DM and her teeny tiny meals

[Trampley]

I think my mum has issues with food.

Cooked and served a roast dinner yesterday, she said she wanted a small meal. This is normal for her, as she's permanently terrified of putting weight on. But it's getting daft now.

I served her two small potatoes, a thumb size portion of chicken, two carrot batons, half a parsnip, a tablespoon of mashed swede and half a Stuffing ball.

She didn't eat the potatoes, parsnip or Stuffing. Things I know she loves.

A toddler would eat more!!!

She also commented on the HUGE portion I had, and told her husband he wouldn't POSSIBLY eat all his meal, she kept bloody commenting on HOW MUCH he was eating (normal size!) Until he just stopped eating it.

We went for a walk afterwards, had to turn back early because she was feeling tired. No wonder, she hadn't eaten!

It's annoying me - I'm healthy, I don't overeat but she makes out my portions are so awfully huuuuge.

I don’t eat anywhere near as much as I used to I’ve gotten older. My DC eat bigger portions than me. But surely that’s as it should be! They’re running around all day long. Whereas I sit at a desk and drive. I do exercise most days but I simply don’t burn the calories I used to when I was young. I am weight conscious so am careful not to accidentally eat more than I need, but equally I do love a little snack so I just make sure I eat smaller meals to allow for that. I am somewhat surprised that relatives of mine of a similar age continually moan about being fat (not that fat. Size 12-14 so perhaps a bit bigger than they’d like but really not an unhealthy weight or anything). And yet they eat the same size portions as their male partners. But I keep my surprise fully to myself. I make no comment about their portion sizes or their diet. It’s not for me to comment as it’s none of my business (funnily enough they do feel the need to continually comment on my portions which is annoying but again I say nothing).

Competitive undereating is both annoying and dangerous.

I’m not sure how old you are TRAMPLEY but I’m guessing 30’s. Blissfully unaware of the train wreck that could be coming your way called ‘ menopause’ that could have affected your mother significantly. Gaining weight, anxiety and tiredness are all classic symptoms.
Show a little kindness, maybe a gentle conversation. I’m not suggesting you should put up with constant comments but it sounds like no one is listening to her.

Not listening to what exactly?

I served a teeny tiny meal as she requested, and she still gave a performance about not being able to 'manage' it.

Eating less is her concern, it's her body, but continually making comments about what others eat, essentially shaming them, and making a drama about it (gasping and flapping) is spoiling the day.

Nothing to do with menopause.

Menopause compels you to ruin meals for everyone by performative gasping in horror about their portion sizes?

Surprised With a Horse- why don’t you read my comment properly?

If she is a healthy weight and not lacking in energy then her normal portion size is correct

In which case she might view you giving her too much as a passive aggressive comment on what she eats

Sorry - too early - missed but about her being tired

Although if they have put her on statins that can really mess you up as well it seems ( from the self reported experiences of a number of friends and family )

The menopause would not compel someone to audibly gasp in mock horror when a normal sized portion of food is served to someone else at the table. It can be really damaging behaviour especially if there are children at the table. No one should be doing that. It’s absolutely fine if MIL wants smaller “teeny tiny” portions. (As long as OP isn’t serving them and making comment about how “teeny tiny” they are as, again, there is no need to comment - wish my relatives wouldn’t!).

I've had issues with eating since my teens, not helped by my older sister constantly making comments about my size and weight. As a result, following the birth of my son, I got incredibly ill. I dropped down to 7st and was back at the hight of disordered eating. It took me 6 years to start healing and another 2 to get to a healthy weight. I still have a complicated relationship with food.

I share all this to say, if your mother (and you can be any age when disordered eating begins) is being like this then something started it. Her comments about others eating habits, while rude and totally unacceptable, (I never commented on anyone else) are not necessarily her own fault.
I would try to have a conversation with her about this, and her husband also. It's vital that she is getting all the nutrients, vitamins and minerals etc that she needs to maintain a healthy body, which is completely separate from the number on the scale. It may help for you to join a support group for family members of those with disordered eating.
Good luck OP and good luck to your mum too, I can imagine the position you're in and it's not a nice one. Having been in hers, trust me, its worse, and she will need as much support as possible off you all.

To the person who said your appetite decreases as you get into your 50s and 60s She should come out with me and my friends who are all in their 70s and 80s. We can eat and drink most young people under the table. I had a friend just like your mother, it was always a competition with her to be the person who ate the least. I soon dropped her, I like to be with people who eat the most. 😂

My mum has had undiagnosed disordered eating her whole life - she is now 73. My whole childhood she was on a permanent diet, took diet pills, monitored what everyone in the house ate. She's never been more than a size 8. Even now she over exercises (2 gym / dance classes a day) and her entire conversation revolves around what she is eating, how big her thighs are, how she's put on 2lbs this week etc etc. It's draining and boring. But it's also had a profound effect on both myself and my sister.

