...about my mum leaving my daughter in a creche?

[keyhole]

My mum looks after my 3 yo dd once a week whilst I work (my eldest is now in school). To be brief,my mum recently married a man 10 years younger and is on a quest to be 25 again - hence obsessive gym attendance. The other day she took my youngest to go to a session and left her in the creche. She had previously mentioned she might do it and I had said I wasn't keen.

So when I returned from work on Tuesday to find she had left dd at the creche I was fuming(inwardly). Spoke to dd about it afterwards and she said she 'cried when nanny left her with the ladies, that's cos she wanted nanny'.

So am I being unreasonable to think that my mum should devote her child care time to my dd and put my foot down or leave her to pursue her quest to be 30 years younger? Inicdentally she refuses to see/have children on weekends due to her devotion to her husband who is not keen on children .. or me really! Am on dodgy ground as have temperamental relationship with mum as it is.

Would appreciate any thoughts - am i being unreasonble?

agnesnitt on Sun 09-Mar-08 09:33:05
"Favour or otherwise, a line should not be crossed. I don't get this 'blurry' theory. Be it child-minder, grandmother or best friend, if a mother or father says no, it means no."

Then again, you would almost certainly find it impossible to find a childminder if you insisted on dictating too closely how they were to look after your child. Most of them take children from several families and have to follow their own routines. Usually what happens is that you see the childminder beforehand and run through your wishes against their routine, and if they can't meet your requirements, then they won't take your child.

Though obviously, no childminder would go to the gym and leave their charges in the creche- that is an advantage with paid childcare.

In Keyhole's case, the whole situation is a bit complicated and there are obviously a lot of different issues here. The simple solution would seem to be to arrange for paid childcare, but I understand that she is then worried that contact with her mother may slip altogether.

Would it be possible to arrange some other kind of regular get-together with your mum, away from her house if there is a problem with her new partner. Something that was based on social getting together rather than work arrangements? Like if you were to invite your mum over for a meal once a week, and she could then play with her grandchild? Something that was pleasant for all of you, but involved less dependence.

I can't identify with all those who are calling it "free childcare". In my family we all muck in to help each other. If I give my grandfather a lift to the station, I wouldn't call it a free taxi service. I help look after my friend's DD once a week and don't expect payment. I help my mum out when she needs it too. In many other cultures families all help each other a lot more than we do here. So, although I really do appreciate my mum helping to look after my DS's once a week when I work, I do not look upon it as free childcare, and my mum would be insulted if I offered her payment. (Obviously it does depend on the person - my mum is very fit and active)

I guess what I mean is that it shouldn't make a difference if you are being paid or not. If I do "free" babysitting for a friend, I respect her house, her children and her wishes just as much as if I was being paid.

I know that the other days during the week when my mum does not have the children I have to pay someone. But I am lucky that my mum really wants to spend time with the children and she does not look upon it as childcare, but spending time with her grandchildren.

TOtally agree, frankie.

Presumably, though, if you are giving your grandfather a lift to the station you don't expect him to complain about the music on your stereo, whether you have some sweetie wrappers cluttering up the inside of the car, and whether you stop off en route to post a letter. If you were acting as a professional taxi driver your passengers would have legitimate reasons to express opinions on all of these.

My mum doesn't have my DDs for me regularly, but does on occasion when I need to work a Saturday or whatever, and I must admit I would be insensed if she had left them in a creche and they had been crying (which I think is important from the OP - it's not as though her DD was happy to be left in the creche). Fair enough, if there was an emergency and she had to leave them with someone, but not in these circs. Of course the OP's mum has every right to go to the gym, and it may be that if going to the gym is very important to her, she will no longer be able to babysit every week, but at the moment she is, and if she wants to change that, she needs to discuss it.

How easy it is to criticise.

YA definately BU.