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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

567 replies

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:16

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

OP posts:
ZickZack · 10/10/2023 17:13

I agree, op. It's shit.
My best friend as teenagers was left home alone at 14/15 years old whilst her mum and stepdad took her 10 year old brother on holiday. Her real dad wasn't in the picture. She came to stay with us all week cause she was scared to be home alone.

PhantomUnicorn · 10/10/2023 17:13

Flyingcarpetintraining · 10/10/2023 17:04

Hence me saying “the vast majority”, not “all”….I possibly also should have added that it probably applies more to younger children. I appreciate that not all circumstances are the same, and as an adult I know that two happily separated parents is a better scenario than remaining together but arguing/ having a terrible atmosphere at home.

Not saying it’s the case in your situation but a child not wanting to see their Dad more doesn’t necessarily mean they wouldn’t rather their parents were together - just that they don’t want to spend more time with him on his own/ at the detriment of seeing you. Or it’s that they’re more comfortable at your house, have their friends nearby, have most of their stuff there, etc. None of which would be factors if the parents were together.

Again, to be clear, I know this isn’t the case 100% of the time and I’m not making assumptions about other people’s situations.

I’ve seen blended families ‘done’ really well, where all children are happy (outside of usual sibling related gripes) but I’ve also seen it done very badly. One of the common characteristics of where it’s gone well has been that all children involved feel equally valued and important. That doesn’t mean that they all get exactly the same things or go on every day out together but their parents and step parents make sure they all feel part of the family, even with a shared child involved too.

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i guess i'm lucky that i did it well enough that even though me and her dad are now divorced, dsd still likes to keep in touch. She might not legally be my step daughter any more, but she is my kids sister, and she know she's welcome here, and that i would still do anything for her same as i would my own kids if it was within my means to help her.

Just a shame their dad has messed it up with all 3 of them :/

I know a lot of posters on here don't agree, but not taking her on holiday every time we took our kids hasn't damaged anything because i made very sure she knew she was loved and included when she was with us.

AnneValentine · 10/10/2023 17:16

It’s harsh but new mum does have a right to holidays with just her child.

Ripleysgameface · 10/10/2023 17:18

I've done this quite a bit but I have a big age gap with my kids.

Eldest teen is 10 years + older than his siblings and doesn't want to do the family breaks with us so we go without him.

We'd never go abroad without him though!

And while we do family holidays with the little ones he does get nights out at concerts and restaurants etc that the little ones don't get.

Likewise his dad takes him abroad but things like centre parks and butlins he goes without him.

Beezknees · 10/10/2023 17:23

AnneValentine · 10/10/2023 17:16

It’s harsh but new mum does have a right to holidays with just her child.

Dad doesn't though. He has obligations to all children.

clappyjay · 10/10/2023 17:26

AnneValentine · 10/10/2023 17:16

It’s harsh but new mum does have a right to holidays with just her child.

Well yeah if it’s just her and her child then she can crack on.

But of course she doesn’t have ‘the right’ to holidays with just her partner and child, given that she has CHOSEN to be with somebody who is already a father and already has a child. If she wanted to be a unit of 3 then it is easy enough to find somebody without kids.

Flyingcarpetintraining · 10/10/2023 17:26

That’s definitely a sign you’ve done it right @PhantomUnicorn 😊

It’s not just about holidays but there are a depressing number of cases where it’s not just holidays where children from previous relationships are overlooked by their parents, in favour of children from their current relationships and it filters through into all aspects of life with that parent. And the blame lies with the parent, not the step parent, for allowing it. Although I’m sure everyone would want their child to have a step parent who made them feel welcomed and cared about too.

Tryingmybestadhd · 10/10/2023 17:30

It’s vile imo . My step children cost us thousands more on holidays ( they live abroad so we have to pay for their places plus flights ) and are older than your child and I would still not dream about not including them .

Beezknees · 10/10/2023 17:30

I find it baffling that so many women choose men with kids and then have such a poor attitude. Just find someone without kids.

Mavissdaviss · 10/10/2023 17:46

The only time we’ve been away without DSD is when DD was a baby. We had a couple of weekends away when we wanted to spend time as a couple and we could still have adult conversations, not have to do things to entertain her etc. If we had taken DSD we would have had to go to playgrounds, chat about her interests, go to child friendly restaurants etc (not that I don’t enjoy those times too!). Of course we didn’t do it on weekends we would have seen her anyway. Since then she always at least has the option of coming with us.

