I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

I'm a single parent and myself and the children are off to Spain in a couple of weeks, my mums birthday falls just before.. she explicitly told me not to buy her anything as I've worked so hard for this holiday and we're not exactly rolling in it. However I could never not get my Mum a gift, even a token present. She looks after my children 2 days a week. She is absolutely a priority. Spend £10 less on the children or give her an iou for afternoon tea when money is less tight. She's your mum.

I hope she stops providing you with free childcare (as presumably you don't pay and clearly have no gratitude).

My mum doesn't provide childcare, I'm on maternity leave and constantly with the baby and other DC are school age. She's never provided regular childcare at all just the odd day here and there on rare occasions. She did come and stay every week for a couple of days during the 6 week holidays to be an extra pair of hands for me whilst dh was working long hours, which I really appreciated with the baby. It was however her idea and dressed up as she wants to see the kids anyway, not a request from me. She is a good mum and will sometimes sneak all my dirty laundry home and return washed and ironed, will drop off home cooked meals etc she's a star but none of it is asked for! Appreciated but not requested.

The kids were going to make some clay bits for her and my dad, handprint mugs and baubles and the like. They weren't going to have nothing. She was chatting about things she wanted and they were bigger things, perfumes, beauty products, Birkenstocks etc were her suggestions nothing was cheaper than £45 ish, which is normal for us but this year I just can't do it. I had told her that we only want gifts for the kids this year and to not buy for me or dh.

Still catching up on any other questions..

She definitely isn't the type to appreciate a chocolate orange or a £5 plant 😂

Right I’m probably going to get shot down in flames here but I don’t really think there’s any point in adults buying other adults gifts for Christmas.
It’s literally a made up fairytale about Santa for kids. Unless you’re religious of course.
I have had this conversation with my own parents several times. I don’t buy for adults at Christmas. I have 2 children who believe in Santa and so yes we go to town at Christmas for them. As soon as they stop believing we’ll be spending Xmas somewhere exotic and they’ll get a token gift on xmas day. Christmas is an absolute racket!
My husband and I don’t buy for each other. In fact I’d be really annoyed if he wasted good money on a gift.
OP, I think you are being perfectly reasonable. Why on earth does a grown woman, with her own money, need a gift at Christmas?
If you feel really grateful for everything she helps you with then get her a Thankyou gift as and when you see fit.

Adults wanting gifts is weird to me.

I mean of course its nice to receive them. But actively getting upset over that is ridiculous.
My Mum has always said never to buy her anything. I think she sometimes goes to far the other way though. Saying it over and over. She says the same every Christmas, Mothers Day etc.

We just do presents for kids in our family. Otherwise it doe's just get too much and stressful. Christmas dinner is expensive enough.

I absolutely agree!

Look this isn’t hard. You just say that much as you’d like to treat her it’s not possible because after all you all want to put the children first and you are on maternity leave and COLC.

Obviously you make it clear you expect nothing back.

"She did it but she didn't have to" is a bit of a shit justification for not being appreciative @CRivers.

If you've always spent around £45, I can see why she'd be surprised you won't be doing this year. Did you cut back the other times you were on mat leave, or was this completely out of the blue?

She’s BVU! Honestly - that’s nuts. Definitely not worth getting into debt for!

Does anyone else buy for your mum other than you @CRivers ? Do you spend Christmas together? Also, if its not too intrusive to ask, where is your dad in all this?

@TizerorFizz , so you're saying that if you had grandchildren and your daughters said "sorry Mum, but I can only afford to buy for the little one this Christmas" you'd make a fuss?

If you had grandchildren you'd expect them to come first.

If my daughters said that to me I'd be fine with it. My grandchildren are at the age where Christmas is magical so why I would I want to take money away from that?

I can buy my own things if I really want something.

YANBU.
What a selfish mum. DD has 2 children, if she said this id be oc!!! Kids come first. I would also love homemade gift..i care for my autistic grandson every week, sometimes have him 3/4 days week etc...that doesn't give me right to demand, jeeez its hard enough for parents with kids at Xmas, so expensive. Id rather see smiles on DGC faces on Xmas than me have presents from them.
Last year i said i don't need 'stuff'..ive got enough so we token present and thats too much and i have to tell DD not to buy expensive. If she buys expensive for me i feel thats taking away from my grandkids, if you know what i mean
OP your mum, wow.

YANBU. Your mum is very childish, and a spoilt child at that. I most certainly would not be indulging this behaviour. Is she demanding in other ways? I just can't imagine any actual grown ups that I know sending that message. She sounds petulant, so if you do rely on her for help like childcare, I'd be careful with your response, for fear of retaliation. Maybe just an "I'm sorry you feel that way, I just can't afford it at the moment. I'll treat you when I'm back at work" will suffice.

This is exactly why I am not a fan of Christmas. It’s become all about spending money for so many people. Conspicuous consumerism is ugly.

I seem to be in the minority but I would prioritise a present for my Mum if she helped me out a lot and had been a good parent. I would even put it on my credit card (gasp) and pay it back in Jan / Feb. The kids will no doubt get presents from other people as well as you and you can pick up cheap things for them that I am sure they would like. It’s the thought that counts as they say.

Completely agree. Im a nan too. Grandkids first

Does she see you pinching pennies , counting coins, going without anything but the basics to make ends meet?

I can see both sides.

Your mum sounds like she has been really good support. You are downplaying it like she has done you a favour. I would have bought her a present.

The dynamic between you seems odd so 8 have no idea what to recommend. Not speaking to you for three days is passive aggressive. Maybe offer to go for dinner in January as a belated celebration.

My MIL is all about the presents. If her DC don't buy her presents, she doesn't get one (for FIL). I wouldn't really care but it makes her feel loved and wanted

I very much doubt this is the case.

Is she serious?! No, YANBU

@VeterinaryCareAssistant I expect respect. As neither DDs are paupers they would get me and DH a present. They already appreciate what I do and have done for them over the years. So it’s unlikely to be a choice between GC or me. I don’t tell them what I want! They know me well enough to know. As for those saying CG come first! Are you just a martyr to them then? I wasn’t to DDs so not likely for GC. As a family we don’t do time and effort without respect in return. Respect at Christmas is a gift. A small one is fine.

I’m amazed how many grandparents (women) put up with being free childcare and would put up with no Christmas present. Self respect is important to me. All this “I didn’t ask mum but she does it anyway” is utter rubbish. Appreciate the help and reciprocate. Good manners really.

You equate expensive gifts with respect? How very bizarre.

Gah

What does she want?

I never want a gift off anyone. Especially if they can't afford it