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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

567 replies

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:16

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 10/10/2023 10:17

@aSofaNearYou so do you accept that he is excluded from things?

Ghostgirl77 · 10/10/2023 10:19

We did this but we were going away during term time on a holiday that would not have appealed to the older child. I think it’s fine to treat children differently, they won’t all like the same thing. You can still make it fair eg stepchild had the same amount of money spent but on an expensive gadget they wanted instead of a holiday they weren’t really interested in.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/10/2023 10:22

It's really sad I feel so sorry for your ds. There is not a huge amount you can do except politely and calmly share with your ex how disappointed and left out your ds felt in the hope he won't do that again. And plan some great treats for the two of you to do this week.

How old is their child? I can only imagine it's because it's term time and maybe the step mum is paying that she can't afford centre parks in the school hols. Still sad for your boy to understand though. I hope if you share that he was upset then Dad will at least plan some other fun for him.

Yanbu for being upset about this and sharing your thoughts.
Yabu for wanting to control what they choose to do when your son isn't with them

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 10:23

crumblingschools · 10/10/2023 10:17

@aSofaNearYou so do you accept that he is excluded from things?

Yes, but not everybody does everything. My DD has to accept that she doesn't get to do the fun things DSS tells her he has done with his other family. Going on about fun things you've done around a child will easily spark jealousy in them, it doesn't mean it's unacceptable for you to have done those things, but it's possible to be sensitive about it.

We also don't talk at length about fun things we do without my DD around her, though obviously that is much rarer as she lives with us fun time. When handled delicately so everyone can have what they want without anybody needing to know about something that might upset them, there doesn't have to be a problem. There are many things we don't tell our kids about that might upset them if they did know, but they don't need to.

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 10:23

Ghostgirl77 · 10/10/2023 10:19

We did this but we were going away during term time on a holiday that would not have appealed to the older child. I think it’s fine to treat children differently, they won’t all like the same thing. You can still make it fair eg stepchild had the same amount of money spent but on an expensive gadget they wanted instead of a holiday they weren’t really interested in.

But this child isn't getting another holiday.

Why are you projecting your entirely different situation here?

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 10:24

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 10:23

Yes, but not everybody does everything. My DD has to accept that she doesn't get to do the fun things DSS tells her he has done with his other family. Going on about fun things you've done around a child will easily spark jealousy in them, it doesn't mean it's unacceptable for you to have done those things, but it's possible to be sensitive about it.

We also don't talk at length about fun things we do without my DD around her, though obviously that is much rarer as she lives with us fun time. When handled delicately so everyone can have what they want without anybody needing to know about something that might upset them, there doesn't have to be a problem. There are many things we don't tell our kids about that might upset them if they did know, but they don't need to.

Show quote history

But this child isn't getting to go on holiday with his mum because she can't afford it.

90sfilm · 10/10/2023 10:27

It's inexplicabe to me. My DH experienced this as a child and it still affects him today. Still treated more like a long lost brother rather than a child of equal importance to his half sibling. His dad and new family still shamelessly talk about holidays he was excluded from. I cannot believe how shameless they all are. Huge respect to people who treat step children as their own. Would never treat a step child differenty after seeing the impact it's had on dh.

I think the dad and his new partner need tp challenged about it. Dh has has grown up with a lack of respect for his dad now and in his old age, his dad has become isolated as he dropped everything for his 'new family'. Became his identity. Npw his new DW has died and he's just seems lonely having sacrificed everything. It does seem fairly unique to dad's and i just don't understand it. I have friends with similar scenarios. New wpman comes along and thay's it. No longer a dad. So bizarre.

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 10:28

But this child isn't getting to go on holiday with his mum because she can't afford it.

OP asked a general question, not just about her own situation.

sugarapplelane · 10/10/2023 10:29

Have you asked the Dad why? If not I think you need to and find out what’s going on here. I also think you need a word with him to tell him to step up as a parent of another child that needs him.

Buggathis · 10/10/2023 10:29

Honestly I don’t get it. A person I know got remarried she has a DD and her DP has a child from a previous marriage. She, DP and DD went on a trip to USA done all the parks but didn’t take his child! Honestly I was flabbergasted. Both the children are at an age where they would have enjoyed it! So sad. Especially for the child left behind knowing they have gone on this super special trip 😳

SemperIdem · 10/10/2023 10:31

@90sfilm

He’s lonely because his wife has died, that is fairly standard after the death of a spouse and not likely to be much different because he invested more in his second family.

truthhurts23 · 10/10/2023 10:31

Who is Paying for the holiday? and yes I think it’s rotten that a parent would do that, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the holiday if one of the children couldn’t come too

WishingOnAStar86 · 10/10/2023 10:32

I have 2 ds with my exP and he has a daughter from a previous r'ship. If we were still together and decided to book a holiday, never in a million years would I not think that would include his daughter. Not bringing their sister along?! It would just never occur to me not to so I completely understand why you feel how you do..

notlucreziaborgia · 10/10/2023 10:33

crumblingschools · 10/10/2023 10:12

@notlucreziaborgia does it actually work for the children though? Works for the adults maybe.

@aSofaNearYou is there a reason you don’t tell DSS about trips/holidays you do without them? Is it so he doesn’t feel left out?

Rather depends on the child in question. It will work for some, and won’t work for others.