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2023 17:56

Goodornot · 09/10/2023 22:24

I don't see a problem. You can take your child on holiday yourself.

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Assuming the OP can afford it.

Why isn't he thinking of his child?

yogasaurus · 10/10/2023 18:02

OP, do you have one or two children with ex-DP? He’s a father to two of your children on another post.

ASGIRC · 10/10/2023 18:16

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:24

It's such a kid friendly holiday as well (centre parcs) and it's not something I could afford at the moment

You not being able to afford it is your problem, really...

Your child does not need to be included in every single holiday your ex goes on.

My mom remarried and my stepdad has 3 kids. Sometimes they went on holiday and only took 1 of us. You are not owed holidays.

RichardArmitagesWife · 10/10/2023 18:26

@Tunisbaby , the crux of the thing is whether it's during term time.

If they've bookerd a holiday to take advantage of term time rate and are taking their preschooler, it's fine not to take your son because he should be in school. He is literally not available to join them.

That will change when their child is of school age (assuming same school district and holidays) and then, yes, your ex should take your joint son on holidays. Not necessarily every one, but some.

Wetblanket78 · 10/10/2023 18:31

How old is their shared child? If their pre school age a lot of holiday parks do tot's week in term time so there probably wouldn't be as much for them to do. As well as it being cheaper.

PrtScn · 10/10/2023 18:33

Pacificisolated · 09/10/2023 22:30

It is abominable behaviour, however in reality many of these previously divorced men are inadequate fathers who wouldn’t be caring for their kids themselves. Understandably their new wife isn’t keen on the extra work of another child who isn’t theirs.

This in a nutshell. I expect the new wife has organised and booked it, and may even have paid for some of all of it and doesn’t want to look after more than one child.

notlucreziaborgia · 10/10/2023 18:37

Beezknees · 10/10/2023 17:30

I find it baffling that so many women choose men with kids and then have such a poor attitude. Just find someone without kids.

As if the onus isn’t on the actual parent to prioritise them. A stepmother, prospective or otherwise, isn’t responsible for considering a child more than their parent is.

Millybob · 10/10/2023 18:38

Maybe the stepmother is paying for it.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 10/10/2023 18:45

I think need to be fair but that doesn’t mean they always have to be the same.

it’s totally reasonable to take one or the other child somewhere (holiday / day out / experience) without the other, as long as the other child also gets these opportunities with their dad.

JustAMinutePleass · 10/10/2023 18:50

Beezknees · 10/10/2023 17:30

I find it baffling that so many women choose men with kids and then have such a poor attitude. Just find someone without kids.

While it can be different where the man and women have kids. The bitter truth is Men with kids are often low hanging fruit for single women. No single woman would choose them if they had other options (or had the self-esteem to feel like they did).

crumblingschools · 10/10/2023 18:51

@Wetblanket78 CP has a great big pool with slides etc that would keep a 7yo busy forever. Also CP is full pretty much all year round with children, so activities are run pretty much all year

Wouldyouguess · 10/10/2023 18:54

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2023 17:56

Assuming the OP can afford it.

Why isn't he thinking of his child?

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To play devil's advocate, OPs financial situation is not a concern to the step mum who may not afford holidaying with someone else's child.

OP- nrtft but is the dad going to take your child on holiday separately at all?

Beezknees · 10/10/2023 18:58

Wouldyouguess · 10/10/2023 18:54

To play devil's advocate, OPs financial situation is not a concern to the step mum who may not afford holidaying with someone else's child.

OP- nrtft but is the dad going to take your child on holiday separately at all?

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It's a concern to the child's father though. If he can't afford to take all his kids away, he stays home.

Beezknees · 10/10/2023 18:59

notlucreziaborgia · 10/10/2023 18:37

As if the onus isn’t on the actual parent to prioritise them. A stepmother, prospective or otherwise, isn’t responsible for considering a child more than their parent is.

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I agree, but there are many stepmothers on here commenting that OP is U. Besides, why would you want to be with a man who doesn't prioritise his kids?

notlucreziaborgia · 10/10/2023 19:03

Beezknees · 10/10/2023 18:59

I agree, but there are many stepmothers on here commenting that OP is U. Besides, why would you want to be with a man who doesn't prioritise his kids?

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And? There are non stepparents that agree she’s unreasonable too, as well as stepparents that agree with her.

Clearly there isn’t agreement about what ‘prioritising kids’ actually constitutes.