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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless comment

328 replies

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:00

I'm 35. I've known since I was a teenager that having my own children wasn't a possibility. I haven't ever quite come to terms with it.

My little sister has 5 kids. The last being a mixed set of twins, two at Christmas. That would also be her only girl.

It's been a tumultuous relationship with my sister, but finally we are close.

She's always made a big thing of understanding my feelings about infertility and allowing me and DH a close relationship with her kids.

To the dilemma.

I have bought all the kids clothes over the years and always made sure to buy what their mum wanted. For Christmas I was super excited to buy baby girl a dress because I haven't bought dresses before. My sister told me the size and despite me asking multiple times, didn't have a style preference. She also said Vinted was fine, as she knows im fussy about quality.

So I bought a dress that DH and I both liked.

My sister HATED it and asked me to cancel the order. Which I did. To be honest, she was pretty vile about how much she hated the design. Fine, I understand. No problem.

But then she asked me if I could see her daughter in that. I can. She's worn colourful prints before. I said I'd dress my kid in that.

And that's when she said "well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

I came off the phone and cried.

I don't mind honestly that she hated the dress.

But when she was glad I didn't have kids it broke my heart. AIBU?

I'm honestly scared to buy another dress.

OP posts:
Fionaville · 10/10/2023 01:14

Your sister is an absolute, heartless bitch!
I've got one of those too. I haven't had contact with her in years.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:18

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 09/10/2023 22:27

I'm infertile. I get it. That was a really awful thing she said.

You said after she had her son you broke down crying when you met him. She cuddled you and sounds like she was very compassionate. I point this out only to say it sounds like she generally is very kind. Not everyone would be understanding of someone crying after they'd just given birth. I think she loves you and sounds pretty amazing normally.

I won't make excuses for her, but 5 kids including twins and kids with autism/ADHD is a lot. She likely didn't even think about it. She was thoughtless and cruel, but I don't think she meant it maliciously.

Your DH needs to back off. Your sister and you need to talk face to face. Once she apologizes to you I think you'll have to let it go though. She seems like a pretty supportive sister most of the time, and all of us have said regretable things.

Thank you. I agree and I understand she has it hard.

DH did text, because he didn't tell me how hurt he was himself. He was focusing on supporting me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:24

Goodornot · 09/10/2023 22:32

I'm the you in this situation.

My sister has made countless comments like that to me. She's handed back presents saying she doesn't like them. If I say it's rude she says when you have kids you can choose what they wear. Oh wait you won't have any.

Now my DN is 8 they get a card and that's it.

Honestly don't do gifts this year.

Thank you. I'm sorry you experienced this too.

I've already started buying gifts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:26

WtP · 09/10/2023 22:32

As someone who would have loved to have children I really feel for you 💔
That dress is beautiful & I know my Sister in law would have loved it for her daughter when younger.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:30

DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/10/2023 22:45

I can see that I am in a minority but FWIW I strongly dislike the dress. HOWEVER I would never have been so rude as to let you know and your sister’s comment was very cruel.

Thank you for your honesty.

I genuinely don't care she hated it, and I'm glad she told me in time to cancel

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:32

Cordeliathecat · 09/10/2023 22:57

I’m with the PP’s who’ve said that she probably blurted something out without thinking and is likely horrified now.

After a fraught day of my kids constantly bickering and fighting, I once said to a close friend who only has 1 child, and not out of choice, that she’s lucky she only has one.

I wanted to die on the spot when her gorgeous face looked so hurt by my stupid stupid comment.

Wait for an apology. And if it’s not forthcoming let her know how much her comment hurt you. I’m sure she will not have intentionally hurt you.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:34

Maze76 · 09/10/2023 23:03

Your post brought a tear to my eye- I too am childless, and all of my siblings have had children.. it’s lovely but I also feel that loss. I would be heartbroken if my siblings said something so hurtful.. and I’m sure over the years that I’ve bought my nieces/ nephews some items not to their taste.
I hope your sister apologises.

I'm sorry I made you cry

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:38

Mydogmybestfriend · 09/10/2023 23:08

Your sister sounds like my sister which is why I don't talk to her. That was a vile comment
Have you looked into adoption?

Yes and sadly not an option

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:47

Carpediemmakeitcount · 09/10/2023 23:16

Your sister is an ungrateful............
You and your husband are great aunt and uncle to her children she has no right to talk to you like that.

Thank you

OP posts:
Frances0911 · 10/10/2023 01:48

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 23:56

Genuine question, how am I too involved? I no longer live locally

Show quote history

Because you said in your first post that your sister has allowed you and DH to have a close relationship with the children.

