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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless comment

328 replies

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:00

I'm 35. I've known since I was a teenager that having my own children wasn't a possibility. I haven't ever quite come to terms with it.

My little sister has 5 kids. The last being a mixed set of twins, two at Christmas. That would also be her only girl.

It's been a tumultuous relationship with my sister, but finally we are close.

She's always made a big thing of understanding my feelings about infertility and allowing me and DH a close relationship with her kids.

To the dilemma.

I have bought all the kids clothes over the years and always made sure to buy what their mum wanted. For Christmas I was super excited to buy baby girl a dress because I haven't bought dresses before. My sister told me the size and despite me asking multiple times, didn't have a style preference. She also said Vinted was fine, as she knows im fussy about quality.

So I bought a dress that DH and I both liked.

My sister HATED it and asked me to cancel the order. Which I did. To be honest, she was pretty vile about how much she hated the design. Fine, I understand. No problem.

But then she asked me if I could see her daughter in that. I can. She's worn colourful prints before. I said I'd dress my kid in that.

And that's when she said "well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

I came off the phone and cried.

I don't mind honestly that she hated the dress.

But when she was glad I didn't have kids it broke my heart. AIBU?

I'm honestly scared to buy another dress.

OP posts:
Cordeliathecat · 09/10/2023 22:57

I’m with the PP’s who’ve said that she probably blurted something out without thinking and is likely horrified now.

After a fraught day of my kids constantly bickering and fighting, I once said to a close friend who only has 1 child, and not out of choice, that she’s lucky she only has one.

I wanted to die on the spot when her gorgeous face looked so hurt by my stupid stupid comment.

Wait for an apology. And if it’s not forthcoming let her know how much her comment hurt you. I’m sure she will not have intentionally hurt you.

EarthSight · 09/10/2023 23:00

@Italiangreyhound

You're being too kind. A lot of people can bloody understand. It's true that some people are just emotionally not very bright, but I would have understood not to say something like that in my teens even.

Maze76 · 09/10/2023 23:03

Your post brought a tear to my eye- I too am childless, and all of my siblings have had children.. it’s lovely but I also feel that loss. I would be heartbroken if my siblings said something so hurtful.. and I’m sure over the years that I’ve bought my nieces/ nephews some items not to their taste.
I hope your sister apologises.

Mydogmybestfriend · 09/10/2023 23:08

Your sister sounds like my sister which is why I don't talk to her. That was a vile comment
Have you looked into adoption?

Carpediemmakeitcount · 09/10/2023 23:16

Your sister is an ungrateful............
You and your husband are great aunt and uncle to her children she has no right to talk to you like that.

SheDrivesMeCrazy · 09/10/2023 23:20

This made me really sad, OP.

If your sister really felt strongly enough about the dress to want you to change it, she could have phrased it much more mildly (e.g. "It's so kind of you to want to buy a dress for DD. I'm not sure this pattern would suit her, though - what do you think about this one instead?") There was no need to be so vehement about her hatred of your gift. It was rude and ungrateful.

As for her comment that it's just as well you don't have children: that would have been tactless coming from a stranger. Coming from someone who knows you intimately and is well aware of your fertility history, it was incredibly unkind and uncalled for. I hope that she realises how hurtful it was and apologises of her own accord. If she doesn't, I definitely think you need to talk to her about it in a day or so when you're not feeling quite so raw.

FWIW I think the sundress is very sweet. But I wouldn't go to the trouble of finding an alternative. I'd ask your sister to send you some suggestions and save yourself the potential for further rejection and rude comments. It will still be a lovely gesture and a token of your love for your niece, even if it's not something you picked out personally.

readbooksdrinktea · 09/10/2023 23:50

You're not crazy for wanting to buy your niece a dress, but I wouldn't do it. Wouldn't want another comment thrown in my face when offering a gift. Don't open yourself up to more of your sister's thoughtless, cruel comments.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 23:51

Crocadoodledoo · 09/10/2023 21:45

Your sister’s mask has slipped by the looks of it, OP.

There are no excuses for saying something like that. If she’s stressed out from having five kids then that’s on her.

The reason she felt OK to say it is that she dislikes you on some level and she’s managed to hide it up to now.

Sadly I think you are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 23:56

Frances0911 · 09/10/2023 21:48

It sounds like she feels you are too involved with her children, and is getting irritated. It's still not a nice thing to have said though.

As Christmas is a while away, wouldn't it be better to wait until a bit nearer the time and buy a dress from somewhere such as John Lewis or the like, so that it can be a surprise, then if it's not suitable can be returned/ exchanged for something else.

Edited

Genuine question, how am I too involved? I no longer live locally

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 23:57

willWillSmithsmith · 09/10/2023 21:49

Well for what it’s worth OP I think the dress is lovely. I can’t see why she was being so critical of it and for a ‘lovely’ person she sounds hideous.

Thank you

OP posts:
toadasoda · 10/10/2023 00:04

I already posted upthread but wanted to add how truly sorry I am about your infertility. I can't imagine the constant heartbreak.

