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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my mum but AIBU?

584 replies

CRivers · 10/10/2023 08:30

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

OP posts:
BBQchickensalad · 10/10/2023 10:16

I don't do gifts with one of my grown children because of reasons initiated by them and there's never been any hard feelings about it. I totally understand where they are coming from and enjoy seeing them regularly over the year instead. Now if she'd put it to me the way you did OP, I'd be hurt. You certainly let your Mum know where she ranks with you.

easylikeasundaymorn · 10/10/2023 10:17

Lurker85 · 10/10/2023 10:06

It doesn’t look like the majority of people have actually read the post properly. OP has said she will give her homemade gifts, so her moms issue isn’t that she won’t get gifts, it’s that her daughter isn’t spending money she doesn’t have on her. My mom would prefer homemade gifts but clearly OPs mom is more materialistic and money means more to her than time, thought, and her daughters financial stability.

Edited

I think you haven't read it properly. She said "hand made BITS FROM THE KIDS" which to me suggests a drawing or some craft they've made in school which I'm sure is very cute but isn't a gift as such, in the way homemade presents from adults who are good at crafts (i.e. Homemade candles, jumpers, cushions, whatever) can be a nice gift.

OP hasn't said herself that she made any suggestions to do something free or low cost to support her mother which she could have,like "mum I'm sorry I can't afford to buy you a big present but how about I cook Christmas Dinner this year as a thanks for how much you've helped me, so you can just sit back and relax?"

Because OP hasn't come back we don't know what the mother is expecting but I don't think that expecting your daughter to spend maybe a tenner on a nice candle or your favourite chocolates or something personal that you know she'll like as an acknowledgement that you've spent a great deal of time and effort (and probably saved her thousands in childcare) supporting her is necessarily greedy or materialistic.

ColleenDonaghy · 10/10/2023 10:17

RudsyFarmer · 10/10/2023 10:08

I’m going to guess there’s some messy backstory as the inference to me was that a gift outside of the expected financial perimeters just wasn’t going to cut it and the tantrum that ensued would happen because of that, plant or no plant.

Show quote history

It may well be, but that's not how I read it at all. The mum waited three days and send a carefully worded message that focuses on all she does for OP and her husband. It reads to me that the mum is hurt at the lack of appreciation.

I know a fair few grannies who are effectively third parents to their grandchildren they do so much for them. Some are appreciated and it's just a lovely close family. Others are completely taken for granted and it's really sad to see. (Especially as someone with no family nearby who fully sees all that those grannies do to make the parents' lives easier!)

Messymaker · 10/10/2023 10:20

Why do you need to run a bill go get your mum a present? I think it's more so the thought that counts and she clearly just wants to be considered by her child that she does alot for still.

Maybe just get her a box of chocolates, some flowers. Just anything to show you care

Snugglemonkey · 10/10/2023 10:20

It is hard to tell if you are being unreasonable with no idea of how much she does, or what kind of gifts were on her wishlist.

Tourmalines · 10/10/2023 10:21

You told her you are not going to buy things for PEOPLE , just for the SAKE of it . This message comes across so mean . You really chose such bad wording or is that how you see her , just another person ? You see her as any Tom, dick , or harry basically. No wonder she was upset . Get some Tom, dick or harry to help your family from now on . I hope you told her not to buy you anything also .

updownleftrightstart · 10/10/2023 10:21

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 10:02

If having another child put you on the breadline to the extent you can’t afford to buy your own mother a gift then I’d be wondering why you brought that financial burden on yourself and your kids

YABU

This is probably a little harsher than how I would have worded it, but people do generally have a lot of notice that their income will be dropping. You're pregnant for quite a while, surely costs like this are considered when working out maternity leave?
It's also not entirely necessary to take that much maternity leave that you go into the unpaid portion. If things were that tight for me that I couldn't even buy a present for my mum, I'd be returning to work slightly early.
I also think kids need very little at Christmas when they're young and I can see why the mum would feel unappreciated especially as it sounds like she does a lot.

Messymaker · 10/10/2023 10:22

Personally, children aside. I always make my mum a priority at Christmas time whether I'm financially stretched or not. So I find this mentality abit weird to understand unless you aren't close or don't have a good relationship with your own mum.

They do so much for us all year round. Why wouldn't you want to reciprocate it

Mmhmmn · 10/10/2023 10:23

Obviously it’s not the present she’s upset about. It’s the lack of consideration and appreciation of her despite how much she helps you out. And she probably feels doubly bad because she shouldn’t have to be the one to point out that she helps you. Other people don’t cease to exist when you reproduce. It should be possible to give her something and kids don’t need rakes of stuff.
Was this your idea or your husband’s?
Christmas isn’t about giving anyone rakes of stuff, it has got out of control but you can still show the people who matter that you’re thinking of them and appreciate them.

phoenixrosehere · 10/10/2023 10:23

YANBU

It reads like she told you a list of gifts she wanted that were not inexpensive and out of your budget and you let her know in advance that you couldn’t afford those things. She was still going to receive handmade gifts just not anything that is out of your family budget.

The way she worded her message sounds transactional. I know DH’s parents and my own would understand and wouldn’t be mentioning that one of us is still working therefore they should get a bought gift.