I've since seen a photo of the dress. It's sweet, but could she be offended that you were buying a second hand dress for £1, as a Christmas present? It also looks like a summer dress.

Still not condoning the way she spoke to you, but definitely sounds like she snapped for a reason.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:49

SheDrivesMeCrazy · 09/10/2023 23:20

This made me really sad, OP.

If your sister really felt strongly enough about the dress to want you to change it, she could have phrased it much more mildly (e.g. "It's so kind of you to want to buy a dress for DD. I'm not sure this pattern would suit her, though - what do you think about this one instead?") There was no need to be so vehement about her hatred of your gift. It was rude and ungrateful.

As for her comment that it's just as well you don't have children: that would have been tactless coming from a stranger. Coming from someone who knows you intimately and is well aware of your fertility history, it was incredibly unkind and uncalled for. I hope that she realises how hurtful it was and apologises of her own accord. If she doesn't, I definitely think you need to talk to her about it in a day or so when you're not feeling quite so raw.

FWIW I think the sundress is very sweet. But I wouldn't go to the trouble of finding an alternative. I'd ask your sister to send you some suggestions and save yourself the potential for further rejection and rude comments. It will still be a lovely gesture and a token of your love for your niece, even if it's not something you picked out personally.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:50

readbooksdrinktea · 09/10/2023 23:50

You're not crazy for wanting to buy your niece a dress, but I wouldn't do it. Wouldn't want another comment thrown in my face when offering a gift. Don't open yourself up to more of your sister's thoughtless, cruel comments.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:53

toadasoda · 10/10/2023 00:04

I already posted upthread but wanted to add how truly sorry I am about your infertility. I can't imagine the constant heartbreak.

The comment my sister made that I mentioned before was when I had a miscarriage and had left a voicemail and she texted back suggesting I 'just adopt'. Absolutely no concept of the loss i had, I had been trying a really long time. She to this day has no idea how flippant and horrible she was, so i put it down to tactless insensitivity. Roll on many years and I have a son with autism and ADHD like your sister and a set of twins one of whom didn't sleep for years, and I wonder did I make such stupid nasty comments during the stressed fog that was my life in those difficult years. I hope not but I can't say for sure. So I can see both sides. Pls don't permanently fall out with your sister over it OP. YOU deserve to have her in your life and your nieces and nephews.

Thank you and I'm sorry for your loss too

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:55

BabyFireflyx · 10/10/2023 00:44

Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry OP, you did not deserve that response from her. She's completely crossed a line. I would say that in your position I would limit contact with her after such a vile personal insult, but I have experience of this with my own younger sister who would at any point she felt offended (justified or not) cut my contact with her kids. And I couldn’t deal with not having contact with my nieces. It's a tiptoe game around the mother's nasty side. Completely unfair and undeserved. Surely family, caring about their family members and trying to do something nice should mean something. She must have some issues or resentment towards you that she's not addressing, or she's just plain vile. You do not deserve that.

Thank you

OP posts:
DeeCee77 · 10/10/2023 01:58

Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 00:15

Although unknown gifts trigger panic....... and I don't want to provoke

Show quote history

OP...I'd show her this thread.

I've already commented and stated I think she is tactless rather than mean, however, given some of your responses ("I think you are right" you commented in a response to someone suggesting your sister doesn't like you), if she sees this thread and isn't mortified by her comment to you then I think those who have viewed it more than just tactless are right.

I've made blunders in the past...once told someone at school, "jesus [name] you've put on weight" (even reading that now how the hell could I say such a thing and not think I was being insulting). I recall being stunned by their upset reaction. I was tactless but there was no intention to hurt. When thinking clearly (as I obviously wasn't when I said it) of course such a comment could hurt.

Words can hurt (contrary to the "sticks and stones" phrase"), but the context with which they are said is what is most important.

user1492757084 · 10/10/2023 02:03

She is not behaving like herself. She is clearly not coping as well as she has before. Twins might be making her extremely sleep deprived and effecting all dynamicsof her household..

Make some private time with her one day soon, mid morning - go out for a walk and coffee. Ask how she is and say how hurt you were. I'm sure she will be apologising.

She might be at a stage where she'd love to see more of you and talk. She might never like to mention the hardships of parenting due to you not being able to have children.

DeeCee77 · 10/10/2023 02:08

Frances0911 · 10/10/2023 01:48

Because you said in your first post that your sister has allowed you and DH to have a close relationship with the children.

I've since seen a photo of the dress. It's sweet, but could she be offended that you were buying a second hand dress for £1, as a Christmas present? It also looks like a summer dress.