The comment my sister made that I mentioned before was when I had a miscarriage and had left a voicemail and she texted back suggesting I 'just adopt'. Absolutely no concept of the loss i had, I had been trying a really long time. She to this day has no idea how flippant and horrible she was, so i put it down to tactless insensitivity. Roll on many years and I have a son with autism and ADHD like your sister and a set of twins one of whom didn't sleep for years, and I wonder did I make such stupid nasty comments during the stressed fog that was my life in those difficult years. I hope not but I can't say for sure. So I can see both sides. Pls don't permanently fall out with your sister over it OP. YOU deserve to have her in your life and your nieces and nephews.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 00:10

Humbugg · 09/10/2023 21:49

Wow how awful. I can understand why you are hurt completely

thank you.

I also never expected this thread to explode. Beyond humbled

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 00:13

Horriblewoman · 09/10/2023 21:54

You’re a bigger person than me. I’d have probably lashed out told her that she was irresponsible to have 5 children if she can’t cope for a short period when your mum is away and that I will never buy anything again.

But hopefully you’re not as irrational
as me when faced with such a cruel comment.

Hugs.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 00:15

azlazee1 · 09/10/2023 22:01

If you still want to gift a dress, I would by one I like, and give it at Christmas. If she asks what you bought, tell her she'll have to wait till Christmas!

Although unknown gifts trigger panic....... and I don't want to provoke

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 00:18

Italiangreyhound · 09/10/2023 22:09

People who have not experienced fertility issues cannot really understand, and I think if I were in your shoes, I'd be tempted to take this as a time to reflect how you feel, and get some calm and perspective into your life for you.

The dress is beautiful, your sister's comment is way out of line. However, how do you feel. Is the long term plan to not have any other children in your life, it's totally fine if that is what you want. But if not, can you and your DH talk about fostering, adoption or whatever. I had fertility treatment, including with donor eggs and also we adopted a child (as well as having an older birth child).

If you ever want to talk about any of this, feel free to message me.

You are a wonderful kind aunt, and your sister has sadly put her foot in her mouth and really does need to apologise, but she cannot really understand so she won't realise the magnitude of what she said, IMHO.

Thank you so much

OP posts:
BabyFireflyx · 10/10/2023 00:44

Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry OP, you did not deserve that response from her. She's completely crossed a line. I would say that in your position I would limit contact with her after such a vile personal insult, but I have experience of this with my own younger sister who would at any point she felt offended (justified or not) cut my contact with her kids. And I couldn’t deal with not having contact with my nieces. It's a tiptoe game around the mother's nasty side. Completely unfair and undeserved. Surely family, caring about their family members and trying to do something nice should mean something. She must have some issues or resentment towards you that she's not addressing, or she's just plain vile. You do not deserve that.

momtoboys · 10/10/2023 00:48

I wish I could see the dress! I’ll bet I would have loved it!

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:02

DeadButDelicious · 09/10/2023 22:11

What a horrible thing to say! Completely uncalled for and really cruel. No excuse for it.

I'd be letting her come to you. She owes you a massive apology.

Thank you, I don't think she knows she upset me.

DH sent a text because he felt he couldn't ignore it, and he was hurt more than he let on

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:04

theprincessthepea · 09/10/2023 22:14

That is a horrible comment! So insensitive. You are in your right to react that way. This doesn’t excuse her behaviour but sisters can be so mean!

Thank you

OP posts:
comfyshoes2022 · 10/10/2023 01:05

I find her behaviour prior to the nasty comment to already be quite rude. You don’t like a gift someone is getting your child? Just accept it gratefully and then donate/sell/regift to someone who will appreciate it! That’s what any normal/polite person would do IMO.

Then the nasty comment on top of the initial behaviour?!?! Unbelievable.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:05

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 09/10/2023 22:19

Im wondering whether she was expecting a designer brand as you were buying off Vinted? I mean Matalan isnt high end and is inexpensive to buy new, (although I love it) Perhaps that was the issue.

I have no idea.

OP posts:
Goodornot · 10/10/2023 01:07

comfyshoes2022 · 10/10/2023 01:05

I find her behaviour prior to the nasty comment to already be quite rude. You don’t like a gift someone is getting your child? Just accept it gratefully and then donate/sell/regift to someone who will appreciate it! That’s what any normal/polite person would do IMO.

Then the nasty comment on top of the initial behaviour?!?! Unbelievable.

Exactly. When someone gives you a gift, you have the common decency to say thank you, even if you hate it.

My sister has done similar. Hand things back saying we don't need that or I don't like that.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:09

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 22:23

That was a totally unnecessary and unkind comment from your sister and I’d be expecting a sincere apology from her. What a bitch.

I’d just buy her baby daughter any old dress now.

I still want to get her something lovely. But I'm scared.

I said I'm going to wait until the refund comes through, to make me have a few days to calm down

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:11

Lifeomars · 09/10/2023 22:25

You could use this as a starting point when you do see her. Something along the lines of "what you said to me about the other day hurt me really badly, It was so out of character as you have always been so supportive to me. Because this isn't the way you usually are with me it has really made me wonder if you are ok" or words to this effect as you know your sister and have been on the receiving end of what she said to you. I would like to think that at the momenent she is replaying her conversation with you in her head and wishing she could take back every word. You sound like a loving sister and a wonderful aunty and I am so sorry you have been hurt like this

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Thank you. Great advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 01:12

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 22:26

I agree with this, especially the part that she dislikes OP on some level.

A pp says this comment was tactless, yes it tactless but the sister knew exactly what she was saying and it’s mean and unkind and designed to hurt OP. I couldn’t get past that without a sincere apology. Even then I’d still have to give it time to forgive and forget.

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Thank you

OP posts:
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