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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...about my mum leaving my daughter in a creche?

159 replies

keyhole · 07/03/2008 10:51

My mum looks after my 3 yo dd once a week whilst I work (my eldest is now in school). To be brief,my mum recently married a man 10 years younger and is on a quest to be 25 again - hence obsessive gym attendance. The other day she took my youngest to go to a session and left her in the creche. She had previously mentioned she might do it and I had said I wasn't keen.

So when I returned from work on Tuesday to find she had left dd at the creche I was fuming(inwardly). Spoke to dd about it afterwards and she said she 'cried when nanny left her with the ladies, that's cos she wanted nanny'.

So am I being unreasonable to think that my mum should devote her child care time to my dd and put my foot down or leave her to pursue her quest to be 30 years younger? Inicdentally she refuses to see/have children on weekends due to her devotion to her husband who is not keen on children .. or me really! Am on dodgy ground as have temperamental relationship with mum as it is.

Would appreciate any thoughts - am i being unreasonble?

OP posts:
Soprana · 07/03/2008 11:22

You're not paying your mum to look after your daughter, so she's doing you a massive favour. And seeing her once a week sounds fantastic to me. My mum lives 500 miles away and I would love her to be able to see my dd once a week but it's a luxury we don't have. I say cut your mum some slack. If you're not happy with her putting dd in a creche while she goes to the gym, then pay for childcare.

Original poster
keyhole · 07/03/2008 11:22

I DO have resentment - could write a novel about the lies and general crap she has put me through. But in this case it is more that she just ignored my wishes...

OP posts:
Wisteria · 07/03/2008 11:24

but you just said you 'weren't keen', you didn't expressly say no or give her reasons why not so she may not have completely understood or thought it was a huge deal.

VinegarTits · 07/03/2008 11:24

Sorry if this offends you but it sounds to me as if your issues with your mum lie much deeper than her leaving your dd in a creche for a couple of hours while she is at the gym, you mentioned your relationship with her being tricky since she left your dad, and you dont like the fact that she is now devoting her time to her new husband (which she has every right to do, btw) It sounds like you have some resentment towards her (and this is completely understandable) and i think you need to deal with this and talk to her about how you feel.

As for her leaving your dd at the creche, YANBU to be annoyed at this, as you already expressed to her you were not keen on the idea. Hope you mend your issues with her soon. good luck.

beaniesteve · 07/03/2008 11:25

Aw... it's hard
Maybe you need to find a way to sit down and talk about the crap she's put you through and to listen to her side/version... is hard though I know.

eleusis · 07/03/2008 11:25

Ironically I just started a thread on my lovely new nanny where I am pondering what I could for her to show a bit of appreciation and I'm thinking of buying her some voushers to put DS in the gym creche so she can go work out while DD is at school.

He can play with other kids in the creche and nanny can have a break. It is good for both of them -- depending on the quality of the creche I suppose.

Original poster
keyhole · 07/03/2008 11:25

I object to the fact she ignored my wishes. If I'm honest, I do have resentment towards her - could write a novel about the crap she put me through. But that isn't issue here.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 07/03/2008 11:26

sorry x-posts with beanie

flowerybeanbag · 07/03/2008 11:26

If you're getting free childcare very difficult to moan about it really. I don't think one day a week is limited time with grandchildren, and perfectly justified for her not to want more time at the weekends.

Sounds as though you have issues with her, but they are separate, at the moment you are getting free childcare plus much more time than many grandparents can spend. My in laws are 200 miles away and my parents are in another country. I can't think of anything worse than having them provide childcare but I would like them to see DS a bit more often.

SoupDragon · 07/03/2008 11:27

YABU; you said you weren't keen, you didn't tell her not to do it. She is doing you a favour looking after your DD, free of charge - she doesn't have to do this.

Wisteria · 07/03/2008 11:27

OK - so you are cross about the creche - tell her!

I think it is more likely that your inner resentment is the issue here to be honest. Talk to her - you may not be aware of half the things she has been through.

Emprexia · 07/03/2008 11:32

My mother looks after my 18mo DS once a week while i'm at work.. i wish she WOULD go out and do something while she had him instead of feeling like she has to stay in all day.

If that meant leaving him a creche for a couple of hours, i wouldn't actually mind.

YABU, you aren;t paying her, she's doing you a favour and going into a creche for an hour or so isn't going to harm your DD.

I wonder if the issue here isn't the creche, but more your disapproval of your mothers lifestyle.

pelafina · 07/03/2008 11:37

Message withdrawn

Cam · 07/03/2008 11:38

This isn't about the creche, this is a power struggle/control issue.

The gym creche probably isn't free either, the one I used to use with dd2 for an hour while I exercised was really expensive

WiiMii · 07/03/2008 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
keyhole · 07/03/2008 11:45

WiiMii that is harsh - you don't know me or my situation to have such a strong view. I am asking if I am being unreasonable which suggests I think I might be and general opinion not a character assassination.

OP posts:
WiiMii · 07/03/2008 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wisteria · 07/03/2008 11:47

I can see why that would upset you KH but to be fair WiiMii said acting like a spoilt brat, not that you are one and your posts do tend to suggest that to me as well if you won't tackle the other issues here.

You asked if YABU and for the most part I think the majority think you are. There's no point starting a thread like this unless you are prepared to accept you may be

Cam · 07/03/2008 11:49

Also your dd is 3 yo.

Probably liked doing colouring and playing with dolls or whatever.

Original poster
keyhole · 07/03/2008 11:54

I can accept I might be unreasonable. Just felt that post was too harsh. Was looking for friendly advice - thought thatwas what mn was supposed to be about.

OP posts:
Cam · 07/03/2008 11:56

Your right keyhole. The AIBU topic does tend to polarise views though.

Wisteria · 07/03/2008 11:56

YABU - kind of invites all opinions keyhole, more of a 'let's have a barney' topic , try posting in chat or a different topic list if you don't like the opinionated threads

I think this thread has been very friendly to you considering most people think you are BU

BrownSuga · 07/03/2008 11:57

Once a week isn't too much to ask her to spend the day with your DD, she has 6 other days to get fit or whatever she likes to do. If she was going to keep doing it, I'd make other arrangements

Loshad · 07/03/2008 12:01

YABveryU, free childcare, your mum sees your daughter for a day every week - that's loads of grandparent contact time. I think you really need to work out your own issues about your mum leaving your dad, there will be all sorts of things you aren't aware of, and tbh it sounds like you are blaming your mum for that fact, and that your life has changed because of their breakup. However you are an adult, you need to move on, and if you are happy to accept free childcare from your mum then you need to cut her some slack, otherwise find a nursery/childminder and cough up the £30/week your mum is saving you.

Wisteria · 07/03/2008 12:04

BrownSuga - do you think Grandparents have a duty to be there for their grandchildren as much as that??
I am amazed at that train of thought and hope my dcs don't expect so much of me when their time comes, I will probably 'do' if I can but not if I was 'expected' to!!

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