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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

489 replies

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 09:41

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

OP posts:
CinnamonJellyBeans · 10/10/2023 22:31

YABU

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 22:33

uneffingbelievable · 10/10/2023 22:28

Ask what the SDCs want and your DP.

If they want to keep it as it is, then you are going to have to live with that decision and not sit their quietly seething in the back ground.

After 5 years and not raising an issue till now and it is all about you and "your" family - it does come across as a little selfish. Your toddler will know no different that is what he has been brought up with.

Or you could say that for 5 years it's been all about them and his family, at the expense of OP, and isn't that selfish of him. It's not selfish to stop putting up with something that's been problematic for you for years.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 22:44

Exactly @aSofaNearYou
It's not that I thought it was ideal until I had my child then changed my mind, I just put up with it but I'm starting to wonder if everyone has their head in the sand and nothing will ever change unless outside forces come into play, will he still be collecting them when they are 18 at 1pm on Christmas Day... I imagine so

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 10/10/2023 22:44

For transportation, it’s not about who instigated the divorce, but who created the issue of transportation being onerous. If he made a choice to live further away, then more or all of the burden should fall to him.

no matter what you might negotiate with your husband, none of it really matters because you need the ex to agree. Asking her to change the schedule or to start driving is something that could change how well their coparenting relationship is working. It has to be his decision as to whether that relationship can even handle asking for changes. What those changes end up being have to work for her as much as they work for you or they won’t happen.

whatever you do, don’t be one of those women who says the driving schedule has to change because you decided to have a baby. Having another child is optional. You have to go into it prepared for things to stay the same as they are now or to even get more complicated.

sandyhappypeople · 10/10/2023 22:45

I think you're perfectly polite about it all, but you're being unreasonable IMO.

I think you should all have a conversation about what works for everyone and more importantly, at the ages they are what the kids want to do. Trying to change Christmas just to suit you because you're not happy with the arrangement anymore isn't fair.

If his children have xmas dinner with their mum then asking to pick them up later in the afternoon may work better for her as well as yourselves, which would give you all time to have dinner with your parents (if that's what you do), he could leave you and the DC there to go and pick up his children, then all go home together when he's got them, but I'd try and see if you can re-jig the day to suit everyone if you can., saying he can't have a relaxed lunch because he can't have a glass of wine is silly.

Asking for them to sod off every other year so you can have your 'own' Christmas is V unreasonable.

You shouldn't be getting annoyed about your partner doing the running round either to be fair, he's the one that chose to move away from them and he seems to accept that's the way it is so you should probably leave that well alone.

WillowCraft · 10/10/2023 22:46

You're not unreasonable to want things to be changed as your Christmas is ruined each year as you can't have a decent dinner as your husband is out, and he won't let you go to your parents either which is unfair on you, them, and your children.

Suggesting the children come over on boxing day would probably be ideal from your point of view but I don't think it's reasonable to suggest that as the children will feel pushed out.

Possible compromises are the stepchildren come to yours either earlier (in time for lunch at yours or your parents), or later (after lunch like 6 pm), and/or their mum does half of the drop offs. You could suggest that one year the stepchildren come at 11, the next at 6?

I also think that if your husband doesn't want to change things he needs to be more flexible about you going to your parents without him. It's not fair for you to be home alone with a toddler for 2 hours at lunchtime on Christmas day when there's a perfectly good alternative option.

It would be nice too if your parents could extend the invitation to your stepchildren, they are going to remain part of the family if your marriage lasts, so saying they don't know each other is a bit ridiculous - they could say the same of your husband. It does depend on whether the stepchildren are keen on that idea. If your parents made it clear they can't be bothered then they probably won't want to go.

WillowCraft · 10/10/2023 22:53

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 16:33

Yes @MargotBamborough you get the situation. I didn't really want to say it but my parents hardly know my DSC they arnt top of the invite list.

That's really quite sad when you've been together since the youngest was 3. Why didn't you introduce your parents to.your step children? They could have got to know them well by now.

My brother has stepchildren and my parents have often spent Christmas day with the family (I have too a couple of times when I was single). My brother and his wife have also visited my parents and brought the children. It seems weird that he might have kept them separate from his family.

Takeabreather23 · 10/10/2023 22:53

I have a step mum , I’ve been a step mum ? I am a mum .

No way would I have 2 hrs of Xmas day spent driving. .
Talk to dh about starting things diff this year .
I see Xmas as three days when kids involved xmas eve , Xmas day , and Boxing Day .
If they lived closer I’d split it xmas eve then to other parents after Xmas dinner. They then get rest of xmas day and Boxing Day then change around next year . Both sets of parents see the kids on Xmas day.
I think you need a diff split xmas eve to Boxing Day and swap around the following year. .
If mum won’t play Fair then say she drives on Xmas day .

Mari9999 · 10/10/2023 22:56

@spookymooky1
It will probably change when they are older and have things that they would prefer doing. Just as your children will want to change their agendas when
they get older and want to do things differently.

At what age are you going to want to spend less time with your children? Do you have an age certain in place?

Hedgehog23 · 10/10/2023 22:57

What do your step kids think about Christmas? I think I would want to know what they want.

