Page 17 | Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

Tunisbaby · 2023-10-09T21:16:31+00:00

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah' I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent. I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre. Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

Beezknees · 10/10/2023 20:58

AnneValentine · 10/10/2023 20:39

That isn’t what I said though is it.

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You essentially did.

crumblingschools · 10/10/2023 20:59

I couldn’t imagine going to CP and leaving my 7yo behind

MarliJae · 10/10/2023 21:15

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:25

@Circumferences I don't think it should be common for men to forget they have two children not one.

Mine forgot he had two…

Didn't just go on holiday without them, but got married whilst he was there without telling them.

Devastated they were. ☹️

Ffion21 · 10/10/2023 21:29

Totally agree OP. She married a Dad and took on a step child.

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/10/2023 21:31

90sfilm · 10/10/2023 20:23

@ChristmasCrumpet there is no suggestion at all on the op post you have quoted that op wants her child's father to love her child more than his other children.

It's very revealing that posters are changing the ops and others points rather than successfully explaining why it's ok for a father to only invite one of his children on holiday.

Edited

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Completely disagree.

Throughout the thread, it's her "first born" "first child" "he was a dad first" and those "new kids".

OP seems disgruntled that her DS is only the centre of her universe, as he has to share that spot with other siblings at his father's.

She and the father caused the split household. It's not the child's fault. Situations like this naturally occur when a child has to live across two homes. No, you can't really spend Christmas Day at one house with both parents, for example. It's down to the mother/father to ensure they explain carefully and factually why this is the case.

It's normal for a non resident child to be absent from activities in the home they spend far less time in. Both parents should be reassuring the child that this is literally down to logistics and nothing else.

puffylovett · 10/10/2023 21:49

Haven’t read the full thread, but I understand where you’re coming from OP.
I cannot understand it.
my brothers ex has just done exactly this, she has disappeared off abroad with her parents and 7 year old son leaving her 3 year old daughter at home with her ex. Worst, with zero consideration for the child as he works in a job that starts at 6am, so hes having to get up at 4.30, get her ready, drop her to her aunt at 5.30am and then have the aunt take her to nursery until he can collect her at 6pm.
no he can’t take holiday. what kind of parent does that, it’s disgusting imo.

echinaceadreams · 10/10/2023 21:58

90sfilm · 10/10/2023 20:25

@echinaceadreams or the ex's inability to afford to take all of his children on holiday, is not the excluded child's problem. One sure way to make a child from the 'old' family feel obsolete and replaced.

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I didn't say it was did I....

crumblingschools · 10/10/2023 21:58

@ChristmasCrumpet so you excuse a bad dad’s behaviour by saying it is just down to logistics

echinaceadreams · 10/10/2023 22:00

Why shouldn't we write when they are coming on the calendar please

90sfilm · 10/10/2023 22:11

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/10/2023 21:31

Completely disagree.

Throughout the thread, it's her "first born" "first child" "he was a dad first" and those "new kids".

OP seems disgruntled that her DS is only the centre of her universe, as he has to share that spot with other siblings at his father's.

She and the father caused the split household. It's not the child's fault. Situations like this naturally occur when a child has to live across two homes. No, you can't really spend Christmas Day at one house with both parents, for example. It's down to the mother/father to ensure they explain carefully and factually why this is the case.

It's normal for a non resident child to be absent from activities in the home they spend far less time in. Both parents should be reassuring the child that this is literally down to logistics and nothing else.

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So the evidence you have that suggests op thinks that the father should love her child more than his others is that she described the first child that he had as 'his first child'? However, you don't question why the father hasn't invited his own child on a family holiday because these things 'naturally occur'

I think op is emphasising that their child is first born as the father is acting like his subsequent children have replaced his first child as he is not invited on a family holiday with his dad. From OP's post it's clear she wants her son to go and isn't stopping him. I don't think OP's son not being invited on a holiday 'naturally occured'. It was a conscious decision to exclude child by his own father and new wife. I know of childhood friends who were always invited on holiday by their father and stepmum. No matter how much OP will tell her child that her dad loves him equally the child will feel excluded by this action. Friends and dp who weren't invited by fathers when they went on a family holiday with their wife and subsequent children always report similar feelings - exclusion, unworthiness, replaced. I think that a child not being invited on a family holiday when the child's mum is not putting up any resistance and thebchild is free to go is certainly not 'logistics' and everyone knows it.

