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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my mum but AIBU?

584 replies

CRivers · 10/10/2023 08:30

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 10/10/2023 17:20

BerriesNutsConkers · 10/10/2023 08:38

On the face of it she is being unreasonable but how much does she actually do for you?
If it is a lot then she might be feeling taken for granted.

That it took 3 days for her to say anything shows she's thought about it and feels genuinely hurt in my opinion.
It didn't sound like she expected you to go into debt, just that she might have expected not to be lumped into the same bracket as other family members that don't do as much for you.

I'm not sure I'd have said anything, but I don't know if that would be better because I probably would have been a bit hurt in her shoes.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 10/10/2023 17:24

My Mum would go ballistic if getting presents meant me going into debt! She would graciously accept the hand made gifts.

K4tM · 10/10/2023 17:29

Oh, Heavens! Buy your Mum a Christmas gift for goodness sake. Don’t be such a tight arse. You don’t have to spend much (e.g. £20 on a scarf). Think how you might feel if you were Grandma? You might be the only person who gives her anything - and you never know you might be in that position yourself one day. At least then you don’t have to feel rubbish on Christmas Day (Scrooge springs to mind).

Brefugee · 10/10/2023 17:30

who are all these pp who are saying things like "i wouldn't want my DCs to get into debt"

The mum is naturally reeling because this has come out of nowhere, and she does a lot for the OP. Now it could be that she's a nasty ol' bag who sees relationships as transactional, or she might be a lovely doting grandma who does a lot of childcare etc for the OP. But really. You can't scrape together a fiver for a pot plant and a box of chocolates? REALLY?

Twillow · 10/10/2023 17:30

Well now, I think this depends on how much you normally spend on each other. If it's usually a massive giftfest all round with wishlists provided, to drop down to a handprint reindeer might well come as a shock/snub. I feel like she's not entirely wrong - she's your mum, she feels like she's gone the extra mile for you this year. But at the same time no-one deserves to be entitled.

MrsMarzetti · 10/10/2023 17:31

So your Mum helps you out and you won't buy her a gift, not even spend a tenner buying her a best Grandma mug. This isn't an Aunt you never see, this is your Mum that gives up her time to help you. YABVVU. It is not what the gift is , it is a thank you, a reminder that you are thankful for her help and time. She must feel so hurt.

IndigoLaFaye · 10/10/2023 17:36

I would never consider not getting my
mum something, even if it was a box of chocolates of a Yankee candle or something. A gift doesn’t have to be so lavish you have to rack up loads of debt, but something to show appreciation

Millybob · 10/10/2023 17:37

You're unreasonable for not getting some little gift for your mum.
She's unreasonable for pulling you up on it.
Neither of you will get any pleasure from any gift you buy now.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 10/10/2023 17:38

Your mum needs to grow up. She'd really rather your Christmas budget was stretched to include her rather than your little ones!? If anything she should be asking if there's anything she can purchase to take the pressure off you.

I'm a grandparent and I'd always want my precious grandbabies to be prioritised at Christmas over me, especially if money was tight.

If they're happy then I'm happy.

LondonLass91 · 10/10/2023 17:40

I"m sorry but not buying for your own MUM? You can't stretch to a little something from the Next clearance? Or a lovely picture frame with her and the kids in it? I bet you expect her to buy for the kids though!

AlocasiaPolly · 10/10/2023 17:40

Last year things were tight for us and my siblings. My parents told us not to buy for them, but to spend what we had on the kids. Which is what we did. It was a great gift in itself, just taking the pressure off at the most stressful time of the year.

AuntMarch · 10/10/2023 17:41

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 12:46

This thread is tantamount to society’s me first society. Any decent mother would not want their children to get into debt bankrolling presents for them. A thoughtful home made gift should be ample to feel ‘appreciated’
Then we have petulant mothers insisting on being a priority and ‘important’ and up in arms at the prospect of a rainbow pasta shell necklace.

This is why Christmas is so bloody stressful.

OPs text made it sound like the kids homemade stuff was an activity for them rather than a thoughtful gift which is usually the case-- --

LondonLass91 · 10/10/2023 17:44

Going in to debt?! Just buy her a box of chocolates and a some nice bathing stuff. Don't be such a tightarse?! It's your mum!

