I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

Surely the OP can't afford the flowers?!

Think you are being unreasonable here. You mother would never agree to a present amnesty with you, she would always buy you and the children something, so it's pointless suggesting it. With a bit of effort and thought you could have come up with some lovely gifts for her (eg people reselling new makeup/beauty items on Vinted) without getting up to your eyeballs in debt.

However, your opening line of your mum talking about things she wants for Christmas makes me wonder what her expectations might be.

YANBU

My dad's side of the family are very weird like this when it comes to Xmas presents. I'm talking about extended family like aunties, uncles and cousins who I'm not close to and hardly ever see. There is drama with them every year because they expect me and my brother (we are both in our thirties) to get EACH of them an expensive present. I fall out with my dad pretty much every time this happens as well as he just goes along with what they say. I used to go along with this and spend a lot of money buying them all presents each year but for the past few years I've stopped doing this and it has caused no end of problems. I've now gone NC with them all now as I had major surgery last year and during my recovery they didn't even send me a card or even a text to say get well soon, and as soon as Xmas came around they started demanding presents again. Also during my graduation a couple of years ago I could only have a handful of people there and they all kicked off because they weren't invited. I'm 35 haha.

She needs to grow up and put the kids first like you are x

I'm not really able to decide whether OP IBU or not, as she has not yet come back to explain how much help her mum really gives and what sort of gifts we're talking about. Some people's idea of things being really tight would mean they genuinely would struggle to buy an extra bottle of booze, others that they may have to take a holiday worth less than £12,000 next year or won't be able to put as much into savings as usual (savings, hah, remember those?). I'm guessing mum's gift list went way beyond the bottle and plant stage but at this point we don't know, so I'll butt out of that discussion.

However, I will say that on one occasion I was that mother. When DS2 was still living with me, he came home shortly before Christmas with a great pile of bags and boxes. I asked which one was mine? He explained cheerfully that he wasn't thinking of getting me anything as he couldn't afford to, after spending so much on his friends. I pointed out it was kind of hurtful to see him display so much care for anyone except me, but it didn't register; he just didn't get that presents for parents was even a thing.

Later on one of said friends took him aside and told him how heinous it was to spend loads on presents but not a brass farthing on the woman who gave birth to you and did all that nurturing and supportive stuff for 20+ years. (Friend had very strong views on this, mainly a cultural thing, apparently.) He then saw the light and got me a (very acceptable, though by no means expensive) gift, under friend's stern guidance. Honestly, if he had been genuinely skint I wouldn't have expected anything, but bringing home shiny things for everybody except me was quite miffing. To be fair, I'd rather miss out than to have put the fear of God into him to buy Mother a present or else, but fortunately his friend did it for me

These days he's pretty good on the observances.

When I was a full-time student and we were living off one wage, I made Christmas cakes for family rather than buying presents. One year I made pretty soaps, another year fudge or similar, that could be wrapped cheaply but prettily so they had something to open on the day.
Could you do similar for immediate family like your parents?

YANBU Your Mother is being very selfish. Your children are your priority and not your mum. I can't believe what she said to you tbh it such a selfish thing to say and very hurtful. I'm a mother and grandmother and would go without for my children and grandchild. My mother was the same as I am she would help to buy presents for my children at Christmas so they didn't go short because money was tight for myself and dh. Honestly do what you've said times are difficult for everyone and especially with little ones it's her problem not yours. Most mothers/ grandmothers would love something made by their grandchildren.

It’s hard to comment without knowing what expectations your mum has for her Christmas presents. Spending £20 on her plus some thoughtful handmade items won’t break the bank and would be nice but if she’s expecting expensive gifts can’t you just say “don’t buy anything for me and DH mum, you do enough to help us and we really appreciate it and we would prefer you to spend the money you would have spent on our gift on something you really want this year” might be a better way to phrase it, if it’s not too late.

"I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

I think it is fine to declare a 'no presents' Christmas, but you were tactless, and did make it all about you.

Your explanation should have started with the fact that you don't expect anyone to give YOU a present. And an acknowledgement that 'no presents' is not a reflection on your feelings - that you are aware that she does so much etc. Saying giving her a gift would be 'for the sake of it' rather than because you love her and appreciate her, was tactless and hurtful.