In my teenage years I was bulimic for a while. I then left home and spent some years following the same sorts of pattern, until I was diagnosed with thyroid disease (over active, which contributed to my slimness). When that was treated I put on weight, and have been overweight / obese ever since. I am judged by my mother for my weight. She speaks to her friends about it but justifies it due to my thyroid issues. I find it maddening, I'm in my 50s now, and my weight is my business, not hers! I've had a lifetime of diet clubs with little success and I am sick of it. Up until recently I've been on a lifetime diet. I've recently quit the diet clubs, it's been utterly liberating - just trying to follow a life of healthy eating and exercise. For the first time in my life, the weight is slowly coming off. All without counting syns, points, eating cabbage soup, cutting carbs or whatever else is the diet of the day. My sister is the opposite and comes out with phrases such as 'I'd rather die than be fat' and has joined extreme gym programmes to maintain her size 6 figure. I have watched my mum and sister compete with each other over who has the smallest waist etc.

I am angry that weight has dominated all of our lives in this way, and that my mum's eating habits have affected us so badly, in particular my own self esteem. I'm trying to break the cycle. So your post has really impacted on me - I know what it's like to have a mother who is a performative under eater (although stick a trifle in front of her and she will hoover it up!). Determined not to pass on her hang ups to my own DCs. Pleased to say they both have healthy appetites. Sorry, this turned into an essay!

The teeny tiny meals combined with high quantities of sugar/salt heavy, nutritionally empty, snacks is very unhealthy.

Get her one of those portion control plates

www.amazon.co.uk/Healthy-Eating-Portion-Plate-27cm/dp/B07GC9JPQM/.

My MIL eats teeney tiny portions.
A Sunday dinner would be 1 roast potato, 3/4 cubes of carrot, 1 sprout, half a parsnip & a slither of meat. Less than I gave my kids when toddlers.

She too always leaves some on the plate. She also asks if it's OK to leave it, like she's a child asking permission. I dont care if she leaves any, i tell her I don't mind how much she eats or how much she leaves, and she doesn't need permission to leave any.

She is 87 & tiny, and does mention rationing from the war but mainly about butter, sugar & sweets. But there's always space for dessert, that doesn't get left!

She also snacks on biscuits, choc & cake. And to be honest when I'm 87 I'll be eating all the fun and sugary food too!!

It would massively annoy us if she made comments about our portions though. My DH would be telling her to keep her thoughts to herself. Something she struggles with as she can't deal with silence & starts talking about a news story she's half listened too, and only half understood that half. So by the time it's out of her mouth it bears no resemblance to the original story & we have to work it out 🤔😂

I did. What's menopause got to do with rudely commenting on other people's portions and ruining the meal for them?

The doctor who writes in the Mail had a great comment about that ' I like food and drink as much as the next person, especially if that person likes a lot of food and drink.' Give me hearty feeders and drinkers any time over the performative teeny tiny portion people.

We used to have a friend whose wife would without fail draw attention in an 'Oh I couldn't eat ALL THAT!' way to our portion sizes when we went out to dinner. It got boring very quickly.

It's so miserable and joyless. Eat it or don't eat it, whatever, just shut up about it except to say how delicious it is and how nice it is to be enjoying a meal together. Don't hijack a pleasant group occasion to make it the Look At How Little I Eat Show.

I visited my mum yesterday all I could think about as she went on about her weight gain was this thread, she's always going to have eating issues but it's sad to hear her still going on about it in her mid 70s this crap is ingrained in some women its awful.

When I say weight gain she's no bigger than a Size 12 if that !

I'd be the exact same.

This is a good way of saying it

My MIL is the same. She eats absolutely minute amounts and always comments on my portion sizes. Whenever I have lunch at her house, I now only eat tiny amounts as I just can't bare the constant judgement.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain We used to have a friend whose wife would without fail draw attention in an 'Oh I couldn't eat ALL THAT!' way to our portion sizes when we went out to dinner. It got boring very quickly.

I'm known for being quite scathing at times and my answer to her would be very harsh. I cannot be arsed with people who behave like that. It really pisses me off.

She had a habit of calling attention to how much you drank, as well - 'oh, LOOK at all those tonic bottles!' (friends round for drinks). Then hand to mouth and 'oh sorry, that was rude, wasn't it?'

SIL was famously forthright, I'm surprised she never exploded apart from the one occasion she told the woman to shut up and order (woman was going through the menu questioning how everything was grown and cooked). One of the upsides of splitting up with DH was never having to listen to this friend's wife's snide comments and attempts at one upmanship.

You're letting her win! Eat what you want and fuck what she thinks. Her opinion doesn't matter.