AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

[spookymooky1]

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

My MIL is an absolute star because my husband family is made up of single parents/blended families so there is always comings and goings with the kids she would never suggest having a Christmas meal at lunch time.

Maybe she gave up trying?

I really sympathise with the OP, a totally non-flex arrangement slap bang in the middle of Christmas Day is ridiculous.

Can't you just have your nice relaxing meal with a glass of wine on Christmas eve instead?

I'm inclined to think that, if this is set up and works well for the dc, then you should mess with it.

Poss could you have them an hour later so you have lunch before they come? That's not such a big change.

@Coffeepot72 gave up trying what?

She has a Christmas dinner with usually no less than 18. So she's clearly doing something right

More like she is an involved and supportive parent who recognises the different family types her children all have

So what time do you serve lunch to accommodate the comings and goings of 18 people?!

Well, it's a hell of a lot better than asking him not to see his own children on Christmas Day

This is the sort of sacrifice he signed up for when he left his first wife. He should have known what he was getting into.

With my kids we always did Christmas Eve until lunchtime Christmas Day with their dad, then the rest of Christmas day, Boxing Day with me. The rest of the holiday varied. My kids liked it, I liked it, their dad liked it.

You might believe alternating Christmas Day is best for everyone but you are wrong. Personally I wouldn't dream of telling other families they are doing it the wrong way.

It might seem like she has “all the good bits” but she really doesn’t. Most parents want to spend the whole of a special day with their children. There’s nothing more lonely than an empty house on Christmas Night when you’re a parent

@Coffeepot72 not all of the 18 people have kids, and that's not all of his immediate family so it could be more depending who's with their inlaws on any given year.

But my MIL has personalised Xmas name settings and the first year a new partner/kid is there they get their own. So asking everyone what their plans are for Xmas and which kids will be there is hardly a stretch for her.

Usually 4.30 ish. Like I said were I live having Xmas meal at lunch time is not that popular any way.

Indeed.

But no. The OP and his younger child aren’t allowed to have a proper Christmas - they get to have their nice meal on a different day instead (as a PP suggested). And should simply be grateful that they exist at all.

I think your DH should speak to their mum to see what she wants. Might she actually want them for Christmas Eve to Boxing Day (I know I would in her shoes) and you could see them in the days afterwards?

Thats not strictly true, is it? For starters we don't know he 'left' his first wife. She may have instigated the split. Secondly, he hasn't had to make the sacrifice as a result of the separation because both parents came to an arrangement that meant is wasn't necessary.
Its entering his new relationship that's caused the conflict, and so really both he and OP should have known what they were getting into if anyone should.

We used to have a similar situation with my DH and his ex. I managed to persuade them to make a change. We now do: one year we have his children Xmas Eve, we do our special meal together on Xmas eve, and get to do Santa and presents on Xmas morning. Then the kids are dropped to their by 9/10am, leaving us free to head to my parents. The alternative year we spend Xmas eve with my parents, kids with their mum then we collect 9/10am and have the rest of.l Xmas day with them to do presents and special meal. This has been working well for the last 5 years now

I am a step mum to a 10 year old, have been since she was 4 years old. I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old with step daughters dad. It is not reasonable for your partner to leave you and your life together on christmas day to pick up kids from a previous relationship. I adore my step daughter, genuinely love her - but boundaries are as important for YOU as they are for the kids. It is unreasonable to your own child that santa visits on boxing day, this needs to stop immediately in my opinion. I'd have a serious chat with your partner that you want to safeguard the family you are creating together, this includes your step kids, but there needs to be give and take. The whole day cannot be split this way, it's not fair. Stand your ground, I'll bet all of the kids will enjoy just staying in 1 place on Christmas anyway!

I always think it’s better for the children to alternate Christmas each year. We do Christmas Eve and Christmas Day one year, and Boxing Day the next with DSD. Always have done. Same when DS was seeing his dad. I remember Christmas when I was a child and the excitement of opening presents and getting new toys etc, I think it would have been really hard to then up and leave 4 hours later to go and do the same at another house rather than stay and enjoy all the new things. Alternating years means each household gets to enjoy the full day together.

Christmas is about the day and the traditions rather than the date if that makes sense? On the years we didn’t have DS, we just did our whole Christmas on Boxing Day and it was just as enjoyable!

@IncomingTraffic who isn't having a proper Xmas?

Absolutely no one has the exact same Xmas. No one.

The OP married someone who had children. She then chose to have a child who will always be part of a blended family.

The exact same way his existing children will.

With that reality there will always be compromise of some sort.

What the OP is proposing is her children will spend every Xmas day with their father and her SC not.

How it is currently all of his children get to spend time with him and his family on Xmas day.

They’re with you almost half the time and your parents don’t know them?

christ, blended families. Poor kids.

