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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

489 replies

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 09:41

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

OP posts:
Mikimoto · 10/10/2023 12:59

I feel sorry for the taxi-driving dad missing out on his Xmas breakfast mimosas every year!

VivaDixie · 10/10/2023 13:03

Why don't you talk about it in front of your SD/SS (the one who is either 11 or 12) and wait for them to talk to you/their mum about it?

Just a thought Wink

ZoeCM · 10/10/2023 13:15

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 11:15

@LadyLapsang I don't think they'll have thought about it too much, it's just what they've always known. I think it would be hard on their mum to lose Christmas morning with them as she makes a huge effort so I don't think alternative years with us having Christmas Eve would work for her and the kids. My DH hasn't had them Christmas morning since the youngest was a baby, before he left

I had a feeling when I read the OP that there would be a reason why alternating Christmas Day by year "wouldn't work".

Mrsttcno1 · 10/10/2023 13:16

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 12:49

And I would run a mile from a partner who did not care that I got to see my family because it was all about them and their right not to compromise. Alternating one Christmas with his family, one year with hers, and always seeing the DSC on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day on the year you don't have them on Christmas Day is the solution that actually considers everybody.

Show quote history

Nothing is stopping OP from going to see her family, her DH goes to pick up the kids, she could go to her families while he is busy on his 40 minute drive, she could visit them at any time on Christmas Day, she could also delay their lunch for 2 hours and then they could all eat together. There is compromise to be made, the problem is the only compromise OP is interested in is one where HE changes his plans with his children. She will ask him to change his plans but won’t even dare ask her family to change theirs.

That doesn’t please everybody as it means every other Christmas he doesn’t see his kids and they don’t see their dad on Christmas Day. That’s unreasonable for anyone to decide, OTHER THAN her partner, his kids and their mother.

Once again, there’s plenty of single men without kids. If you want to dictate Christmas Day by your family and child then have that child with someone who doesn’t already have a family. You don’t get to waltz in as a step parent to an existing family unit and then demand changes because you chose to have a child to him and his pre-existing plans don’t work for you.

1month · 10/10/2023 13:42

YABU

You want to change things that suit your DH, his kids, their mum and DH, just because you’re fed up with it.

Why should everyone else change things just to suit one person?

What time does your family have their Xmas dinner?

When DH goes to pick up the kids, you can make your way over to your/his family and then wet DH there.

If the DSC don’t want Christmas dinner then that’s even better as there’s less to cook for and they can just have some Christmas nibbles instead.

Im sure his family would love to see their grandkids on Xmas day too.

Perhaps you could alternate between the parents each year.
Or have them come to yours.

charabang · 10/10/2023 13:44

I personally feel he should be responsible for travel given that he moved away from the family. Why did he chose to move in the first instance?
I'd look at the DSC joining you at Christmas Day teatime/early evening for presents and playing games etc.. then a nice Boxing Day breakfast! I don't see that asking your DH and DSC not to see each other on Christmas Day is entirely fair.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 13:48

So I'm seeing two thoughts in regards to travel and what's fair, some saying that it's his responsibility to do all the travelling as he instigated the divorce and some saying it should be shared, what do the courts say if it went there (he never went to court)

OP posts:
Backagain23 · 10/10/2023 13:54

You don’t get to waltz in as a step parent to an existing family unit
The old family unit doesn't exist anymore.
They are divorced.

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 13:54

A lot of comments saying this isn't stopping OP from seeing her family - not sure if it's been mentioned but I'd assumed a one car household, with him monopolising the car every year.

Either way, OP said he would be deeply offended if she suggested they be separate on Christmas Day. So she is willing to compromise in this way, but he is not.

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 13:55

Backagain23 · 10/10/2023 13:54

You don’t get to waltz in as a step parent to an existing family unit
The old family unit doesn't exist anymore.
They are divorced.

Yes, absolutely. I find it laughable when people say this, such a power play. My DP make decisions and set up OUR life together, and fit the kids around that. I didn't "waltz into a family unit".

1month · 10/10/2023 14:03

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 13:55

Yes, absolutely. I find it laughable when people say this, such a power play. My DP make decisions and set up OUR life together, and fit the kids around that. I didn't "waltz into a family unit".

Show quote history

You may fit new kids around a relationship but you would expect kids that are already here, to fit around a new relationship.

In a relationship you fit around the routines of the children already in place.
They don’t fit around you.

OP needs to fit around the routine that is already in place, which was decided by both parents and the kids are happy with.

She gets absolutely no say in it.

If she didn’t like it then she could either end the relationship or get over it.

