AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

[spookymooky1]

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

Again who are the adults here ? SDCs are only 10 &12, I think it's easy for the parents of toddlers to think this is " nearly grown up" and attribute maturiy and resilence to these children that they just don't posess. Once DCs are in the picture it's not about adults ' desires or preferences. The toddler doesn't know any better as I said once they are 15 & 17 and the toddler is 7 things will be different.

To be honest it just sounds like all you care about is yourself! Maybe you shouldn’t of started a relationship with someone with kids not everyone is cut out to be step mum, if it works well for them leave it you get to be with your child wake up with your child that’s what matters, like you said in a previous comment it would be disingenuous to say your doing it for the kids! You sound like a right pain in the arse they won’t be children for ever then you can have as many Christmas’s your way as you like don’t rock the boat and create problems where there aren’t any

As a step parent. I came into my DH life knowing that his son and X would always be a part of his life and they would always be a family though not together any longer. I have always treated it, for SS because he is a child and didn’t choose this situation for himself, like we are one extended family as much as I possibly can regardless of the ups and downs of working the emotions in the situation between his mum and dad at times.

DH and I don’t have children together, but his mum and stepdad have 2 further children. As heartbreaking as it is for my DH Christmas Day for us is a very quiet day with just my mum and grandad having spent Xmas Eve with his mum and dad. So SS has Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with his mum and family as there are other siblings he wants to be with and play with.

We pick him up Boxing Day (he lives 30 mins away) at 9.00am, go to my DH parents for the morning to do gifts and have some fun (DH is an only child and his mums not big on Xmas as it’s been traumatic for her in the past), then head to ours briefly to see what gifts Santa left at our house and then head on to my mums where my brothers and their children all come and have the best time! So Boxing Day is more like our Christmas! Then we have his for a couple of days and drop him back thereafter until our rotation comes round again.

You have children in your home too that your SC are going to want to see as they are their half siblings too. I don’t think alternating Xmas Eve/Xmas Day hurts so long as the children are happy with this. It allows everyone a far more relaxed and less stressful day to enjoy TBH, so I understand your point.

But, what I will say is this isn’t your decision, they were here before you and you need to accept and respect that and, whilst you can have a quiet chat with your DH about what you think, none of it is your decision I am afraid IMHO that is then up to him if he’s happy to work that out with consideration of the fact that it might even work better for his children in discussions with their mother.

we also do all pick ups and drop offs, but we don’t care, if that’s what we need to do to see SS that’s what we do, simple as that.

It really doesn't matter what you or I or anyone else thinks. The only thing that matters is if this works for the children of the divorce, not OP, not their Dad or their Mother. What the children want should be the only guiding principle and most family court judges would agree with me.

This.

It's rubbish because they and their mum will be twiddling their thumbs at lunchtime while their dad is absent, they aren't allowed to go and have Christmas lunch with their grandparents, and they have to wait until the evening to have their Christmas meal which is a muted affair because their siblings have already had their main celebration and aren't eating.

It also no doubt condemns the OP to preparing the meal every year because once her husband gets home with his older children he'll want to hang out with them, not help with the cooking.

I don't think anybody is saying her husband should stop seeing his kids on Christmas Day. Just that this specific arrangement is a bit crap and can be improved upon in a way that will benefit everyone.

I don't think anybody is saying her husband should stop seeing his kids on Christmas Day. Just that this specific arrangement is a bit crap and can be improved upon in a way that will benefit everyone.

Absolutely!

I preferred splitting the day as a child.
But my Dad collected me at 3ish.
I wouldn't have wanted to be collected at 6 or 7 as the day is basically over then.
But you could go to your parents and have dinner if they eat at 12/1ish and collect DSC at 3ish.

i haven’t read the whole thing but as long as you are suggesting that you have the step children for all of Christmas Day one year at yours, then one year at his mum’s then you aren’t in the wrong
if you are suggesting the split day one year then nothing the next then that’s pretty mean
Never word things ‘the 3 of us’ there are 5 of you

You can make whatever suggestions you want then, if everyone else involved is amenable to change. There's no single "reasonable" plan - only what's reasonable for the people involved. As you can see on this thread, plenty of blended families wouldn't want to split Xmas Day, but plenty others would be happy to do so. You find a solution that works for you (primarily the kids though).

What is unreasonable is to use the phrase "just the three of us" and give any indication that you want to exclude yoru husband's kids from your "little family". No, they're part of his family of five, and you signed up to joining that wen you married him. And putting them first is part of that deal. I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to put other people's children first, but they shouldn't get into relationships with existing parents.

What would be more reasonable is to present your suggestions from a purely logical and logistical point of view. Frame it as making life easier for everyone involved. And accept that if a split Xmas Day is what makes the kids happy, then that is what will have to happen.

FWIW I don't think the inconveniences to you are anywhere near as bothersome as keeping those kids from seeing their dad on Xmas Day would be. Your husband is gone for 90 minutes? That's barely anything. Your stepkids aren't hungry? Make them a plate of nibbles rather than a full dinner then. Your parents might have to eat lunch a couple of hours later? That's barely an inconvenience. Your parents don't know your stepkids very well? Well, a good time to remedy that then.

I locked horns with DH many times over the arrangements with DSS. Not necessarily over Christmas plans, but just stupid things that didn't work for anyone, but had to continue 'just because.'

