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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my mum but AIBU?

584 replies

CRivers · 10/10/2023 08:30

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

OP posts:
Enko · 10/10/2023 11:39

I do think it depends on how much she does for you and how often. Is she a close core part of your family? Do you rely on her help?
Also yes the whole how many buys her presents matter. Our 4 have agreed to do secret santa this year between them. Dh then piped up with "oh don't buy us anything" and I am like. Actually I do want something as noone else will buy me a present apart from dh and he is AWFUL at present giving. Will go out on the 24th for what ever he happens to find.

I did say I was happy for the 4 of them to get together for 1 present of £20 or so (£5 each) I'm not expecting loads but a thoughtful present is important.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/10/2023 11:41

I could never not get my Mum a Christmas present. I’d rather spend a tenner less on each of the children. Many of us are feeling the pinch but if I sent out a text saying ‘Soz, not buying presents for anyone, you can have a handmade bauble.’ I would expect a backlash and family fallouts.

Lovingitallnow · 10/10/2023 11:42

Is the inference that you only buy presents for the sake of it rather than to show love and appreciation?

Moveoverdarlin · 10/10/2023 11:42

Like others have said, if she babysits and does childcare for you and saves you hundreds of pounds a month, not spending £20 does seem mean.

Redpaisley · 10/10/2023 11:44

AbbeyGailsParty · 10/10/2023 11:21

But surely anything you do for your family is unconditional? I don’t expect a gift or a favour just because I’ve done something for my dc or dgc.
And as for going into debt for Xmas gifts, no, I’d be horrified at this.
Your mum is being very unfair.

And you are being sensible!

If OP is getting in a debt buying her mum a £20 gift, she should reconsider preparing for Christmas and buying gifts for kids because that will definitely cost a lot more money.

Like a poster above said, parents with youbg kids get very self involved and see their parents as helping resources and don't care about that relationship, I think thats what has happened here. 9 pages in, Op hasn't even responded to repeated questions posters asked.

Azaeleasinbloom · 10/10/2023 11:46

I think it’s fine to say presents for kids only, as long as you are applying that to everyone. So you agree you & DH don’t accept presents from your parents etc.
Your mum is being rude expecting a gift at any time , but right now, when you are on maternity leave with all the cost of a newborn, plus COL price hikes, she sounds a bit grabby to me. That sai, if she does do a lot for your family, perhaps plan a treat for her for after Christmas when things are easier, and tell her about it ahead of time so she knows that you do appreciate her

Pr1mr0se · 10/10/2023 11:52

I think your mum doesn't feel you value her. She has expectations that she'll get a present at Christmas by way of a thankyou for her supporting you all year. A gift to show appreciation shouldn't cost more than a tenner.

theleafandnotthetree · 10/10/2023 11:53

I had at least two Christmases where I really was on the bones of my arse - and many more since where money is very tight - but I would have actually been ashamed of myself as an adult not to have given my (zero expectations!) parents a present. Every time I go in to a charity shop I keep my eye out for books I think my mum would enjoy so I present her with a big bundle of those anyway every Christmas and birthday. She appreciates both the books and the time and the thoughtfulness. I will usually also give her a jumper or blouse or something too, maybe 20 pounds worth. I would happily spend a bit less on my children and obviously myself so that I can at least do that. Bloody hell..

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/10/2023 11:55

"I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

Honestly OP, you don't seem to genuinely appreciate what your mum does for you and your family. If you didn't have her help, how much extra £ would you have to find to cover the loss of her contribution? Things are so tight for most people but telling her that in essence she's worth nothing more than a few sticky spray painted pasta pictures from your kids is very poor on your part. Let's hope for all your sakes that she doesn't impose similar limits on her goodwill towards you and your family.

DisquietintheRanks · 10/10/2023 11:58

I can see why she's hurt. I'm also not convinced that buying your mum a small gift would be the difference bw building up debts or not. But whatever, now you both know where you stand.

BellaAndDave · 10/10/2023 12:01

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/10/2023 11:55

"I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

Honestly OP, you don't seem to genuinely appreciate what your mum does for you and your family. If you didn't have her help, how much extra £ would you have to find to cover the loss of her contribution? Things are so tight for most people but telling her that in essence she's worth nothing more than a few sticky spray painted pasta pictures from your kids is very poor on your part. Let's hope for all your sakes that she doesn't impose similar limits on her goodwill towards you and your family.

I agree with you and the quote is what stood out to me when I read the OP. If I’d received that message I’d have been hurt too, it’s not about the gift, it was the way the message was worded. It was very rude imo.