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 14:05

@1month Says who? Are you in charge? Loosely my DP still has the same arrangement he did when I met him but we've made many adjustments, and those decisions have been joint. I do not have absolutely no say no matter what you've convinced yourself 😂

5128gap · 10/10/2023 14:06

I do think its unreasonable to marry someone with children and then expect your preferences to take priority over the amount and type of contact they have with those children.
If you marry a decent parent of existing DC, there should be an expectation that the time they have with those children will be important, and that sometimes that will require sacrifice and inconvenience on your part. Its just part of the deal.
The changes you want for Christmas would not only mean your partner doesn't see his children on Christmas day, but also the 'Christmas morning' element of Boxing day is lost. I think that's a big and unfair ask, and not one I'd agree to in his place.

Coffeepot72 · 10/10/2023 14:07

OP needs to fit around the routine that is already in place, which was decided by both parents and the kids are happy with.

She gets absolutely no say in it.

If she didn’t like it then she could either end the relationship or get over it.

@1month so a blended family shouldn't actually blend then? Whatever was in place right at the beginning, has to remain that way, no matter what else changes around within that family unit? Don't her children count at all?

5128gap · 10/10/2023 14:09

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 13:55

Yes, absolutely. I find it laughable when people say this, such a power play. My DP make decisions and set up OUR life together, and fit the kids around that. I didn't "waltz into a family unit".

Show quote history

Many would argue that 'fitting the kids' around your new relationship isn't the best parenting technique in the world.

Coffeepot72 · 10/10/2023 14:11

Many would argue that 'fitting the kids' around your new relationship isn't the best parenting technique in the world.

But everyone has to adjust a bit, when a new household is created?

Backagain23 · 10/10/2023 14:11

5128gap · 10/10/2023 14:06

I do think its unreasonable to marry someone with children and then expect your preferences to take priority over the amount and type of contact they have with those children.
If you marry a decent parent of existing DC, there should be an expectation that the time they have with those children will be important, and that sometimes that will require sacrifice and inconvenience on your part. Its just part of the deal.
The changes you want for Christmas would not only mean your partner doesn't see his children on Christmas day, but also the 'Christmas morning' element of Boxing day is lost. I think that's a big and unfair ask, and not one I'd agree to in his place.

OP wants it to be "sometimes". "Sometimes" would be lovely.
Currently it's "every single time OP compromises her and her kids Christmas and he never has to adapt the set up to accommodate the wife and family he chose to be have because any change at all would be catastrophic for the oldest kids even if it means they actually have more quality time overall with both sides of their family".

1month · 10/10/2023 14:14

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 14:05

@1month Says who? Are you in charge? Loosely my DP still has the same arrangement he did when I met him but we've made many adjustments, and those decisions have been joint. I do not have absolutely no say no matter what you've convinced yourself 😂

Sorry I should have said that ‘decent’ parents fit their new relationship around the kids, not the other way around.

I guess your DH isn’t the greatest dad if he was willing to change his kids established routines on his new gfs say so.

I personally would run a mile if a man was willing to change the routines he had with his kids and when he saw them, because of a new relationship.
Perhaps this is what attracted you to him though.

There’s absolutely no way I’d be changing my child’s routine or fitting her around a relationship.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 14:21

My DH is not adverse to change, when we moved in together he said just because Christmas plans are like that now doesn't mean they can't change, I didn't push the matter as in all honesty I didn't have the confidence, I think the deal isn't great for him and he'd be open to discussions but im just wondering what's reasonable to ask of him and his ex.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 14:22

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 12:40

Whoever has dc in the day time drops them off at the opposite spouse?

I don't think it matters which way round it is as long as it's not the same person doing it all the time. So have one rule, e.g. if you have the children during the day you do the drop off, and stick to it.

KT1112 · 10/10/2023 14:26

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 14:05

@1month Says who? Are you in charge? Loosely my DP still has the same arrangement he did when I met him but we've made many adjustments, and those decisions have been joint. I do not have absolutely no say no matter what you've convinced yourself 😂

You might have a say if both parents of the children ask your opinion for some reason, but other than that....you absolutely shouldnt

KT1112 · 10/10/2023 14:26

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 14:21

My DH is not adverse to change, when we moved in together he said just because Christmas plans are like that now doesn't mean they can't change, I didn't push the matter as in all honesty I didn't have the confidence, I think the deal isn't great for him and he'd be open to discussions but im just wondering what's reasonable to ask of him and his ex.

Men will say all sorts when they want to convince you everything will be OK

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 14:27

KT1112 · 10/10/2023 14:26

You might have a say if both parents of the children ask your opinion for some reason, but other than that....you absolutely shouldnt

Show quote history

Huh?

You think the OP should have no say in this at all unless her husband and the ex ask her opinion?

Why?

1month · 10/10/2023 14:28

OP why can’t you still see each others family on Christmas Day?

Or why can’t you have the parents come and visit you at your home?

PhantomUnicorn · 10/10/2023 14:29

we alternate, so he gets them xmas eve - boxing day morning every other year.