GirlOfTudor · 10/10/2023 22:58

My parents divorced when I was young. I always did Xmas day at one parents and boxing day at the next. It worked well for us and I always enjoyed it. I'd have hated the idea of splitting Xmas day and boxing day down the middle. Xmas day is for relaxing, not being shuttled from house to another.
If the above doesn't work, you could switch the days each year.

Takeabreather23 · 10/10/2023 23:00

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 13:48

So I'm seeing two thoughts in regards to travel and what's fair, some saying that it's his responsibility to do all the travelling as he instigated the divorce and some saying it should be shared, what do the courts say if it went there (he never went to court)

I’m sure The courts would say he moved away he does the travel abs at his cost.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 23:03

@Takeabreather23 he moved away because he left his wife the marital home, the area she lives in we will never be able to afford, he gave her everything in the divorce because he felt so guilty

OP posts:
Takeabreather23 · 10/10/2023 23:03

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 11:51

My DH is absolutely against us not being together on Christmas Day itself, he'd be deeply wounded if I suggested that I go to my parents on my own for Christmas. I would be prepared to make this compromise but he won't

You know you can decide for yourself . ?!
move read your updates and it’s all about your dh his dc and his exes what’s and needs .
Tell him you would like to talk and mention hanging xmas this year with step kids . If he says mo go to your parents with your child he can come or not.
You have to stand up for yourself be more confident in speaking up .

Imagwine · 10/10/2023 23:09

I think it’s fair to ask to move the time later so you can have lunch with your family, but it’s not fair to change it to alternate years if they are all happy with the current tradition. And yes fair to share pick ups.

Takeabreather23 · 10/10/2023 23:09

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 23:03

@Takeabreather23 he moved away because he left his wife the marital home, the area she lives in we will never be able to afford, he gave her everything in the divorce because he felt so guilty

There has been a previous post on here before about a women who moved away and she had to do the travel and pay for it.
I don’t think the reason why is taken into account ( and I think her dh was abusive )

cadburyegg · 10/10/2023 23:18

Every time I read one of these threads I'm glad I stayed a single mum 😂

Anyway, I agree that you need to ask the dc what they want. My dc would hate doing Christmas morning at their dad's with his partner and her kids but that's because they barely know them. If you have them 45% of the time then it's a bit different, although I imagine most parents would be able to have a good guess as to what their dc's preferences would be.

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 10/10/2023 23:19

I think suggesting alternating years so each of their parents get them for a full Christmas Day makes sense and is best for them.

However it does sound like what’s best for them isn’t your concern, more so what’s best for you and what you see as your family, which doesn’t appear to include your DSC.

Millybob · 10/10/2023 23:20

What do the children want? Does anyone ever ask them? I know I would have hated being driven around from one house to another in the middle of the day.

Sugarfree23 · 10/10/2023 23:50

Op nothing wrong with trying something new and if it doesn't work you can always revert back to the lunch time arrangement.

The lunch time thing just sounds rubbish for everyone.

I'm almost thinking it would make sense to collect the kids in the evening 8pm, home for bed and have a full Christmas the next day. Your LO sounds young enough not to know when Santa comes

Nepmarthiturn · 10/10/2023 23:54

Babyghirl · 10/10/2023 11:04

@spookymooky1
This is the first Christmas there's going to be a big change in my house hold, for 4 years of living together we will get to spend Christmas morning together for the first time, for 16 years my dp had went and set outside the ex house from 6.30 to wait on his dc getting out of bed to see what santa left, he has a 16 year old and an 8 year old and been like this, but this year we have a one year old so he will be spending it with us, the ex has yet to ask what the plans r she can't be gullible that he's going to leave us to go out to them, they are old enough to understand now are LG isn't, she never give him Christmas eve or day.

He spent 8 years sitting outside the house every Christmas morning until his older child woke up, before he and the child's mother decided to have a second child together? Why?

Nepmarthiturn · 11/10/2023 00:19

But that would be dictating that my family have a late Christmas lunch, I don't want to dictate to that degree, I wouldn't even suggest it

Hang on. You'd be happy to "suggest / dictate" that your husband's children don't see him or their mother on alternating Christmases, but feel it would be unreasonable to suggest your family merely eat a little later in the day?

That doesn't show much regard for your step-children.

Nepmarthiturn · 11/10/2023 00:19

Or, indeed, your husband.

Nepmarthiturn · 11/10/2023 00:21

Foreveristoolong · 10/10/2023 11:56

My dh used to have to do every other year where he collected his dc Xmas eve morning and took them back Boxing Day night. A long drive both ways till I said enough as it was great fri his dc but shit for ours.

Now he sees them every year 27 dec - 30 dec

That is awful. Poor kids.

Nepmarthiturn · 11/10/2023 01:26

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 16:17

That's its exactly it @MargotBamborough
I have tried to cook Christmas tea the last three christmases so we can have that about 6 ish, turkey, crackers etc but I'm left to do all the work while my husband is out, he arrives back with DSC, sometimes quite a bit later as they are never ready and they don't want to eat the tea.

So just tell him you are going to your family's house for Christmas lunch and will meet him and DSC back at your house afterwards. And bring him some leftovers.

Your issue appears to be your husband being ridiculous about you visiting your family while he is out collecting his children. So tell him to grow up. That is the obvious answer, not to try to stop him seeing his children every Christmas Day when that is not the source of the problem.