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 12:02

Of course I will be giving you a present Mum, I thought to mention now it might be home made or baked goods as we only have one wage coming in. I am sure you wouldn’t want us to fall into debt. It goes without saying we don’t expect you to buy anything for dh and I. Lots of love Op

Mikimoto · 10/10/2023 12:03

theleafandnotthetree · 10/10/2023 11:53

I had at least two Christmases where I really was on the bones of my arse - and many more since where money is very tight - but I would have actually been ashamed of myself as an adult not to have given my (zero expectations!) parents a present. Every time I go in to a charity shop I keep my eye out for books I think my mum would enjoy so I present her with a big bundle of those anyway every Christmas and birthday. She appreciates both the books and the time and the thoughtfulness. I will usually also give her a jumper or blouse or something too, maybe 20 pounds worth. I would happily spend a bit less on my children and obviously myself so that I can at least do that. Bloody hell..

LOVE the book idea! I'd be in heaven receiving that for Xmas!

Mummyofbananas · 10/10/2023 12:04

I think she's being unreasonable in her reaction but I think if she does a lot for you a wee thing for her would be fair and a nice thing to do. Even arranging that you'll do a wee spa day sort of thing after christmas, something to look forward to which means you won't have to pay for it before hand.

Gmary20 · 10/10/2023 12:07

It sounds like she feels under appreciated.

JMaggs93 · 10/10/2023 12:08

The mother is being unreasonable. Handmade things are much more thoughtful and personal. 'Cutting back on the kids' presents' is a stupid idea, the mother has had her fair share of Christmases throughout her life and the children should be prioritised on Christmas.

toomuchfaff · 10/10/2023 12:09

there isn't enough information, it's not clear; she hasn't specifically said she is upset that she isn't getting a present, she could be upset that she isn't a thought, you can give a gift without it costing the earth, it could be homemade, heartfelt - etc. maybe she thinks that you've just said yeah fk you I'm spending 1k on the kids this year and you're getting nowt... whereas if you're actually saying yeah the kids are having £100 each, money is super tight, neither of us are buying gifts for each other either and no one else is getting anything... effort vs expenditure is where you could pull it back in... bake some cookies from the kids, handmade cards, something that shows that she is appreciated?

PembrokeshireWitch · 10/10/2023 12:12

The OP was not wrong to manage her mum’s expectations, esp as it seems from the original post that the mum had a list of Christmas wants already prepared. I help my children , and would hate that they felt obliged to give me anything in return. So, no, the OP is not being unreasonable.

theleafandnotthetree · 10/10/2023 12:16

JMaggs93 · 10/10/2023 12:08

The mother is being unreasonable. Handmade things are much more thoughtful and personal. 'Cutting back on the kids' presents' is a stupid idea, the mother has had her fair share of Christmases throughout her life and the children should be prioritised on Christmas.

You see I really have a problem with this 'children should be prioritised' above all else thing. So far as I can see in lots of families nowadays, they are the only ones prioritised when in reality, they (on average) have never had so much, had so much done for them, etc. all year round as well as at Christmas. I see people spending what I consider to be insane amounts on children to the detriment of themselves or as in this case, relationships and connections with other family members. These children will also have lots of Christmasses, they're not dying or anything and they are just one cog within the family. Everyone matters, and as an aside, I don't this deification and over prioritisation of children's wants (not needs( has done them any favours either. Not exactly jumping for joy are they..

SawX · 10/10/2023 12:17

I'd bet a good chunk of money this isn't about Christmas presents at all but her generally feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of by you and your husband.

Lovelymoon · 10/10/2023 12:21

Wow. I definitely don’t think you’re BU. If she was offering childcare in exchange for birthday and Christmas gifts, she really should have specified. The fact she’s currently helping you with the kids etc, would suggest to me that she’s happy with the current set up

JustAMinutePleass · 10/10/2023 12:21

You need to tot up what she’s saved you and your DH to allow you to go onto unpaid maternity and put a value on that. Maybe then you will realise how much your Mum does for you (eg had to pay £50 just to have someone watch DS for 3 hours do I could go to a hospital appointment). I don’t think a £10 box of chocolates is too much

excelledyourself · 10/10/2023 12:22

and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially.

Why does she say "this year especially"?

Gettingbysomehow · 10/10/2023 12:23

I think adults get very infantalised at xmas time. I'm not a christian myself but christmas is supposed to be about the birth of Christ. When did it turn into an orgy of gift giving?
I don't celebrate it in any way, shape or form because I can't see the point of it and I'm sick of going into the new year in debt. Plus my DS is an adult and feels the same way.
Why would I have a dead tree in my house?
My relatives are aghast that I won't have anything to do with it. But think about it, insane traffic for all of December, shops crammed with angry people, more food than you can eat, adults in tears because their husbands haven't bought them a decent gift. WTF!
The best christmases I ever had as a child lasted for one day only, involved church going and a few simple gifts and spending quality time with people you loved. That was enough.
Now it's so stressful nobody can enjoy it and the children are completely overwhelmed.

MikeRafone · 10/10/2023 12:23

What does your mum help with?