A child might not be able to spend christmas day with both parents at the same house but a child must be invited to his or her dad's house every year whether the child chooses to go or not. It's about it being an open house for the child and unhindered access to their father.

90sfilm · 10/10/2023 22:19

echinaceadreams · 10/10/2023 21:58

I didn't say it was did I....

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@echinaceadreams the child is the victim in this. It's not op's fault that their shared child's father can only afford to take one of his children on holiday. So why you are blaming her on a holiday the father is choosing to go on, even going so far as to say that it isn't the ex's problem, makes no sense.

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2023 22:29

It's very revealing that posters are changing the ops and others points rather than successfully explaining why it's ok for a father to only invite one of his children on holiday.

People have successfully explained it, you just don't agree. This is a subject in which people simply disagree and will not change their minds, including Op, which makes calling it a debate is pretty pointless.

AnneValentine · 10/10/2023 22:34

Beezknees · 10/10/2023 20:58

You essentially did.

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No I did not.

jelly79 · 10/10/2023 22:40

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:32

You cannot say that you're one big blended happy family when you don't invite both of your biological children on holiday. It would be different if the child didn't want to go, but to just drop off and say 'won't see you next week as we're away byyeee' is cold. I can't see how it isn't.

Completely agree! Couldn't imagine this at all

echinaceadreams · 10/10/2023 22:41

90sfilm · 10/10/2023 22:19

@echinaceadreams the child is the victim in this. It's not op's fault that their shared child's father can only afford to take one of his children on holiday. So why you are blaming her on a holiday the father is choosing to go on, even going so far as to say that it isn't the ex's problem, makes no sense.

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Hang on.

I am not "blaming her" I was simply saying thather holiday or lack of is nothing to do with the ex DH. If OP could afford 20 holidays it is still nothing to do with the DH. So to bring it up is pointless.

Blondebrunette1 · 10/10/2023 22:43

fattytum · 09/10/2023 22:40

but this is the step mothers holiday, yes? She doesn't want to take your child, obviously. She want to take her partner. She doesn't want to take your child. Why would she want to take your child on her holiday?

It seems perfectly reasonable to me.

You go away with your child and partner

She goes away with her child and partner

You are being very entitled to think they should be babysitting for you in their holiday.

Why don't you want to be with your child during this time?

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Are you talking from personal experience of being a step mother@fattytum ? No matter how you frame it, it still sounds rotten.
OP is clearly concerned for her childs feelings, absolutely nothing to do with not wanting them around. She wants her exDH to still be his Dad and not treat their son differently to his other child. Also, it's called parenting not babysitting, and men are parents too.

OP, my DH adores our kids, I can't comprehend the idea he'd ever do this if we split. Also, if he had kids from a previous marriage and was happy to leave them out of our holiday I'd not feel the same way about him either@Tunisbaby . So sorry for your DS, I hope he's ok about it.

echinaceadreams · 10/10/2023 22:44

echinaceadreams · 10/10/2023 22:00

Why shouldn't we write when they are coming on the calendar please

Is it the colour of the pen thats the issue? Buy them a new one for Christmas

uneffingbelievable · 10/10/2023 22:56

fattytums - you are quite unnecessarily offensive.

It is a difficult subject - at the end of the day the DF needs to treat his children equitably. If he takes one on holiday then he should take the others on holiday too.

If it is none of the EXs business what goes on in the DFs new household, then the argument well the other DC goes on holiday with his DM so it is fair.

It is about one parent treating all their children equitably and if that means he can not afford to take them all on holiday, then they can not all go - it should not be a case of pick and choose.

