Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

[Tunisbaby]

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

Your thread is incredibly loaded OP, you clearly would not be open to anybody's reasons.

For what it's worth our reasons are as follows

A) the vast majority of our holidays have been paid for/with my parents. You have said her family "should" include them but this is not on any level your place to say. We do not claim to be "one big family" to the extent that my family is also my DSS's family. He is DPs child, my DSS, my DC's siblings and that's as far as it goes, there is a natural acceptance from all sides that he is not related to my family and doesn't have much to do with them, as my DC does not with his maternal family. There is more than one way of having a blended family, your view is not the only acceptable way.

B) Any holidays we have gone on and paid for ourselves (just the one I believe) we could only afford as it was during term time and DSS could not have gone. This was a cheap holiday btw, before you say we could have gone on cheaper UK holidays during the holidays. No, we couldn't.

C) Materialistically, DSS gets much more luxuries than our DC and does go on trips with his mum. I disagree with you that it is all about the quality time and not the actual experience. Of course that's nice but the experience itself is the main factor in my view. They have quality time at home.

D) Like it or not, my DP has chosen to have a new partner and does have a duty to make that work. I do not actually enjoy trips we take with DSS for various reasons and would not be willing to only ever have such trips, though of course I do suck it up for some.That is just the reality of it I'm afraid.

We are more practical people than many on here and don't really buy into the outrage about how a parent could enjoy a holiday with "only one of their biological children". My DSS is absent the vast majority of the time from the vast majority of things we do due to living with his mum. My DP is well accustomed to enjoying himself whether he's there or not. It's a different experience to living with both biological kids.

Doesn’t sound as if the dad is a very hands on dad with first DC but is stepping up for new family. First DC is old enough to see this, must be really hurtful for him

@aSofaNearYou so you would be happy for your DH to treat your biological children together in exactly the same way as he treats his first child and you would be happy for anyone you meet to treat your bio children in exactly the same way that you treat your stepson?

@aSofaNearYou how often does your partner have his son?

I’m with you Op. I see and hear so many times some kids are invited and some aren’t (biological ones dependant who they live with) and it honestly baffles me. I don’t know who could take one of their children on holiday and not the other. Baffling

@aSofaNearYou I think you're mistaken about the quality time vs materialism. Kids do care. Jumping in waves with their dad on holiday, eating fish and chips on the beach, camping and seeing all the stars in the sky, hot chocolate on cold mornings, that shit matters. You cannot compare it to a day spent in a house that isn't yours, stuck on a tablet whilst the adults of the house ignores you. It matters even more for little boys when they only have one male role model. I don't have a partner or a dad and so my ds only has his dad in terms of male role models. He longs to spend time with his dad, shooting nerf guns, building fires. I can try to be everything but I'm just not a man!

The OP is complaining about having to be with their child when they don't want to be, rather than enjoying their company and making them feel wanted

You're just on the windup aren't you @fattytum

Either that or completely emotionally stunted.

Sigh. Ok I'll spell it out. OP wants her child to have time with their Dad not for her own benefit, but for her child to actually have a meaningful relationship with their father.

OP will be doing most of the heavy lifting as a single parent so why shouldn't the other parent fulfill their responsibilities to see amd include their child in their life?

I'm sure OP loves her child and makes them feel loved and wanted all the time. She just wants the Dad to do the same.

With blended families you have to think differently.

There are multiple units within each family. Yes in an ideal world all parts of that family would go on all holidays but in the real world time and money come into it.

If A & B have 2 kids, then C & D have 2 kids.

A & D then marry and have 2 kids. Does that mean when A & D holiday they have to take all 6 kids every time?

Of course not, yes ideally taking (say) 6 kids to center parcs in the school holidays would be fantastic but most people cant afford it.

So maybe A & D take their pre-schoolers off season, then go camping with the others in the holidays....

(And yes, I was thinking of a recent post about just this topic, when a step parent was wanting to take her own toddler to CP cheaply and not being allowed as the school age child from another relationship was not "invited")

You have a pretty outdated 1950s-style concept of what it means to be a man. Maybe that's part of the problem?
Why the hell can't YOU build a fire, if that's what the kid wants?

In future could you offer to pay for your shared child to join?

Do you know who has paid for the holiday it could be the new wife?

Perhaps your ex and his wife feel it's unfair for their shared child to never have a holiday with just his/her parents?

It's such a difficult situation and every family is different even nuclear ones

@Mikimoto I can and do, but I'm not his dad. I am as progressive and anti gender as they come but you can't avoid the statistics about how much boys really need male role models. He wants a dad. He wants his dad to want to do that stuff.

Even if OP did those things maybe the son still wants to do those things with his dad too @Mikimoto Doesn’t sound like he has a great time when he is with his dad

Ahh this is horrible, I totally agree with you OP and I would feel the same way.

Perhaps your ex and his wife feel it's unfair for their shared child to never have a holiday with just his/her parents?

But that child has a sibling and that often means you don’t get to have a holiday on your own. Most of us who have a sibling didn’t get a holiday alone with our parents.

I can’t imagine he just forgot. My ex went on holiday a few times with his partner and daughter and didn’t take my two kids with him even though they’re his. I assumed they wanted a family holiday just them as one unit. He’s not with partner now so last time he took all 3 kids away for a week with his extended family and often does overnight to visit extended family.

Unless Center Parcs has changed its pricing strategy you don’t pay per person you pay for the size of lodge. You do have to pay per person for activities, but the pool is free and at that age DS just wanted to spend most of his time in the pool.

However, I assume they are going out of school holidays so will be significantly cheaper

Yanbu op, from personal experience :

This will really affect the child who hasn’t been asked if they want to go and make them feel not wanted by their dad/ feel second best.

Some step parents are jealous of their partners previous children and the bond they have and also that it ties them to the ex partner who they may not like.

Basically jealous of the life they had before they met!

They just want it to all be about their “new little family” and the other kid ends up being used as a pawn in a game.

Sorry but if you want to be ‘your own little unit’ then just settle down with a man who doesn’t have any children already ffs.

If you CHOOSE to be with someone who already has kids then you have to accept that those children are just as much your partners than any you have together. They will be your child’s siblings. You will have to take them into account as existing children when thinking about what you can afford including holidays etc.

EOW and random extra time in holidays.

@aSofaNearYou not great then

Er- what? It is the child's dad and stepmum. They are not "babysitting" him. He is part of their family.

It's perfectly reasonable if you believe that the adults wishes come first and it's fine for them to be totally selfish at the expense of their son /stepson. Otherwise it is in no way reasonable.

I'm not saying it doesn't matter to them at all, I'm saying it's not the main thing in my opinion. All the kids in my life would be most bothered about just getting to do it, not who they do it with.

As stated every family is different even nuclear ones. A PP has said they grew up in a nuclear family and went on holiday without a sibling.

Yeah I agree with this. As a step mum myself I would sometimes like to have a holiday without my SD, however I would never ask or even suggest that we leave her behind.

If you say so 🤷‍♀️ It's a pretty common set up but it wasn't my decision, it's not really for me to defend.