Still not condoning the way she spoke to you, but definitely sounds like she snapped for a reason.

Show quote history

Nah, theres no justification for her sister's reaction. A gift (regardless of what you think of it) doesn't warrant such a response (or "snapping" as you put it).

The sister was either tactless, or mean. That's it. It's completely on her.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 02:09

comfyshoes2022 · 10/10/2023 01:05

I find her behaviour prior to the nasty comment to already be quite rude. You don’t like a gift someone is getting your child? Just accept it gratefully and then donate/sell/regift to someone who will appreciate it! That’s what any normal/polite person would do IMO.

Then the nasty comment on top of the initial behaviour?!?! Unbelievable.

Exactly. My DH's Nana buys gifts we mostly dislike because they aren't to our taste. It's all been very graciously accepted and she has no idea we moved it all on.

Maybe I'm too nice being fine with her not liking the dress.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 02:11

momtoboys · 10/10/2023 00:48

I wish I could see the dress! I’ll bet I would have loved it!

Page 1

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 02:13

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:22

Noted. Thank you.

And photo attached

Show quote history

This is the dress, page 2

OP posts:
babyproblems · 10/10/2023 02:18

She’s been v nasty and you would be justified in leaving her to stew for a while.
Kindly you sound very invested in her kids, and your sister doesn’t sound emotionally mature or stable enough to handle it. I would think about taking a step back until their a little older and don’t require your sister/mum to micromanage their relationships. It’s abnormal she kicked up such a fuss about a dress, even if she wasn’t a huge fan of it- it’s just a dress.

I also wondered if you had been told you definitely can’t conceive; if not I’d see if you can make some enquiries and find out what’s possible; it sounds like something you want. Also could you consider adoption or similar for future. Maybe it’s for you or maybe not, but I wanted to say that there are options. Your sister sounds quite selfish & emotionally unreliable and imo not capable of helping you unpack the topic of motherhood. You did nothing wrong here! X

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 02:18

Frances0911 · 10/10/2023 01:48

Because you said in your first post that your sister has allowed you and DH to have a close relationship with the children.

I've since seen a photo of the dress. It's sweet, but could she be offended that you were buying a second hand dress for £1, as a Christmas present? It also looks like a summer dress.

Still not condoning the way she spoke to you, but definitely sounds like she snapped for a reason.

Show quote history

Close, emotionally. Not day to day involved.

She agreed with secondhand because they grow so fast, no point in new. And she asked for a summer dress as that's what she's short of. It's for niece to grow into.

She loved the paw patrol pyjamas I got boy twin

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 02:23

user1492757084 · 10/10/2023 02:03

She is not behaving like herself. She is clearly not coping as well as she has before. Twins might be making her extremely sleep deprived and effecting all dynamicsof her household..

Make some private time with her one day soon, mid morning - go out for a walk and coffee. Ask how she is and say how hurt you were. I'm sure she will be apologising.

She might be at a stage where she'd love to see more of you and talk. She might never like to mention the hardships of parenting due to you not being able to have children.

Really good point. I'd happily listen and try and help.

DH and I are both disabled, so we can't do very much practical. But we could have one child at a time for a day visit if that would help. Two, if my Mum would come too.

DH can't drive, but has offered countless times to Uber to hers to help. That would be about £50 each way, but we'd do it

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 02:25

babyproblems · 10/10/2023 02:18

She’s been v nasty and you would be justified in leaving her to stew for a while.
Kindly you sound very invested in her kids, and your sister doesn’t sound emotionally mature or stable enough to handle it. I would think about taking a step back until their a little older and don’t require your sister/mum to micromanage their relationships. It’s abnormal she kicked up such a fuss about a dress, even if she wasn’t a huge fan of it- it’s just a dress.

I also wondered if you had been told you definitely can’t conceive; if not I’d see if you can make some enquiries and find out what’s possible; it sounds like something you want. Also could you consider adoption or similar for future. Maybe it’s for you or maybe not, but I wanted to say that there are options. Your sister sounds quite selfish & emotionally unreliable and imo not capable of helping you unpack the topic of motherhood. You did nothing wrong here! X

Thank you

OP posts:
Breezy1985 · 10/10/2023 02:40

Such an awful thoughtless comment.

Your thread struck a chord with me. My auntie is childless not through choice, and my mum ended up having 4, you sound like such an amazing auntie, my aunt didn't live locally but we have always been super close, and we all say she is like an extra mum now we've all grown up, we realise how lucky we are to have her, I'm also a twin too.

I know nothing makes up for having your own children but your niece and nephews will be so thankful to have you and your DH.

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