AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

[spookymooky1]

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

Yes @MargotBamborough you get the situation. I didn't really want to say it but my parents hardly know my DSC they arnt top of the invite list.

What would actually be better is if he picked them up in the evening, so he and the OP and her family could actually enjoy Christmas lunch.

Could you invite your parents to yours for Christmas Eve? And do Christmas Eve dinner as a main meal + presents for your kids - at least the ones from your side of the family + Santa? Pick a different but still special main course - salmon or beef wellington or something equally festive. Then you can feel like that’s the main event and your H can keep pretending to himself that he’s having Christmas main event with all his children when you serve turkey and crackers for dinner the next evening?

Of course that's an issue.

And from his point of view, if his children are eating Christmas lunch at 12 o'clock with their mother and the OP and her child are eating Christmas lunch at lunchtime with the OP's family, and nobody wants to eat a big meal in the evening. So her husband doesn't get any Christmas Dinner, unless he wants to cook a big meal himself that no one else wants to eat. I can see why that option isn't very appealing to him.

That wouldn't resolve the issue of what the OP and her husband do about their main Christmas meal though.

OP, would you be open to this?

It kind of does if OP reframes it in her mind (but not her H’s) as Christmas Eve dinner being the main event. This is actually the case where I live (not UK). - Kids stay up till midnight when Santa comes. They hide while he brings in the presents (pretending to be asleep) then open them. It is a sacrifice on OPs part, but if it make her more content without destroying her family unit she may feel it’s worthwhile.

Yes I'd be open to them coming later, makes much more sense

That isn't accurate - she said she didn't think their mum would want them to have them all of Christmas, not that she didn't want to. So she's angling for him to see them as he currently does every other year, and then not the following year. Not not at all.

Can your parents come to yours?

They could come in the morning.

Then DH can go and get his kids and your parents can either stay or go home.
(you can have Christmas dinner before he goes or when he comes home).

Then you can all have a chilled afternoon/evening and he can have his wine and you 3 have your Christmas dinner, whilst the DSC have snacky food or all have snacky food depending on whether you’ve eaten beforehand or not.

And then his parents can come on Boxing Day morning.

The mornings are the best part in my home, as that’s when Father Christmas has been and there’s all the excitement.

What time do you eat Christmas dinner?

I eat mine early but I know lots of families eat it quite late.

This would mean Christmas Day being a bit of a non event for the OP, her husband and their children though. That doesn't seem very fair, especially given that they don't live in a culture where Christmas Eve is the main event. I don't think it's reasonable to have to accept their Christmas Day being a damp squib every year just because no aspect of the current arrangements is allowed to change.

This

She's said they have Christmas Dinner in the evening because her husband is absent at lunchtime, but the children don't want to eat it.

Clearly it would make far more sense for the OP and her husband to eat at lunchtime, the same time as the stepchildren, and for the transfer to happen after the meal. With her husband and his ex wife alternating who does the drop off. Lunchtime is a massively antisocial time to do the handover. It messes everyone else's day up.

I did split Christmas Day as a child, with my sibling. After two years of trying to eat two Christmas dinners in one, I had to call time on that. It’s a lot of food! The split Christmas got old very quickly and I probably would have stopped years before I did, had my dad not been pretty relaxed about me going to see my friend up the road.

My exh and I do split Christmas with our daughter, we split when she was a very young, is 8 now. I’m open to her asking for the routine to be changed at some point. We live very close to each other though, so it’s barely a disruption which means she might not.

My partner and his ex are trialling split Christmas Day now as their previous arrangement was never going to work long term.

It’s the hour and a half disruption to the day that is the issue here, I think. The only fair way is if their mum gets involved with pick up/drop off. Appreciate your husbands logic on why he does it, but it’s years down the line now and he’s not moved a ridiculous distance away, 40 mins could easily be the same city after all. If it was 3 hours that would be a bit different.

OP I'm going to be finding myself in a similar position this year. First one with my own child and Christmas absolutely torn in half by contact that is gonna ruin my Christmas Day but be very convenient to SS mum (think all the nice bits and then her chilling with a glass of wine whilst partner leaves me to do all travel for a few hours contact). Nobody will be telling me I can't go to my family. If DP misses out then so be it but I'll be putting me and my own child first. How can he shut you down and dismiss you having a nice day too just because it doesn't fit in with his narrative. Previous Christmas's I've just sort of blended in and been left but now that I've got my own child I'll be doing my own thing... with or without him and if he thinks he is missing out then welcome to my world 🙃

Christmas Day is already a non event for OP.
Her husband is being inflexible so she can never spend it with her parents and children. She can’t make Xmas lunch because her H isn’t there. So she does Xmas dinner in the evening but half the people there have already eaten their Xmas meal at lunchtime.
I agree something needs to change. There are multiple options as to what that could be. Some of them require more cooperation from her H or his ex-wife than others.

Yes, I agree. And even if she's willing to put up with it now, it also condemns her child and any future children they may have to shit Christmases, which isn't fair on them. They didn't ask to be their dad's second family.

Yes I agree that it would be easier for everyone if they ate Christmas dinner before he goes to get them.

Then they can all just relax afterwards and have a light tea.

Also none of the solutions are perfect. But even without a blended family there usually has to be some compromise - see all the threads on how to balance seeing both sets of grandparents at Xmas. At the moment the set-up is a bit crap for all of the people involved. OP, her H, his ex, and all the grandparents and kids. So solutions need to be judged against that and not against anyone’s ideal set-up. No one involved is realistically going to get their ideal Xmas every year.

Ask the kids and their mum what's best

Definitely ask. DSD used to have a split Christmas Day and be picked up at 12/1ish which is an awful time.

They now alternate every year so one year dsd will be pick up on Christmas Eve to have all day Christmas Day until Boxing Day morning.

Following year picked up Boxing Day morning and have all day Boxing Day till following day.

It works well. Much better than a split day. Plus we always said that they open their presents in the morn and then never really get to play with them and like you said it difficult with dinner plans and someone's got to spend the day travelling 🤷🏼‍♀️.

They can't decide what's best for OP

I would say to my husband that I want to see my family at least every other Christmas. That's not an unreasonable thing to do. He'd be welcome to move his plans around if he can so he/DSC can come too, but if he can't, I would still be going.

He doesn't get to dictate whether you see your family on Christmas Day. He's not your boss!

Well thats kind of shit for the OP dh that his in-laws don't consider the circumstances of their daughters family which includes step children.

They do I assume know your DH and your child who is their sibling? Common sense would usually kick in that you know they may need to be considered I would have thought.

But it's actually a perfect example of the many ways kids in blended families get forgotten about. Out of sight out of mind.

My MIL is an absolute star because my husband family is made up of single parents/blended families so there is always comings and goings with the kids she would never suggest having a Christmas meal at lunch time.

My siblings all have inlaws they visit so neither would my parents.

But I have never understood eating your Christmas meal at lunch time, that would be so unusual were we live. My kids have barely stopped eating selection box's by that time.

Be that as it may, everyone else involved in the situation is having their Christmas meal at lunchtime so it makes the most sense for the OP and her husband to do that too.