I would never want my Dc to feel the pinch buying me gifts, I would be telling them not to buy presents - but I can see that your message was not reflective of the fact that you appreciate her.

This is ridiculous, I can’t stand it when adults act like children.
we don’t do adult presents at all because of the cost, getting unnecessary gifts you don’t really need/ want, the environmental impact.
we have family members who have taken offence to this, however that’s their problem not mine and I think it’s really petty of them
At the end of the day Christmas is about the magic for the children end of.

On the whole i agree with you.
We’ve been on the sort of budget you’ve described for a few years now and probably will be until our DD starts nursery next September.
Like other people have suggested we usually get my parents a small gift so they have some thing to open for example my mum loves jigsaws and is happy to receive ones from the charity shop.
I definitely wouldn’t be buying expensive gifts that meant getting into debt and i think it would be very unreasonable of your mum to expect that regardless of how much she does for you.
My partner family don’t buy gifts for each other.
Again, we’ll buy one small gift for each other and DD will get a couple of gifts probably of vinted.
Have you asked your mum why she’s upset, is it not getting any gifts or is it not getting the gifts she asked for?

I'm sorry OP. I cannot imagine not wanting a home made gift from my daughter

Quite mixed views you've been given op, I think you maybe need to update how much your dm does for you all? Could you afford £20 for a small thoughtful gift? Does your dm have unrealistic expectations? How much are you planning to spend on dc, is it a case of going over board to make it "extra special" or is it a couple of nice presents and a stocking each because your genuinely skint?

She's being a bit selfish. I remember being on maternity leave, the last unpaid part really stung us financially. You're absolutely doing the right thing, priorities should be the children, not adults!

No you're being unreasonable, your mum is. I'm going to say the same to my parents this yeae and I fully expect "yes of course please don't get us anything!" Hand made gifts from the kids should be worth far more to her.

Agree with this, especially if she does a lot for you.

you are defo not unreasonable, your kids are priority you are right

My parents never want for nothing and my Dad does a lot for me.
I’d never feel the need to tell him I couldn’t get him anything because he wouldn’t expect it and would appreciate whatever he was given.

Being a nan myself and doing lots for my grandkids I never expect anything but I think I'd be a bit hurt if there was no card and small gift from the grandchildren (by small gift I mean chocolates or a pot plant or similar) I can't imagine any of my children would fail to get the grandchildren a nanny gift for me but maybe I'm just very lucky.

At the time of my life when I was poorest and reusing one tea bag for three days, I still bought my mother a gift and without going into credit card debt.

I think it is really rude to tell someone you aren't worth a gift. Especially if she sees you spending on other things.

I don't know what she does for you but if you were my daughter and told me to expect nothing because she had no interest in buying or spending resources on anyone but her kids, I would take that as a sign that you really don't need my help either. That I should not expend any time or resources on you given how you feel about me. Thoughtful and caring gifts and cards dont' have to cost a lot of money. But telling a parent don't expect me to get you anything is really rude.

unless i missed it in the OP the mum didn't ask for a Maserati and diamond shoes.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It’s been a few years now where we do this as a general rule in my family as it just gets so silly every year buying crap for everyone for the sake of it. I’d rather just concentrate on the kids in family as that’s expensive enough as it is!

Your mum is being very selfish and materialistic to be so upset. The fact you said about handmade gifts etc is a much more personal touch anyway! I’d be inclined to tell her that “I find your guilt tripping when I’ve just confided in you that I’m struggling financially and want to keep myself out of debt, that you deem my effort of a handmade gift not good enough. I have no idea why you’d be so offended and insist my families financial situation not matter as long as you get a gift”

I cannot comment on your specific scenario as you have not provided any details. However, I cannot imagine not giving my mum a gift even it £5. I am going to against the grain here. As much as children comes first and you prioritise the family you created, I know that my children will never love me in the same way a parent does - they would lay their life for me. I remember as child my mum taking me McDonalds, she would order something for me and have nothing for herself.

I would be mortified if my children felt they had to get into debt for me and worse that they thought I needed recompense for being a mum. I normally think this board is very harsh to mums of adults but here, I think you are not unreasonable.

Probably just her love language. My mum would be the same. My love language appreciates time spent together, homemade gifts, a letter etc but my mother has a different way she would want something even if just a little box of her favourite chocolates.
It's probably just a generation thing.