Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

[Tunisbaby]

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

Has never been an issue here, my kids never wanted to go on holiday with their dad since we separated and have made that quite clear, it's their idea of hell.

When we were still married, his older daughter used to come on some holidays with us, and not others.

She went on holiday with her mum and step dad too... so got twice as many holidays as any of her half siblings from either parent.

She also got twice as many christmases, birthdays, presents.. so in all, yes it wasn't nice shuttling between two families, but there was also some reward in it.

This happens all the time. I have 3 kids now all young adults and their dad had another child after we split and takes that child everywhere and takes ours nowhere. He barely even sees them. It’s caused problems.

It's not really my prerogative to prioritise these considerations, but yes, I'd say so. Especially given that DSS has never been aware of any of the trips that have happened without him.

Well it’s not a big deal. Me and dp have children from previous relationships, we also have children together. We often take our children we have together on holiday, without our older kids. Why?? Because they are with their other parent, and our kids are younger so the holiday can be centred about them and their age. We do take the others away too, so they don’t miss out.

Generally speaking if you have a sibling then you have to go on holidays, trips etc with that sibling… it would be a bit ridiculous to suggest it’s ‘unfair’ that a child doesn’t get to experience a holiday without their sibling there.

If the new woman wanted an only child then she should have found somebody with no kids.

Basically the reasons boil down to the father of the child not being that bothered about him and being selfish. There's absolutely no reason a step child can't be included with wider family. The father should not have got together with a new partner who didn't like his original child. That was really selfish of him. He could have either stayed single or got together with someone who was willing to be a step mother to his child.

@clappyjay

As stated every family is different and you can generalise all you want but that's the truth. The second child is just as important as the first child

I didn't say it was the new woman's" choice to exclude her stepchild 🤷🏽‍♀️

It isn’t really about the holiday is it, op?

From your updates the holiday is a symptom of a far larger problem - namely that your son’s father is all round shit. So it won’t be a case of they’re going on this holiday but your son will be included in another, or will have some special 1:1 with his dad at a later date. It’s that they actually don’t include him in lots of things, that his dad is phoning in being a parent to his older child.

I do think that holidaying without all the children in a blended family can be absolutely fine but this doesn’t seem to be one of those instances because of the bigger picture.

Also there's no reason why the stepparents family can't treat the stepchild the same. My stepdads family are beautiful people and have always included me, I was treated exactly the same, invited for roasts, Christmas presents, included in wills etc. My friends mum invites her stepchild over for sleepovers and they share a love of musical theatre so they go to London to watch all these plays. Who are these people who ignore or take no interest in their son in law or daughter in laws child?

Basically the reasons boil down to the father of the child not being that bothered about him and being selfish. There's absolutely no reason a step child can't be included with wider family. The father should not have got together with a new partner who didn't like his original child. That was really selfish of him. He could have either stayed single or got together with someone who was willing to be a step mother to his child.

I am a step mother to his child, just not the type you prefer. But you are not the oracle. But I'd ask myself - if the child is not at all upset by not being naturally close to his step mum's family, and some trips have happened that others enjoyed but that he had no knowledge of, where exactly is the actual problem?

Hi OP,

This happens because

• The stepmum might be the one organising/paying for holidays
• The stepmum may not assume your child to be going, especially if your child primarily lives with you.
• Their child is younger than school-age and so they prefer to travel during term time (saves a lot of money)
• They want time away as a couple, but their young children have to go with them (as no other parents) whereas your child does not. It may be hard to have privacy or relax with an older child who belongs to a different parent present.
• They might be visiting her extended family

All reasonable, yet it wouldn’t be nice to make it obvious to your DC that they are going somewhere fun without him.

No, we went on holiday as a 4 too, I had missed where OP said her child didn't ever holiday with their dad.

Reading the updates, it sounds like a much wider issue than one holiday. Assuming no other issues, I don't think a child staying home with one parent whilst their other parent holidays with step-mum and step-sibling is a problem.

They can, but they don't have to. That's what people like you always seem unable to accept.

They don't have to be actively ignoring them, in my case (and many others) they just very rarely see them, and it has not developed into a natural feeling that they should know each other and be close, from either side.

This is not automatically a source of upset for anybody involved besides people reading about it on here who have very rigid thinking and can't imagine anything but their own experience being acceptable.

Hi OP,
It’s nice that your step dads family were like that. However I don’t think you can expect the stepmums extended family to treat your child the same. They are unrelated, and they may not have met your child much. This is much more likely when it is the husband that has previous children (as dads are more commonly is the non-resident parent).
Im afraid YABU.

Adult kids easy. There was 10 years between me and my brother, my parents took him on holiday often after I left home and had my own family... never thought twice about it.

Young kids, is it a blended family? My bio dad often took his step kids on holiday without me... once again never thought twice about it, I went on holidays with my mam.

If its a normal nuclear family and two young kids then it would be odd.

Im from divorced parents ... sometimes we all went together and sometimes we didn't. The step parents are entitled to time alone with their own children too

I think you are projecting

they don’t ’have to’ accept anything, in reality.

The kids may be all the father’s, but they don’t all have the same mother, and that does indeed make a difference. Blended families are not the same as nuclear ones, and will operate differently.

Of course there is, given that that’s the reality for lots of blended families. It may not work for you, but it doesn’t have to.

I'm so sorry for your DS op, it's obviously not just one holiday, it's a pattern of behaviour that must be so hard for him and so sad. I would sit your ex down and have a really serious conversation about how sad this is making your ds because it sounds so cruel. When my dc were preschool age we did have a couple of trips where my dss didn't come as he was in school, now we wouldn't consider not taking him. Even when we did have trips without him, there would also be trips with him in school holiday time, and lots of one on one time with his dad without the little ones getting in the way. It's so so important for the non resident kids to feel important and valued too.

@WitchyWitcherson it’s not a step sibling, the child is the dad’s

Holidays are usually only one element of the dynamics between the new relationship and step children.

In the vast majority of cases, the lack of inclusion in family holidays is reflective of the place step children occupy in the new family. In some cases, dad will go on some holiday without his first children for whatever reason but also insure that he dedicates a lot of quality times with them in others ways.

Sadly, in many cases, it reflects the expectation that stepchildren just fit around the dynamics of the family where they come last in the list of priorities. They are included in quality special times either out of guilt rather than want or because that special occasion is less costly, less special etc...

Step children are very atune to the fact that they are last in the list of priorities, that they just fit with the family dynamics that don't focus on their needs. Sadly, this leads to these kids spending years after years to desperately feel love by their father, or to withdraw from it all and stop engaging and hoping.

@notlucreziaborgia does it actually work for the children though? Works for the adults maybe.

@aSofaNearYou is there a reason you don’t tell DSS about trips/holidays you do without them? Is it so he doesn’t feel left out?

Sometimes a holiday with teens and smalls just doesn't work.

So if I, as the second wife, had organized (and paid) for a holiday for my smalls, I can understand how taking an older child would completely change the dynamic.

Up to the dad to find a different alternative holiday with older children from previous relationships. It's not always a one size fits all, all the time.

We don't naturally talk at length about things we do without DSS, no, as yes that might feel a bit of an excluding conversation in his presence. He does talk at length about fun things he does without us, though.

@Wallywobbles the child in this scenario is 7. CP is an ideal holiday venue for different aged kids