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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my mum but AIBU?

584 replies

CRivers · 10/10/2023 08:30

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 20:36

@Meowandthen Who said expensive gifts? I didn’t use that word so don’t accuse me of something I have never said. I said “a small one is fine”. I’ve suggested other small gifts before in the thread. There is an element of respecting your helpful parents by not leaving them out at Christmas. Dc are frequently over indulged, so spread the funds round a bit.

Brefugee · 10/10/2023 20:40

so all you needed to say was "oh they're all a little out of my price range, mum - can you think of something a bit smaller"

She gave you a LOT of support over summer, and you're being rather ungrateful. But you reap what you sow, eh? maybe she'll be less supportive in future. Maybe she's not as transactional as that.
But you are being flippin' ungrateful at a time when it's traditional to give people a token of love and appreciation

Solonge · 10/10/2023 20:40

Good Lord! I would never expect presents from my kids and we do a lot of childcare, but as grandparents, thats our privilege, and we know how lucky we are to have so much contact. We tell our kids not yo buy us presents or if they do, something small and inexpensive. Your family and your health are the important things. Not getting into debt a close third! You are doing the right thing.

Ap42 · 10/10/2023 20:45

CRivers · 10/10/2023 19:55

She definitely isn't the type to appreciate a chocolate orange or a £5 plant 😂

In which case I wouldn't bother. My Mum would appreciate anything. I take back my previous post. She sounds like a spoilt child.

theleafandnotthetree · 10/10/2023 20:46

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 20:36

@Meowandthen Who said expensive gifts? I didn’t use that word so don’t accuse me of something I have never said. I said “a small one is fine”. I’ve suggested other small gifts before in the thread. There is an element of respecting your helpful parents by not leaving them out at Christmas. Dc are frequently over indulged, so spread the funds round a bit.

You're a woman after my own heart! I find the whole 'oh I'm OK with a crust of bread so long as the chiiiiiiildren are happy' thing totally bizarre. Why can't everyone feel loved and respected? The vast majority of contemporary children have far more than they could ever need, it is not taking the food from their mouths to buy their grandmother a bloody 20 pound present. Or even a 45 pound one OP! How much do you reckon the dinners she's dropped in to you are worth?

Growlybear83 · 10/10/2023 20:49

Out of interest, could I ask how much you're intending to spend on Christmas presents for your children? That would help to put the cost of a present for your mum into more perspective.

brentwoods · 10/10/2023 20:50

Maddy70 · 10/10/2023 08:45

I think its the fact you aren't giving her anything ..
She's hurt. You could have made her something, painted her a picture or dried sine flowers and put them into a frame or something thoughtful a voucher for a picnic in the park together..
She isn't being greedy she's upset that you are not giving her any effort I think you explained it badly and she feels hurt. Its not that she wants you to spend money

That's exactly the kind of gift OP said she was going to get for her mom. A handmade, thoughtful one.

Mum's response is greedy.

Billybobranaway · 10/10/2023 20:50

Jeez I just do not understand some people! Supporting your adult child and spending time with your grandchildren should never be dependent on gifts!
As a parent my most prized gift was a house my children made as toddlers. It was made out of cereal boxes and white paper. Op mother will still receive a gift just not a shop bought one.
It also does not matter if Op does a gift basket everyday of December, a trip every weekend and elf on the shelf for her children. With her husband they have made a decision about how to spend their money. It is one year!

I would much rather spend time with my family and receive home made things for Christmas than have a pair of shoes and other tat. Particularly knowing my daughter had to use a credit card or my grandchildren missed out on something.

Throwing the things you have done for another person back at them over a gift is manipulative at best! Respect works both ways.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 10/10/2023 20:50

Yet another thread with so many pps disparaging mums for daring to ever want any acknowledgement or thanks for the things they do for others. Oh no, mums must be endlessly self-sacrificing at all times.

Jeez, this place sometimes.

theleafandnotthetree · 10/10/2023 20:51

Solonge · 10/10/2023 20:40

Good Lord! I would never expect presents from my kids and we do a lot of childcare, but as grandparents, thats our privilege, and we know how lucky we are to have so much contact. We tell our kids not yo buy us presents or if they do, something small and inexpensive. Your family and your health are the important things. Not getting into debt a close third! You are doing the right thing.

I am aghast and honestly think you are a mug of the highest order if you do a lot of unpaid childcare and barely expect a present for it. And as for being privileged and lucky to have so much contact, why? Are your grandchildren the second coming? Not sure if this is you, but I think there's a lot of women on thus thread being walked all over and trying to find a way of not admitting that to themselves. Oh I don't mind! I don't matter! So long as the children are happy!

m00rfarm · 10/10/2023 20:51

You would not go into debt to buy her a small, thoughtful gift. Or take her for lunch or anything like that. I would feel hurt if my adult child said that to me. It would be the lack of thought rather than the amount. Even a keyring that had been purchased specifically for me (with something relevant on it) would be enough.

TiredRetired · 10/10/2023 20:52

For years in our family amongst adults we've done secret Santa with a £50 limit. It means you just have to buy one gift and it can be a decent one.

