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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my mum but AIBU?

584 replies

CRivers · 10/10/2023 08:30

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 13:45

BatteryPoweredMammy · 10/10/2023 13:42

I’m going to assume that “I've got to make it a good Christmas for them” means spending a ridiculously large amount on each child.

If that’s the case, then I can see why your mum feels taken for granted and I hope she withdraws from being an unpaid babysitter too.

My mum would never have expected anything from her kids but even as a child, I’d use my paltry amount of pocket money (50p weekly) to buy her something to show my appreciation of her.

As you state that she does a lot for you, surely you would prioritise getting her a small thoughtful gift in return?

I think it’s fair enough that you don’t extend gift buying to other adults/children in the wider family though.

That is a massive assumption, it might simply mean that they can stretch to the cost of one main present - the cost of things really is eye watering.

Londontown12 · 10/10/2023 13:45

That’s awful !!! I wouldn’t care how much my kids have or haven’t got I always tell them No presents keep the money for a rainy day !!
Maybe you could have said it face to face maybe in a conversation! No way wud I ever expect a gift from anyone let alone my kids !!! X

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 10/10/2023 13:46

I swear, there must be something in the water today.

One half of MN is women who can't say no to nieces and friends extorting them for cash.

The other half is women who told her own mother, who seemingly gives to her and her kids, that she can't save/budget for a single Christams gift TWO MONTHS AWAY because she doesn't want to get into "debt"!

What on earth is wrong with people??

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 13:46

@poetryandwine I don’t think mums always expect a lot but something is appreciated. It’s not that mums don’t give love and time freely but being thought about matters. So I would say a gift is reasonable and not in a transactional way. A genuine thank you.

Montegufoni2017 · 10/10/2023 13:49

She is your Mum, she is helping you guys out because you’re on unpaid leave with young children and struggling through that hard period of life when your kids are little and need everything from you. This is a completely normal thing for a Mum to do. Sadly, it sounds as though she feels she deserves gifts in return. She deserves love and appreciation for sure so make sure you always show that, but gifts? No. She is your mum, not another child. She is acting entitled. You should never do something for someone to gain something in return especially not for your own children/grandchildren. Don’t be pressurised, she’s being selfish and childish and trying to make you feel guilty. Bizarre behaviour

Viviennemary · 10/10/2023 13:52

I think this is quite mean of you if you still expect presents for your DCs. Not on. YABU

Flibbertygibbetty · 10/10/2023 13:55

Why is there an assumption that she wants you to get into credit card debt for her? Did she request something massive? As a mum I would be extremely hurt to be told only your children matter and she is in the same category as more distant adults in your life, unless your relationship is very tricky?

Can you not write a card saying how much you appreciate all she means to you with a small gift that is exactly her taste/interest like earrings, book or plant for garden. Or homemade bathsalts, Christmas wreath, truffles or photo print. It sounds as if you have unintentionally made her feel unwanted and unimportant to you and I hope you can reassure her.

Jk8 · 10/10/2023 13:56

YNBU to cut back on gifts if your short on money
BUT yabu - to message people who actually help you care for said kids that you're only spending money on them to make their Christmas similar to if you did have money & expect them to respond happily. Does your mum still have parents/siblings/other kids ?

theleafandnotthetree · 10/10/2023 13:56

I expect gifts for Christmas and my birthday from my tween and teen children now, let alone when they're grown up! Not because I have a burning desire to have another Best Mum Ever mug but because I think it is good to cultivate thoughtfulness, generosity and reciprocity. And of course I value it far more when they do thoughtful things like make me a cup of tea unprompted, but the two kinds of things are not mutually exclusive. Buying a little gift, however small, is like a pause, a reflection, to say in another way 'I value you'. Everyone deserves to have that feeling.

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 13:58

I don’t think many people have realised that a token gift is not the problem!

girlfriend44 · 10/10/2023 13:59
Hot Shots Idiot GIF

Fgs tell your mum to grow up. She's a grown woman, she dosent need Christmas Presents.
Very grabby and immature.
Another reason why Xmas should be consigned to the dustbin.
All this constant brainwashing that every Xmas people need gifts.
Stick to your guns.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/10/2023 14:08

It sounds like gift giving is her love language and I've been brought up to get people thank you gifts if they help me out with lots of favours - at my own budget but nothing at all seems like a bit of a fuck you so I'm not surprised your mum is hurt.

