Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

[Tunisbaby]

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

No, but they also no doubt did not imagine living apart from them and having to get used to everything that entails, including getting used to not missing them much when they aren't there, and feeling more and more like a babysitter because your influence on their upbringing is so limited. You may fight those feelings for many years but they may steadily become your reality.

I'm not saying all of your examples are great especially if all done within the same scenario, but it is a complicated situation and parents do end up adapting to a different sort of relationship to the one they imagined.

@AvocadotoastORahouse I know. This is what they can be like. The injustices that have occured over the year are infuriating and they don't lose any sleep over it. It's complex as well as they are/werebreally nice, laid back and fun to talk to but there must be something wrong with them. I could never treat a child like that, let alone my own child!

OK so OP you’re obviously not taking the views of people who disagree with you on board. So looking at it pragmatically your view must be that your ex DH is an utter callous bastard who hates his own kids or, at best, can’t be arsed with them. So what now? Unless you think it’s genuinely better for your DS to stop contact with your ex completely are you still not better trying to help your DS negotiate this by at least trying to see it from another perspective, like one of the ones mentioned on this thread, rather than wallowing in the injustice of it all? Or even better speaking to your ex and finding out his own perspective and trying to get him to understand how all of his behaviour might hurt your DS?

My Dad never once took my DB and I on holiday after he split from our Mum, despite taking half sibling and 4 step kids. Numerous times they would weekend in London stopping in a hotel around the corner from my flat and not let me know. Some how my DB and I were the bad guys. How? We were 14 and 9 when he left for his best friend’s wife.

I heard a joke in my 20’s and it wasn’t until my Dad dies that I understood it. The joke is ‘why do men have backbones? So there knuckles don’t scrape on the floor.’

What you're describing is really common and it makes my blood boil.

The "first" children get pushed out and the "new" family takes priority. It's utterly shit and the reason I feel strongly about people not creating "new" families. Parent the ones you've already made and don't have any more. It's the ultimate betrayal of one's children to go off and start another family.

Your son will make up his own mind about his dad when he's older, and hopefully won't go on to repeat his dad's selfish choices.

I never understood why an extremely well off couple I knew slightly, took themselves off for a Caribbean beach holiday (similar to the ones our dds absolutely loved) and left their primary-age dcs at home.
Years ago now, but I still think, how mean!

@Heronwatcher have you read the many posts on here from people who were treated like this as children and how shit it was for them

I know you say you won't give specifics but imo this entire situation relys on the specifics to say whether it's unreasonable or not.

For example, if your son does go on other holidays with his dad then no I don't think it matters that he goes on one without him. It's just par for the course with separated parents. Especially so if, for example, their child is in nursery and they are using the opportunity to go in term time. Providing your son gets some sort of holiday with his dad at some point I don't see the issue.

You mentioned Christmas cards and alton towers too. Is your ex never supposed to do anything when he doesn't have your son? I went out at the weekend with my husband and our child, DSC didn't come. Because they weren't with us that weekend. We don't mither their mum every time we leave the house when they are with her to see if they want to come just like she doesn't when they are with us.

The Christmas cards, depends, who were they to? I don't put my DSCs names on loads of my Christmas cards. It depends who it is to. My friend who has never even met them? No. Same with my extended family who don't really know them at all. DHs family, yes of course, same with my parents who know them well.

And no I don't expect my family to treat my DSC the same as their actual grandchild and thank goodness neither does DH.

@crumblingschools I'm thinking the same thing. @Heronwatcher all OP and other pps who have experienced this are doing is showing empathy for the children. And yes, i thibk that that OP's ex is callous and unsympathetic. And has absolutely no backbone. There's no way i'd allow a new partner to exclude my child. Here he is beinf an active participant.

I've just seen your ex has never taken DS away, fair enough I think it's a bit shitty then. I don't think it's his partners fault though. I go on holiday quite a lot without DH and DSC precisely because he won't come without DSC which I respect and understand. If he turned around one time though and said actually I will come, I wouldn't expect to then get the blame for it. Its his choice and it's his kid.

YANBU, I can’t understand. It’s not uncommon though, I would absolutely tell him it’s a shitty thing to do & if he can’t see that or won’t advocate for his son then his a total bellend.

