I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

I would definitely prioritise my mum over very young children in terms of gift giving. Especially if one of the kids is a small baby who won't even know what is going on. No-one really wants 'handmade bits from the kids' anyway, so you are definitely BU as presenting that as a good thing. Can't you get your mum a few nice things from Vinted?

We buy for kids but get adults a tree present for £5-10. Would that be possible? What sort of money is she wanting to be spent?

Your mum did not respond for three days and you did not check on her?

I think she's right to be hurt.

To clarify. I do NOT think you should get into debt, but would it kill to make some fudge or a cake or a plant in a pretty pot or a lovely photo of your kids in a new frame from a charity shop.

Think outside the box. If your mum is good to you. Apologise and tell her that money worries made you a little thoughtless

I don't know how tight your budget for Christmas is but, if you are close to your DM and she helps out regularly, I think you should buy her a small gift. It's easy to buy a box of chocolates or small toiletry item for £5 or so and wrap it nicely. Surely you can afford that.

I think she is not BU for being hurt. Some people do link material gifts to love and appreciation (although I don't). But she is definitely BU to state that and guilt trip you as she should be aware COL is going up for everyone.

Did you tell your Mum that you were not even going to get a gift for your DH or he for you this year? If so your Mum is being very unreasonable. My Mum was always telling me and my sister's, not to buy for her but to spend the money on the DC. Do not under any circumstances go into debt because your Mum is pressuring you.

But surely anything you do for your family is unconditional? I don’t expect a gift or a favour just because I’ve done something for my dc or dgc.
And as for going into debt for Xmas gifts, no, I’d be horrified at this.
Your mum is being very unfair.

And you are being sensible!

From her reply I am assuming that she has done a lot of childcare etc for you this year.

How old are your kids? You say that you have to make it a good Christmas for them. Are you talking about buying them a mound of presents this years. Are you planning to buy your new born presents?

I think perhaps the wording of your text has upset her. It probably does sound to her that you do not want to waste your husband's money on her. If she has done a lot maybe she had expected you both to put a small amount aside to purchase her a gift. You knew both your unpaid Maternity Leave and Christmas was coming. You don't need to get into debt but rather take a bit of time to browse ebay etc for a nice gift for her. You can often pick up new or really good second hand items.

Just a thought OP, but does your Mum get Xmas gifts from anyone else? It might be your gift is all she would get. If that was the case I'd buy her something. DH and I carry on buying for his brother because he doesn't have friends or go out, no gf or partner, just a few work colleagues but they don't exchange Xmas gifts. My MiL is now very elderly and BiL gets a gift from her but once she dies he won't get one anymore. That's why when DH suggested stopping buying BiL a Xmas gift I said we should continue because I think it would be awkward if we stopped and then if MiL passed away BiL got no Xmas gifts at all and it would look like we pitted him if we then started them up again.

I couldn't go through Christmas and not get anything for my mum. Make her something, bake her something, or get her something small but thoughtful. It's so important to let everyone know you care. You don't have to go into debt in order to do it, however you only get a limited number of Christmases with your parents, so I wouldn't be telling them they were getting nothing this year.

Your mum sounds refreshingly honest. She obviously sees gifts as an indication of care and appreciation for the person rather than 'for the sake of it' and is upset you don't see her as warranting one.
Rightly or wrongly I think a lot of people would agree, it's just that most would keep it to themselves and feel resentful and hurt, or moan to other people.
Your mum has the right to feel how she feels and is at least doing you the courtesy of being transparent about it so you can resolve as adults without it festering.
You have lots of options for how you respond.
Double down and explain to her that no, there won't be a gift because you feel differently from her.
Explain you can't afford a gift but would like to do x or y thing for her instead.
Give her something cheap and thoughtful.
Suggest your H buys her a gift as a thank you for the childcare he has benefitted from.

That was a conversation that should have taken place face to face. It sounds rude and flippant by text.

That was so thoughtful of you. Memories are so precious.

YANBU

As someone else who will also be on the unpaid part of maternity leave at Christmas we are also only doing gifts for the kids and we’ll be hosting Christmas Day at our house (as we normally do). We have told grandparents/family this and they are more than happy and have even offered to chip in for the cost of Christmas dinner. Your mum is definitely being unreasonable and perhaps she needs to learn what the spirit of Christmas is all about again.

Sorry OP but I find it hard to believe you couldn’t skip a take away or day out and put that money aside to buy her a present , particularly as she helps out with your DC. A lot of my friends who claim things are tight often seem to find money for coffee, zoo trips or a take away. Unless you have zero disposable income YABU.

I think you could make some effort. £20 on a credit card to buy your mum some perfume or chocolate or a pretty jumper ot something isn't exactly going to have the bailiffs round.

It's a two way process. You rely on her to help with DC, which she does and probably enjoys for the most part, but you also need to make her feel appreciated. A small, thoughtful present sends that signal.

Doesn't need to be expensive, just something that will make her smile. The idea of a framed photo or nice plant in a pretty pot wouldn't break the bank.
The baby will be happiest with wrapping paper and a few boxes!

This exactly!

I think her feelings are probably hurt as you’ve prioritised everything over her. Unless you are destitute, you have put her at the bottom of the pile of what you’re willing to spend on, and that hurts.

It's pointless everyone suggesting that she just gets her mum a pot plant or some chocolates when her mum might be expecting some Tiffany jewellery or the latest iPad for all we know.

The OP hasn't said.

I'm on the fence, are things that bad that you can't afford a token supermarket bouquet of flowers, plant, or a box of chocolates? How much do you routinely spend? I don't think you should get into credit card debt to cover the costs, neither do I think you should purchase Poundland tat. I do think that there's a middle ground though.

If I was in this situation my mum would tell me not to buy her a present before I had a chance to.

But then again I would buy her something as she does alot for me.

I think you could spare 20quid for wine and chocolates at least.

Does your mum do as much for you as she claims? Personally I can't imagine not buying mine something for Christmas. I'm not really surprised she's hurt.