she 'cried when nanny left her with the ladies, that's cos she wanted nanny'.

So am I being unreasonable to think that my mum should devote her child care time to my dd and put my foot down or leave her to pursue her quest to be 30 years younger? Inicdentally she refuses to see/have children on weekends due to her devotion to her husband who is not keen on children .. or me really! Am on dodgy ground as have temperamental relationship with mum as it is.

Would appreciate any thoughts - am i being unreasonble?

OP posts:
DoodleToYou · 07/03/2008 23:27

Message withdrawn

Janni · 07/03/2008 23:28

My mum is in her seventies and regularly goes to keep-fit with a slightly younger ex-colleague who gives an enormous amount of support to her adult, woking daughters by looking after their children for them. This grandmother regularly puts the grandchildren in the creche and I was amazed at that because I've never done it, but then I started to think 'good on you'. You're helping your daughters, you're keeping fit, you're teaching your grandchildren that grandma has a life.

tori32 · 07/03/2008 23:32

YANBU because potentially it is the only quality time she spends with your dd. If she saw her lots of other times during the week I would say YABU.

She has also agreed to care for her on those days so should do it, not palm her off in a creche.
However, if you don't like it I would make other arrangements (tell her your plan first and why, so she may realise how unhappy you are with it.).

It clearly upset dd and I would point this out to your mum.

colditz · 07/03/2008 23:36

Keyhole, she has a right to have a life that does not include providing free childcare for someone else. She does not have an obligation to you. Be grateful for the time she does spend with your daughter and arrange some childcare that won't make you feel resentful.

YABU

marmadukescarlet · 07/03/2008 23:49

How long does your mother have her for on that day? Perhaps she needs a break during the day, I know I do and I'm under 40!

Also, as beeper says too many GPs are taken for granted.

My Father died when I was 23, my Mother when I was 28 and DD was 18mths. Be grateful that no matter what stress she has caused you or how she has chosen to live her life, your DD will grow up knowing who her nanna is.

Original poster
keyhole · 08/03/2008 08:40

I have NEVER said that she should not have a life - this has been assumed. But that doesn't mean she forgets her old one. She lives 20 mins away and in 3 years I have been to her house twice - only because I have dropped something off. Have met husband three times and every time I do he is rude and sulky. I am not a spoiled demanding brat- I just want a relationship with my mother. I NEVER see her at weekends, have lunch or any family get togethers - I have 2 other sisters and the situation is the same for them. Which is why the ONLY time she gets with her family, I feel miffed she plonks dd in a creche.
If this is what she wants to do I won't stand in her way - from most of the posts I can see I appear unreasonable. I love my mum very much - I don't want to find alternative child care - not for money reasons but because if I do I will NEVER see her. She is not taken for granted - quite the opposite really!

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 08/03/2008 08:49

YANBU about the creche thing - no-one should be looking after your child without your express permission - your mother has left dd with strangers without your approval - whether or not you pay your mother is irrelevant

if I asked the woman next door to look after ds for the afternoon and she said 'sure', then took him to somewhere he didn't know anyone, that would be completely unacceptable

however, I think YABU about her life choices etc. It's none of your business if she wants to look younger or be fitter or whatever, or any of the other stuff you have commented on

pukkapatch · 08/03/2008 08:51

yabu

DrNortherner · 08/03/2008 08:56

yabu

FrannyandZooey · 08/03/2008 08:57

none of you 'yabu' mind who is looking after your children during the day?

even if the children are scared at being left with people they don't know?

nkf · 08/03/2008 09:03

I remember I hated the idea of gym creches when mine were babies. I take it you are not paying her so it's a bit like your daughter gets to spend a day with her grandmother and therefore fits in with what's happening. Personally, I think you would be better off paying for a day's childcare. Easier all round.

yurt1 · 08/03/2008 09:04

If I trust someone to look after my child then I trust them their decision. I think this is particularly the case when family look after your child for free. You can't have a family member look after the child for free then dictate what they can and can't do.

If I didn't trust their decision then I wouldn't leave them there. I wouldn't be concerned about crying when left as I think that's pretty normal.

It's different if you pay someone to provide a childcare service.

NotDoingTheHousework · 08/03/2008 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

duchesse · 08/03/2008 09:16

YABU
Your mum deserves as much happiness as anyone. She has brought up her own children (and I have not read the entire thread so forgive me if you have explained more about her higher up) but she deserves to be allowed to do things for herself for a bit. If this involves becoming more self-centred than you would like, or trying to be younger again, then surely that is her business. If she wants to go to a gym class on the day she has your daughter, the creche seems the ideal thing to do.

