AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

[spookymooky1]

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

Because this is an established routine that they’ve been doing for X amount of years.

1 person does not get to then decide to change everything because they’ve now decided they want to change their own routine and do things differently.

Of course you can ask but considering there are 2 kids, 2 parents and possibly extended family members involved, then OP wanting to change the established routine isn’t going to trump everyone else’s wishes/routines.

There would be uproar on here if it was the man asking that his wife changes her routines with her kids to suit him.

The OP is an adult with her own children and her own extended family.

These arrangements affect her. Of course she should get a say in the matter.

These arrangements worked when her husband and his ex didn't have anybody else's needs or family to take into consideration. Now they do. OP has let things continue as they were for the first few years but it's not working for her anymore and she's entitled to request a review of how they do things.

If he's open to change and told you at the start Christmas was flexible then you can suggest anything you like.
Personally I wouldn't agree to your proposal, but many on here who think you're reasonable presumably would if it were their children, so it could go either way.

I don’t know how to tell you this, but saying your partner set up a life with you AND THEN just fit his existing children around that, is really not the brag you seem to think it is. A good parent (not just dad), puts their kids first, always. And builds any other relationship around them, not the other way around.

Many would argue that 'fitting the kids' around your new relationship isn't the best parenting technique in the world

Yes, clearly many would, as many are incredibly rigid in their thinking here. The kind of adjustments I'm talking about are where we live, where people sleep in the place we live as more kids are born, shifting weekends around here and there to fit with plans, and yes, making arrangements for Christmas to reflect the fact that we both want to see our families. All normal things to decide together, and also all things that it is not unnatural to change over time to reflect changing circumstances.

I don’t know how to tell you this, but saying your partner set up a life with you AND THEN just fit his existing children around that, is really not the brag you seem to think it is. A good parent (not just dad), puts their kids first, always. And builds any other relationship around them, not the other way around.

I never said it was a brag, but similarly being totally uncompromising with someone you expect to be in a romantic relationship with you around things you could actually flex on is also not the brag you think it is.

Which is fine but her opinion doesn’t trump the mum, dad or step kids.

They may be able to work something out but I would have thought that if they wanted it to change they would have done so already.

I would be focusing on how to make the current situation better.

It sounds like OP wants to see her family and PIL for Christmas and so I’d be looking into inviting them to my home or going with DH and DSC.

In the real world, properly functioning families discuss these issues with each other, review their arrangements to take account of evolving circumstances, and compromise.

It no way did I say not see them, he just won't be out at 6.30 in the morning to go in to the living room with them to see what they got.

The OP is the one who wants it to change.

You can't expect them to change their existing arrangements if the OP hasn't even indicated that it isn't working for her anymore.

Her opinion shouldn't trump theirs but neither should their arrangements dictate all her future Christmases.

Discussion and compromise is what is needed here.

Because they aren’t her children. And the plans were laid in place before she was part of the scenario. She had the responsibility to asses his situation before she entered into the relationship. If she chose to accept him with his “baggage”, she can’t now be upset that it doesn’t suit her.

Children of divorced parents have more than enough to navigate, without having to accommodate the feelings of someone their father has decided he wants to involve.

The only people in this entire situation that have had any control over their positions are the father (when he decided to leave the family he created) and the OP, who took him on knowing full well he had two existing children.

Who do you mean by ‘the three of us’? There are five of you. That’s what happens when you marry someone with kids.

Oh, give over.

At the time she entered into the relationship her husband said these arrangements could be revisited.

So either he was lying, and intended to trap her into this arrangement for all her future Christmases regardless of what she might think about it, or they can be revisited.

Their arrangements will dictate all her future Christmasses because she has chosen to join an existing family (albeit a broken one) that has arrangements in place.

No, that's really not how this works. Her husband even said so at the outset.

