I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

Why wouldn't she be? Just because she's an "adult"??

was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said

were you chatting or did you send this message by text?

Just because you used to go into debt for Christmas doesn’t mean others do. Most people stagger Christmas gift giving accross the year and plan food sensibly.

I know, my sister has done similar for me and Best Christmas Present Ever! 🤣 You recycle, help a charity AND get loads of books, talk about win-win-win.

You know your mum will be disappointed as the gift means a lot to her. I'd try and stretch to getting her something. You don't want her feeling hurt at Christmas

I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it

This kind of hints that you usually give your mum ("people") presents "for the sake of it", just to tick the box, not because you love and appreciate her.

You could have given the same message using different wording if you had given it a slightest thought.

That's horrible. I'd be devastated if my daughter sent me a message like that.

YABU.
your mother is NOT "other people"

I don't care for Xmas gifts, my kids know what I like, a scarf, small plant, nail polish for a FIVER if they are skint will do!

I would hate for my dc to go into debt to buy Christmas (or birthday) presents. But, if your Mum does a lot for you, I can understand this would make her feel very unappreciated.
I have a friend who does all the childcare for her son and family - to the detriment of her health - and whilst she would not want money wasted on her, a simple gesture goes a long way.

Don’t be ridiculous Christmas is for children!! Adults have the ability to buy their own tat.

I am pretty sure you don’t have children.

I couldn't disagree with you more.

I'd never not have given my mother a Christmas present - it's such a tiny token of appreciation for all your mum has done for you all of your life. Aren't mothers allowed to have feelings too? Plus your kids don't appreciate the half of it. Horrible.

Rubbish. Christmas is for families, not just children - and I have 3 children.

This thread is tantamount to society’s me first society. Any decent mother would not want their children to get into debt bankrolling presents for them. A thoughtful home made gift should be ample to feel ‘appreciated’
Then we have petulant mothers insisting on being a priority and ‘important’ and up in arms at the prospect of a rainbow pasta shell necklace.

This is why Christmas is so bloody stressful.

God help them! You sound very demanding and expectant.

Doesn’t reply for three days?… do many adults really want a present for Xmas?
I don’t expect anyone to buy me anything, children are different of course but not adults.

"Christmas is for children"

Says who? What a strange, reductive way of looking at it.

I would rather my children came to visit me/ call me at christmas and birthdays than get me a gift. I appreciate people can do both but seeing them is more important. I know everyone is different but getting a gift or a better gift doesnt mean someone loves you more. Children should be the priority at christmas. I think the ops mum is being selfish and immature. Surely the op could offer to cook a family meal instead which would be nicer anyway than an item. I would have added in the sentance that the op wrote that there was no need to get me anything either. I dont have grandchildren yet but if i did and £10 of their limited budget was spent on me i would find that bizarre and a bit sad. Im an adult. If i want something i can save up and buy it. Children cant so parents are meant to prioritise their children not their parents.

I absolutely do have children but I have not stopped having empathy, love and consideration for other humans who aren't children! Look I think Christmas is over the top, ridiculous and crazy at every level, but the craziness should at least not prioritise one group of people to the point of completely excluding another. And a persons mother is about as fundamental as it gets. Would those people defending the OP genuinely be happy to get such a message in 20 or 30 years time. I would be very hurt, but mostly embarrassed I'd raised such a thoughtless and rude person. 'For the sake of it' indeed.

You sound like a right bundle of joy!

You can have a good Christmas without starting the New Year in debt!!

@CRivers I think you have been mean and cruel to your mother. Unless she's being untruthful about the help she gives you and your husband, and "especially this year"???

So, who's providing Christmas dinner, I wonder....

I thought Christmas was for everyone? Its when people come together to celebrate.

I know in Japan once you get to 12 there is an end to present at Christmas, but never heard that Christmas or presents is just for children in UK

How did you figure that out????!! Bit of a stretch?? You sound like you're clutching at straws!!

They don't need God to help them. They are generous towards me within their means as I am to them. And in 'families' I'd be including grandparents etc, if my kids had been fortunate enough to still have them.

I think she is being very adverse.. every year l tell my two daughters never to get me anything.
They do.. but I'm happy with my £1 shop hand cream and primark slippers..
The Grandkids are the most important and the best presents ever is always a homemade Christmas card from them.
Her thinking is ridiculous.. you don't give to receive.. be it time or gifts.

That sounds a bit selfish of her. I would rather my grandkids got presents and not me.

Do you invite her over At Christmas?

I honestly find it beyond pathetic and childish the foot stamping that grown NT adults MUST have their presents regardless of their children’s means.

This is why debt levels in this country are so painfully high. Anyone can celebrate Christmas with merry making, feasting as far as they can afford and making the day special in ways that do not pile pressure on others.

I recommend this gift will raise a smile and won’t cause a guaranteed bailiff visit in the new year

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/746751806/secret-santa-present-gift-million-piece?click_key=0449c851f532f756068143d7fd5f0662cb942bde%3A746751806&click_sum=11d64d15&ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=million+piece+jigsaw&ref=sr_gallery-1-1&frs=1&sts=1