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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my mum but AIBU?

584 replies

CRivers · 10/10/2023 08:30

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

OP posts:
Agnorant · 10/10/2023 13:09

DisquietintheRanks · 10/10/2023 12:49

"Christmas is for children"

Says who? What a strange, reductive way of looking at it.

This. So Christmas is not something for childless people then? Ridiculous.

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 13:12

Agnorant · 10/10/2023 13:09

This. So Christmas is not something for childless people then? Ridiculous.

Show quote history

NO, absolutely not if it means putting someone else in debt. You can make do with handmade gifts.

So exhausted by these grasping CFs behaving like they are five years old. Grow up!

cherryscola · 10/10/2023 13:13

I think it is crazy that anyone would think OP is being remotely unreasonable.

Who on earth would want any of their family members, much less their own children, to get into debt for the sake of a Christmas present?

I think it is the thought that counts - how lovely that the OPs children are making their grandparent something that they can keep and look back on over the years. I have kept every drawing and card my children have made me for birthdays/Christmas and I love looking back on them. That is so much more special than a generic candle or an over priced box of biscuits/chocolate.

Christmas is not even about presents ffs

Runnerinthenight · 10/10/2023 13:16

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 13:07

I honestly find it beyond pathetic and childish the foot stamping that grown NT adults MUST have their presents regardless of their children’s means.

This is why debt levels in this country are so painfully high. Anyone can celebrate Christmas with merry making, feasting as far as they can afford and making the day special in ways that do not pile pressure on others.

I recommend this gift will raise a smile and won’t cause a guaranteed bailiff visit in the new year

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/746751806/secret-santa-present-gift-million-piece?click_key=0449c851f532f756068143d7fd5f0662cb942bde%3A746751806&click_sum=11d64d15&ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=million+piece+jigsaw&ref=sr_gallery-1-1&frs=1&sts=1

I honestly find it beyond pathetic and childish that the expectation of a small token of appreciation from your children is being disparaged in this way. It's manners, if nothing else.

The only person I see stamping their foot is you. Nobody has said that they demand an expensive present from their cash-strapped offspring. It's beyond hurtful though that they wouldn't want to put a smile on your face on Christmas Day.

I'd prioritise a small gift for my mother (if only I could!) over the feasting and merry-making.

I find your outlook extremely strange.

Runnerinthenight · 10/10/2023 13:17

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 13:12

NO, absolutely not if it means putting someone else in debt. You can make do with handmade gifts.

So exhausted by these grasping CFs behaving like they are five years old. Grow up!

Show quote history

Do you think handmade gifts are free? Not one person has suggested anyone should go into debt.

Don't be ridiculous.

poetryandwine · 10/10/2023 13:17

I would be interested to know the ages of those who think OP INBU and use words like ‘tantrum’ to describe the behaviour of her mum. To me they sound rather …. entitled, which is ironic, that’s what they accuse mum of. It’s as if young mums deserve the slave labour of older women because….. why, exactly? Surely you only volunteered or agreed because you had nothing better to do? What could be more satisfying than looking after the most precious children in the universe, for free?

OTOH OP’s mum did mention some gift ideas. We don’t know how she would have reacted to economical substitutes. I still think an affordable gift at a small cost to the DCs’ pile would be the way to go. Lovingly crafted items from young children are something else entirely.

cherryscola · 10/10/2023 13:19

Also, OP hasn't said it's forever that they are not doing adults at Christmas - just this year.

RoseWrites · 10/10/2023 13:19

I might be projecting, but my mum often wants to (weirdly) be treated like the grandchildren. I think it is that she craves feeling like she still has all my love and attention. I find it quite annoying tbh but now just realise I have to make her a snack or drink if I'm making one for the children, ensure she "has a present under the tree", too, etc.

Is it more about your mum feeling loved and recognised? If so, maybe spending a tenner on a scarf and some aldi chocolate might do the trick?

Oh and yanbu, families are annoying x

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 10/10/2023 13:19

You’re being responsible, this should be understood and welcomed by a parent. Not shamed into potentially going into debt to treat them.

You haven’t said you won’t be gifting her anything, just that it will be homemade from the children; which to me is more thoughtful and personal anyway!

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 13:20

@cherryscola Why is the debt argument just targeted at her mother? How much does she usually spend on her mum? Surely something for £30 (say) isn’t credit card debt on its own? One suspects most of the debt will be Christmas for Dc and in general. It seems unfair to just target her mum who gives help to her family. It feels she doesn’t appreciate her mum. Is she expecting mum to provide presents for DC? Seems a a bit one way to me. There’s a middle way to show appreciation without telling your mum her Christmas present is causing the CC debt. As if!

Sunplant · 10/10/2023 13:21

I can.understand why your mum would be hurt. She might feel that she isn't important to you.
Are you buying all new things for your children as children don't know the difference between new or something second hand?
If you are nit being extravagant with your children's gifts and you still wouldn't be able to afford anything for your mum a handmade voucher offering to make her a meal or spend a day with her wouldn't cost much.
I think maybe she just wants to feel she is a priority for you. I understand your children are your main priority but you are your mother's child and and so will be her main priority so she probably just wants to know she matters to you.

FizzyWizard · 10/10/2023 13:22

I think there are two issues

  1. What does "make it a good Christmas for [the kids]" entail? If she knows that you are a family who go OTT at Christmas and they're expecting all sorts of expensive technology or the latest trainers then yes YABU not to snip a little of their total to get her something.
  2. These conversations are better in person. You may have intended the getting gifts "for the sake of it" to be just an expression, but if she dwelt on it for three days she may have understood it to mean that you would have no other reason to get her a gift than obligation or appearances, which would be very hurtful.
cherryscola · 10/10/2023 13:25

@TizerorFizz OP said she told her mum that she was only buying for her kids this year, no one extra, including her mum as she didn't want to put stuff on a credit card...