My EX coudl ahve afforded to take his new DP and her 2DCs and his 2 DCS to Spain but could not afford to take them all business class and 5 str hotel to Barbados. So 2 got left behind. The hurt that caused can not be underestimated. When they had a joint child my DCS half sibling - he has taken joint DC on holiday every year for the past 7 years - he has taken his first DCs away once with their joint sibling. There is nothing equitable or fair about that and they know it.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 10/10/2023 23:00

I’m a step mum to 4
i have 2
There is 8 years difference between my eldest and the youngest stepchild
When mine were tiny we went to butlins and center parcs during term time. Never occurred to us to take the older ones - they wouldn’t have wanted to spend time singing along with Bob the Builder!
When mine were 5 and 6 we took them on a 5 days holiday to Lapland to see Father Christmas. DHs ex was furious as her children had never done that but my parents and I financed the trip. We could never have paid for an extra 4 children and mine shouldn’t have to miss out - I worked 2 jobs to pay for it
My stepchildren went to the Caribbean for 3 weeks with their mother and partner.
They got £500/600 spent on them each every Christmas by their mother, mine got much less than that
They live in different homes, they have different lifestyles
You can’t expect stepchildren to be included in everything with the new family. It’s a nice idea but it’s just not possible

Fairospop22 · 10/10/2023 23:02

Is the new partner paying or your ex?

Decemberstartsonsunday · 10/10/2023 23:17

YANBU Op,
I don't understand how he can leave his 7-year-old out; a child that age would love that holiday. I don't understand why people get into relationships with people who already have children, only to later expect them to be forgotten and left out, or why people, men mainly, forget about their other child when they have a new family.

Dramatic · 10/10/2023 23:20

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/10/2023 21:31

Completely disagree.

Throughout the thread, it's her "first born" "first child" "he was a dad first" and those "new kids".

OP seems disgruntled that her DS is only the centre of her universe, as he has to share that spot with other siblings at his father's.

She and the father caused the split household. It's not the child's fault. Situations like this naturally occur when a child has to live across two homes. No, you can't really spend Christmas Day at one house with both parents, for example. It's down to the mother/father to ensure they explain carefully and factually why this is the case.

It's normal for a non resident child to be absent from activities in the home they spend far less time in. Both parents should be reassuring the child that this is literally down to logistics and nothing else.

Show quote history

Sharing the spot of being "centre of the world" to his father means sharing the holiday surely? Rather than being left out of it completely

LittleMousewithcloggson · 10/10/2023 23:25

I really think many people don’t see the big picture and cost implications.
DHs ex left him. They sold up and she had enough to pay for a house outright - which is fair enough as he should provide a home for his kids. She has no mortgage, a great job and maintenance. Kids wear designer clothes and have a lot of holidays with her.
DH starts again. We buy a small house together and have a mortgage. We have 2 children. DH is paying bills and maintenance and has very little excess income. I can afford to pay for 4 of us to go on holiday but only the 4 of us. My parents help out so we can go abroad.
why on Earth would I say to DH to invite his other children? I can’t afford it
And why on Earth would I expect my kids to miss out on holidays - especially if their step siblings are having them

Dramatic · 10/10/2023 23:28

LittleMousewithcloggson · 10/10/2023 23:25

I really think many people don’t see the big picture and cost implications.
DHs ex left him. They sold up and she had enough to pay for a house outright - which is fair enough as he should provide a home for his kids. She has no mortgage, a great job and maintenance. Kids wear designer clothes and have a lot of holidays with her.
DH starts again. We buy a small house together and have a mortgage. We have 2 children. DH is paying bills and maintenance and has very little excess income. I can afford to pay for 4 of us to go on holiday but only the 4 of us. My parents help out so we can go abroad.
why on Earth would I say to DH to invite his other children? I can’t afford it
And why on Earth would I expect my kids to miss out on holidays - especially if their step siblings are having them

Edited

Taking 4 extra (much older) kids to Lapland (who have also spent 3 weeks in the Carribbean) is very different from taking one 7yo to center parcs.

J578 · 11/10/2023 00:05

I don’t see how people are finding this fair?!
my step daughter has always always come on holiday with us! (Me and husband have 2 children).
shes 21 now and still gets invited albeit pays for herself but still wouldn’t dream of not inviting her!