It is so hard. My partner and I have a baby daughter and he has an adult child from a previous relationship and even with the huge age gap between them, I still feel awkward about the opportunities my DD will get throughout her childhood that his eldest DD didn't because his financial security has changed drastically since she was little.
I can't imagine excluding a little 7 year old child from a holiday without at least trying to find a way to include them or offering a different special treat just for them.

Sorry but I think you’re being unreasonable. Expecting your ex to have no family time with his new wife and DC because he always has to cart your DC along. That’s not fair on his wife or child, they should be allowed to have time with him. Your DC doesn’t have to be included in everything, as long as they get a reasonable amount of time with their dad. And you’re extremely unreasonable to expect the new wife’s parents to treat your totally unrelated DC the same as their own flesh and blood grandchild.

I think I saw something mentioned about it being a term time holiday? Presumably his younger DC isn’t at school yet and yours is. In which case how do you expect your DC to be able to go when they’re at school?

In my experience, but not all families will be the same, children go on holiday with Mum one year and then Dad the following year. It would depend on what everyone could afford too I suppose and how well all the kids get on. When they are all young I can see how you would assume he would take your child too, but would depend on what agreement you had re holidays.

@Kaill "cart" what an awful way to talk about his own child, as if they are a burden

It is hard, especially when one child isn't school age and the older ones are. As the "new" wife (dh was never married to ex but you know what I mean), I'm not going to miss the opportunity to go away cheaply in term time whilst I can with my child just because DHs older ones are in school. If DH chooses to come or not come is entirely his decision but I don't feel guilty for taking the opportunity to holiday with my DC before school starts 🤷‍♀️

Agreed, it's disgusting

@Plaplablah so if you had 2 children, one school age and one not, would you be happy to leave the school age one at home to make the most of cheap holidays

I may be wrong but I would guess you are a SM with pesky stepchildren??
You sound like my exh’s next wife !

That's not what she said, is it. She said it's not her job to feel guilty if he chooses to.

And like it or not, there is an obvious practical difference between leaving behind a child that doesn't live with you and does many things separately to you, as opposed to one who does live with you, for whom you'd need to find childcare, and who is used to doing everything with you.

The point is I don't have two children one in school and one not. I have one child who is not in school so yes I take them outside of school holidays whilst I can.

My husband, the one who does have two children one in school and one not, can choose whether to come or not. He often doesn't and that's fine by me.

I know people will say "well you chose a man with older DC" and my response to that is well yes, that's why I don't have a problem with DH not joining us, nor do I pressure him to. It doesn't mean I have to never do anything completely normal with my own child though, like taking them on holiday in term time if I can.

And I'm not to blame if my husband turned around and said "actually ill come with you this time". I'd assume, given he is DSCs dad, that he'd considered them and made a decision based on what he thought best. If it turned out DSC were hurt that his dad joined me and DC on a holiday, it would be his fault, not mine. He's a big boy who can make decisions by himself.

@Plaplablah interesting how you use 'my' and 'own' child, as if nothing to do with DH

This one always comes up on these threads. My child is also my husbands child. What difference does it make what term I use. Its not interesting it's just a fact. Our, mine, his blah blah why does it matter? Unless of course you're trying to paint me in some sort of light... hmm.

OP calls her child her son throughout. How terrible of her not to constantly refer to him as THEIR son.

Don't be so ridiculous.

The problem is though that its complex. If you went away you wouldn't take the sibling with you. Now I get that you will say its different as the sibling isn't your child but both kids are his... but then your child isn't the new partner's child are they? So on that basis it makes sense that they might have a holiday just them in the same way you could have a holiday just you. It also depends who is paying. If she works and it's her money then she shouldn't have to pay for your child to go aswell. It would be nice if she did but she doesnt have to.

ultimately I think if they're only going because she can afford it, not him, then your child can't be expected to go. If it is his money then he shouldn't be funding a holiday for only one child and not the other - unless he already has (I.e. they can expect a holiday alone like you could but then he should probably also fund one together or give the same money to your child to go on the one with you).

This is why really blended families do not work unless its a scenario where all children live in the same home I.e. one parent isn't involved anymore. There will always be inequalities and frictions imo.