Meowandthen · 10/10/2023 20:52

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 20:36

@Meowandthen Who said expensive gifts? I didn’t use that word so don’t accuse me of something I have never said. I said “a small one is fine”. I’ve suggested other small gifts before in the thread. There is an element of respecting your helpful parents by not leaving them out at Christmas. Dc are frequently over indulged, so spread the funds round a bit.

You still equate gifts with respect. Still bizarre.

Loubelle70 · 10/10/2023 20:55

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 20:28

@VeterinaryCareAssistant I expect respect. As neither DDs are paupers they would get me and DH a present. They already appreciate what I do and have done for them over the years. So it’s unlikely to be a choice between GC or me. I don’t tell them what I want! They know me well enough to know. As for those saying CG come first! Are you just a martyr to them then? I wasn’t to DDs so not likely for GC. As a family we don’t do time and effort without respect in return. Respect at Christmas is a gift. A small one is fine.

I’m amazed how many grandparents (women) put up with being free childcare and would put up with no Christmas present. Self respect is important to me. All this “I didn’t ask mum but she does it anyway” is utter rubbish. Appreciate the help and reciprocate. Good manners really.

But respect doesnt cost anything surely?. Btw i do all those things for my DD and GC im not a martyr by saying I don't want need anything for doing things for them. Because i don't. Buying a gift for me doesn't equate my worth.
I would rather spend time with DGC and DD at xmas, as corny as it sounds, that's my gift from them, all of us being happy and making memories at Christmas. If i want anything, i will buy it myself.

Blinkityblonk · 10/10/2023 20:57

If you look at the Love Languages book, then you'll see some people feel that gifts do represent love and thought and care, and some don't give a shit about them.

Texting someone who has usually had a substantial present, and who does a lot for you, and who loves gifts to say you aren't getting anything except a hand-made card is probably unwise.

The best thing would be to discuss with them, on the phone or face to face, what to do, given the cost of living crisis.

Not everyone who loves the odd gift is highly materialistic, it's more likely she equates that with love and thought. I don't care about gifts and I'm not very good at buying them, so it's not my thing, but I've learned on here before that some people would be insulted with flowers or chocs as that's a generic thoughtless gift.

The mum doesn't have to be self-sacrificing and have nothing whilst the kids have everything, I don't like this approach anyway. If the kids are genuinely getting hardly anything, that's different.

theleafandnotthetree · 10/10/2023 20:57

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 10/10/2023 20:50

Yet another thread with so many pps disparaging mums for daring to ever want any acknowledgement or thanks for the things they do for others. Oh no, mums must be endlessly self-sacrificing at all times.

Jeez, this place sometimes.

I know, I feel like I'm on another planet. Women really are their own worst enemies sometimes. It is entirely possible- and in my opinion much healthier and better role modelling - to be a loving and involved mother and grandmother whilst also maintaining your own identity and self respect.

jenpil · 10/10/2023 21:02

Christmas isn't about buying presents to show love. It's about your presence.

A token gift is really all that is needed, and handmade gifts are wonderful ideas.

Much better than all the tat available in the shops!

Loubelle70 · 10/10/2023 21:03

jenpil · 10/10/2023 21:02

Christmas isn't about buying presents to show love. It's about your presence.

A token gift is really all that is needed, and handmade gifts are wonderful ideas.

Much better than all the tat available in the shops!

Yes yes yes!

Coldbrewnumber2 · 10/10/2023 21:05

I actually think you are being unreasonable and I think you’ve probably hurt your mums feelings - which is probably why she took so long to reply. She feels unappreciated.

I wouldn’t dream of not getting my DM a Christmas gift.

You could have planned ahead and could have put as little as a token £5 away every month of the year and you’d have had £60 in a kitty to spend on a nice gift for her. You could have still said “it’s not much this year with my maternity leave etc… but we wanted to get you a little something...”

Handmade stuff from the grandkids is nice and all, but you’re a grown adult and I think you should have prioritised giving your DM a Christmas gift as part of your expenditure, especially as it sounds like she does a lot for you.
Buy the kids little bit less, or spend less on food and drinks?
It probably matters little now anyway, as the damage is done and what’s been said has been said unfortunately.

Blinkityblonk · 10/10/2023 21:05

This thread has reminded me why I don't like Christmas! I even see the people who are present about twice a week anyway, so it's just the same presence as at other times. Everyone else I see daily. I honestly wish I could skip forward to January.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 10/10/2023 21:06

Aww that is sad though. She is your Mum. You should definitely get or make her a gift. You don't have to spend alot but a thoughtful and nicely wrapped gift is what Christmas is all about.

Doodar · 10/10/2023 21:09

You should get her something. Nothing worse than home made tat from kids tbh.

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 21:09

@theleafandnotthetree Completely agree. It’s almost Victorian. The self sacrifice and lack of individual identity is hardly a hallmark of a modern woman. If I want something expensive I buy it for myself. I quite agree with not being a role model of a doormat.

overwhelmed2023 · 10/10/2023 21:10

I think it does found a bit hurtful to say that to her I mean it's very low cost to get something like a plant and or cheese etc!

overwhelmed2023 · 10/10/2023 21:11

Though think you've already hurt her feelings!

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