Does it work for the child of the second family to only have holidays if the first child can come? Same answer for that one, but presumably you think the ones it doesn’t work for should suck it up and understand despite that being something you wouldn’t expect of the first child.

nobodysdaughternow · 10/10/2023 10:37

There is no excusing this for the following reason:

The excluded child will remember he didn't get taken on holiday by Dad, when his half sibling did.

All the adult rational won't mitigate the hurt or the damage it does.

Unforgivable.

90sfilm · 10/10/2023 10:38

@SemperIdem I understand that everyone is lonely after their spouse has died. That's standard. But the point i'm making is that he is even more isolated now as his identity became his new wife and family and friends.

It was difficult for dh to support him fully when his new dw had cancer as when dp's own mother had cancer at the age of 13, the new DW argued that he was 'old enough to look after himself now'. Hence he had to stay with a friend when his mother was in hospital.

TheShellBeach · 10/10/2023 10:40

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:25

@Circumferences I don't think it should be common for men to forget they have two children not one.

But they invariably do.

helloooitsmeee · 10/10/2023 10:44

No it's shit. My dad went on holidays every year with his new wife and child, me and my siblings never got an invite. It was always "luxury" holidays too. Could have definitely gone somewhere cheaper and been able to take us all. When I turned 18 and got my first job, he had the nerve to say "oh you can pay to come away with us now"

I would never book a holiday and not bring my SS!
The only exception was our honeymoon, but didn't have DD then so no kids came with us.

Original poster
Tunisbaby · 10/10/2023 10:47

I just think of all the men who held their first born children in the hospital, looked down at them with such love and devotion. Did they ever in a million years imagine they wouldn't even put their child's name on their Christmas cards (real example) or go to Alton towers and leave them behind? Did they ever imagine they would not advocate for their kids inclusion in family events? Did they ever think they would work overtime on their child's weekend with them, and spend their annual leave going away without them?
It's not like a marriage where people change and grow apart. Essentially the person you divorce is not the person you married, either that or you are not the same. Children don't change. That child you ignore is the same baby you held in the hospital.

OP posts:
Baconisdelicious · 10/10/2023 10:47

You can still make it fair eg stepchild had the same amount of money spent but on an expensive gadget they wanted instead of a holiday they weren’t really interested in

maybe the point of holidays is to spend time together? maybe the children in this scenario would just like to spend quality time with their parent, like their young sibling gets to do? Buying an 'expensive gadget' is just a pay off to keep them quiet.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 10/10/2023 10:50

90sfilm · 10/10/2023 10:38

@SemperIdem I understand that everyone is lonely after their spouse has died. That's standard. But the point i'm making is that he is even more isolated now as his identity became his new wife and family and friends.

It was difficult for dh to support him fully when his new dw had cancer as when dp's own mother had cancer at the age of 13, the new DW argued that he was 'old enough to look after himself now'. Hence he had to stay with a friend when his mother was in hospital.

Edited

Omg what a bitch. Unforgivable.

DwightShrutesgirlfriend · 10/10/2023 10:53

@Tunisbaby I think it's a whole load of complicated and each family has to come up with acceptable solutions, but I can hear your pain and I can see this is just one more example when you think your child isn't treated fairly. It's completely understandable that that makes you sad and angry. Sadly you can't change others, only yourself, and the best thing you can do is keep on being the best mum you can. Your son will recognise that and love you for it. Try not to put your hurt onto him if you can, although I know that must be hard. Flowers

Whyohwhywyoming · 10/10/2023 10:56

Tunisbaby · 10/10/2023 09:56

Also there's no reason why the stepparents family can't treat the stepchild the same. My stepdads family are beautiful people and have always included me, I was treated exactly the same, invited for roasts, Christmas presents, included in wills etc. My friends mum invites her stepchild over for sleepovers and they share a love of musical theatre so they go to London to watch all these plays. Who are these people who ignore or take no interest in their son in law or daughter in laws child?

There are just as many people who get arsey about stepfamilies getting over involved as there are underinvolved. You just can’t please everyone. As a stepchild I wasn’t treated the same as my half siblings but it was fine. It’s doesn’t always have to be a drama. It’s often more about bitterness of certain adults. My SCs mum would hate it if my parents treated them as part of the family. They were bought Easter eggs once by my mum, and weren’t allowed to take them home! So often distance is more appropriate

Mylovelygreendress · 10/10/2023 10:57

My exh’s next wife had a DD and they went on to have 2 more DC . They all went to Disney Florida and didn’t include our DC . I offered to contribute to the cost but was told it was a “ family “ holiday .
He did send a postcard ( it was a long time ago!) and showed our DC their holiday photos .
One of the many reasons I hate the bastard .
Our DC are adults and have virtually no contact with him .

SemperIdem · 10/10/2023 10:58

90sfilm · 10/10/2023 10:38

@SemperIdem I understand that everyone is lonely after their spouse has died. That's standard. But the point i'm making is that he is even more isolated now as his identity became his new wife and family and friends.

It was difficult for dh to support him fully when his new dw had cancer as when dp's own mother had cancer at the age of 13, the new DW argued that he was 'old enough to look after himself now'. Hence he had to stay with a friend when his mother was in hospital.

Edited

That’s so dreadful. I can fully understand how supporting him would be difficult for your dh.