I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

It sounds like gift giving is very important to your mother. And there is nothing wrong with that.

The 5 love languages, which have their fair share of criticism, explicitly mentions gift giving. But the idea that people need different things to feel loved and appreciated (whether that is in a romantic or familial relationship) is very valid (IMO).

I perfectly understand not wanting to go into debt for this (obviously). But there are other options. Gifting experiences (which can be great for adults if done right), a handmade gift from you - not your DC - might have been something she would have appreciated.

I have also found really great stuff at flee markets (not the hyped-up kind) or some charity shops.

Me too.
If that means getting my kids slightly less but at least my mum would get one present, I'd do that.
You don't need to spoil your kids with piles of presents.

Seriously? A grown woman sent this? My Mum would beyond annoyed if she thought I'd got her a present on my credit card! A handmade gift from the children should be treasured never mind looked down on, what a cow!

tbh I think if your mum helps you should get her a gift - maybe not for your siblings or anyone else other than your kids, but I'd place my mum in the same category as my kids, especially if she helped out.

I think it would be nice to get her a little something rather than absolutely nothing. She seems genuinely hurt by your apparent lack of appreciation rather than grabby. I’d give her a call to discuss it, life is too short.

And I am sure it was much easier for the OP to just say, " "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"
Instead of something like, "Mum, things are really tight this year and I am betting it is for you too. I appreciate everything you do for me and I love you. This year I need an idea of things that would please you that are under 10 pounds. I cannot forget you, but it's just tight this year."

I mean, really? "to buy people things for the sake of it?" So rude and uncaring, if she does indeed do a lot to help the OP.

So you weren’t chatting, you were messaging her? Maybe a face to face chat rather than a message would have been more appropriate?

100% agree.
I also got the impression that OP`s mother couldn´t expect any kind of gift from OP personally.

I never give my father Christmas gifts. And he doesn´t mind (he doesn´t give me anything either). But I have always given my mother something. Because I know that it means a lot to her. Even "just" a tin of homemade cookies or her favourite lip balm (when I was at uni).

It often isn´t about the financial aspect but the emotional aspect of giving and receiving gifts.

honestly i would feel a bit stingy if ur mum genuinely helps u out a lot i would have prioritised her in, but depends on what doing a
lot is? if she is helping a few times a
week doing school runs etc overnights etc then yes she deserves to be included, even if it's
only £20 or something and a
promise when u go back to work u will treat her.
on the other hand it's very self entitled her expectations and a bit embarrassing to think of herself so entitled.

your choice and she can suck it up.

Easy enough. Tell her you're sorry she feels like that, that of course she should skip gift buying for your household and treat herself to something she's wanting.

I'd be refusing help as well if she sees it as transactional.

This is a difficult one. She does sound a little childish on the face of it, but when you say she does a lot for you, what does this mean. I ask as many grandparents get expected to provide lots of unpaid childcare. I’ve seen people in my one family take the biscuit with this, and go out on nice meals with free child care.

i have no idea what you normally buy each other, but it maybe she’s just looking for some kind of treat or spoiling and a show of appreciation rather than expectation. Albeit she’s handled it badly, we don’t know the context of what level of support she provides and how much she may see you and your husband doing things for yourselves.
my mum used to get very upset with my younger sister who simply expected childcare on tap as a matter of course.

an iou for a nice day out once your back at work could be a good option.

My perfect Christmas present is things made by my grandchildren.

I can't imagine not getting my mum even something tbh, especially if she helps out your family.

Are you not going to answer the question about how much she helps you op?

This is your mum. Even if I was on the breadline I’d prioritise a small gift for her.

I think it’s mean, especially as your mum helps you out a lot. You don’t need to spend a lot to give a nice present.

When we were both unemployed for a period of time I still managed to give nice presents by putting low cost bits and bobs together. Everybody understood that money was tight and appreciated the effort all the more.

You can pick up nice candles, hand creams, lip balms etc for a couple of pounds if you keep an eye out in the clearance section at tk max, boots, m&s etc. A nice photo of the kids in a frame from the pound shop - get the kids to decorate the frame. Add homemade fudge/shortbread/whatever you can make that the recipient will like. If you knit, sew, embroider then all the better.

Fancy??

Op is not playing Chinese whisper.

Difficult to respond without knowing what yr mum classifies as a gift. I sort of agree that you should get her something that shows care and thought, but think this can be a notional gift costing a fiver or a tenner. I even thought further to think what I might like that cost virtually nothing - an embroidered cushion cover (embroidered by you) which says 'my daughter made this because she loves me' came to mind. (I'm not called weird for nothing). I'm sure there is something like this. A tangible expression of love at low cost.

This is tricky, with the way she talked about the things she does for you, my first thought is that it sounds like she might inconveniencing herself to save you and your husband hundreds to thousands in childcare fee and you don’t do anything in return and at Christmas, you can’t even be bothered to maybe spend £10 on a thoughtful gift or a handmade present from you like maybe you bake her a cake, cookies, etc or something, all you feel she’s worth is some handmade bits from the kids. I can see why she’s upset.
Obviously, it’s unreasonable to get into credit for Christmas but spending £10 to make up a thoughtful gift wouldn’t do that.
I know people who take their parents for granted in real life, one’s mum is single so on one income but reduced her hours at work so she can do school drop offs and pick ups for her daughter everyday saving them almost £600 in wrap around care fee but they never acknowledge or appreciate the grand mother but the moment she asked to be paid £50 a week because of COL increase, they made such a big noise about it, making out that she’s being unfair.

It’ll be nice if you think about the things she does for you and even if it means reducing what you buy for the kids by £10 just so you can do something for her.

What a shame for your mum. It would be a nice gesture to buy her gift to show your appreciation, especially if she helps out a lot. It's the thought that counts.

This is what I was thinking, Alsoi personally would have said something verbally rather than texting !
It is nice ,speaking as a grandparent ,to feel appreciated even by a small thoughtful gift .

It is the thought that counts but some people don’t appreciate the thought.

I have relatives who would turn their nose up at a pot plant, bottle of fizz, small box of chocs type present, even if I had said to them that money was tight and we couldn’t afford it this year.

An IOU voucher usually works well in these cases, especially if your mum does do a lot for you.

I'm guessing she isn't hurt because she won't get a gift but maybe she is hurt because you have lumped her in with everyone else that is not getting a gift. She probably wants to feel special and that you aren't taking her for granted. Maybe just explaining to her that she is very special to you and that you are grateful and that that can't express it with a token box of chocolates might make her feel better.

I get the sentiment but I think I would be upset by the way you phrased it.

“getting people things for the sake of it”

firstly, it sounds like she doesn’t want to be lumped in with the general “people” because in her opinion she goes above and beyond what general “people” do for you and she therefore hopes she’s a bit special to you.

”for the sake of it”. I imagine she hopes that any gift, be it a Freddo or a Porsche, is given to her because you love and appreciate her, not “for the sake of it”

in that sentence you have given her the impression that you don’t care about her - regardless of finances.

If you do t have the money then you don't have it, I think she is being very selfish

Is she doing unpaid childcare for you?