...about my mum leaving my daughter in a creche?

[keyhole]

My mum looks after my 3 yo dd once a week whilst I work (my eldest is now in school). To be brief,my mum recently married a man 10 years younger and is on a quest to be 25 again - hence obsessive gym attendance. The other day she took my youngest to go to a session and left her in the creche. She had previously mentioned she might do it and I had said I wasn't keen.

So when I returned from work on Tuesday to find she had left dd at the creche I was fuming(inwardly). Spoke to dd about it afterwards and she said she 'cried when nanny left her with the ladies, that's cos she wanted nanny'.

So am I being unreasonable to think that my mum should devote her child care time to my dd and put my foot down or leave her to pursue her quest to be 30 years younger? Inicdentally she refuses to see/have children on weekends due to her devotion to her husband who is not keen on children .. or me really! Am on dodgy ground as have temperamental relationship with mum as it is.

Would appreciate any thoughts - am i being unreasonble?

I'm not sure you are being unreasonable about any of it. But I think that you might be focusing on small elements of what is in fact a bigger problem.

It seems to me that you are hurt and angry that your mother appears to want to cut you out of her life - at least whenever her new husband calls.

It already feels to you that your mother is reluctant to be your mother anymore - the fact that she doesn't treasure her time with your dd must feel like a rejection.

In this situation, the fact that your mother is technically doing you a favour is not really the point. Her caring for your daughter has a symbolic value, rather than a practical one. It shows you that she care for you.

This is the bottom line, and I imagine that you have already expressed your hurt to your mother and not been 'heard'. You cannot make your mother be more loving towards you unless she wants to do so; but you can find ways of dealing with the pain that this is causing you, through counselling.

The g/mother probably sees the caring for the g/daughter as more of a practical issue.
You can love your g/children without thinking your life is totally beholden to them.

If you want to have 100% say in what your children do all day you have two ooptions (which I think are both equally valid)

Look after your child yourself.
Pay someone to look after your child and follow your wishes in what they do all day.

If someone does you a favour, and once a week free child care is quite a favour, you have less 'rights' to call the shots.

You have every right to ask your mother not to put your dd in the creche.

She has every right to refuse.

and then, as the mother you can take the next step.

Completely agree with martianbishop

Cam: You can love your g/children without thinking your life is totally beholden to them.

Yes of course, Cam, in a 'normal' situation. But given the other parts of the puzzle - embarrassed by her daughter's age, won't invite daughter to new house, won't tell new dh that he must be civil towards her daughter simply because she is her daughter, no reassurance that though she has left OP's father she still loves daughter etc - I think that's too simplistic.

You said you weren't keen , not that she should n't and at least she told you, so yabu to be cross now. Is it a creche where you might leave her yourself , if you aren't happy about doing that then you have the ultimate right of veto but agree with MB, she has her own life and if you want to pick and choose how the day is spent those are the alternatives. Or if it bothers you that much and you still want her to look after your dd ,find a local playgroup for her so she has a few clear hours in which to go to the gym. Not many people would enjoy looking after a 3yr old all day alone without a break tbh.

Thank you onebatmother -you seem to realise that it isn't just a case of me throwing toys out of pram but another of a long line of 'incidents' re my mother. I honestly could fill a novel with them!
I will talk to her - but half of not wanting to is because I am scared of how she will react. She is very good at manipulating situations and becoming a 'victim'. And I have a sneaking suspicion she is inviting me to do this so she can then go and complain to people about how ungrateful I am. She has manipulated me like this before - she has lost a lot of friends because of how she left my dad and likes to gain ground with tales of how awful her children are.
I am painting her as though she is a witch - she isn't, she's lost her way and totally beholden to her husband who is a control freak. I do love her because she is my mum and I want her in my life. It doesn't matter how old you are - you are always someones child and you always need a mother.
The whole thing about the creche is a drop in the ocean really. It isn't a simple case of me dictating child care.

Keyhole - I can relate to your situation. My mum has a new partner and I am in no doubt that he comes first. She is also trying to be young etc and I miss the mothering aspect of our relationship. I can't get her to commit to anything, even coming to the ds's birthdays. I don't have any advice really, but can sympathesise. I haven't discussed this with my mum because she seems happy. I miss my old mum too....

On a practical note, have you visited the creche?

I agree with you up to a point mb, but the thing is, when the mother 'refused' not to put the gd in a creche, she didn't tell the OP about this
the OP said she didn't want it to happen, the grandmother went and did it anyway. That's the problem. I don't think people looking after your children have a right to decide they are going to do something you have asked them not to, whether or not they are getting paid is irrelevant. If the grandmother felt strongly about it she should have said "well I DO need to put gd in the creche because I want to go to the gym that day" (perfectly reasonable) and the OP could have said "in that case I'll make other arrangements." (also perfectly reasonable)

what happened wasn't reasonable. Some children are not ready to be left with strangers in a creche situation aged 3 - presumably the OP's dd is one of these or she wouldn't have minded it. My ds wouldn't have been either. I would have been LIVID had anyone done this without getting my permission first. I still would be now. If I leave my son in someone's care I expect them to be doing the caring, not passing him over to someone I have never even met. If the grandmother doesn't want to have the gd all day she must say so.