PhantomUnicorn · 10/10/2023 14:24

even when ExH and i were on the bones of our asses, robbing peter to pay paul to scrape by, i found something to buy mum a present to thank her for everything she was doing for me and my kids.

Her generosity got us out of so many holes over the years.. i can't imagine never getting her a present to say thank you and that i appreciate her.

saraclara · 10/10/2023 14:28

These conversations are better in person. You may have intended the getting gifts "for the sake of it" to be just an expression, but if she dwelt on it for three days she may have understood it to mean that you would have no other reason to get her a gift than obligation or appearances, which would be very hurtful.

That. I suspect that her hurt is not really about the lack of a gift, but the language you used.

noctu · 10/10/2023 14:28

I guess there's a distinction to be made between types of presents. The financially cheap yet thoughtful ones, and the more expensive purchases. If your mum helps you/your family then as PPs have said I think she deserves something at least.

Brefugee · 10/10/2023 14:29

how much does she do for you, OP?

surely you can afford a box of chocolates and a book or something for her? your kids are small they don't need that much.

Verbena17 · 10/10/2023 14:35

@CRivers I think you’re both being unreasonable.
Your mum for being generally ungrateful when you said you’d be making gifts (defo not always a cheaper option) and you for not just paying £5/6 for a box of nice chocolates for her.

Fatcat00 · 10/10/2023 14:47

DilemmaDelilah · 10/10/2023 08:42

I am not surprised you found it hurtful. HOWEVER - it does depend on what you mean by making it a good Christmas for your children. If that means buying them one good reasonably priced present and a stocking of small presents and providing a delicious Christmas meal, fair enough. If it means visits to Santa, Christmas shows, elf on the shelf, Christmas Eve boxes (and/or 1st December boxes, God forbid!), huge piles of presents and hundreds of pounds spent on them then it would be extremely unreasonable not to get her anything at all. In fact, if she does a lot to help you then I think you should be able to get her a tiny present anyway, and make it 'from the children' if you aren't doing any adult presents this year.

Just my opinion - I am very aware that there is now a culture of overspending on Christmas that there wasn't when my children were small in the very distant past.

This. And I probably would use a credit card tbh. You can pay it back when you return to work

Tontostitis · 10/10/2023 15:01

I'd be a bit upset if I'm honest. I do so much all year and a nice hand ream wrapped in handmade paper would cost less than a fiver. I wouldn't however say anything so kudos for your mum for being honest about her hurt. Don't be surprised if she helps out less next year though.

Butchyrestingface · 10/10/2023 15:23

I see OP hasn't returned? I'd be interested to know just how much her mum does for OP and her fam. If the woman runs herself ragged for her daughter and grandkids, then yes, I don't think she'd be unreasonable to expect some small token for Xmas, even if it's a potted plant or a box of Cadbury's Roses.

miral · 10/10/2023 15:23

Not being unreasonable. Personally I never buy Christmas gifts for adults.

HelenTherese2 · 10/10/2023 15:25

She was going to do some handmade gifts as a token of appreciation. That should have been enough. I would never expect my children to get into debt to buy me a gift. I also don’t do favours for people and expect to get anything in return.

shiningstar2 · 10/10/2023 15:30

If she is doing unpaid childcare, that is a big commitment. However much grandparents love their grandchildren, it is tiring looking after them, picking up/collecting from nursery ext that if . It is a massive generous commitment if she does any of this even once a week. I agree it isn't great to use a credit card for Christmas gifting but to use for one Christmas gift to get something for a helpful mother? I would guess that if the ops mother withdrew whatever help she gives the op would need to use her credit card a lot more if she is fully stretched now. I would pass it off as a misunderstanding, take flowers around and hopefully you can all move on. 😀

HelenTherese2 · 10/10/2023 15:33

I genuinely am surprised at how many people think that in order to show appreciation you have to spend money on someone. My mother would be horrified if I spent money on her and didn’t spend it on the kids instead.

GoingDownLikeBHS · 10/10/2023 15:39

So many messages yet we know next to nothing here. Is OP comfortably off and just being tight? Is her mum very wealthy? its all relative. If OP is really struggling (not just unable to afford a second holiday) then the Mum should be sympathetic, but if the OP is merely doing a bit of performance budgeting then if I were her mum I'd be pretty hurt, as many have said, to not even get a box of chocolates. However, I agree handmade things from the kids is nice (if they are young, not if they are 15 and 16 ...!!)