Her mum has taken exception to this...

I also couldn't imagine my own mother asking for my children to go down a gift so she could have a new bag.

We all appreciate and love each other and we show this by spending time with each other. By helping each other out when we need it.

Not by buying each other gift sets.

I actually help my mum out a lot more than the other way round - I have my younger sisters far far more than she has my two children.

I am not expecting a Christmas present if she couldn't afford it because of this.

I know she appreciates it - she would do the same for me if she could.

I am so so glad my family is like this and not gift/money orientated. How stressful that must be.

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 13:32

Runnerinthenight · 10/10/2023 13:17

Do you think handmade gifts are free? Not one person has suggested anyone should go into debt.

Don't be ridiculous.

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It seems you either haven’t read the thread or not understood it…!

NonMiDispiace · 10/10/2023 13:35

My mother would have been like yours OP, she expected eternal gratitude from me for anything she did.
As children we were expected to save our pocket money for holidays …..so we could spend it all on presents for our parents and grandparents.
I’m so thankful that neither my DH or my DCs are like this.

DisquietintheRanks · 10/10/2023 13:36

Agnorant · 10/10/2023 13:09

This. So Christmas is not something for childless people then? Ridiculous.

Show quote history

I think childless people are allowed to buy presents for other people's children. And maybe a mince pie.

Agnorant · 10/10/2023 13:36

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 13:12

NO, absolutely not if it means putting someone else in debt. You can make do with handmade gifts.

So exhausted by these grasping CFs behaving like they are five years old. Grow up!

Show quote history

I did not say anything about going into debt. Of course noone should. It was the Christmas is for children brigade I found ridiculous, because it is.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/10/2023 13:37

That was cold @CRivers … you basically told your mum that she was a chore to you and that your previous gifts were perfunctory.

Good luck with that… Ouch

InterFactual · 10/10/2023 13:37

YABU. It costs barely anything to make some homemade biscuits, pick some wildflowers or fold an origami figure. There are plenty of virtually free things you could do if you wanted to.

You are choosing not to acknowledge her, it's very disrespectful. I would never expect someone to spend money on me but I would be very hurt if certain people in my life decided I wasn't worth making any effort for at all. If the children can do something homemade then why can't you? It's because you don't want to bother with her and she sees that the issue is not money.

Agnorant · 10/10/2023 13:38

DisquietintheRanks · 10/10/2023 13:36

I think childless people are allowed to buy presents for other people's children. And maybe a mince pie.

Show quote history

I think it’s fine for adult people to love Christmas just as much as children.

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 13:40

Runnerinthenight · 10/10/2023 13:16

I honestly find it beyond pathetic and childish that the expectation of a small token of appreciation from your children is being disparaged in this way. It's manners, if nothing else.

The only person I see stamping their foot is you. Nobody has said that they demand an expensive present from their cash-strapped offspring. It's beyond hurtful though that they wouldn't want to put a smile on your face on Christmas Day.

I'd prioritise a small gift for my mother (if only I could!) over the feasting and merry-making.

I find your outlook extremely strange.

Show quote history

‘It’s beyond hurtful they wouldn’t want to put a smile on your face on Christmas Day’

It is not your children’s responsibility to make YOU happy!

A handmade gift would suffice. You have misunderstood the thread, clearly ops mother is expecting more than a
‘token’ gift that’s the whole point of the thread 🙄 I do find it exhausting when people defend the indefensible.

It would be a cold day in hell before my children were forced into debt to supply my happiness and Christmas demands. My festive cheer is entirely dependent on me and not on a debt riddled pile of presents/tat that will cause sleepless nights for my children.

poetryandwine · 10/10/2023 13:40

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 13:20

@cherryscola Why is the debt argument just targeted at her mother? How much does she usually spend on her mum? Surely something for £30 (say) isn’t credit card debt on its own? One suspects most of the debt will be Christmas for Dc and in general. It seems unfair to just target her mum who gives help to her family. It feels she doesn’t appreciate her mum. Is she expecting mum to provide presents for DC? Seems a a bit one way to me. There’s a middle way to show appreciation without telling your mum her Christmas present is causing the CC debt. As if!

I was wondering about this, also.

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 13:41

Agnorant · 10/10/2023 13:36

I did not say anything about going into debt. Of course noone should. It was the Christmas is for children brigade I found ridiculous, because it is.

Show quote history

I find the grasping of grown adults nauseating.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 10/10/2023 13:42

I’m going to assume that “I've got to make it a good Christmas for them” means spending a ridiculously large amount on each child.

If that’s the case, then I can see why your mum feels taken for granted and I hope she withdraws from being an unpaid babysitter too.

My mum would never have expected anything from her kids but even as a child, I’d use my paltry amount of pocket money (50p weekly) to buy her something to show my appreciation of her.

As you state that she does a lot for you, surely you would prioritise getting her a small thoughtful gift in return?

I think it’s fair enough that you don’t extend gift buying to other adults/children in the wider family though.

Agnorant · 10/10/2023 13:45

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 13:41

I find the grasping of grown adults nauseating.

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You could just stay at home watching the Grinch.

It seriously doesn’t take much to make something homemade, if she knows her mum likes having something to open and seems to help out a lot.

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