I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

It’s not about expensive gifts. It’s the cold way op worded it. And her working dh should be ashamed not appreciating all the free help more.

My dh just made my elderly parents raspberry jam with raspberries from our garden. They’ve helped us so much when our children were little.

I am sad your mum had that reaction, and makes her sound very materialistic, I would never want anyone struggling with money to get me a Xmas or birthday gift, would be happier just seeing my family. Whether it wasy kids, parents or anyone else. My mum has little to no spare money and I always tell her not to buy for us adults just get kids a little something if she really feels she has to.

I don't really know how you sort things with your mum, but you are not the unreasonable one here, it is her.

This is one of those 'journalist looking for an article' OPs isn't it?

OP hasn't come back and we've all wasted our time.

(And before you delete this, mnhq, I don't think resenting journalists winding us all up is the same as troll hunting)

All these martyrs or daughters of martyrs who wouldn't dream of ever wanting anyone to spend as much as 5p on them, who care only for the lickle children, all I can say is that if you value yourself that little, that's how you'll be treated. What kind of message does this send, that a woman/mother's lot is to give, give, give, to expect nothing and as some would have it, be actively outraged if anyone dared spend money on them that could be going towards a mountain of presents for the children. Who'd want to be a mother in those circumstances? I have always respected myself enough to expect to treated well by my children, which includes being included in the social convention of gift giving. And they get lots of pride and pleasure from participating in that since they were I don't know, 6 or 7? The thought of an adult child who receives a lot of support from a parent not being arsed to scrape together a few pounds or use their time/imagination to otherwise treat that parent is pretty awful and hurtful.

Do you even have grandchildren?
I do, and anything I do for mine I do for free because I love them.

I personally think it’s quite selfish to tell your mum you aren’t getting her anything for Christmas in October. Why not say you’re having to cut right back this year and won’t be able to afford much, leave it at that, rather then be so blunt about it?

The bottom line is, if you will be accepting X amount of pounds from your mum for your children and you can’t even save up £5-£10 between now and then to buy her a token gift? I’d be hurt too, but not about the monetary value, but by the complete attitude of disregard.

if you’re expecting anything from anyone for you, your husband or your children, you should be making some sort of thoughtful effort if you haven’t got any money, it shows you appreciate them and you care.

She is in the wrong but I would reply "You're right mum you do a lot for us and we are grateful. I will of course buy you a small gift now I know what it means to you. I love you." It's definitely not worth falling out over and you never know what is around the corner.

I agree with this. She is your Mum, she is feeling taken for granted and undervalued by your statement. It doesn’t have to be something expensive, but I do think she should also be a priority in your life. I would never have not given my Mum something, however skint I might have been.

Sorry OP, I think YABU. Especially if she's helped you out a lot, I think it's a bit stingy not to get your own mum anything.

I am sorry but I cannot understand you and those comments saying things like "is she a 7 years old." She is a mother! And she expects a little thing from people she loves and cares for. Bloody hell I am sure she isn't asking you for anything fancy like £1000. You have lots of stuff for £10-15 on TKMaxx, pans, pots, mugs with beautiful quotes, you have nice scarves, cushions with cute animals!!! A box of chocolate and flowers! My GOD is a 15-20 going to break the bank!!?????
You've just hurt someone's feelings (that is your mother) when you could have managed a lot better.
If she did indeed mentioned she would've loved a particular gift I'd respond to her with "I would happily buy it if I was working as you mean so much to me, but since I am not working I cannot afford it. I hope you will understand"
This is your mother! Not a random lady. Either I am too old school but parents really deserve a better treatment than this and these disgusting comments!

How much debt would you realistically end up in based on one token of appreciation for your mum who helps you out a lot?

@CRivers
Come back and update us op!
What exactly did you mum ask for and what does she do for you and your family?

I'm 43 and think OP is not being unreasonable.

I think that you could, at the very least make your mum a present or gift her something just to show some appreciation for all that she does for you. You don't need to spend more than £5, but could still put a bit of an effort in and buy your children slightly less. Also you should have told her that you don't expect her to get anything for you.

Yessss!!!! Exactly!

People need to talk more. I bet she wouldn't have reacted like that to a face to face conversation.

If as a family you can't afford a gift that's fine @CRivers. But it's also fine for your mum to feel put out. Doesn't mean it should change what you do.

When we were on the bones of our arse, I knitted mum a scarf and made some chutney and jam. She loved it.

how is it "clear" and the "whole point of the thread" that OPs mum is expecting more than a token gift when OP has only made one post which doesn't specify either way, and not come back to clarify? It is as possible she would be happy with a sub £10 present that reflects OP took the time to think of her as that she's grasping after something expensive - there is no evidence either way.

YABU. She's your mum. I couldn't imagine not getting my mum anything especially if she helps out a lot. It sounds like because it was done through texts rather than face to face, things haven't been communicated as well as they could but of all your family members, surely your mum should be a priority. You've chosen to go on maternity leave and have less money coming in, it's not like you're struggling financially through no fault/choice of your own.

@VeterinaryCareAssistant I’m 68 and it’s unreasonable. I’m in agreement with the poster saying grandparents (women) should value themselves and their time. I’m not a grandparent but I’m not giving my time if it’s not appreciated in some reasonable way. My DDs wouldn’t say this to me anyway. Small gifts are also perfectly ok at Christmas. I don’t want silly mugs or tat but I would be happy with a Chanel lipstick if cash was tight. Certainly cards and drawings from any grandchildren and later the pleasure of seeing them in school productions etc. Great pleasure doesn’t have to cost a lot.

Wow, I’d be hurt if I got that response from my mum! Make it clear that you don’t expect any gifts from her either. In a cost of living crisis I think it’s totally reasonable for adults not to buy Christmas gifts for each other! We only buy for kids in our family too.

Pots and pans for a Xmas present? No thanks 🤣

But @TizerorFizz you're not a grandparent so you can't say what you would or wouldn't do.

exactly! OP and the supporters are suggesting that its a choice between buying mum a present or feeding her kids, when, as other more reasonable people have pointed out, she could:

• buy slightly less random crap for the kids (including the TINY BABY who won't have a clue whether their present is brand new/2nd hand/non existent to get her something small but nice
• make a nice present that won't cost much (she only refers to the kids making her bits, not OP herself)
• give her an IOU for when she goes back to work and has more money
• offer to do something free or low cost with her instead - cook christmas dinner, take her for a go around the shops and a coffee, go to a free carol service, do a boxing day swim with her, go to midnight mass, have a strictly final viewing party - completely random suggestions because I don't know what the mum likes but OP does/should!

most of these would cost little or nothing but instead OP has just said 'you are so far down my list of priorities this year despite all the help you've given me that I CBA to even put the tiniest bit of effort into thinking of something for you.'

Oh my gosh I just came back expecting a dozen maybe, I wasn't expecting so many responses.. I have a lot of reading to do!

@VeterinaryCareAssistant I think I know my own mind! At my age it is something you think about believe it or not. I would obviously help but not be a slave to it. I would expect respect and consideration at Christmas but I’d get it!