TBH, you sound as though you are suffering from her not being the archetypal apple pie grandmother. Personally I think that type of grandmother is (rightly) exceedingly rare as it reduced women to a caring role all their blardy lives.

If your mother is a modern granny, and is nonetheless still willing to look after your daughter one day a week, then that is brilliant. Many gm do not even do this much. Your daughter will not suffer from 1.5 hours in a gym creche. Be glad that your mother has not told you to find alternative childcare arrangements. Many would.

jenkel · 08/03/2008 09:19

As you dont pay her, I dont think you have much reason to complain, if your really unhappy find alternative childcare, she is doing it as a favour and to a certain extent you have to fit in with her commitments.

Also, my Mum would love to see my dds once a week, not possible as we live a long way away.

Its not really an issue for me as we live a long way away from any relatives, but I always vowed that I would never use grandparents as regular childcare, I could just see lots of problems, occasionally my Mum would come up to babysit to allow us a night out but thats all, if I want regular childcare to enable me to work I would pay somebody, or else I would perhaps consider paying my mum then I would have more control over what they done.

agnesnitt · 08/03/2008 09:22

I agree with F&Z, it's not acceptable for any childcare-giver to put a child in a crèche if the parent has indicated a preference for it not to happen.

The rest of the argument (money/lifestyle/woe is me my parents can't look after mine) is just time-wasting window dressing.

Agnes

pukkapatch · 08/03/2008 09:24

my eldest was left in full time day care, so i wouldnt havet o deal with this sort of situation. my younger two have never been left anywhyere whilst i went to work, as appropriate childcare cost more than i could earn. so i stayed at home because we couldnt afford the luxury for me to work.
if you decide to leave your children with someone, then you have to trust their judgemnet. if you dont do that, then it is obviously the wrong childcare arrangement for you. and the whole thing needs to be rethought. including downgrading your standard of living so that you can afford the childcare that you will be happy with.

Wisteria · 08/03/2008 09:42

Keyhole - your last post has explained a little more about why you are so cross and I understand it completely. Your Mum's dh's attitude is not good at all and I can see why you feel pushed out.

I feel it is that situation and your feelings surrounding it that is the crux of the matter (from what I have understood from your posts). I think a long chat with your Mum about this issue is overdue from the sounds of it - it explains why you feel cross about the gym creche. If you felt happier and more accepted as part of your Mum's new life then maybe you would feel ok about the creche - does that seem possible to you?

I do really feel for you as well, I know how it feels to be surplus to requirements in a parent's new life.

alfiesbabe · 08/03/2008 11:55

Franny - of course I mind about who I leave my children with. That's why when DH and I have both been working, we've paid for good quality nursery care or a CM,where we've known how our children are being looked after and that they're happy.
It just seems really strange to leave your child with someone who you feel resentful about. The OP is clearly very judgemental about her mother's lifestyle, and harbours all kinds of long standing resentments, yet leaves her DD with her every week, without paying anything and then thinks she can dictate what her mother does during this time!
As I said, there's a simple solution - organise proper childcare. That may not solve the problems in the relationship with her mother, but that's a separate issue.

BrownSuga · 08/03/2008 12:00

Wisteria, I don't expect anything of grandparents, but if it's a standing arrangement, I'd rather they kept to it, instead of using a creche. If they didn't want to do it, that wouldn't bother me, and I'd make other arrangements. My Inlaws have LO twice per week for about 2hrs at a time, but if they have something else on, then I just stay in and work around them.

Cam · 08/03/2008 12:03

Can we get the creche thing properly in perspective?

It was a gym creche. The g/mother was still in the building.

If the g/daughter was really upset the staff would have got the g/mother out of the gym/exercise class.

Cam · 08/03/2008 12:03

Oh, and the g/daughter is 3 years old, not a baby.

alfiesbabe · 08/03/2008 12:04

Good point Cam.

elliephant · 08/03/2008 12:06

Keyhole, don't think you're BU here. Your mum agreed to mind your DD for one day a week, can she not go to the gym the other four days. I wouldn't agree to mind a friends child and then drop her off at the creche. If she has changed her mind she should tell you so rather than causing more upset. Given the backround it is not unreasonable of you to think she might want to consider the rest of her family other than her DH for just one day a week. We're all mothers/fathers/wives/husbands etc - and it is a balancing act trying to fit all these roles into one life. It seems to me that your mum has chosen to be a wife above all other things. Personally I don't think it is ever a good idea to rely on one person for your happiness. You are understandably angry and resentful - you have more of less 'lost' your mother . Maybe it is time to look for alternative childcare however - just to save yourself further dissapointment.

squimlet · 08/03/2008 12:08

I think i would be upset that my mum didnt want to spend time with her gd more than anything. I dont think YABU I too would be upset for the same reasons you are