Cluelessat33 · 10/10/2023 10:23

Honestly, this is shocking. I mean you haven't said you won't be giving. Just that you won't be buying. I've often handmade presents before. Such a shame this is the attitude about giving and receiving.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/10/2023 10:24

At least your Mum didn't do the silent huff treatment, expecting you to telepathically work out what she's mad about.
That is actually a good thing.
This means you can fix it.
Your mum was hurt because she does a lot for you. If she's generally helpful and doesn't frequently guilt trip you, She may not have understood the issues fully. You may not have expressed it properly.
She may just feel underappreciated and perhaps she thinks she will get very very few presents this year.
Talk to her.
Think of something you can do for her to make a bit of a fuss of her - that doesn't need to cost much. Maybe invite her to a pre Christmas fun day with the kids, not where she has to childcare but where she can join in their excitement. A token present from each of them as you thought of - some homemade edibles.
Or take her to lunch one on one.
Plenty of time for you to fix this, so that you both feel better - best of luck.

Goldfish41 · 10/10/2023 10:24

CeeChynaa · 10/10/2023 09:08

It also sounded a bit rude to say ‘for the sake of it’ as if she genuinely doesn’t deserve anything

Yeah… I can’t really imagine not getting my mum something however small especially if she’s been supportive with childcare etc which it sounds like?

The comment about doing it “for the sake of it” makes it sound like you don’t appreciate her at all.

Gymnopedie · 10/10/2023 10:25

I think it's significant that this kicked off because the mother, in October, was telling the OP what she wants for Christmas. To me that suggests that possibly she can be a bit grabby and a box of chocolates and a pot plant might not cut it.

dawngreen · 10/10/2023 10:26

Charity shops near me sell gifts from boots, and they look brand new, if you peel off the stickers carefully no one would know. But then every one would expect a gift too maybe.

Mmhmmn · 10/10/2023 10:26

Gymnopedie · 10/10/2023 10:25

I think it's significant that this kicked off because the mother, in October, was telling the OP what she wants for Christmas. To me that suggests that possibly she can be a bit grabby and a box of chocolates and a pot plant might not cut it.

This is true!

AishaMushtaq · 10/10/2023 10:26

No, you're not being unreasonable. You're making a responsible decision based on your financial situation and ensuring a good Christmas for your children. Your mom may not fully understand your financial constraints, but your decision is reasonable given your circumstances.

IndysMamaRex · 10/10/2023 10:27

Wow is she living on a different planet? Clearly a very very long time since she had young kids, mortgage & everything else to worry about.

your doing the right thing not getting in debt for Christmas so just tell her to stop being so childish. So many families are struggling atm so why would your own mother want to add to that pressure?

if it helps my sister who is expecting her 1st next year has asked if it’s ok not to do presents cos her & husband are trying to save every penny for when she is on maternity etc. I said absolutely no problem instead of a present we are spending time together & having a movie/DIY pamper day me, sister & our mum

Snowdayplease · 10/10/2023 10:28

Ordinarily I would agree it's very early for this conversation, but the Op has already decided what she and her dh are doing about Christmas presents this year so they just seem to be a family who does this well in advance!!

lemmein · 10/10/2023 10:29

newYear10 · 10/10/2023 09:13

What kind of mother puts pressure on her child to buy stupid gifts knowing how tight it would be this year. Your mother is embarrassing and needs to grow up.

This.

I have adult DCs and can't imagine ever sending them that text.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/10/2023 10:30

Gymnopedie · 10/10/2023 10:25

I think it's significant that this kicked off because the mother, in October, was telling the OP what she wants for Christmas. To me that suggests that possibly she can be a bit grabby and a box of chocolates and a pot plant might not cut it.

I thought from the post that it was OP who began it by telling her mother she wasn't buying presents this year. But I think she expressed it very poorly and the mother feels under appreciated given how supportive she is with childcare.

That's the issue the OP needs to address and a few gifts won't fix it unless she communicates better with the DM - the DM told her it was hurtful. At least she told her how she was feeling.

StarDolphins · 10/10/2023 10:30

I think there’s a big difference between getting into debt and buying a small gift to show appreciation for what sounds like a helpful mum.

i also would’ve insisted & started the conversation with ‘please only buy for the children if you want to & not for me as I won’t be able to buy for the adults this year’

Box of nice chocs & some flowers or candle won’t put you in credit card debt, I would spend a tenner less on the kids to do so if she provides help to you.

Christmasbroughtmeback · 10/10/2023 10:31

Why are you texting your mum something like this rather than calling her or talking face to face - so much gets lost in a text in terms of tone and nuance. You also didn't say you didn't expect anything in return. You lumped her in with everyone else when she isn't everyone else she is helping you and your DH raise your children. She sounds like she wants to be acknowledged, which isn't really that much to ask.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/10/2023 10:32

I'm sick to death of all this pressure at xmas constantly and adults going into a massive sulk because they are not getting anything.
When I was a very poor single mum some years ago now my parents would always expect lavish presents from me - they didn't even live in the UK so I hardly ever saw them. They are wealthy. They never ever said oh don't bother this year we know you are having a tough time.
I'd have to work extra shifts at work to manage it all - madness.
Nowdays I just put my foot down and say no gifts for adults, I'm only buying for the children of the family and that's it.
I don't think xmas is about going into debt.

2Rebecca · 10/10/2023 10:32

I think not buying gifts should be reciprocal, so you all agree to just exchange greetings, or small handmade gifts. A handmade gift made by an adult might be of better quality than something made by a child. If you are on maternity leave can you make something?