Flyhigher · 10/10/2023 17:45

How much is she asking for her presents? £30. Or £50. You could buy her something small. I think maybe she would feel appreciated. No present at all is hard. I'd think I'd hate it. For my daughter not to buy me a present at Christmas. It would hurt. I know your focus is on your kids. But you are her child. She needs to feel loved too.

frumpalertt · 10/10/2023 17:50

I can see both sides. If she does help you out a lot with the kids then she's saving you a crap ton of money and the least you can do is to get her something thoughtful to say thank you. I appreciate that you might not have tons of money to spend, but I think this is the kind of situation where you go without so you can afford something that makes someone important happy. I once walked everywhere for two months to buy someone a gift - my trip to and from work was 6 miles.

Otherwise, if I was your mum I would be tempted to pull out of helping you out!

hattie43 · 10/10/2023 17:52

I'm with your mum . You worded things badly , quite cold , as if only the kids mattered . I get that things could be tight but fgs she's your mum not some random , surely a nice box of chocolates and a Christmas bauble / plant etc aren't beyond you .
She is probably feeling very used , helping you out and yet when it comes to some gratitude it's no we aren't doing presents .

Unfortun8 · 10/10/2023 17:54

If I were your mum I'd be worried about you being short of cash and transfer you some money. I'd be very happy with home made presents too.

AmandasFleckerl · 10/10/2023 17:56

Cut back a few pounds on your children, if you’re on maternity leave you can get away with very little for the baby. My DCs first Christmases they only had one small gift from us that cost about £50 max. I can’t imagine not getting something for my parents or in-laws but I have always saved through the year towards Christmas. I have £1000 for 2 x sets of parents, DH, 2 x DC, 2 x niece, 2 x nephew and 2 x friends.

SoShallINever · 10/10/2023 17:58

Ouch, I really feel for your Mum.
What a thing to say.
I've had times in my life when we had very little money but I still made Christmas special for my mum. I baked her a Xmas cake and took it to hers and decorated it with the kids, I collected pine cones and greenery and made a wreath for her front door. It needn't cost much.
How much would the jobs she does for you cost if you had to pay for them by the hour?

I'd never expect my DD to go into debt but blimey I'd be hurt if she didn't get me a box of chocolates or something.

FloweryName · 10/10/2023 18:01

Your mum sounds genuinely hurt that you wouldn’t want to give her a Christmas gift and that’s fair enough. It sounds like she does do a lot for you so you should want to show your appreciation.

She’s not hurt because she won’t receive a new scarf or something, she’s hurt that you don’t care enough to want to make her feel nice. I can understand why, it is mean of you.

Agnorant · 10/10/2023 18:03

Bottom line is you can’t just take and not give anything back. Not nice op.

Your mum is obviously saving you money and time helping you out a lot. It’s not like Christmas is a surprise to you or your dh, you knew it was coming.

RetirementIsGreat · 10/10/2023 18:08

My parents have always said NOT to buy them anything, spend it on the kids. Can't believe your mom wants to be priority. Unbelievable!

DrMarshaFieldstone · 10/10/2023 18:12

I would like to hear your mum’s side of this.

stichguru · 10/10/2023 18:13

I'm not surprised she found it hurtful. I agree with your principle, but when it's someone you are close to, who does a lot for you and is presumably expecting to buy for you and your kids, you have to make it a joint decision about how you are collectively approaching gifts. I don't think you are wrong to want to cut down on gifts but what you said was really rude and unkind. Something more "like mum how would you feel if we all spent less on gifts this year, maybe did an outing together or something?" She's YOUR MUM and YOUR BABYSITTER, you need to think about what would make her feel special and put some effort into doing it.

Catsbreakfast · 10/10/2023 18:15

So the mother is expected to be everyone’s dogsbody and supply endless. Amount of childcare, but hearing she won’t even get a token of gratitude making her upset makes her grabby. Ok. Don’t be surprised if your free childcare will dry up. I can’t imagine treating my mum like that, especially not brushing her off like that in a text message. Wtf