Example - at one time, DSS was with us Wed, Fri , Sat. It would have saved DH a lot of driving, and DSS a lot of to-ing and fro-ing if the arrangement had been Thu, Fri, Sat. But no, it had to be Wednesday. Why? No reason, its just what we've always done.

And putting them first is part of that deal. I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to put other people's children first, but they shouldn't get into relationships with existing parents
Nope. None of the children get to come first every time. Anyone who wants to always put their first child at the top of the priority list has no business making a second or third child.

I feel so much for children who have separated parents and then have step-parents like this. It’s all about what you want, your parents don’t know your step children? You’ve been in a relationship 5 years that’s just not acceptable. My brother’s step son is involved in everything we do and he wouldn’t allow it to be any other way. Why did you marry and have children with him, or did you expect that once you had your own you’d be able to force his out?

I used to alternate Christmas Day/Boxing day with my older kids dad when they were small. As they got older they decided that they wanted to stay home on Christmas Day & go to their dads on Boxing Day instead. It was their choice so was accepted by all

Anyone who DOESN’T prioritise the interests of their child has no business having any more.

I think it’s actually your husband who is in the wrong and being unreasonable here.

There’s nothing wrong with him continuing this tradition (and in some respects I think it’s easier as you can then relax, switch off, have some Christmas drinks rather than having to drive later on). There’s nothing wrong with him doing the drop off and pick up (although he can’t be in permanent purgatory whether self inflicted or otherwise for leaving her).

What is wrong is that he is in control of everything, including you and your child. He’s dictating what YOU can do as well and that’s what’s making it unbearable. There’s no reason you couldn’t go and visit your family at 11 (arbitrary time), spend some time with them, and him leave you there at 1pm to relax and enjoy lunch with your family before a Christmas supper with his kids later.

His insistence on you doing what he tells you (sitting at home and waiting for him!) is what’s ruining this day for you and your child.

This is what my DP does with his DC. Whoever has them at their house does the drop offs. I think this is the only fair way to do it.

With Christmas it alternates every year. DSC spend Christmas Eve with one parent and then are dropped to the other at 11am Christmas morning, until Boxing Day 11am. It works for them and us. Mindful that we’re trying for our own DC but this routine would work.

Also why not get him to ask his ex wife - instead of saying we won’t take Christmas morning from you, this could be pleasantly reframed as
‘Splitting the day in half with the long pick up drive just isn’t sustainable, but I would like to find a solution you’re happy with - we could alternate Christmas Day and Boxing Day each year, or we could alternate the pick up/drop off at the time it currently is, so that you do it one year and I do it the other. What would be your preference?’

You know she doesn’t want to give up Christmas morning, so the obvious solution would be for her to alternate the pick up/drop off - but this way it’s her feeling as though she has had a say in it.

If my family didn't "allow" it to be any other way, historically they'd never get to see us unless they fancied sleeping on the floor because they slept in the same bed he did when they come to stay, so it was never at the same time for obvious reasons.

Plus then there's the fact that he wants to do other things when he comes over, or see his own GP (DPs parents).

So not an awful lot of point in them "not having it any other way" and refusing to engage with us if DSS isn't there. It's not like he's there and they're ignoring him - he is not there when they are.

Honestly I do not think people think comments like this through very carefully. There are plenty of perfectly legitimate reasons for a step parents family to not know their step child. Presumably your DB is with a resident parent. It doesn't take much thought to comprehend why it might be a little bit different when your relative is with the NRP so the child is rarely around.

You can prioritise to your heart's content when you only have one.
After that, all the children you have are "existing" children, all of them are important, none of them got to choose to be born or into what family circumstances so none of them win the arguement to be automatically top priority every single time.
OPs child isn't more important than her DSC,but he's not less important either. The mutual father is going to have to strive for balance.

Yes, well the OP's child already exists.

Where did I say that we don’t see the other children/DB without his step son. It just wouldn’t have been acceptable to not involve him at Christmas or special occasions. He’s not with a resident parent the split is 50/50, so there are plenty of times he’s not around.

It just takes very little effort to get to know a child and I don’t know how anybody can excuse that after 5 years. There are very, very few ‘perfectly good reasons’ and it amazes me that any adult can excuse this.

Nobody is saying that he shouldn't see his kids on Christmas Day.

Why do people keep claiming that other people are saying this?

The point is that him being absent for 90 minutes SPECIFICALLY OVER LUNCHTIME doesn't work.

If the stepchildren are going to have Christmas lunch with their mother before they come to the OP's house then they should stay there for a little bit longer so that everyone else can also enjoy their Christmas lunch beforehand.

My parents and my partners parents don’t have much to do with their respective step grandchildren.

There isn’t really any need to be, they send gifts for birthdays, Christmas, Easter and so on but that’s it. The children aren’t exactly desperate to spend time with their “step grandparents” but they do enjoy seeing their grandparents.

You literally said he was involved in everything you do. If he's not there 50% of the time, it's really not hard to understand how if he was there say 15% of the time/you lived a large distance from your family so only ever saw them for full overnight stays/the limited time they come over is not spent visiting family, and if it is, there's only really time to visit one family which is naturally going to be their paternal family they can only see at that time, the amount you'd have met him would be much lower.