I don't think the drop-off and pick-up during the year has anything to do with the christmas situation. Maybe your partner could pick up his children after their christmas breakfast with their mother, to avaid your day being cut in half by him having to pick them up at 1 p.m. And then they can enjoy a full and festive day with their father, their baby sibling,and you, and then stay untill boxing day evening. It might be a nice time to bond with their sibling too! I think you have plenty of time to celebrate with your own side of the family on christmas eve, but maybe you could all be together for christmas lunch too - I suppose your family knows your husband has children from a first relationship.

@MariaVon says who?

My dd absolutely wouldn't or my SS.

Why isn't it reasonable? Why are your children more important that they can't be left on Xmas day but his daughter can?

I thank god my husband doesn't have a similar attitude about my dd and he sure as hell would have told me were to go if I put your suggested boundaries in place.

Santa should absolutely come to her children Xmas morning as for the rest of your post it's exactly the type of shit that makes people despise SM and their faux I love my SC really crap.

You’re asking him to prioritise his new child over his existing ones.

sorry 8 year old, we’ve got a 2.5 years now and the plans we’ve always had don’t work for me now.

you can’t change this every other year, that’s so mean.

why not instead change the timings of the day and discuss with their mum?

All his children exist.

yes people have different Christmases - but it’s very clear that their Christmas being shunted to Christmas Eve or Boxing Day is not what the OP considers a proper Christmas.

The children’s father will need to compromise - and figure out something that works better. It’s not ok for him to expect his wife and younger child to just fit into the margins of his contact arrangement.

Things change. He chose to remarry. He chose to have another child. That means things will inevitably change from what he’s previously agreed with his ex.

What exactly the arrangement might look like is in the ‘everyone does it differently’ category. But the idea that the OP and her children simply can never have a Christmas Day that feels like Christmas to her - and end up having to wait for the SC to arrive for things to happen - is not ok.

We are a conjoined family (all grown up now)
We alternated “German” Christmas (celebrated on Christmas Eve - Walk in the daytime returning to find the presents under the tree followed by Christmas dinner)
They were then picked up by our ex for bedtime with traditional English Christmas morning.
We alternated this.
As you say, gives you an uninterrupted Christmas Day. It’s just a question of forging new traditions

We’ve tried various versions of Christmas. The first year my ex came to mine for lunch as did my parents (also divorced) and it was lovely and fine. A few games and he would leave. The following year my DM refused to come as she has issues with the ex. My dad came by himself.

The following year, not wanting to upset my dm again and with the ex now having a new partner, we tried the splitting of the days. One of us did Xmas eve until just before lunch then the kids were collected for lunch and returned Boxing Day afternoon. This didn’t work massively well either. For the same reasons OP states. Kids also didn’t like getting up and opening presents then leaving them to go elsewhere. Similar reason I wanted to have my parents come to me rather than go to one of them. He also the wanted to drive on Christmas Day lunchtime several hours to his parents so they could do Christmas tea with them. I put my foot down to this as no kids want to spend hours travelling on Christmas Day. And his parents have never once visited here for Xmas after we did visit them one year and offered to alternate between his family and mine when together.

Now the new arrangement is to alternate. Christmas Eve until Christmas Day then to the other home for tea. Then then next person gets Christmas night and then Boxing Day to re do Christmas. Worked for a while but often ex was going to his parents across the country for Christmas and Boxing Day without the kids on his year off so started giving them their presents for the few days before Xmas when he had them as when he returned he had to go to work. Infuriated me as they then got early Xmas with him and real Xmas with me one year then real Xmas with him followed by extra Christmas with me. This means he often gets to do presents first every year and didn’t really care about the Santa thing. This often meant the present opening excitement wore off. I always had Santa deliver Christmas Eve whether they were with me or not, so presents were ready on Boxing Day when they arrived. I’d never dream of doing presents early as Santa doesn’t deliver early!! 🤦‍♀️. They are now the age where they probably don’t believe anymore but just haven’t confessed yet.

I think Christmas with split families I really hard. He now also has to factor in his other child he had with his next partner who he then split with.

DH had a shared Christmas every year and he has talked about how much he heated it. Him and his siblings ended up asking if they could do change to the full day in one place on alternate days.
You could ask the kids how they they feel about the current arrangement.

@Scalottia
Obviously, Xmas is for everyone, but there are aspects of Xmas that are focused more on young children. My children, as very young children, were up at the crack of dawn wanting to open gifts and to see what presents were under the tree. As they got older they wanted to sleep in, and were perfectly content to leave gift opening for after a late breakfast. They pretty much knew what was going to be there, because they had provided very detailed Xmas list.

Grandparents and extended family came over to our house for dinner and gifts were exchanged. This gave everyone time to do whatever Xmas morning rituals and traditions that they had in place.

No one seemed to find this timeline objectionable ,and the house was filled with family. The cousins as they reached teen years would as a group end the day by going to the movie theater.

Ask what the SDCs want and your DP.

If they want to keep it as it is, then you are going to have to live with that decision and not sit their quietly seething in the back ground.

After 5 years and not raising an issue till now and it is all about you and "your" family - it does come across as a little selfish. Your toddler will know no different that is what he has been brought up with.