@SayingwhatIreallythink
@Sirzy
he in no way pushing them out, he just won't be out at 6.30 in the morning to wait on them getting up, to see what they got, he will get up with us and then head out to see them, as there mum won't let him have them in Christmas day, he is having the talk with her this weekend then will talk to the kids to tell them what's happening. I meant kids will be old enough to understand why he won't be there first thing on waken up not that he is pushing them aside for the younger sibling.

I’m sure a passing comment (which was drip fed in response to another poster) doesn’t really trump the existing arrangement they have. If the children and their mum don’t want it to change, then I don’t think OP has much of a voice in this.

Surely her argument of “it’s interrupting my my choice to enjoy Christmas with the people I have chosen at the specific times my family and I have chosen” isn’t really valid? Obviously if the dad wants it to change in his own right as family life has evolved, then that’s absolutely fine

Exactly this.

I’ve said many times now, there are lots of single men without kids. If you want to be able to prioritise “just the three of us”, you should have chosen one of them to have a baby with.

You’ve joined an existing family unit, they have plans already in place. You chose the situation you are in, and if they wanted to change Christmas plans then okay, but you don’t get that call.

But she’s asking for one parent to not see their children on Christmas Day.

That’s a very big ask and if the parents wanted to do that they would have already been doing it.

You don’t make a parent feel guilty for seeing their child on Christmas Day, just because you’ve now decided you want a change.
Especially when the arrangement doesn’t actually affect you that much.

It would be completely different if DH had to work or she was being stopped from seeing her own family.

But whilst he’s going to pick them up she could be at her family’s/they come to hers and then she can meet her DH and DSC at her PIL afterwards.
Or something similar.

The possibility of not seeing his children every single Christmas Day was something her husband should have factored in when he decided to end his marriage. These things happen.

What if the OP wants to spend Christmas with her own extended family one year? What if the OP's parents would like to spend Christmas with their grandchildren? Should this never be allowed to happen because her husband has children from a previous relationship? The OP has already confirmed that her husband won't countenance them spending Christmas apart.

So he has to make concessions. That's what adults do, in the real world.

Ending your marriage doesn’t mean you need to stop seeing your kids, especially if you are seeing your kids and it’s your new partner that has decided they want a change.
It’s also not fair on the mum who also misses out on Xmas day, through no fault of her own.
(Or vice versa depending on who ended the marriage).

Why can’t OP spend time with her family?

No one is stopping her.

She can either go/they come over in the morning as the 3 of them,
or when DH goes to get his kids,
or in the afternoon as the 5 of them.

Why is it more important for her to see her extended family, than DH see his own kids on Christmas Day?

The reality is that no one needs to miss out, as they can do both.

Nobody is saying it means you need to stop seeing your kids.

But Christmas Day is one day.

You can't see everyone every Christmas Day. Not even people who are still on their first marriage can do this. It's quite normal for couples to alternate between different sides of the family at Christmas, for example. Children of divorced parents unfortunately have to get used to this earlier than other children because they have two families and they can't be with both of them simultaneously.

The OP's husband can't spend every Christmas Day with all his children from both his marriages, plus his wife, unless the OP accepts never being allowed to see her own extended family on Christmas Day. He has to compromise. That's what adults do.

What if the OP's parents want to spend Christmas with their grandchildren, or the OP's children want to spend Christmas with their maternal grandparents one year? They didn't end the OP's husband's first marriage, or marry someone with children from a previous relationship. Should people who weren't involved in that decision in any way also be bound to these apparently immutable arrangements for the next 10+ years as well? How ridiculous.

I don't think anyone gets to say what everyone does at Christmas every year and that it always has to be the same! Or any other time of year. Even little kids have to accept that life changes and christmases change too. Nothing should be off the table for discussion even if it ends up being decided against.

She can see her family on Christmas Day and her parents can see their grandchildren.

Why do you think she can’t?

@1month my husband wants to spend all day with me and our shared child, he won't accept me going elsewhere without him. So he's dictating that I fit in around him and his ex wife every Christmas