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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

567 replies

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:16

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

OP posts:
clappyjay · 10/10/2023 08:32

fattytum · 09/10/2023 22:40

but this is the step mothers holiday, yes? She doesn't want to take your child, obviously. She want to take her partner. She doesn't want to take your child. Why would she want to take your child on her holiday?

It seems perfectly reasonable to me.

You go away with your child and partner

She goes away with her child and partner

You are being very entitled to think they should be babysitting for you in their holiday.

Why don't you want to be with your child during this time?

Show quote history

In that case the OP is babysitting for her ex-husband whenever she is looking after their son 🙄

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 08:34

Snowpatrolling · 10/10/2023 08:30

My mum used to leave me at home and take my brother! She didn’t like me very much! We no longer speak!

That’s terrible 😞

Zanatdy · 10/10/2023 08:34

I agree, going on a child centred holiday and just taking one child (presume their bio child, or her child) is unfair. Even in a situation if her parents were paying for all grandchildren and extended family to go your child should be invited. I split with my ex 12yrs ago and deliberately having got into a relationship as I have an older son and my ex started to find him an irritant and would have liked to have not invited him on holidays I’m sure. I didn’t allow it though, he was always invited. Not putting my other kids through all of that. Their dad recently got married to someone the kids met once, and he’s brought her and her teenage son to come and live in the U.K. in the home the kids live in 50% of the time. He met her working overseas. Disgusted isn’t the word and now 3 months on he’s surprised when they don’t want to stay there and with me 100% now unless I’m away with work etc. It can suck being a step child. Though I’ve got friends with step parents and they love them, so it’s not all.

ShelleyPercy · 10/10/2023 08:35

Once my mother had a child with her new partner, she never invited me or my siblings on holiday again. Just the three of them in their 'new' family would go away, leaving myself and three brothers at home to take care of ourselves and the house.
Its a pretty dreadful feeling to basically be replaced and left behind, its a shame that its more common than one would like to imagine.

SD1978 · 10/10/2023 08:38

Are they going during term time, which precludes the 7 year old from going?

Beautiful3 · 10/10/2023 08:39

I don't see a problem with that. Your ex takes his girlfriend and kid on holiday, and you take your boyfriend and kid on holiday. Maybe when the kids get to know each other, they'll offer to take both on the next holiday.

PreetyinPurple · 10/10/2023 08:40

I was going to ask if it was term time. Are under 2s still free as well.

WitchyWitcherson · 10/10/2023 08:40

My dad (who had 50% custody) and step-mum used to take my half brother on holiday without me, including a snazzy trip to Tunisia. I never really thought twice about it! I used to go on holiday with my mum and obv. my brother wasn't invited, so I think I actually got more holidays than him. If you teach your child it's unfair, they're going to grow up thinking it's unfair...

MehtotheChristmasrunup · 10/10/2023 08:41

Presumably the child is “ left behind” by the dad on a daily basis if dad is now living with a new family?
I get what the Op means but I’m not sure making the child part of this new family on holiday is any better really. There’s a lot of variables.What if the child doesn’t much like the step mum and other kids? What if they don’t like the holiday and miss their mum.

Ideally dad would do holiday and days out with his own kids on the basis that he wants to go away and spend time with them.

Syndulla · 10/10/2023 08:41

Family member has recently had 4th child by third partner. All kids live with her, all primary ages etc. Dad not involved with eldest two at all. She has just been on holiday with just her, new baby, and new partner. Left other kids with grandma. It's grim, really grim. Her social media is now full of baby, other kids don't seem to exist. I'll get flamed for being judgemental on here but I don't care, what she is doing is awful.

egowise · 10/10/2023 08:43

I wouldn't do this. I agree with you OP.

But then, I don't agree with the Mumsnet 'that's not my kid' thing, for me, if you're blended, then they are all 'your' kids.

I'd never leave a child behind. How sad for the child. Because that's who is hurt here, by their parent. The child.

itsmyp4rty · 10/10/2023 08:46

Beautiful3 · 10/10/2023 08:39

I don't see a problem with that. Your ex takes his girlfriend and kid on holiday, and you take your boyfriend and kid on holiday. Maybe when the kids get to know each other, they'll offer to take both on the next holiday.

So when you split up the father no longer has to take his own child on holiday? That's left to the mother while he can just move on and play happy families with the new wife and child? Crazy.

crumblingschools · 10/10/2023 08:46

@WitchyWitcherson did your dad never take you on holiday?

MrsMiddleMother · 10/10/2023 08:47

Yabu. Dad is allowed to take 1 child on holiday when the other is with you. Just as you're allowed to take your child on holiday whenever you want. As long as dad does take your shared child on holidays generally it's fine.

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:48

That’s really shit of him.

There was a thread where the OP’s mum was taking OP and her bio kids to Disney Paris. That was fine because the DSD’s dad wasn’t going.