Strawberry - it's so difficult isn't it? If you complain you appear bratish, if you sit back the resentment builds.

I haven't visited creche - thought I might suggest that as 'way in' to talking about my concerns and feelings.

You're right onebatmother, I am very simplistic.

keyhole - there is obviously a long history here, and you're clearly struggling with your relationship with your mother, so I hope you don't feel people have been harsh. I do think though, that when you are dealing with people who are manipulative and can easily play the victim card (as you say your mother does) it really is best to not put yourself in situations where you are beholden to them, because there's a tendency it will backfire like this. I would honestly make other arrangements for childcare. This could have surprising results. It will make your mother aware that you are perfectly capable of making other arrangements, and you never know, it might stir her into making more of an effort at other times. I never had an easy relationship with my mother, and I know that if I'd used her for childcare, all kinds of resentments would have built up - I wouldnt have been happy with how she did things. Much better to set the boundaries and build the relationship without feeling indebted to eachother.

Not you personally, Cam, the approach you were taking to the OP's particular situation. I think that's pretty clear from my post.

In any case, simplistic doesn't mean simple-minded, you know..

I genuinely mean it. I do tend to find that I prefer to take the least emotional approach to things.

I'm looking for a quiet life

I see what you mean. Very sensible.

I also would like to say that we are hearing hte OP's version of events. In no way saying she is not telling the truth, but there are 2 sides to every story. She is saying tha the new husband is rude etc but he could be saying that his new wifes family have been nothing but hostile to him this is only one interpretation.

FandZ I do also care where my children are and who looks after them which is exactly why I think the OP IS BU a bit. If my mum was looking after the dc's and while I was at work I trust her enough to know that is she did fancy a trip to the gym and put them in the crech that she would make sure it was suitable and safe for them before she did it.
I trust her judgment whis is exactly why I would let her look after them in the first place.

Ineedacleaner- you are right there are always two sides to a story. If you knew me you would know I am the least confrontational person in the world. In the circumstances, I have always been very polite to my mum's dh.
My sister just called me as well. She has been looking on mn and seen this post and knew straight away it is me!!! So from that point of view, you can see there is truth in what I say...

Am going to have to change my nickname to keep her sticky beak out!

Sorry I wasn't trying to put your story down just that it is very easy for us to sit here and say this and that.
Me I am the most confrontational person in the whole world and would probably have exploded before now

I think you are biebg a bit unreasonable.

Thanks ineedacleaner ...{backs away in a non-confrontational style}

Keyhole - YABU

I think if you paid your mum to look after your DD you'd be entitled to complain. As it is, your mum is looking after her buck shee, so is entitled to fit her life around the childcare in any way she sees fit, as long as it's legal and DD is safe.

She may have cried at the creche, kids do that, but the alternative to your mum taking her would possibly be childcare? In which case, she'd probably have to go through this process anyway??? Just a thought.

And though it's hard to say as an outsider with little knowledge, maybe communication between you and your mum isn't always as clear as it could be. Maybe she didn't know you felt that strongly about the creche situation. Or perhaps she just didn't hear the message you were giving her...after all she is 60 and it sounds like she's got a shedload of stuff going off in her life too.

I don't think YABU in that your mother knew your wishes and went against them.

I am lucky enough to be close to my mother and my MIL and MIL looks after my 2DS whilst I work 2 days a week. I trust both of them completely and know they would only leave my DS's in the care of someone they trusted. If either of them mentioned a creache to me I would not feel the need to check it out myself as I know them doing it would be as good as.

I think this was just another rejection for you and I find it very sad.

Not being in this situation I can't imagine how you feel but I do think you should talk to your mother. I wouldn't even mention this incident as it is too fresh and raw and could cause an argument. As you said you have a long list. You could even write a letter so that it does not cause an argument as you said you are not a confrontational person. Let your mum know how much you miss being close as apposed to 'you did this and you did that'.

Wish you luck x

I'm with keyhole on this one. My mother's husband is a right c*.

Someone up there mentioned that the mother's new husband comes first, as if that was some kind of big problem. Why?

Maybe as asults with our own children we should be more accepting of the fact that our own parents are individuals too. They can't be expected to drop everything in their lives for us grown children. Yes, to have a caring and understanding and available parent is lovely but let's face it... many of us have parents who are still young, still have liveas to lead, and who don't see it as their role to continue being a carer for their children and grand children for the rest of their lives.

My mum is not even 60 yet, she has a new parner, all her children have lives of their own, we don't expect our mum to be as available to us as she was when we were young kids.

I know it's a pain to have someone do something you don't agree with but this problem seems to be made worse because the OP has unresolved issues about how her mother has continued to live her life. We all have to let go, and if the OP could let go of this resentment she has towards her mother about the choices she has made in how to live her life, then it might be a good start...