But if the bio parent is going he needs to take all his DC, or an equivalent holiday later, especially as OP can’t afford to take dc on holiday.

Bimbimmer · 10/10/2023 08:48

“Can you imagine a mother taking her new dh and their dc on holiday and leaving her older child from a previous relationship behind?” @Booklover40

It does happen - my BFs ex took their younger child (7) away and left their DD (15) with her dad because mum’s new BF didn’t get on with her.

Not defended OPs ex, just highlighting that all types of people can be shitty and selfish when it comes to new relationships.

FWIW, BF and I take all our DCs away with us, together. It’s chaos - but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

OP, I cannot fathom your ex’s behaviour either - it’s cruel.

CeeChynaa · 10/10/2023 08:49

I personally don’t see the problem. Your child has opportunities to go on holiday with you right? If you’re unable to afford it then unfortunately that’s no one else’s problem.

ExH goes on holiday with his new partner and their child. All you have to do is go on the step parenting board and posters tell the step mum that there’s nothing wrong with not having DSC come along. Because there isn’t!

ExH does need to make sure that he also takes your shared child on holiday. I don’t see why your child has to go on every single holiday that they go on but he obviously needs to be taken on some!

If ExH has 3 family holidays in a year and shared DC is taken on none then he’s just an arsehole

SeptemberSuns · 10/10/2023 08:51

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 08:26

Oh because it is so easy being a single mother because your loser of a husband abandons his children. The onus is on the father to provide equally for all of his children assuming he wants a decent long term relationship with them.

Show quote history

How do you know he abandoned his child? How do you know the breakup wasn't at least mutual or her fault?

The onus is ALSO on the mother to provide equally, it sounds like he is providing.

crumblingschools · 10/10/2023 08:55

Is he missing his contact time with dad too @Tunisbaby? How is dad at paying CMS?

OnlyFannys · 10/10/2023 08:57

YANBU I wouldn't be able to do that, we don't even book fun days out unless we have both DD and DSD as it would feel.so mean for the other to miss out

Titchyfeep · 10/10/2023 09:03

I don’t intentionally not want to include her but she often already has plans or it’s not convenient for her dad. Also her dad takes her on holiday with his side of the family and I would never expect him to include my other 2. She is not missing out on holidays she just doesn’t always go with the same people.

Original poster
Tunisbaby · 10/10/2023 09:03

I don't think you can compare it to a more traditional family set up where there's a mum and a dad together, and one parent takes one child away for some quality time, there's not the same feelings of rejection and not feeling valued. Most parents are still together where we are and in primary school and DS has to go in and hear about dads being fun and present on holiday. He has never been away with just his dad. All his memories have been just stuck in their house, whilst they plan festivals,bbq's,holidays together. It's just not far and I can't get my head around how he doesn't see it.
He was never like that with our son. Seeing him with his own child is like seeing a different person. Why is that? How does the woman that he's with make a difference to how much he gets involved?
I don't know a single woman like that, even ones who have gone on to remarry and have new kids.

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 10/10/2023 09:07

My dd goes on holiday each year, but with a different parent. It was our turn this year so she came with us, next year we'll go without her but she'll have a family holiday with her Dad. It works well and she's fine with this.

clappyjay · 10/10/2023 09:07

Heronwatcher · 10/10/2023 07:21

TBH it sounds like you’re more upset than them, maybe because you know they’d love it and you can’t afford it which is understandable.

But are you really saying that your DP can’t ever go on holiday with his partner and child without your son? Because I do think that’s a bit unreasonable. What if the partner has paid for it? What if they can only afford it in term time? What if having your DS there the whole time means the partner and their son don’t enjoy it? And if things were different (if you could afford it) wouldn’t you be taking your son on holidays without his step-sibling?

I would definitely have a chat with your ex about your DS potentially being a bit upset (if he actually is) and suggest that they do something nice together (maybe even another holiday) but I think you need to take all of your emotions/ guilt out of the situation.

Having one of his children on the holiday might mean the other doesn’t enjoy it?? Well they are siblings (biological as well not step) and unfortunately that’s part of having a sibling.

I have an older brother who could be really annoying on holiday (and in general) but that didn’t mean my mum just decided not to bring him on holiday because I would have a nicer time without him.

The OP may take her child away on his own without his half-sibling because he’s not her child. Just like the new partner can take away her son on his own. The difference is the dad has TWO children who are both equally his.

notlucreziaborgia · 10/10/2023 09:15

I grew up in a nuclear family and my parents went on childfree holidays, we had holidays all together, and holidays where my brother or I went and one of us didn’t. It was totally fine and normal for us.

In blended families it’s usually more complicated, given that they aren’t the same as nuclear ones and will rarely operate in the same way. I personally don’t see the issue with this.